The Rise of the Porn Induced Sex Maniac - The Hidden Demon that will Sabotage Your Socialising

Discussion in 'Social Advice' started by LycurgusTheLawgiver, Aug 7, 2020.

  1. LycurgusTheLawgiver

    LycurgusTheLawgiver New Member

    Hello all,

    My reason for creating this post is to draw attention to what I see as a dangerous oversimplification of, or perhaps oversight in, that aspect of conventional rebooting wisdom, which encompasses the process of ‘re-socialisation’ (my own term, please excuse the hubris). You know what I am alluding to here: you have read the pages on ’the basics of rebooting’, which are attached to every major porn addiction recovery website, and you are no doubt aware of the inevitable exhortations to ‘make an effort to socialise with real women again’ - as opposed to limiting yourself to the pictures or videos of particularly pretty ones, to which you’ve thus far been finding it far more convenient to devote your attentions - and to ‘rewire your brain to sex with real partners’.

    Of course, these are patently necessary steps in overcoming porn induced sexual disfunctions such as PIED, and the assorted problems with ejaculation from which many long-time porn users suffer; and, in eliminating from our minds that underlying sexual conditioning which necessitates the intermediary presence of a computer screen in order for us to find a woman sexually arousing - and which thus helps gives rise to all those physical symptoms in the first place. As well, of course, as being a necessary step towards a richer and more wholesome social life, characterised by meaningful relationships to real living, breathing, human beings.

    Beyond that particular form of sexual conditioning touched upon above however; and the nasty type covered extensively elsewhere - which leads ordinary people to fall victim to strange and undignified sexual fetishes; one hears very little mention of any additional forms of pernicious sexual conditioning; save perhaps occasionally, from feminists and women’s rights groups, who warn of porn ‘objectifying’ women and normalising violent sex. Well I believe that the women’s rights groups and feminists, whatever their other prejudices and shortcomings, have come closer here than anyone, in revealing, and drawing attention to, the third major form of sexual conditioning associated with chronic porn use. One which I would argue, is just as dangerous, and just as damaging, as the first two; yet which is far less visible, being altogether more subtle; and which even holds the power of hijacking a well meaning rebooter’s efforts to transition to more wholesome relationships with real people.

    Now, it may transpire that the hidden and deadly effect of long term porn use, to which I am to refer and elucidate here - one which I have not yet seen emphasised on any of the many porn addiction websites and forums which I am so far familiar with - is unique to me; or that perhaps it is not that widespread and thus significant a problem to merit much community attention being drawn to it. Though somehow I expect that it is rather more common than you might first think; though certainly it is not readily apparent when one is yet immersed in the sleepy sea of self-indulgent stupefaction that is regular porn use.

    The problem, in a nutshell, is what I shall term ‘porn induced sexual preoccupation’ (PISP). It is a two pronged beast, consisting on the one hand of a distorted and unnatural view of the nature and essence of sex, as it ought to occur between a man and a woman; and on the other, of an exaggerated degree of importance and significance being placed by the long-time porn user, on the role and place of sex within a romantic relationship in the real world. This latent conditioning, lying dormant in the mind of the long-term porn user, can cause relationship problems galore once he begins the process of rebooting, and starts trying to form romantic relationships with women in the real world (particularly, I would surmise, if he started using porn as an adolescent and experienced extensive porn use before any real romantic relationships occurred).

    The peculiarity of this problem is that if an ex-porn user isn’t aware of this underlying cause for his continual social and romantic failures, he will likely either continue banging his head against a social brick wall if you will, and getting absolutely nowhere, or after a time, perhaps decide that he is simply repulsive to women for some unfathomable, though deeply personal reason; and, either give up and go back to porn, or worse - become frustrated, and begin to blame his arrant failure on womankind themselves, leading to the insidious growth of a cynical and misogynistic mental outlook; something which could lead to a very ugly and ignominious future indeed. Just look into the story of Elliot Rodger if you don’t believe me.

    To you, it may feel like you’re finally making a - from your perspective - ‘healthy’ effort to engage in a normal romantic relationship, by taking her out for a drink; to her it may seem that you are simply creepily going through the motions in order to try to get her into bed with you. Or, if you do eventually find yourself in a regular relationship - what may feel refreshingly healthy and ‘natural’ to you, might feel like an overwhelming preoccupation with sex to her. She may be alarmed by your rough mannerisms in the bedroom - pulling her hair, slapping her ass, and gripping her throat during sex; or your trying to ram your genital organ in and out of her throat as if it were her vagina; she may be frightened by the speed and force with which you penetrate her: slamming into her as hard and fast as you can, with a violence which could leave her with bruising the next day; she may feel uneasy about the way you insist on ejaculating over her face every time that you have sex with her, or your strange and fanatical insistence that she swallow every drop of your ejaculate. She may - probably sooner rather than later - decide that you are a perverted sex maniac, and end her relationship with you.

    Porn, after all, with its love for enormous male genitalia, rough and frantic sex engaged in spontaneously, often by total strangers in the most utterly inappropriate places and situations; or worse between people who shouldn’t be having sex with each other at all (assuming that they might be in the least bit concerned by the irreparable harm to their family/community/society/relationships that must inevitably result from their mindless self indulgence). Porn, with its depictions of frenzied women who - despite leading nominally respectable lives as doctors, real estate agents, nurses etc. - apparently, would secretly like nothing more in life, than to physically succeed in swallowing the most enormous specimen of the male genital organ, which they might conceivably get their hands upon. Porn, in its obsession with tiny women and great, hulking men; with its love for ludicrous contrasts, presents an abnormal and distinctly physical, representation of sex; a strange parody that would be funny, if it weren’t so damaging, to so many. Sex in porn is something that a man does to a woman, not with. A force of nature which is depicted as being so powerful, ecstatic and fundamentally inexorable, as to trump all other human considerations - including personal relationships, and obligations to one’s family, or society.

    Is it really so implausible then, that a young porn addict, of lets say, around twenty years old, might, through his years of consistent porn use - spanning his most malleable and impressionable years - have obtained an abnormally rough, physical, and impersonal conception of sex? Or that he might attach a grossly exaggerated degree of significance and importance to its role in real romantic relationships?

    Thus far my claims have been general and abstract, my examples hypothetical. It’s high time I introduced a personal element to this thread; introduced myself; and related to you what I believe are personal experiences with just the kind of latent sexual conditioning which I have been describing, as well as the detrimental impacts which I feel that its had upon me.

    I am a long term user of pornography, being of that first generation of children who grew up with access to high-speed porn-streaming sites (the advent of PornHub marked the advent of puberty for me, and I discovered the wonders of its use around the same time); yes, that lucky, or really rather unlucky, generation; whose parents were all too naive and unsuspecting of the monstrous dangers which might be lurking on the splendid and newfangled ‘internet’, only waiting for their precious little boy to stumble across them - and thus fall prey to their ravages. I’m twenty five now, and am currently embarked upon my second major attempt at rebooting, one which, due to an accumulated depth of wisdom born of experience, a more systematic approach, and a wider and more effective armoury of tools and resources, holds much greater promise of success than my previous attempt.

    Ahhhh, my previous attempt... It began when I was 20; when, with my genital organ nuzzled rather snuggly inside the mouth of an affectionate, eager, and most solicitous young lady - one whom I remember at the time as being really quite pretty - and, in the midst of the first real sexual encounter of my life - I realised that my penis simply wasn’t cooperating. In short, I was suffering from an embarrassing spell of temporary impotence - and at the worst moment imaginable!

    Without wishing to trouble you with any more vulgar detail, it will suffice to say that with some encouragement from my hand, and a little assistance from my imagination; I managed, finally, to ‘get it up’, and to manfully meet the needs of this most pressing engagement. Now once the inevitable excitement - which necessarily will attend so momentous, novel, and intimately profound a life experience as losing one’s virginity - had subsided; I naturally turned to thinking about the elephant in the room, that embarrassing little hiccup which had nearly cost me the whole thing; and just what its possible causes might be. And so, I turned to my old friend - or enemy - the internet; and I did some googling. Well, it wasn’t long before I found out about PIED, and its startlingly widespread effects. And, in that attitude of cavalier sanguinity which so characterises youthful inexperience, with its host of attendant follies: I thus embarked, with very little planning, and only the most cursory acquaintance with the information available to me online, upon my first major effort at rebooting...

    The next two to three years of my life were dedicated to little else but socialising (to put it politely) with women. I was living abroad, in a major European capital city, working part-time (only enough hours to support myself) and the rest of my time was entirely dedicated to trying to bed the exotic women of that principality. I did not realise at the time, that in what I viewed as my ‘healthy’ effort to rewire my brain and form ‘natural’ relationships with real women, I was subconsciously trying to replicate the porn experience in the real world, and that my frantic efforts to bed as many women as I possibly could, was an attempt to satiate my porn-warped brain’s artificial thirst for endless sexual novelty.

    I approached thousands, dated over a hundred, and had sex (my only goal at the time) with ten. But there was a strange and recurrent theme throughout almost all of the dates and sexual experiences which I had. Something - and I was damned if I could identify it at the time - was putting the ladies off. Perhaps it was in part the fact that I literally had no goals and aspirations in life, save sexual gratification (something which did not occur to me as being an issue at the time). Almost all of the girls whom I had sex with, would do so twice at the most; and then they would mysteriously decide that they’d had enough. The only one with whom I formed a more regular relationship during those years - a woman who had lived 38 years on this earth, to my 21 - was most certainly a female nymphomaniac of sorts, and our ‘relationship’ was based almost entirely around sex; you might, as a young porn user, surmise that such a relationship would be a dream come true; but as a matter of fact it lacked intimacy, it lacked personal affection, and there was just some intangible feeling about the whole thing that could best be described as one of emptiness. I got a clue as to what my phantom issue might be, on my second romp with Laura, a Spanish girl of 30. We were having sex in her apartment after a date at a local Italian restaurant, and half way through, in missionary position, I grabbed her hold by the throat, something which I’d picked up from all the porn I’d watched. After that her demeanour changed, like a balloon that had just been punctured. She told me soon afterwards as we were lying in her bed, that, when I grabbed hold of her throat like that, all of her attraction for me dissipated in an instant. She slept with her back turned to me all that night. I never saw her after that. I had other, similar instances: another girl, Chloe, 20 years old and French: I invited back to my AirBnb apartment for a second time (I had had oral sex with her on the previous, occasion, being unable to go the whole hog, as she had been menstruating that day). I remember her asking me about a DVD in my apartment, which she had recognised and commented on upon her first visit, and whether I had watched it yet. I may have feigned interest the first time she had come over; but that day my overriding desire for sexual conquest was even more singleminded than usual. I remember (though not the exact words) my curt dismissal of the DVD, a dismissal which typified my total absence of interest in her, or of anything much at that time, other than sex. A few minutes later I was kissing her, and would have had sex with her were it not for my PIED. I never saw her again. When I phoned her a few weeks later she told me she didn’t want to see me again - I was too ‘domineering’.

    This theme repeated itself again and again. But it wasn’t only in my sexual successes (if such selfish and indiscriminate conquests are worthy of that word), but in the countless unsuccessful dates which I had; where something could clearly be seen to be going amiss. It certainly didn’t help that I was a young man who should have been studying or doing something in the world, but who had entirely reduced his life aspirations to personal sexual conquest on a scale to match his previous porn use (I was no doubt influenced to make this radical commitment by reading and watching slimy ‘pick up’ material online, a subject which merits fuller discussion in another post - nevertheless I was undoubtedly primed, and left especially receptive to the ‘pick up’ message, by years of incessant porn use, which had warped my perceptions of sex and deprived me of any real relationships, leaving me remarkably naive). Of course, I couldn’t disclose this sole ambition and occupation of mine to the many young women whom I invited for ‘first dates’, and as such I was left to dissimulate, and prevaricate, and to try to convey the impression that I was in fact leading a normal life; and that I had real interests other than sex. There was another Spanish girl, I forget her name, this one - like almost all of them - I had accosted on the street, and I immediately invited her to my favourite Scottish pub. After a few drinks and a game of darts I suggested we up and leave and go for a walk; about 45 minutes later I was kissing her in a bus shelter. I must have hinted at her joining me back at my apartment, because I distinctly remember her informing me in no uncertain terms, that she would not under any circumstances be coming back to my home that evening. Nevertheless, on walking her back to the metro at the end of our evening together, I foolishly and arrogantly decided to take a detour down my street, where I boorishly pointed out my door to her, and jokingly asked her if she was sure she didn’t want to stop by. She wasn’t impressed. I didn’t see her again. There were more dates during those years than I can remember, and most of the girls would be turned off and lose interest, when I tried to kiss them - something which I did on every first date as a matter of course. In my mind, though not in practice - to my perpetual chagrin - it was simple: accost girl, get phone number, invite out, kiss, invite back to apartment, have sex (this inane and unsophisticated simplification of romantic relations was undoubtedly derived from information emanating from the ‘PUA’ world, but, as I’ve pointed out above, only porn could leave anyone naive enough, or desperate enough, to receive such a message in the first place, and to immediately accept it as gospel truth, without question). I’m sure then, looking back, that in almost every case, the essence of what weirded all these girls out (allowing for the plethora of subjective variables which inevitably factor into any such situation), however far I’d manage to get, was the realisation, sooner or later - though usually pretty soon as a rule - that I was interested in nothing more than having sex with them, and that I didn’t appear to have anything else going on in my life.

    This obsessive focus on sex, not only harmed my attempts at re-socialising, but eventually led me to become frustrated, and my life to become shallow and empty. I began to become indignant with women in general, and nebulous misogynistic notions began to form in my mind. It was on becoming aware of this dramatic transformation; suddenly seeing the dark place to which this path was leading; that I became convinced that something was profoundly not right, and determined to abandon the seedy lifestyle which I had been leading. After several months of abstinence, and some serious reflection, the pieces began slowly to fall into place. I began to perceive for the first time that my view of women, and of the essence of social relations with them, had been deeply flawed. It became clear to me that being attractive is not a skill, but a quality; a unique, composite one, made up of the many diverse factors and parts which make up our lives, and personalities, our beliefs, and our values - of which honesty and authenticity are not unimportant members. I saw that my life was empty and going nowhere, and that my obsession with sex had deprived me of any real interests or aspirations. I began to study, and to kindle healthy new interests and aspirations; whilst simultaneously working on changing my attitudes towards women; on developing my capacity for empathy and understanding, and just plain honest fun. I no longer measure my success with women by the number of notches on my bedpost. But rather by the warm, meaningful interactions which I have, and by the quality of the human beings at the other end of them. These days I enjoy the idea of what I can contribute to a relationship just as much as that which I can get out of it for myself. I don’t even think consciously anymore about ‘success with women’. I have long since realised that such success is qualitative and cannot be measured or quantitively targeted. But surely the strangest thing in all of this, is that since I ceased to obsess, learned to focus on the human being behind the pretty face; and, since I began to form more healthy interests and aspirations; the reactions which I elicit from women are far more positive than they ever were during those obsessive years of ‘socialising’. The interactions that I am party to are much more authentic and enjoyable. I now feel an empathy as well as an attraction for the ladies that I meet, and have even on a few occasions felt the stirrings of love...

    Now it is important that I emphasise here that my basis for putting forth this conjecture is little more than a strong hunch; an intuitive gut feeling, if you will. The only evidence I have is both personal and anecdotal, and such evidence in trying to determine and isolate a specific factor in as complex and subjective a matter as that of interpersonal attractiveness/repulsiveness will always rely on some degree of speculation. Such things are qualitative, not quantitative, and cannot be scientifically measured. There are large and inconsistent personal variables involved in determining a man’s level of attractiveness and relationship value, in the eyes of any particular woman. Women themselves are all very different, and a man that may satisfy one, may be repulsive to another. Furthermore even women themselves cannot always isolate the particular issue or fault which lies at the heart of a man’s unattractiveness, often it is just an indefinable feeling that they have, or otherwise a lack thereof. My goal here is not to prove that this phenomenon exists, or that it has or does not have certain adverse effects. Such an endeavour is beyond the realm of personal experience and deduction alone, and would require large studies and samples; even then it would be difficult to conclusively succeed. I merely intend to provoke some healthy introspection, and perhaps some much needed discussion.
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2020
  2. hogus

    hogus Active Member

    This is a very good post. People have said similar things but the way you've put it all in one place and related all the different parts to each other works well. I've been thinking that rewiring isn't just learning to have sex without a screen but also learning a more relational way to have sex.
     
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Isn't it a chicken and egg kind of question though ? How do we know for sure whether porn induced the sex obsession or whether there wasn't already a potential for that sex obsession ; a potential more prominent in the future heavy porn addict then in the non porn addict ?

    How come some people steer towards binge eating or gambling while others steer towards some form of sex addiction ? Could it not be something in the person, already there as a seed, that makes such a person converge towards his excessive behavior of choice ? Can it not be argued that porn sends one into the degrees of extremities that find some kind of a mirror, already there, in the individual's psyche (this psyche having been formed either by natural constitution, earlier life imprints from the environment or as it is often believed to be ; a complex combination of both of these factors).

    Another point to consider is that there have been sex maniacs before porn existed. For example Giacomo Casanova. It's safe to say he surely had an obsession with the female form. And it's clear he did not have access to high speed internet porn !
     
  4. Loleekins

    Loleekins Nemo repente fuit turpissimus

    Had to log back in to comment on this.

    Brilliant. Well done. I applaud you, sir.

    Here is the other half of the porn conundrum laid out stunningly. Time and again I have read rebooters having issues in relationships, problems in relating to women. Time and again, as a woman, I have lived it. This succinct writing strikes at the heart of what fouls up so many well-meaning men trying to get a life back on track.

    Read his post. Read it again.
     
    LycurgusTheLawgiver likes this.
  5. Earthsnake

    Earthsnake Member

    Very well written. I read your other post as well, and I'm glad you contributed this, because this has actually put in worlds that a concept I couldn't quite figure out in how I've been struggling with in dating recently. Also the fact that you're only 25 with this amount of wisdom is damn impressive.
     
    LycurgusTheLawgiver likes this.
  6. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Great post!

    Some of your points are backed by studies. For example young teens nowadays having a tendency to practice rough sex from the get go. Coincidentally, the way sex is portrayed in porn gets more violent by the day. Furthermore, I very much recognize myself in your story. I, too, had two phases of rebooting. The first one ended miserably where I had a similar mindset such as you describe. I had to do lots of inner work in order to transcend mentally and looking back, the crisis I had was probably a much needed lesson. Which is funny, because I always thought that porn didn't affect my line of thinking at all. In my mind, I always "only" had PIED. But looking back now, being rebooted and in a relationship, a tad bit clearer on the mental side, it's so obvious to me that I had so many misconceptions. Not only about women or sex but about what I was thinking would make me happy or what I thought I would need in order to have a fulfilling (sex) life.
     

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