The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    That's great to hear. I'm sure that as long as I avoid PMO, it will get better. I simply haven't had any success with that since that first year; like you I kept looking for new ways. Taking novelty to another level. For the first time in years I'm starting to see that there is something worth fighting for.

    I've suffered a minor headache yesterday and today. I can only blame myself for not staying off the sugar. It seems to have passed now, but I'm very tired. That's also because I have had to make a very important decision recently; I've slept unwell due to being anxious. I think the worst is behind me now, and that I should be able to sleep a little better.

    Music is starting to sound interesting again. Especially 90s black metal sounds fresh.
  2. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Interesting that even that perception changes with the reboot.....
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's more about how music works for me (I tend to cycle favourite styles,) but the renewed interest might be because of the reboot.

    Through the years I've noticed that my mood changes if I'm in physical pain. If I have to cease an activity due to pain, it makes me desperate. This has often lead to turning to PMO for comfort. Why am I writing this now? Right now a knee hurts. It seems I'm in pain more often than not. Maybe it's part of aging. Either way, I need to be aware of the risks.

    Also, the constant heat is getting to me. It's always 32 C or more in my apartment. I'm always tired, but it's hard to sleep. I can't have the windows open due to noise/smoke/etc. I really hope moving changes this.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Three weeks today. The next step is the full month, after which, things should start to feel different. However, considering the torment I've caused myself in recent years, I may need more time to defrost.
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  5. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Three weeks is very good! Just remember to take it one day at time, and be wary at most vulnerable situations (for which Im sure you are well aware of) and you are over a month smoothly. :)
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm sorry. Heat + wet dream + Friday = fail. Well, back on it again, or so I hope...

    Edit: Partially to blame is probably that I skipped dinner. In other words, I broke my daily after work routine. That's something to consider for upcoming Fridays.
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2018
  7. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Yeah never skip a meal when you're sensitive to blood sugar imbalances. It can trigger a relapse
  8. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I wouldn't know how to cope with that heat: 30+ degrees C in the house. Crazy. Don't beat yourself up. Don't use the words 'sorry' or 'fail'. This kind of negative feedback is really not helping you any further. Instead, be proud of the 3 weeks. For the urges you gave into now, there have probably been 10+ to which you didn't give in. Keep training that muscle of will-power.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    The day after...

    I don't feel terrible, but I'm not happy how yesterday turned out. The entire 20 minutes I thought that I should stop, but let's face it: the damage was already done as soon as I turned on the computer. I suppose I wasn't ready to face all of the dangers at the same time. The timing of the wet dream was unfortunate, but I could still have prevented what happened. That said, now I know what to avoid.

    @Fry2 It's an old habit to skip dinner on Fridays, but clearly I shouldn't do that. That said, it probably could be a fancier meal than on other evenings. That'd also keep me occupied for longer. I was actually considering making pizza when I got home, but alas...

    @Gilgamesh There's not much to do in the heat, everything seems to drift towards a nap which I want to avoid in the evenings. And, you're right. I shouldn't beat myself up. Three weeks is good and if I can continue on, I will only have given in to the addiction for 20 minutes in one month.
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Got through yesterday fine. Today shouldn't be a problem; got some stuff to do. Cleaning, packing, cooking and the daily exercise. Then I should have no trouble until next Friday, but this time I'll be better prepared.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's so hot, up towards 40+c in the sun. I tolerate it well but I don't like that it's difficult to get things done. So, I tend to lounge at the computer most of the time, or nap. On the bright side, it's almost too warm to consider PMO.

    While I'm here, maybe I should talk about why music is so important to me. Simply put, it's one of the two large passions in my life (the other being nature.) It's something I've been into for over 20 years. Interests tend to come and go, but music has always been static. That said, my taste changes like my mood. Perhaps it even reflects my mood? Recently I've been into more solemn songs. They tend to correspond well with these feelings of longing and romanticism I often experience.
    I have unfortunately never learned an instrument; I lack the patience and discipline. I enjoy singing, though, which often helps to improve my mood. Well, enough rambling...

    cjm likes this.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Today I've been thinking about how I've changed in the last 10-15 years. I've mentioned that I have become very bitter in recent years, but how was life pre-YBOP?

    Before I moved to the city and developed a depression, life was good (despite being addicted to PMO.) Everything was fun and games. Going for long walks while listening to music was a highlight; on sunny days it made me see the incredible beauty of the world. There was always something to discover. Today, the world seems grey.
    I wonder why it changed. That it was when I moved to the city is obvious, but what exactly happened? Was the escalated PMO use the only reason? Or was it the realization that my teenage lifestyle was over? I believe more in the latter and that the former was a result of it. If so, has all innocence been lost and is there no hope of regaining that mindset of old? Or is there a way of getting amazed by the wonders of the world despite the inescapable responsibility and pressure of adult life?

    It's difficult to remember how I felt during that early reboot. But I know that I hadn't felt better in many years. Everything feels empty right now, yet there is hope. It begins with the breaking of this addiction. Long have I searched for a reason to reboot, but it's getting more and more solid the more I actually think.

    It's no secret that I'm a fan of Tolkien's works, and especially the Song of Durin's Awakening calls to me now. Like my own story, it tells of old wonders, the fall, and of hope.

    The world is grey, the mountains old,
    The forge's fire is ashen-cold;
    No harp is wrung, no hammer falls:
    The darkness dwells in Durin's halls;
    The shadow lies upon his tomb
    In Moria, in Khazad-dûm.
    But still the sunken stars appear
    In dark and windless Mirrormere;
    There lies his crown in water deep,
    Till Durin wakes again from sleep.
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Dreadful Friday once again tomorrow. Am I better prepared this time? I need to exercise and I will not skip dinner, but what happens after? I think I'll watch a film and try to sleep early. I'm used to going to bed early, so as long as I avoid caffeine it should work out. Maybe I shouldn't even turn on the computer tomorrow.

    On the bright side, tomorrow would've been one month had I not slipped last week. It's probably the first time I've managed not to lose control after a relapse, which I think is progress.
    cjm likes this.
  14. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    If you're really in danger then it'd be the best to not even turn on a screen at all. My recent relapses all occured on friday or saturday when the stress of the week was falling off and I was watching a movie to relax. Not soon after my brain wantes to watch something else (it considered even more relaxing)...
    Living likes this.
  15. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    How's the Friday going Eternity? Good job on preventing a re-relapse from last week! It is often so easy to self-medicate the relapse shit with another relapse and the chaser effect makes it even worse. Keep it up!
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I stuck to the plan, and it worked. Yes, there were some powerful urges, but I managed to fall asleep fairly early. As a result, I got up terribly early today, but I'd rather have the Friday behind me. I've got some things to take care of this morning, but after that, I don't know. It seems that it's not going to be as hot of a day, so maybe I can do some hiking.

    This morning a thought hit me: the absurdity of watching porn. When thinking about it from a non-aroused perspective, it seems ridiculous. Maybe I can laugh about it one day, but right now things could turn around in an instant.

    @Fry2 I considered what you wrote, but I still went with the film. This time it worked out but I will not watch anything tonight, because of what you say about the brain going on autopilot. In this critical stage I can't afford to relax too much.
  17. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Good to hear, glad it worked out. In my case occasionally going on autopilot happended when I was watching TV alone too long too late in the night. Maybe when careful to not start "zapping around" and going to bed early it's safe.

    Can relate to the ridiculous thought, but then again I also know how fast things can change. Hope one day it will be different and we won't be even bothered anymore by the offer of wasting our energy by fake sexy women on a screen.
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I got dangerously close to giving in last night. I was in bed reading when I was struck by powerful urges. I almost got up and turned on the computer. However, I put the book down and considered the consequences for a minute or two. That helped and I was able to read another chapter before falling asleep. I successfully weathered the storm, and I think I've gained a little bit of wisdom.

    I really hope that rebooting helps with objectifying women. Right now I don't even think about what kind of person they are; appearance is all that matters. I'm hopeful because during my first, longer attempts things started to change.
  19. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    It is these moments that really count as recovery. Keep doing this and keep getting better at it!
    Eternity likes this.
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I've been hit with some negative things today. Frustration level is rising, but I must not give in to the bad emotions. Hopefully I can solve these problems but I will be under a lot of pressure for a week or two, due to the move.

    "I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
    "So do I," said Gandalf, "and all those who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

    I need to stay strong through this. As much as I wish I didn't have to deal with it, I have to. That is my decision.

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