The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yesterday was exhausting and annoying. I went for a 65km ride, but late since my parents were here in the afternoon. I had a headwind from hell for like 40km, and when it couldn't get worse I found a bit of gravel. After that, could it get worse? Not the wind maybe, but I broke a bottle cage because it was way too tight. And the temperature was creeping down towards freezing when I still had about 15km left. It was a disappointing ride, but somehow I still managed to average over 25km/h. Compared to a year ago, it's much better. But, I'll never make friends with the headwind.

    Due to the late ride I was too tired to make lunchboxes, so I made them tonight instead. I'm in balance again, finally. Well, almost. Time to order new bottle cages! Meanwhile I'll listen to some soothing music; there's nothing better to relieve stress.
    SeekingWisdom and Gil79 like this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    That sounds like quite an adventure and your willpower to keep fighting the headwind is alike your fight against porn. Seems like a great outlet!
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Everything worked against you and you still succeeded. That's definitely a good step in the right direction.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Gilgamesh It is, isn't it? The headwind is why I gave up cycling last year. This time I won't be beaten as easily.

    @-Luke- I've always been stubborn, so when I put my mind to something I usually accomplish it. The struggle also makes the addiction seem less significant, in a way.

    As I write this, I'm watching the last light disappear beyond the trees. It's beautiful. It's a sign that I'm starting to notice the beauty in common, everyday things. I used to climb a hill to watch the sunset; to be able to do it from my house is something I'm truly grateful for. With the right music, it becomes a scene that no film can rival.

    Tomorrow I'm cycling again. Hopefully it will get warmer soon because it's been freezing lately. This morning I had -6C which is not ideal for commuting by bike. I should have bought those barmitts after all.
    Living, Thelongwayhome27 and Gil79 like this.
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    This sounds awesome.
    Eternity and Gil79 like this.
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    The ride to work was painfully cold. I didn't risk going fast lest I'd damage my fingers. Going home I didn't even wear gloves. Spring is coming, but it is like winter is refusing to let go. At least it's more normal than last year when it went from cold to +20C in a matter of days, bypassing spring.

    I saw a few old photos today, and that made me sad for some reason. Maybe because the world has changed so much in 50 years. Our lives may be better today, but I still imagine that life was much simpler back then. I may have been born a generation too late. It may seem silly, but I sometimes long for another time when there was no Internet or even phones. I think it's made it much harder to live life at its fullest. That's why I strive for a life closer to nature, to seek the things that once filled me with wonder and tranquillity.
    It seems difficult to leave the Internet behind, though. My best friend lives in another country and it's the only way we can keep in touch. It must be possible to limit my usage, however. I've already made Fridays computer free, so that's a start. There are also the bike rides which are a nice escape from everything. But I don't think I'd like to live in complete solitude, as it most likely would make me depressed.
    Gil79 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Man, that Lord of the rings music always gives me goosebumps. Just beautiful.
  8. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    I used to think about the same things to. All these new things made for our convenience and ease of life aren't really helping us all that much. I don't expect to ever be totally free from the internet or phones. But I am completely disconnected for social media, all of it, including facebook, twitter and instagram. And to be honest. I have not missed it in the slightest. They all just make it so much harder to live in the moment. Which I think maybe one of the things that we enjoy about nature the most. You have to present in the moment to experience it. You can't flip through bleacher report on your phone and fully experience nature at the same time. You have to be fully present.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @-Luke- Right? I've been in love with the soundtracks since the films were new. The books, films (they aren't perfect, but very beautiful) and the music have contributed to my love for nature and the romantic spirit that is so profound in me.

    @SeekingWisdom I still have a Facebook but I've grown less interested in it recently. It's a nice tool for keeping up with my favourite bands, but most of what people post is nonsense. I scroll through it and soon enough I reach for the close button. I never use it on the phone, and I normally don't even use the phone. Maybe I'm old-fashioned and weird, but I've never found the appeal in staring at my phone at every waking moment.

    Today was an "eh" day. I did my weekly shopping and as usual there were tons of people. I'm not comfortable with that. I prefer to go shopping in the early morning, but that's no longer and option since it'd mean an extra trip into town. I don't have to like it, though; I just have to get it done. One less car trip a week means less pollution, and is worth the effort.

    I'm looking forward to tomorrow evening. Fridays used to be infamous for the guaranteed relapse, but they are changing into a precious time to relax. Tomorrow I'll make pizza and continue my Tour de France history lessons.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    This is really awesome to read
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  11. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Seconded! Really good to hear. Weekends can be so tough. Looking forward to reclaiming them for myself and enjoying them in a productive way.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks! I still suffer from Friday urges, but I no longer let them control me. Ultimately it's up to me what I do and I can't blame anything or anyone else. I had another low day yesterday which surely empowered the urges. Today I feel much better, though. I'm in the process of baking bread, and I plan to get some garden work done later. If only it wasn't freezing outside!

    A sign that my mood is lifting is that I really enjoy music this morning.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I had a very hard time last night too but somehow managed to not act out. I was home and had no plans. In the end I managed to watch a decent enough documentary instead of relapsing.

    My mood tends to be a lot better in the early part of the day.
    SeekingWisdom likes this.
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Thelongwayhome27 Documentaries are great, that's what I watch on Fridays. My mood is very up and down. If I got plans, it's usually up. If not, it usually leads to negative thinking.

    I opted for running today because I haven't got any bottle cages right now on the bike, and because a sinister north wind was blowing. It was tough; cycling is much easier. I want to keep up with running though. I got an event to run in late May, which I want to be in somewhat good shape for. But there are also cycling events, so those will take priority. Ideally I'd like to do both sports, but if I want to reach my cycling goals, I don't think that's possible at the moment.

    I'm sitting here singing along to some power metal songs. I probably sing terribly, but I enjoy it. It might be fun to do some covers, but there's no way I can get to that confidence level. Rebooting seems to help with voice control, though.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Let's talk regrets. I know that I should let go, but it's very difficult to when they concern such important things in my life. The first is regarding sports. In my youth I was active, and especially in floorball. I'd say that I was good; I had great control of the ball, and good accuracy for goals. Many hours of training led to this. However, I was always short when growing up, and as I got into my teens I was intimidated by the bigger guys. That made me give it up, and sports kinda drifted out of my life for a long time. Sometimes I wonder if I could've had a career, though, had I not given up. I'll never know. Maybe that's why I want so much with my cycling, to prove to myself that I can actually achieve something respectable.

    The second regret concerns studies, and the wasting of my twenties. Similarly to sports, I had an easy time studying and learning. Yet I chose the direction that my friends chose, and perhaps not what I really wanted. I could've become something more than a basic worker. During my twenties I tried a number of things, but I never listened to my heart. In recent years I've finally realized what I should have done. I fear that it's too late now. Well, it's not, but it's a long way to go, especially since I need to pay off the house loan also.

    A third, albeit smaller regret, is that I didn't speak more to the girl I met in Australia. Another case of never knowing what would have happened.

    Can I ever get to a point where I no longer regret anything? The easy way is to only look ahead, but I don't see that as very likely. I suppose that if I could become content with who I am, I could give it a rest. That way I'd have no regrets about the paths travelled.

    As for the present, I will not cycle to work this week. It's still winter temperatures outside, but it seems to get warmer for the weekend. So, instead I've planned on cycling 100km on Saturday. That depends on whether I get the bottle cages, though. It seems that they've been lost in the mail...
  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think it's about working on ourselves right now as we are, in the present. Not so much looking forward as dealing with the present in an honest way. Cheesy as it sounds, doing our best right now, without worrying too much about later. If we manage to improve ourselves, to fix what we can in the present, then we will be more at peace with past "regrets". The more peace we find in the present the more peaceful we feel towards the path that has brought us here.

    "Freedom is what we do with what is done to us" - Jean Paul Sartre
  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Regrets are among the defining things in my life, too. I don't really have a solution. What helped me lately is imagining how I look back at my life in ten years. I regret a lot of things I did (or didn't do) in my twenties. Lots of missed opportunities that will never come back. But then I think about how I'll feel about myself in ten years if I throw my thirties away like I did with my twenties. The regrets do not disappear (at least not for a long time) but at least it motivates me to do some stuff in the present.

    And a like @Thelongwayhome27's quote of Jean Paul Sartre.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  18. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Mh, tough topic, regrets. I've found a weird way of dealing with it. My twenties were consumed with depression and I came up short with most of the things I and others expected to happen.

    So much stuff, man.

    For a long time I didn't think I'd make it out of that deep dark hole. So when I did, it felt like a bonus level, like the apocalypse has come and gone and somehow I'm still here. Took none of this for granted.

    So, all of my regrets kinda pale in comparison to that feeling of getting out of a lethal trap, of somehow getting more time than I thought I had.

    On a more general note, regrets are the natural outcome of having or being able to choose between alternatives. So there's no way of getting around having some. Comes with the territory. Life ain't got a critical path walkthrough.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Thelongwayhome27 I'm certainly more comfortable with my regrets than a few years ago. I believe I'm headed in the right direction now, but maybe not on the absolute best path. I will get there, and maybe then I'll feel completely at ease.

    @-Luke- That's a good idea. I've already done a lot to make sure I don't end up wasting my thirties, but there's always room for improvement. That's, I think, where more time spent in nature comes in. I don't want to spend another decade locked up in a cage. I want to run free and do what I enjoy.

    @dark red drifter vessel I was also in a dark place at the end of my twenties. I considered ending it many times. I too made it out, and that's when things started to get better. Yet the scars remain, and some days they hurt. That's when I feel deep regret, but fortunately it passes.

    The feelings of regret have diminished for now. I've actually done quite a lot to outweigh them. Moving out of the city was a big step. So were travelling and taking up cycling. If I can remind me of this when the regrets hit next, it may not be that bad. Life is actually pretty good now; spring is here and they days turn brighter. I've wasted all my summers but one on PMO since growing up. That one summer was the first time I attempted rebooting, and it was the best since I was a kid. That makes this year's one to remember and one that won't leave any regrets.
    -Luke- likes this.
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    What a bad day yesterday turned out to be. It started well, full of promise. I was not prepared for what happened later, though.

    I went cycling as planned, and I managed to hit the infamous wall. It was a struggle to make it back home, and I was totally exhausted. I suppose that brought my defenses down, for when a trigger appeared I was helpless. I tried to talk myself out of it, but it was futile. I ended up having a full PMO relapse.

    The good news is that I thought that I had missed out on so much, but it was like nothing had changed. It was boring and uninteresting, not at all like previous relapses. It was... more the feeling you get when deep into a marathon binge. You just want it over with.

    I know why I relapsed, and I need to work on preventing it from happening again. Not that I plan to bonk again, but it is a possibility. If I can get back on track today, this relapse will be rather insignificant in the long run. But it's always a challenge, isn't it?

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