The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    The further you get away from it, the better you are able to see porn for what it really is. Everytime you watch, the more you are sucked into the facade of it.

    Good you came here to post and continue. You're doing great!
     
    Eternity likes this.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yeah, we don't watch for the entertainment; it's only what the brain wants.

    As expected I've had cravings today, but I got plenty of work done as well as watched most of Paris-Roubaix (nice last 20k.) Yesterday I was sick of cycling, but today I'm ready again. I had forgotten how much I need to consume for those long rides. I also should go back to the high quality bars I was using last year. They're expensive but totally worth it. And they're sugar and dairy free!

    I think that going to bed tonight won't be a problem. Due to the relapse, I didn't get much sleep last night. As long as I make an effort to stay in control, I should fall asleep swiftly.
     
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I got through last night with a bit of struggle. I'm away this weekend so that should aid me in getting back on track.

    The extremely cold mornings have stopped me from commuting by bike the last few weeks. So instead I'll go for a shorter, more intense ride after work tomorrow. I think I'll attempt a 20-minute FTP test. It requires me to go all out for 20 minutes, and since I haven't done it before I'm not sure how it's supposed to feel. I'll have to repeat the test every once in a while. Of course there are more detailed tests, but this should give me a good estimate.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I celebrated too early... Last night I ended up MO:ing before falling asleep. That's not a good sign, as that's usually how it begins. What can I do to turn the tide? Perhaps I'll try to go to bed later, when I'm very sleepy. I wasn't last night.

    I don't know if it's due to recent events, but I didn't do any cycling today. It felt chilly and I had no real motivation to get changed into cycling gear. I did do some work outside, though, so it's not like I wasted any time. It could also have been the reason; I wanted to finish what I had started in the weekend.

    Well, it's not too late to continue the reboot. I can do it.
     
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Falling asleep went well last night. I slept on the side which for me lessens the risk of MO. I will apply the same strategy tonight.

    This is my last post until next week, as I'll be offline. The weather looks to be warm, so I hope to spend time outdoors. That also means that I'll be able to ride the bike to work again starting next week.
     
    Gilgamesh and Merton like this.
  6. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    This going outside idea sounds like a great one. I should leave my cave from time to time.
     
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm back but with another relapse last night. I managed a week, but I still don't like where this is going. I mustn't go to bed when I'm not sleepy. At least that shouldn't be a problem tonight.

    As a result I've been unfocused today. Tomorrow I'm taking the bike to work, so I hope to have a clean night and get some fighting spirit back.

    @Merton It is, and it is something I need to get better at. The next time I feel bored I should go outside and view the fields instead of looking up bad stuff.
     
  8. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Night time before sleep is the hardest time for me to keep my mind from wandering and dwelling on lustful thoughts. If I allow myself to dwell on these thoughts I will 100% relapse. Even if I didn't, I believe that in some ways it is a p-sub, as it allows my imagination to release dopamine to my brain. I think this is what makes our addiction so difficult. What other addict can give themselves a high just by thinking? And to top it off, sex is a natural desire. Not something that we want to stamp out, but something we want to put right.

    I wish I has some great advice. But the best I have is not trying hard to not think about sex/porn fantasy. But to actively think about something else positive. When something negative comes into your brain, just push it aside and do your best to replace it with something positive. During the day we are able to distract ourselves by doing positive things. But when we lay down to sleep we no longer have the distractions and it's incredibly difficult.
     
  9. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    You can do this. Get back into the mindset of 2 months clean. Be 2 months clean again in your mind. You lost nothing, you only gained. Keep it up!
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I had a massive tailwind on the way home, and cruised at 45km/h at a 5km long straight. It's not something I can do naturally, but it's always fun to get aided by the wind instead of hindered. I also seem rather fresh despite pushing myself. I think, wind or not, that I'm improving. It was also the first ride of the year in short sleeves, which was liberating. I'm a little more confident about the 150km event now.

    I had a peaceful last night, something I hope to repeat tonight. I ended up going outside for ten minutes before going to bed, and maybe that helped me calm down.

    @SeekingWisdom I normally don't fantasize that much, but when I do it's tough to resist. Trying to force myself to sleep is just a recipe for disaster, it seems. It's better to let it come naturally. Maybe I should try to drift off to an ancient forest instead of bringing up flashbacks.

    @Gilgamesh Thanks, I don't think that it's too late to reverse the relapses yet. Even getting through one day helps a lot, just to break the relapse's momentum.
     
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    I had a similar experience about 2 or 3 weeks ago when I went for my first run of the year in shorts instead of the colder weather running apparel. It was a great sensation and liberating as you say. Was a nice sunny spring day. Made me think how I wanna spend a lot of time outdoor this spring and summer.
     
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I failed to resist again. I was about to fall asleep, but rolled over and, eh... My mind is terribly weak right now. I probably went to bed too early. Tonight I will go for a walk before bed, to see if it helps.

    I'm in an irritable mood which is no wonder. I may not have felt much prior to the relapses, but at least I wasn't angry. Well, on it again. Let's make clearing the weekend a mini goal.

    @Thelongwayhome27 I've had this tradition for some years to always run in shorts at least once in March. Before it felt like the gateway to spring, but the seasons are all messed up nowadays. It wouldn't surprise me if I could run in shorts every month this year. The warmth is nice but going from winter to summer in two weeks is worrying.
     
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle right now. The motivation's gone. Despite the relapses, I've got some stuff done. I know I can reboot properly, but it's difficult when the inner voice says that I'll always be alone and unwanted.

    I've got a long ride planned for next week, so in order to prepare for it I want to get some good sleep. That means, no PMO. I'll try to write something here every day because it helps me to stay focused.
     
    LetsReclaimLife likes this.
  14. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Maybe you lost this battle, but you won the previous one. And that was a real significant one. The next one you will win again and eventually you will win the war.

    Posting daily sounds like a great plan!
     
    Eternity likes this.
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Argh, couldn't handle the chaser. I tried everything possible, but nope. Maybe I have to go back to basics where I allow other unhealthy things, just to get started again. Snacks, bread, anything. Eating is a good distraction and it's not like I'll grow fat.

    At least it was a midday relapse, which means that I can still salvage this day somehow. I'll spend some more time outdoors. I've been cleaning up junk around the house. Previous generations were great at just dumping stuff wherever it pleased them. I've made some bizarre discoveries, and I bet there's more to find.

    I apologize for not writing anywhere but here. I need to regain my composure first.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  16. LetsReclaimLife

    LetsReclaimLife New Member

    Hi Eternity ... I was reading your journal the first thing that strikes me is that you are in the forum from 2013 if the time stamps are correct .. howz ur journey so far ... and what do you mean by proper reboot here .. i have curiosity coz today is just my 2nd day ... is PMO is more like drug addiction ? that we need to be in rehab / reboot process always or when we can say things like we did a reboot or something ...
     
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks for stopping by. Actually I've been here since 2012; I moved to this section when turned 30. As for rebooting properly, I mean doing it focused. Right now I just shrug and relapse, not caring about the outcome. I have never been on drugs, but from my experience it's the same or perhaps even worse (unlike drugs, the tools for MO are difficult to get rid of.) Porn will always mean trouble for me, regardless if it's been a week or a year. Maybe others can become completely free, but for me it's going to be a lifelong battle, albeit taking less effort the longer I stay clean. That said, when I'm content with my life I'll consider that a successful reboot.


    I forgot that the laptop was still on in the bedroom last night, and that made it too easy to have another PMO. It's still in the bedroom, but after this post I'll go move it to another room. At least that will remove one threat.

    I've found an interesting education for which I really want to apply. It would lead to working in and with nature. First I need to save up some money, though. It's too far from home to commute, so I'll have to pay for an apartment as well as my house. It seems like a reasonable goal to work towards. If all goes as planned I can start next autumn. Would it not be great if I could get my life together before that?
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's a struggle right now. I gave in to urges again last night. It's now May, and it'd be good to leave April and relapses behind me. I am, however, very susceptible to triggers right now. I need to find the strength to get going again, but that's difficult when everything is viewed through the negativity shades.

    Despite ruining my night's sleep, I decided to go for the bike ride. It turned out to be the second longest ride I've done ever at over 110km. This time I didn't hit the wall, even though I had a headwind for the second half. Both cycling and running are improving, but I really wonder how PMO affects energy, fatigue, and recovery. At the very least I think that staying clean will give me the edge to complete 150km.
     
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    The struggle goes on. I don't know what to say, I'm completely caught in the net now. I don't have a plan for how to break out. I need to remind myself why I'm doing this. However, that's one tiny voice speaking against an entire choir.

    I probably should head out to the woods today. The motivation isn't there, but a meditative forest walk may have positive effects. I should also post again tonight.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    That sucks. I think most of us have been in that position where you have one slip and then another and again another and suddenly you can't see a way out of there. In my experience that way out is not always the one you are reaching for. When I have been in this situation my first focus was always on not PMO-ing again, but that in itself doesn't really help. Giving up porn is a lousy motivation, because it doesn't give you freedom, it limits you. If you want to get your motivation it's important to focus on gaining things and what you said about reminding yourself why you are doing this is one of the best ways to do that. To me that means seriously getting back to my values. What I often see happening in cases like these is that before a slip I already drifted away from the things I find important. It wasn't something that happened the moment I sat down and opened my pants, it's something that has been building up over a longer period. The thing that get's me back is reading and writing about the things that matter to me. It's like looking for the signs that lead you in the right direction. But it's also looking at steps you took in the past that led you towards your values. Hope my experiences help you a bit:)
     

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