The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I got a bunch of things done today, including changing to slicks as planned and some garden work. Small tasks, but together they add up in the struggle against PMO. I did suffer Friday urges again, but again I managed to resist. I wouldn't say I'm getting good at it, because that only leads to overconfidence and relapse. However, I'm prepared for the urges since I know when they'll most likely appear.

    I think I should look into getting a cat. Having a companion around should make life feel less empty. It should also make me take some responsibility, even though cats are fairly independent.

    Lastly I'm glad to see that the climate strikes are growing. It angers me that people still deny that the human race is responsible for the rapid decline of nature. Even worse is that the grown ups in charge don't seem to care, and that the students have to step up. I do think change is coming, but I fear that it's too late. I recall from my childhood that there was talk of changes needed. Why does it take so long? My guess is that man really has to empty every resource before he realizes that he can't eat money. I'd love to work with nature, but I lack the education.
    -Luke- likes this.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Winter just won't let go. I believe we're at the edge of spring now, but it's really seemed like a lifetime of darkness and cold. The warmth and light should help a lot with the reboot process. Unfortunately I don't have much viking blood to help me endure these dark months, and thus I suffer. That said, I've gained some weight during winter. It could just be me growing old and fat (my BMI is still underweight,) but it could also be the body putting on some layers to adapt to harsher conditions. Compared to my old apartment, indoors temperature is now almost 10c lower, so it makes sense that it takes some time getting used to.

    I've looked into some bikepacking gear and setups. It doesn't seem too complicated and I shouldn't have to fit anything extra on the bike, except the bags. The only problem is that it's going to be very expensive if I go for all the gear at once. Instead I will buy gradually, since I won't be making any long trips this year anyway. I'm really looking forward to the some adventures; stopping by a lake to sleep under the stars seems wonderful. Perhaps it will be the outlet for my romantic side, that I've been searching for so long.
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    The last two nights it's felt like having wet dreams, minus the actual wet dream part. I think the real one is near... Furthermore, urges have increased, especially as I go to bed. It bodes ill for the upcoming Friday, but I won't give in that easily.

    Cycling is going okay, but not as well as I'd hoped. I had another indoors session yesterday, but tomorrow it looks more than possible to commute. It seems that spring is truly come now, which means no more uncomfortable exercise bike sessions, and detours on the way home from work. The plan for this weekend is a 50km ride, hopefully on the new bike. I could ride it tomorrow, but I'd rather not attempt to figure out how everything (power meter and SRAM shifting instead of Shimano) works at 6AM.
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    It's a positive sign that you are aware of the possible upcoming challenges. Awareness is the first step in avoiding a relapse.

    A 50km ride should get you away from the computer for some time. I need to get my own bike out. Spring is coming here, too.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I didn't have any wet dream sensations last night, which gives me some confidence for tomorrow. I'll have a nice, relaxing Friday evening and aim to go to bed early. That's the best thing about my own house, I don't have to wait for the neighbours to go to bed anymore. I'm pretty sure that it, among other things, contributed to making the addiction worse. I have slept much better since I moved, and I can usually sleep through the whole night without waking up now.

    I commuted today as planned, and the slicks made it much smoother! I did have a bit of a tailwind, but I managed to shave off more than 5 minutes of my previous travel time. The ride home put me in headwind hell, though. Crosswinds were rather nasty, too; I haven't ridden with deep section wheels for a while, and it was a bit shaky. I still managed to make decent time, though. This is where the power meter will be nice, so I don't push myself too hard just to make a time.

    @-Luke- Aye, at least I know what to not do. I have made Fridays computer free, which has been nice. No novelty stress or social media.
    I have seen more cyclists in the city, but none on the roads so far. I'm sure many will go for their first ride outdoors this weekend, though. Do you ride for exercise or transportation?
  6. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    Great idea!
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Wow. The addiction is really going for it now. I dreamed that I had stopped caring and that it no longer mattered if I relapsed. I even think it made me do it, so that I'd wake up and feel that I can go back to old habits again.

    I won't be fooled. It's not worth going back.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Mostly for exercise. I bought a second hand racing bike (road bike) five or six years ago from my sisters now ex boyfriend. I was more into endurance training back then and I had some knee issues with running, so I bought the bike. Nowadays my focus is more on strength training and I ride my bike less often. But I plan on driving more now as it get warmer.

    What you described about your dream is something I experienced in the past, too. I guess the addicted part of our brain is trying to tell us in our dreams that we should go back to porn. We can somewhat control our thoughts when we are awake but when we sleep the "porn brain" strikes. There was a time when I hated those dreams but nowadays I see them with some amusement.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    That is exactly why I got into cycling. Even if running seems good for a while, the knee pain always comes creeping back. I still run, but the majority of the training is done on a bike. I should do strength exercises, but I find them far too boring. I did a lot of them for my running, only to find that it didn't help. I should definitely look into core exercises for the bike, though.

    I'm back from the 50km ride. I wanted to do it early to avoid the worst wind, but it still got fairly ugly at some points. The tailwind was nice, though; I could go fast which is always good motivation. That said, the new bike is definitely faster. I think it's a combination of lesser weight and slightly better position. The latter is something I intend to experiment with. It was also the first ride where I could record my power output, and I'm glad it's not as low as I feared. I got plenty of improvements to make, however.
    I don't feel very tired, so I don't think that the upcoming 150km ride in May is going to be a problem. Still, I wish I hadn't quit after last summer's event, but that's a lesson learned.
    Gilgamesh and -Luke- like this.
  10. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I think I stopped caring for a little while recently, only to find out that it's a downward spiral. Nothing there but a gradual but certain path into anxiety, depression, disconnectedness, etc. Only one way to go and that is up!
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Alright, I think this is officially 2 months clean. It might be the best I've done since 7 years ago. Unfortunately, the years in between have made things much worse. I'm not in the dark place that I frequented before 2012, but other unwanted emotions have surfaced since. Anxiety is still huge, but I've also grown grumpy and mistrusting of others. While I'm not fully misanthropic, I do avoid others. I have no need to socialize, even going to concerts has been something I've done less and less. I'm sure that I can find the way out, to feel harmony, but that's still several years away. Something I intend to do when it gets warmer is to head up to the woods and simply sit down for 10-15 minutes. It might almost be like meditation, but in either case it should help.

    I rode the bike to work again today, enjoying a swift tailwind. I managed to pedal up to 50km/h on the flat, which was exciting. It's insane to think that the pros can hold that speed for over an hour. There were also some strong gusts which almost pushed me off the road. When I had my feet down on the ground at a junction I almost tipped over, that's how strong they were. It was tough going on the way home, but I still managed it 5 minutes faster than ever before, so I've improved a little.

    @Gilgamesh It sure is, though it's usually veiled by the false comfort. Only when it's too late will you realize what's happening.
    Living, -Luke-, SeekingWisdom and 2 others like this.
  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Congratulations on 2 months clean that's great stuff !
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  13. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Congrats! Now keep the momentum going :):cool:.

    You don't feel the need to socialize now. That's Ok, and probably at some point you do feel that need again. It is also very valuable to be able to be on your own and enjoy yourself. Many people are completely unable to do that and constantly need the distraction of others.
    Living, -Luke- and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  14. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Congrats on 2 months! I've been dealing with social anxiety as well. It's odd how when I first start to abstain I can feel more depressed or anxious or moody than I would even when I was using. Add all that up on top of the headaches and it gets really old really fast. I try to keep reminding myself that it is not a perfect bell curve of improvement. Some days will be much better than others.

    Keep up the good work!
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    I totally agree with this. I am the same way. But the last few weeks I felt a stronger need for socialising then the 2 or 3 years before. Don't overthink it, Eternity. There will come a time when you feel a desire to meet other people, but there's no need to force yourself. You'll feel it when the time is right.

    Your idea with the woods sounds good. I read that doctors in Japan prescribe it to people for stress management etc. They call it "forest bathing".
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks all. Strangely enough it doesn't feel like it's been that long. This is why not counting days works the best for me. After a while it blurs together, and the weeks build up.

    @Gilgamesh Indeed, I've had a need in the past so it will likely return in time. I need to avoid it growing desperate, as it often has, though. A balanced need would be optimal. And yes, the road goes ever on! I'm at last treading on paths long forgotten.

    @SeekingWisdom The mood swings are cruel. For me, I usually seem to shut off all emotions upon rebooting, though. Then it takes a long time for them to return. But I'm in no rush, I know it will get better as long as I stick to it.

    @-Luke- I've forced myself in the past, and it only led to me wanting to go home to watch P. I've mentioned joining a cycling club before, but I think it's going to take a few sportives before I'll actually want one.
    Between the age of 16 and 25, I walked the woods every day. It was incredibly soothing and allowed me to solve many issues. Then I had to move to the city,which made me feel miserable. That eventually led me to this place and realizing where it all went wrong. So yeah, the forest is a great stress healer.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm tired today and my mood is low. It was stressful at work and I also had a flashback dream in the morning. My right arm hurts, too. It's been troubling me for some years; sometimes it's fine, sometimes not. So, it's not been the best day, but I'll manage. I'll take it easy for the rest of the night, to regain energy for tomorrow.

    Tomorrow is Friday which means no computer. I'd like to do some garden work while it's still bright outside, but it seems that another storm is coming, so I'll see about that.
  18. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    My instant thought was you should maybe try something like Pilates or Feldenkreiss if you can find a local class. They can really be amazing for muscle/joint pain. Feldenkreiss really helped me. It’s very natural movement. Or acupuncture!
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2019
  19. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Stress can be such a killer. I know it's affected me physically before. Not saying it is really the root cause of your arm pain. But I doubt it could be helping. I wish I had some good advice about dealing with the stress, but dealing with stress isn't something I've been naturally good at. Hopefully you are at least able to leave the stress at work and not bring it home with you. That much has been helpful for me.
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I've tried quite a number of different methods, including seeing a professional, but none of those. Something that has helped has been stretches for carpal tunnel. I'm positive that it's a type of RSI. Whether it comes from computer usage or heavy lifting at work, I don't know, but I rarely experience it when at home.

    @SeekingWisdom I have no trouble leaving it at work; once I've gone home, I can relax. The problem is that my chosen method of relaxation has been PMO. Lately, I've been able to do the natural thing, though: sleep.

    I was once again tired last night. Due to stormwinds I chose to run instead of cycle, and that was more exhausting than I expected. My plan to maintain the running at a basic level works, but I need to do it more often than once a month so I don't blow up. I slept well after, at least. I think I've found a pattern to my flashback dreams: they're most likely to appear if I wake up around 5-5:30 and go back to sleep. Perhaps it's better to rise if I wake up that late.

    I've taken another step towards a better life: I've started to make lunchboxes again. I can be incredibly lazy when it comes to cooking, which means I choose that which means the least amount of effort. But I'm giving this a try again. I need to save money, and making my own food is a great way. I've been planning my monthly budget recently, and I find that I can stick to it unless something unexpected happens. It's much easier if I write it down.
    Another thing I'm planning to do is to grow my own vegetables. Investing in a good greenhouse is going to cut my expenses greatly during upcoming summers.
    Gilgamesh and Merton like this.

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