The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I hope you manage to be comfortable with being uncomfortable the upcoming days. You know it is worth it and you know that being strong in the moment will be rewarding in the long run. Keep it up!
     
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks, on the bright side I will be busy this weekend.

    One problem down. I'm a little relieved, but the major one remains. It should be solvable but will likely take a while. Well, nothing else to report. It's still insanely hot and I'll likely drift off into an uneasy slumber later on.
     
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Wet dream'd last night. There seem to be no negative effects this time, and happening mid-week makes potential chaser easier to deal with. I can still recall the dream, though, and I hope it goes away soon.
     
  4. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Hope you're doing well, Eternity
     
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Hey, thanks for asking. I'm still busy with moving but I'm fine. No relapse so it's helped being busy. I think this is like a month now.

    I'll be back once everything is sorted out.
     
  6. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Good luck, Eternity. Good to hear you'd been going strong for about a month.
     
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm back. Unfortunately, I've relapsed on the phone since I wrote last time. Possibly due to the moving getting done, and that I couldn't write here every day. How ironic that beating the addiction did not get easier without the Internet! Ah well, there's nothing to do but to look ahead.

    I've set a goal for next year. Long ago I wrote that I wanted to run a marathon; it's time to make that reality. I did complete that big cycling event this year, but if anything, it made me realize that running is what I enjoy. If I train wisely, I'll hopefully be able to avoid injuries.
     
  8. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    That is a really great goal to work up to. I am sure that will help you on the way to recovery!
     
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Fantasy/flashback MO last night. I struggled during the day yesterday, but at least I didn't look up anything. That said, it was a mistake.

    I struggle with motivation right now, not only regarding the addiction but also life itself. I got a lot to do, but I don't want to. I think I need to focus on a single task and get it done, rather than trying everything at once. If I could get going, I could get a lot done in a single day. Also, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, and I'm sure that avoiding PMO will help.

    @Gilgamesh I hope it will. Although it's one year away, it is one of few things I feel motivated about.

    @mevsp Thanks, there's just no turning back no matter how much I've tried to give up recovery.
     
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's tough right now, but I'm not giving in. I've painted the bedroom since the last post, so that's one thing off the list. I had planned a long hike for today, but due to road construction there was nowhere to park. I'm going to attempt it again tomorrow from a different location. It's part of a long trail (280km in total) which I eventually want to walk from start to finish in a single visit, but for now I'm going to check out some parts of it.

    This is my last vacation week, so it will soon get easier to reboot again.
     
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's been over a week since I last viewed something, and I'm getting close to a week since the last MO. I think that the recently clean month has helped me get back swiftly. That said, it's not easy. Just now I entertained the idea of looking up things, but I decided to write here instead. Hopefully it helps. After this I'll continue to clean the roof, if it doesn't start to rain again.
     
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I gave in to urges last night, and also this morning. The goal is to get through the rest of the day so I don't have to go back to work feeling too bad.
     
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Vacation being over helps: far less boredom/idle time. There's no time off until December, so if I play the weekends correctly, it should go well. In theory. Unfortunately, the brain does not believe in theory. It is untamed and must be under constant watch...
     
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I have not been doing well recently. Friday sessions is still a thing and I feel unmotivated. At least I managed to stay clean yesterday, so maybe I can build on this. Getting through next Friday is a goal.
     
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I've avoided this place again. I'm starting to think that there's no way out. Regardless of how well things go, I always fall back to old habits; it's been a cycle for five years. The only thing that makes me return is the stubbornness that makes it almost impossible for me to give up. But what is that good for if I can't focus on getting free. The cycle will simply go on forever.

    I've come a long way in life since I first came here. But I'm not happy. If anything, I know that PMO is not a source of happiness, even though that is its selling point for me. I have no desires other than in unhealthy habits. I don't think I'm depressed, but my thoughts are often dark and negative. I've got every opportunity for a good life; I can eat well and I've moved to a house that's at the doorstep to nature. But it all feels so empty, that there's no point in anything. I know what I need to do, but how to when it seems so pointless?

    I will try to fall asleep without incidents tonight. I have to begin somewhere.
     
  16. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    One of the most important things is to have clear for yourself what you really want. Do you have some clear goals you want to work towards?

    Happy your back btw. I think its more than just being stubborn that youre coming back. I think that deep down you know its possible and that you deserve it. The world is a place of abundance.
     
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    As for goals, it's a bit ambiguous and possibly over-romantic, but I want adventure in my life. The increased anxiety brought by PMO makes me more and more afraid to leave home. When I first tried rebooting I did get better and better at going outside of my comfort zone. This is what I want to work on, but I can't find anything to motivate me. What did motivate me all those years ago? I think it will help if I can remember. There was, I recall, a sense of excitement about trying new things. Things that now seem like nothing special. Perhaps I should plan to do something even bigger to get the reboot started.

    Thanks Gil, it helps when someone writes here. I haven't had any success this week either. I've become used to MO before sleep again. I know that it only takes a couple of nights to break this habit, but it's so difficult. Today is Friday, which is the worst day for me. I'm going to try to stay awake until I'm at my limit, and then head straight to bed.

    Another thing I've considered is that I'm trying too hard. I want to quit PMO, sugar, and snacks. But it seems that trying to quit all at the same time often backfires. For now, I'm only going to focus on PMO. Once (if) I get that under control, I can look into the other things.
     
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I made it through last night, but it was a great struggle. I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me, and I began to M lightly. Then I said no, stopped, and put my hands away. Tonight could be even worse, but now I know that I can fight back.

    I've spent the day rearranging, and working on clearing a path in the woods at the back of the house. It's something I've missed since I moved to the city. Now that I've moved back to the countryside, I can enjoy that again. It only takes 5-10 minutes to walk, but it's enough to clear my thoughts and relax. It will be a welcome aid for the reboot.
     
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    So far, so good. Can I do this? Well, if I can pass one day, I should be able to. This weekend seems to get busy, which is good.

    I still don't have any motivation to do this, but deep down I know what must be done. I have to believe that the darkness can pass; that something makes it worth fighting.
     
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I lasted for three weeks, but last night it ended. Same old reason, curiosity. What's new on the forbidden sites? This was on the phone, not PC, so maybe there's something I can do.

    Today won't be fun, but I might be able to endure and get back on track.
     

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