The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. me_vs_p

    me_vs_p Guest

    Oh man do I know this feeling. Extreme rage against everyone and anything. You're body on fire. I hate it!
    Mostly after a good night sleep you feel much better. Luckily you've calmed down, makes rebooting a much pleasurable experience. Stay strong!
     
  2. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    I'm having rage as well. I have a good mind of watching movies like those in Friday the 13th series, just to see people wasted (people who remind of people I'm jealous of). Just today I found myself in Youtube, watching those videos in which someone has gathered all the kills from a movie. I watched for some time, then I started to get the idea that it resembled a little too much watching P. For instance, those girls are usually half dressed. Tits and panties are flashing. I closed the window and decided it would be best if I left such vids alone.

    Have you ever tried boxing? Punching a bag lets some of that stress out, so you don't have to punch the next guy on the street. :) Or you could do push-ups, let off some steam like that. I'm going to lift weights today. I feel I really need it.
     
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    No, there's nowhere to practice boxing here as far as I know. Maybe I could get a bag but I don't know where to put it. Screaming along with some angry songs usually helps, though.

    Well, I'm sad to say that I relapsed. Not with PMO, but with snacks. I couldn't resist it anymore and I think I was triggered by cookies at my grandma's last weekend. I should know better, but I won't binge. It's all gone and I'm going back to fruit. Christmas time is going to be rough, but as long as I avoid the cookies and candy, it should be fine...

    I've had weird dreams as of late. Both sexual and non-sexual. The sexual ones are continually based on fetishes, the others on everyday stress and worries. I'm happy to actually remember dreams for once, though.

    I have nothing else to say that hasn't been said before. I'm looking forward to reaching some fairly uncharted territory, but that's still a month away. Until then, I most likely will lie low.
     
  4. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Sorry to hear about the snacks-relapse, but you're still five weeks in to the main challenge! Note this lesson for when those snack-cravings appear again. The surfing thoughts I use, I picked the up from a website for binge-eaters.
     
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    As promised, I didn't binge on snacks! I've declined sugary drinks as well. I read through some of my old posts, and apparently the cravings have grown very strong past the three week mark, and not the other way around. It happened again this time, so it's bound to happen again.

    I need to remember, whether it's porn or snacks, that the recollection is always better than the experience.

    Day 40, and my emotions are inactive. I can't find joy in anything right now, but that's fine. It's yet another stage of the reboot which I have to go through.

    The food portion experiment is working. Although I haven't been fully disciplined, it's helping a lot. I get full on less food now, and for an increasingly longer time. Good for both me and my economy!
     
  6. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Congratulations on making it 40 days! That's not something to be taken lightly. According to Dr. Carnes, your brain is about now recovered from the shock, and the true recovery begins. I've very glad to hear that you've been able to fight the snacking urges as well, as from the point of the addiction, much of the same circuitry is used on both. I don't believe you could recover from just one of these, it has to be the whole package.

    Joy is gone for me as well, although the addiction keeps reminding me that fantastic delights are just a couple of mouse clicks away. But I'm so sick and tired of destroying my life with that merde that I won't bother to listen.

    I've also cut back on the eating. I haven't weighed myself lately, but the mirror makes it seem I've lost a bit of weight. Good for the private economy, good for physical and emotional health!
     
  7. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    42 days!

    Good job man. Keep it going.
     
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thank you!

    True: Not much of a change so far, although I feel a little better and more positive.


    A discussion is going on inside my head. I can't decide whether to go to this concert next week. Reasons for and against clash. The reasons against are associated with low confidence, and the ones for with hope. Against is trying to recruit the weather, which would make a heavy reinforcement. On the other hand, for tells me to just face it.

    I think, in these situations when the decision stands upon the edge of a knife, I should do it. If I'm considering it, I'm interested. Thus, there's no reason to stay home unless I'm honestly unable to make it due to illness, extreme weather, or finances. Of these, only the weather would actually pose a threat. Winter is around the corner, and if there's going to be traffic chaos - I'd rather not risk it.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoqXerGx-gk
     
  9. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    I think you should go. Let hope conquer fear! There is the wish to go, but anxiety is creating obstacles that seem legitimate. I've grown so tired of the anxiety that in these situations I always go against it. It's pretty easy to tell the difference between something I don't want to attend and something I do, but feel anxious about it. Let anxiety be the deciding matter in these things, decide against it! The only way out of anxiety is to go against it. Even if the event itself doesn't turn out as well as you hoped, you will have scored a victory.
     
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Last night I had the first wet dream of this attempt. All I can remember is that MO was involved in the dream. When I woke up I wasn't sure if it was a dream or if I had actually relapsed. There doesn't seem to be any chaser effect, and I actually felt more energized than usual today.
     
  11. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Hail metal brother! I hope all is well. I have not read this journal too be honest but I did read the last 2 pages of your previous journal, and I gotta ask mate: how can you be bored nowadays? There's so much entertainment it's incredible. You can watch virtually any movie and show or listen to any album with just a click away. You can educate yourself towards any subject you like. I don't know how you can find so much time in a day and yet be able to support living on your own, I'm kind of jealous...

    PS: How about 'Asa' eh?!? What a comeback. My favorite Falkenbach release since Ok Nefsa from over a decade ago!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoX9-mjo5is
     
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Hey Modus, good to hear from you! I am well, and I hope you are, too. Well, basically I get bored and restless if I stay inside for too long. I just cannot read or watch movies for more than a couple of hours, but I could easily spend a day outside. Unfortunately, my knee has forced me to stay inside up until recently. But, nature has gone to sleep for now, so that takes away most of the fun. Not to mention the cold winds. I can't wait for spring to arrive!

    Last night I watched the Dreamhack SSF4 tournament, and as usual it's fun. I don't care what people say about video games, watching people battle in Street Fighter is to me what football is to others. That actually kept me focused for almost 6 hours.

    And yes, Asa is amazing. I agree with it being the best since 2003. Speaking of 2003, Tad Morose have finally released another album. I've yet to hear it, but I can't wait.
     
  13. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    I can wait, there's no Urban Breed in it haha... I have very low expectations for it as it will most likely sound like every other modern power/heavy metal release out there. Urban Breed made that band, I can't stand how him and Pyramaze have been together for several years now and not a single goddamn tune has been released by them.

    I can only imagine how awesome some viking/folk and black metal works like those of Falkenbach's can sound in the spectacular Swedish winters.
     
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    True, I'm going to miss Urban but I still think that it will kick some ass compared to other releases this year. I saw them live in the summer and it was great! They were the only band to play a longer set than for which they were scheduled, and that was highly appreciated by everyone in the audience. :D

    As a native, winter is overrated. Sure, there's beauty and the silence of the woods under the starry sky is amazing. But so much is just troublesome, such as slippery pavements, arid climate which dries the skin and makes it crack, and that most paths are blocked by snow. It would be great if I could ski to work, though...
     
  15. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Perhaps this one will be the Fimbulwinter. :)

    I hope the days in your counter will put a smile on your face even when the temperature drops steeply and everything is covered in ice and snow.
     
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm actually going to ditch the counter once I reach day 60. Since the purpose of it is to warm me up and get me started, it's no longer needed.

    I'll try to think positive thoughts this winter. Even if there's no counter to make me feel good, there's always music such as this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoeJ4wpwN5g

    And music that awakens my feelings is worth much, much more. :)
     
  17. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    You're almost at day 60! Two months in, two thirds of 90 days. Good work!
     
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks, 90 days means nothing to me anymore, though. I came to realize that I'm in this for life the first time I reached 90. Two months, however, isn't too shabby. But not much has happened in my life because I've been lazy about it. I suppose there's only so much I can do when work makes me too tired to do anything productive.

    One thing I've realized so far is that I'm nowhere near a relationship. It wouldn't work at all. I don't even have any desire to find a girl, rather the opposite. I don't want to get involved with any. Hopefully this mindset is about to change, as I have had brief moments of longing for a girl. My dreams have also shifted more towards the romantic type, but not enough to get rid of the relapse dreams. Those still haunt me from time to time.

    My determination to reboot is weakening. Recently, I've thought that relapsing wouldn't be too bad and that I should just go for it. That could be the reason for my recent relapse dreams. So, what do I do to avoid going to Google images or something? I could install a filter, but in the end not even that would help. Nay, I need to accept the urges and let them go. I'll keep my head clear so that my thoughts don't stray. I usually drift away when I'm watching some TV series or playing a game which doesn't involve much thinking. Reading a book keeps me more focused, at least until I get sleepy from reading.

    My diet plan is not going well at all. I keep buying snacks to comfort myself after a hard day's work. I think that I need it to endure the labour. I tell myself that it's pointless to give it up since Christmas with all its temptations is around the corner. However, as a glimmer of hope, I woke up a few nights ago around 1AM feeling sick to the point of throwing up. That shows that I've gone too far. I don't stop until I've emptied the bag, even if I start feeling sick.
    At least I've kept to my reduced portions, but if I binge on snacks after it doesn't really matter. Starting next week, I won't bring neither cash nor card to work. That way I'd have to stop by the apartment before I can buy anything, and I'm usually not in the mood to do that even when I have monstrous urges. Getting through the first week is the hardest. If I can survive a weekend without snacks, it becomes much easier to deal with the urges.
    A huge relief is that my face has stayed clear despite of the binging. It's just too bad that I'm using my clear face as a reason to justify the purchasing of snacks. Even with Christmas approaching, I need to stop because even if it's not affecting my skin, it damages my body.
     
  19. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    90 days is just warming up. We're in this for the long run. It would be pleasant to recover in such a short time as three months. :)

    I'm along the same lines with girls. A relationship feels like it's too much, and still there are moments where I want it...

    Let's give this thing two or three more months and we should experience more of a romantic approach to sex, rather than the current version. At least that's what happened to me the last time.

    Don't let the rationalizing take over! Don't trust your thoughts if they go there. After a relapse you'd see it clearly again, you know that.

    I'm sorry to hear that the snacking has gotten worse. What about substitution? Carrots, apples. Not going to the shop after work, going home to eat, then going shopping with a full stomach? Or making a list before going in, stating which items you will buy, the rest are forbidden.
     
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I must confess that I've had a minor slip up. It's nothing extreme, but it could turn extreme if I give in further to the chaser instead of stopping here. Google images is such a dangerous tool...

    There's a festival in Norway in which I'm interested, but the thought alone makes me anxious. How I managed to go to the other side of the planet for a month, when a weekend three hours away is unthinkable is beyond me.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuS9ZfMpUSk

    Behold today the face of this man
    He smiles now as he knows
    His burden starts to slowly fade away
    He laughs at himself
    Now it's easy to let go, of futile and the needless
    To let it lie, to let it go
     

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