The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Since I recently turned 30, I decided to create a new journal in this section and lock my old one. It's still there, so there won't be any introduction or such here.

    A short recap of what's happened during the last two months:
    At the end of July I got caught in a chaser-relapse cycle which has haunted me since then. "Just one last time" has been a reoccurring thought. Have I learned anything? Yes, I know that I will eventually face extreme horniness and urges but I know these can be avoided by walking away from it all. Go outside, do anything to stay away from the computer. I also know, more than ever, that I'm never going to be safe. I can't let down my guard, not for a very long time at least. Even an ad which would be considered tame can be fatal to me.

    It's currently been nearly two days since I last MO'd. I've made it a habit to MO before I sleep, and this is pressure point #1. #2 is weekends. I have been able to go 4-5 days without PMO during the last months, but the weekends always get me. I think, if I can get through one weekend I will feel much more confident that I can actually beat this.

    As I've mentioned before, I'm building up a lot of frustration at work. I've got way too much to do, and this makes me want to comfort myself. I think you can guess with which method. This is also going to become a problem, but I can deal with it in other ways, I'm sure. Simply lying down and relaxing helps a lot, as does walking.
    Last edited: May 27, 2020
  2. Me_vs_P

    Me_vs_P Guest

    wow when I read that I get pissed, because I had the exact same experience. stayed at home only to get out for groceries and weekend visits to parents. was addicted to online gaming to escape real life (even had trouble communicating with other gamers) and lost contact with all my friends as well.

    this is once more evidence for me that PMO was the cause of my problems. I didn't had a clue what was causing it a couple of years ago, but now it becomes more clear everyday by reading stories like yours that PMO was the cause because we share the same symptoms.
  3. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    I've got your back in this! You've done it before, so you know how to get through the rocky start. Small goals, man, small goals... About work, I hope you're doing your best to relate to it in a correct way. Many times one can make the situation worse than it is by the way he thinks about it. Welcome back!
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    @Me: Aye, those were some dark days. I'm glad those are past, today I'm much more positive and optimistic, albeit not happy due to this addiction. Pleasure lasts for brief moments, while happiness can last forever, and for that reason I'm willing to give up porn.

    @True: It's great to be back. All this time I've told myself to get back here, but then my brain took over. Also, I had dark feelings, similar to yours when you almost disappeared too.

    Work wasn't bad today. It's good to get some energy and motivation back, it's been a while since I wasn't totally exhausted by the end of the day. The amount of work has often overwhelmed me, when I should know by now that I will be able to get it done.

    The weekend is almost here which will be the first challenge. Past weekends I've felt motivated and determined, only to a minute later browse suspicious websites. Although I was thinking "what am I doing?", it was nearly impossible to stop it. The urges, when they come, are strong. I will be stronger, though. I do not need to listen to the urges.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I have successfully survived the weekend! Maybe I'm jinxing myself by writing this already, but I feel great and relapsing is not an option.

    Headed to the forest yesterday to capture the wonderful colours of autumn on camera. It was refreshing and I can't believe how much energy I have all of a sudden. I feel like running again and I may go for a short run tomorrow after work.

    I got a bunch of other things done as well which I've procrastinated. Abstaining does wonders for my motivation.

    Hoping that next week will continue to go as smoothly.
  6. me_vs_p

    me_vs_p Guest

    sounds good keep it going! 8)
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    One week! That's the longest I've gone since July. Next up, 10 days.
  8. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Good going, friend! :D
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Ten days!

    Mood and energy have gone up and down, as expected. This afternoon I was extremely tired at work and I doubt I will stay up late. A very tame image on a news website gave me some urges, which shows how vulnerable I am to such material at this stage. No worries, though. I'm not falling for these simple tricks.

    I am still extremely addicted to snacks/sweet treats. It's very hard not to pick anything up when I go shopping. I bought some again today, but I will do whatever I can to make it the last time. What usually happens when I buy snacks is that I regret it, and try to consume it as quickly as possible to get it over with. This passes soon, though, and then the story repeats and repeats.
    It should be easy to stop by simply not buying anything else. That's why I'm only going to go shopping once per week. If I can get through three times, I should be somewhat free from the urges. During these three weeks I will buy more fruit and vegetables than I normally do. Cucumbers are great for something crunchy, and so are carrots. The difference is that I don't get addicted like I would with snacks or sugar, and even if I do it's nowhere near as bad for me. I have managed to stop my snacks consumption before, and I know that it's far from impossible.

    My next goal is a fortnight.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Going to bed early when your tired is a very wise thing to do. In my case even tiredness can lead to PMO.

    I wouldn't worry about the snacking too much. Take it at one habit at the time. But you're right it's maybe also very well to manage by snacking healthy. Yesterday we had cucumber and carrot left from making sushi. The whole evening I have been (binging :)) on cucumber and carrot. It goes down just as easy as cookies or potato chips.

    Oh, and also good to shop after you have eaten! When I go shopping hungry I come back with the most unhealthy stuff there is.

    Have a nice weekend!
  11. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    I was with my brother and niece and ate way too much candy. I tend to binge on it as well. I'm going to buy carrots the next time.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Shopping on an empty stomach is indeed disastrous. Going first thing in the morning works too, because the snacks urges usually appear later on.

    I realize that I will encounter a problem soon: boredom. I can only do so much cleaning. The hours are long during the weekends. I need to consider my options or I will eventually kill time with you-know-what.

    For now I'm going to watch some TV series and movies, but I'm going to grow weary of them after a while. I hate sitting still doing nothing for too long, and with winter around the corner it's not too nice going for walks. My first thought is to go back to cooking. There was a time when I enjoyed trying new recipes. I cut myself earlier today, though, which may be an omen...

    Maybe cooking classes, hm. I also heard about a good vegetarian cookbook a few months ago which would be worth a try.

    I will go to some concerts but they're not frequent enough to keep me busy constantly.

    I'll try to come up with more ideas because I'm going to need them!
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I've nearly made it through my second weekend! It feels like it's been a lifetime since I last PMO'd when it wasn't really that long ago. It should speed up soon, though. Tiny urges continue to attack me, but they've been easy to repel thus far. I'm concerned about the urges growing in strength, but all I can do is to take the day as it comes. There's no point in worrying about what's going to happen two weeks from now.

    Today I successfully resisted four opportunities to buy snacks/sweets. I went to do some shopping with my brother and these days it's like every store has its own candy section and soda fridge. What I did buy, however, is a blender. That means I can go back to making green smoothies. It's been a long time since I last made them, and I've missed them. They'll make a much better breakfast than the single orange I've had before work for the last six months.

    By skipping the snacks and consuming more leafy greens, my diet will become much healthier. Hopefully I will gain an energy boost, too!

    Edit: I just ordered a bunch of books. I like reading, but I rarely buy new books. I'm a fan of fantasy but there's still a lot I've never read, such as Wheel of Time.
  14. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Boredom is a huge trigger for me as well. The urges stem from the wish to experience something in what seems a gray life. As if tinting it black at moments would make it better! I think we should accept boredom for now. Long-term withdrawal is supposed to be like that. You and I have before managed to abstain for a good amount of time. What was different for you then that you were able to break free from the initial zone? I feel I am capturing the same spirit I had when I became a member here, about a year ago. I disliked the autumn turning into winter. The world becoming colder and darker. But I had a fire in my heart. A couple of relapses didn't stop me from going on. I feel a sense of loss that I lost that fire along the way. But I don't think I have become weaker during the summer. I think this whole year has been a learning experience for me. I know what to expect now. It's the same for you. We are not strangers to breaking out from the initial withdrawal. There were suprises before, we couldn't know what to expect. Now we know every step of the way. We know what to expect. It is exactly as you said, that by taking it day by day we will make it. Everyone can abstain for a day. "I shall abstain until tomorrow" is a good motto for a rebooter. Make it a day, do the same thing tomorrow, let the counter become a more pleasant sight each day.

    Can you give me a recipe for a smoothie? I might buy a blender as well.

    I'm glad you ordered those books. A good book can really take me away and lift my spirit.
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Good job on buying the blender. A healthy foundation is important for the reboot and I'm sure you can make many nice things to avoid snacking.

    I'm curious about one thing. You wrote you have a brother. Have you ever talked with him about porn (addiction). Is he the same age as you? Do you think he might be addicted as well? Hope you don't mind I ask.

    Stay strong against the upcoming urges. Remember that even watching a bit of porn will probably lead to a whole escalation and consequent hangover, depression, brain fog. Feeling bad for days. Abstaining is the right way to go: forward! Keep it up!
  16. mhopper

    mhopper Guest

    One common theme that I've found among all people who struggle within anything addictive is the need to "put ourselves" into something. I struggle with masturbation addiction while my brother struggles with alcoholism, but I see us having similar pitfalls. He can go all week without even thinking about a drink, but then comes the weekend and he's at home, alone, bored, and lonely. It's hard to not do whatever it is that you do when you're just sitting there staring at the wall. I started going running again, lifting weights again, doing martial arts again, anything to keep me busy and not thinking about the last time I masturbated or drifting off into a sexual fantasy. Sometimes, I'll just show up at people's houses randomly, even just to watch re-runs of M*A*S*H with my parents. Is it Prime entertainment? No, but I'm sitting alone. I've started playing the guitar again... and I'm absolutely horrible, but at least when I am sitting alone I'm thinking about the music and not about masturbating myself. It's just a thought. I realize everyone's different, but make a list of things to do, even if it's just going for a long walk. Get out of the house, go to the library, watch a movie, go to a coffee shop, an art gallery, talk to people.
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Moderate snacks urges today, but no other trouble.

    True: I was extremely sick of the addiction and that kept me going until I reached safe ground. The fire in my heart was burning too. That's been the problem lately, that I'm not sick enough of it. But I have to get used to not feeling like that, because I can't rely on it. I need to find solid reasons to abstain and not just vague goals.

    Green smoothies are very simple. I won't give you a recipe, but rather some guidelines. You'll want:
    ~2 handfuls of leafy greens, such as spinach or kale. I recommend starting with baby spinach, though, because it's very neutral in taste and not overpowering like other greens can be.
    1-2 fruits, such as apples or pears. The choice is yours. The reason to use fruit is to hide the taste of the greens.
    500-700ml of water. You'll get a feel for how much you need. If it's too runny, you may want to decrease the amount, for example.
    (Optional) A handful of fresh or frozen berries. Why not make it even healthier? Plus if you use blueberries, it'll colour your smoothie to a nice red instead of the green/brown it'll have without (usually turns brownish if you use apples, not sure if lemon juice can counteract it).

    Then you're of course free to add whatever you like. Sometimes I add fresh ginger, for example. I think it's possible to add nuts for some fat as well. You can also use coconut or almond milk instead of water to make it sweeter. The only important part is to get the greens in there!

    Gilga: I've never mentioned it to him. He's three years younger and I doubt he's addicted to P. I haven't seen any "signs", and although he claims to be antisocial, he's very good with people. He's always been single, but I don't think it means that he's a P user. It's just his choice. He's good with girls and if he wanted a girlfriend, I don't think he'd have any problems. I don't mind you asking. :)

    mhopper: I'll probably spend more time with my brother, even if it only means playing fighting games. Good job on picking up the guitar again! I'm interested in trying as well, but I think singing is more fun. That being said, it'd be great to be able to both play and sing. I intend to get out more, I just need to figure out to where. There's not much to do in this small town. I've had this idea to just get out of town every weekend, even if it's just a random trip. Perhaps I'll go on photo trips.
  18. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    They say in the recovery nation workshop that the best motivation is the sincere wish to change one's life. Why I haven't done so is because of my defeatist attitude. In weak moments I am a quitter. I easily have pessimistic visions. A great portion of the time, I play with thoughts about suicide, as if I had already abandoned my life and so any potential goals. The hopelessness that is often mentioned by addicts is in my thoughts often. I have to get into my head the thought that in truth the future is open with a lot of possibilities, that I am more than capable of controlling myself. Right now, I don't have goals about the future. I'm thinking about just recovery. I think I'll have goals when I get the overwhelming negativity that comes with the addiction out of my mind.
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yes, it may be better to focus on getting the addiction under control first. Like you say, negativity won't help you reach your goals. For me, procrastination has been the culprit in making my goals impossible to reach in the past, due to there always being something else I need to take care of first. That being said, I also need to stop setting unrealistic goals. There's a fine line between goals and dreams...

    Two weeks down. I don't want to seem overconfident but I have a good feeling about this run. I will succeed and ascend to a better life where I have nothing to be ashamed of.

    I had a P flashback at work, and it made me laugh. When considered with a non-horny mind, you quickly realize how pathetic and stupid porn is.

    I may be entering a flatline period. It's hard to tell but it doesn't matter. I'm not going to test it. A day without urges is a good day.
  20. me_vs_p

    me_vs_p Guest

    Yes! I've never understood those guys who complain about flatlining. I WISH I could flatline but I'm one horny mothrfcker! flatlining sounds like a fantasy island to me where your dick leaves you alone FINALLY! I hope I can fall in a flatline one day and that it may last for weeks!
    I'm ready for a vacation from my libido, it has brought me nothing but frustration (ok some pleasurable moments here and there).

    but you're doing great! you're in your third week now 8) seems like everybody's doing great but me :S I keep on failing and failing with this reboot shit.

    but whatever I haven't given up yet.

    keep on doing what you're doing!

Share This Page