The revolving door.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Doper, Mar 11, 2018.

  1. Doper

    Doper Member

    5 and a half years ago I found out about PIED, from this forum. At that time I sure as shit wouldn't have believed you that by 2018 I would have cured myself of it and then went back to porn (and ed) again maybe 3 or 4 times.
    I'm not sure what I'm doing with this journal here, probably just going to ramble:

    I'm pretty certain a lot people are immune to PIED, because if everyone could get it as fast as I can there wouldn't be too many functioning dicks around. This last time I went from from pretty good (not totally cured) function to totally f'd in about 3-4 months (hour a day average). And when you stop jerking it/watching porn, your ED and morning woods (lack thereof) gets even worse. So there is a false sense that things aren't really as bad as they actually are when you are still in the habit.
    So this time I will be curing myself for good for all the obvious reasons but also this time I fully realize there is no other option. dabbling doesn't work. The speed at which I can acquire PIED was not fully realized before this last time.
    The first time I rebooted, I REALLY cured myself. These guys that talk about it taking years to fully cure yourself are right in a way. I went from aug 2012 to about march 2013 half assing it, and I had BAD ED. In that time I would relapse once a week on average but only watch porn for a few seconds and then just MO. but in that time I did get a lot better. Probably good enough. But then for reasons I won't get into(maybe later), I went about a year and a half full no arousal mode. And I sure was cured after that.
    I used to think all these guys taking about their "superpowers" from not jerkingit/porn was nonsense. And still do in the way that a week of no PMO isn't giving you shit but placebo. But there definitely is a major difference between the way you feel in general as a receptor fried edging maniac and someone who's brain is 100% cured.
    You don't notice the difference as you are getting better like you do after you've rebooted and go back to porn and LOOSE the good feeling. That's what I call it. The good feeling. The opposite being the dead inside feeling. and you don't get the dead feeling until you are quite a ways down the rabbit hole. Loosing the good feeling happens much faster. Indeed in my experience when you start loosing your good feeling, morning wood, overall erectile function. It happens very fast. Everything seems to go to hell within days or weeks after seeming fine. You notice many things that a person that has no idea about PIED or the symptoms wouldn't.

    Another thing that I would scream at the top of my lungs at anyone that is still partaking, is that depending on how bad you have let your situation get, the time it takes to get better goes up exponentially. I've noticed this a few times. Maybe 4 months ago I noticed the morning wood getting a little iffy, so I stopped watching porn with a relapse to pictures maybe once a week or two for several weeks. I rapidly got better. I found it took a couple days after relapse to regenerate the morning woods. But then I started messing around and looking at dating sites while touching myself for long periods of time, and things got really bad. I haven't watched porn, and only looked at dating sites a few times since January 28th. And my erectile function, morning woods have not gotten better in that time-frame. I've been in a total flatline since then. Whereas if I would have stopped just a couple months before that, I'm sure I would be in pretty good shape. This is an extremely important point I haven't seen mentioned.

    If this is your first time rebooting, please for your sanity's sake, just get it done and never go back, because I think people give it their all the first time around and it gets harder after the second, third etc time. Living your life in a perpetual cycle of abstinence and porn relapses is terrible, stupid, pathetic......in so many ways.
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2019
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  2. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Interesting observations. I wish you all the best for your reboot. Kick your P habit once and for all and regain sexual health.
     
  3. Doper

    Doper Member

    @pete, Thanks man you too.

    SO for accountability sake I figured an update was in order. Since my original post I have been feeling about the same, no libido. Erections in the last couple months have improved slightly in that they will stick around instead of immediately going away. But still much to be desired. But I can't complain since the last post I've PMO'd (feels gross/pathetic writing that) a couple times. But not for very long which is key. My obvious main trigger is alcohol, whether during or the next day, I don't even have to be hungover at all it just does it to me for some reason. It's a problem, just like porn, I tell myself I won't do it but I always end up drinking. I have curtailed this a huge amount. For a couple years I was drinking 8-10 drinks every day, funnily enough for much of that it was never something that made me want porn. But somewhere along the way I must have formed a habit between the two. So for a while now I have been drinking once or twice a week, which I'd be quite happy with, but when you're trying to beat PIED in any reasonable timeframe, messing up once a week is not good enough. I have lost close to 50 pounds from not drinking though. A bit more I'll be good.
    I've tried to find an alternative to alcohol, but there is just nothing that fills the void, legal or not. I don't like weed or kratom, kava does nothing, phenibut does nothing. I'm sure there's something out there but most things that actually work are damaging.
    I've been in a pretty deep caloric deficit (at the least -1000 a day) for some time to lose weight, something I've been wondering is does the low calories cause your erections to suffer? It would make sense to my layman mind because you would inevitably have nutrient deficiencies, but I can't find anything on the net about it.
    When I messed up and watched some porn today, I wasn't really feeling it much, my dick wasn't even very hard. Maybe that's a good thing. I can get and maintain a good erection just from touch, which is really the one silver lining of my current reboot situation, because everything else is in the dumps function wise. Morning wood is even worse than when I started 2 months ago, no libido, dick doesn't react to fantasy/porn and goes away quick. It's strange.
    Every day I just can't believe I put myself back in this situation, knowing that it would eventually occur, and then only stopping once I knew for sure I was already fucked. lol.
    Anyway, hope everybody else is doing good.
     
  4. Doper

    Doper Member

    I've been messing up all week, every day. More combined than the last 2 months. Just looking at pictures for the most part, average 10-15 min a day. Didn't edge. Didn't nut. But lots of fantasizing.
    Not a big deal for most people, but again, when you're trying to cure PIED, you have to be PERFECT. Or close to.
    My problem is I'm on a computer most of the day and don't see that changing in the short term
    What would help me immensely is a porn blocker that actually can't be disabled within 10 seconds. This is what I need. I used K9 a year or so ago and it definitely helped in that I find when I mess up it is an instantaneous click-on-porn situation every time, and even if I know how to disable k9, that extra few seconds it would take makes a difference and I change my mind. But I just don't understand how they make products like this that can be disabled so easy by any 10 year old that cares to try, it's just silly. It would just take such a weight off my back if I knew there was no way I was getting a hit of that sweet sweet dopamine. ;)
     
  5. Guts

    Guts Member

    Hey Doper I have a question, was 6 months the longest you went on hardmode?
     
  6. Doper

    Doper Member

    Guts - It was a long time ago so kinda fuzzy but it had to be quite a lot longer than that, probably closer to a year and a half. I wasn't counting days or thinking about rebooting so can't give a sure answer. I don't think one has to go that long though.
    I just read your thread, you're definitely on the right path, great job. I also really gauge how things are by morning wood. When you get rock hard when your getting up and it sticks around even if you've been nutting a bunch, that's when you know you're basically homefree. That and you're erections locking in place and just sticking around, and random erections in public that you don't want. lol.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2019
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  7. fappedoff

    fappedoff Member

    Just read your thread. I can relate to quite a bit of it. Especially the feeling of a revolving door. Thats how I feel about it right now in my life. Keep trying and keep failing having gone a couple of years with good streaks.
     
  8. Doper

    Doper Member

    This is how I relapse 90% of the time. This is exactly how it goes down.
    Even though I am undisturbed in front of a computer for the majority of my waking hours, without any blocking software, this is for the most part not an issue because I REALLY want to solve my problems caused by porn.
    But if I drink that all goes out the window. If I've only had a few, I'm still in control, but that only happens if "a few" is all I have access to. Even once I've had 8 or 9, which is generally when I call it quits, I'm still in control, but literally the second I've stopped drinking (after drinking THAT much), is when the trouble starts, when you realize the good feeling you get from that substance is not flowing anymore, I want to get it from somewhere else, and we all know where that is...Yes from that moment I've completely lost control and I may be doing normal things like brushing my teeth or some shit, but in my mind there are two people, one is plotting his search keywords for maximum dopamine rush, the other is saying "jesus christ man don't do that shit", but once this struggle is in motion, it's already game over.
    ...So I'll relapse, it'll be a quick 5 minute affair (because knowing the consequences has generally ruined the experience of edging even while drunk), and off to sleep, and I will say, I'll sleep like a baby....I have bad insomnia but some booze and a nut sure cures it.
    The moment I cringe to think about as I go to sleep after going through the motions I've just described, is the second I wake up, this is what I think literally the millisecond I wake up, every time, it's funny how fast it happens, I doubt I'm even 5% conscious yet...I think: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!.......And at that point my now sober mind is paralyzed by guilt at being hornswoggled by that goddamn liquid death once again. And the shame will affect my emotional state for days.
    So any logical person at this point would say, "Good sir, it sounds like you may have to curtail your imbibement"
    .....A truism if ever there were one.
    But I find alcohol even more insideous than porn, because with porn I generally need to be in an altered state of conciousness (read: tarded) to consider it.....But I don't need to be drunk to want to get drunk. Alcoholism definitely runs in my family. Over the long run I've done pretty good, going from drinking to excess every day to abstaining for weeks until I start feeling so good sober that getting drunk seems like a great fuckin idea (not sure how that works)....I was reading something a while back (wish I could find it) about how two or three weeks into sobriety your brain is in a transition period that makes it highly likely you'll relapse. After that amount of time, even though I have years of evidence to the contrary, I always seem to have delusions of grandeur that I will:
    1. Be able to stop after a few drinks (which has maybe been the case 1 time in a hundred)
    2. Because I was able to stop after a few drinks, relapsing to porn after drinking ceases will not be an issue.

    I've never been one to drink because I feel bad, I drink after I've been sober long enough to build some positive momentum in my everyday dealings, and I'm feeling good, and I think "man I'm feeling pretty good, it's a sunny day, booze would make this even better"....and so as I'm thinking this, I just so happen to also be driving by a liquor store, WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!.... So I'm like "OK man, we're just going to go in there and buy a couple tallboys, and that's it, cool? Cool." So I get in there and get my tallboys, and notice there just so happens to be a firesale on 40's of vodka.....Well, I've always been a sucker for a deal.
     
  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can relate 100% to the feelings you describe after a drinking binge. The sex urges are off the charts after.
     
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  10. Doper

    Doper Member

    So for the past couple days I've been been trying to figure out how to block porn on my computers, I'm not too technically minded so maybe what I've settled on some other dude could crack it in 5 seconds, I dunno....but this is what I've done and I think it will work for me because I don't need fort knox (though if anyone has better ideas of how to do this I'd sure as hell like to know), I just need a reasonable barrier to entry, so that I'll just give up.
    1.cleanbrowsing.com
    2. anything that cleanbrowsing doesn't catch (not much I can find, better than K9 was), or doesn't consider porn, but is a trigger for me, I block each website manually with THIS method:

    3. Then I started another standard account in windows (without admin privileges), and use that from now on, and give the admin password to someone else, so I can't reverse any of the changes I've made, now without the admin password I can't install new programs or change much, but if I need it I can get it and change what's needed and give it back....I can be trusted 99% of the time. It's a slight hassle but you know what's a bigger hassle?.......HAVING FUCKING PERPETUAL ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

    ....I realize how much of a dunce I've been for so long, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to not be using blocking tools, people say "YOU JUST NEED THE RESOLVE BROOO!!!", that's horseshit, maybe that's fine if you don't suffer PIED, but if you do, you HAVE TO BE PERFECT. I could scream this from the rooftops. You know how much time I've spent watching porn over the last year?....who knows maybe 7 hours.....that is such a miniscule amount, but the ED and mental symptoms remain the same. People say you're never back to square one after you relapse, and that's a nice feely thing to tell people so they don't binge even more, but if you go 45 days clean and then watch three or four hours of porn and nut several times over a couple days, you damn sure are basically back to square one, at least in my lengthy experience.
    My past experience with blockers has basically just been k9 (which Symantec just bought and now you can't get it anymore, fuckin pricks) and I didn't take it very seriously, I also am on my computer most of every day for work and I don't like using something that may lessen the functionality of the system......haha....ha...sigh... and I also use one of the social media platforms for this, which has porn on it, but I justified keeping that site unblocked because I KIND OF need it.....well, you know how many times I've relapsed because of that? quite a few. It is now blocked.

    I mean, I REALLY REALLY am jealous of anyone that does not need a computer to make money, if I didn't, I think I'd get rid of the damn thing, at least for several months, or just the internet if you want video games. ....Even without porn, video games, social media or anything else that is broadly thought of as quick cheap dopamine rushes, I find my brain feels like mush after being on a computer for 10+ hours..
    Well, just thought I'd jot down my NEW thoughts on porn blocking, I wish I'd gotten smart earlier. If anyone can come up with a good reason not to be blocking your access to something utterly destructive you are addicted to (when it's the most accessible, cheap addictive product ever created), I'd love to hear it because I can't think of one.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2019
  11. Doper

    Doper Member

    I think blockers also just make your life a lot less stressful, and isn't stress a main trigger for relapse. When I'm on a computer all day (without a blocker), and I've been clean for weeks, the fact that I can in seconds destroy all I've worked for in that time, keep the ED in full swing, and basically keep my life destroyed for the foreseeable future, is fuckin stressful shit. It may not be at the forefront of my mind, but it's in there. Not having access is the best way, it takes a 10000lb monkey off your back, you don't have to worry about relapsing because YOU CAN"T.....I mean, isn't that wonderful?....I sure think it is. Maybe people that only have computer access for a few hours a day or whatever because they are at work can't relate, but day in day out for years knowing within seconds you can fuckin blow your life out is a challenge.
     
  12. Doper

    Doper Member

    I don't know where this comes from, but I found it on my computer and thought it worth sharing:

    I have felt the same way not too long ago, but it went to a state that was much worse.

    After being an honors student for years, doing every extracurricular I could, all the AP courses and even going to university in the summer to get ahead, I came to a point where I failed miserably in school.

    At that point I thought I had achieved absolutely nothing in my life and that all the years I had been alive were a complete waste.

    What made it worse was when I looked around and found there was no one I could talk to about this, which spiraled me into a panic attack followed by very real suicidal thoughts.

    When I realized I was too scared to end my life I was left with only one option: changing my life.

    At that point I did not know what that would entail at all. And I would advise you to do the same.

    Whatever is happening in your life right now is simply not working. After it all, you ended up here. Fantastic (enter sarcasm here)… This is not where you wanted to be at all…

    But yet, you are here. And before I go into how to solve your situation I would like to put your awareness on what is going on right now:

    Your self-image is down the sh*tter. You talk so negatively about yourself that there is no way anyone would even give you the time of day. Look at people with depression or that are filled with anger/sadness/self-pity: no one wants to be around them.
    You think passion is something people find. This is a very common belief that some people are just permanently passionate. The truth is that absolutely no one loves what they do 24/7. We all have bad days and even Ray Kroc and Rodney Dangerfield had some times where they just didn’t feel like it was worth it.
    Yes, generally they loved it, but this was something they acquired not something they found lying on the side of the road.
    You want the easy way out. Don’t worry about this one too much as it happens to all of us. If there was an easy button we would all smack it straight away. But the truth is that you will not find a better life, something you are passionate about or happiness by sitting around complaining about it, hoping and wishing you would just wake up in it.
    I know this sucks to hear, especially when things look so bleak, but if you want your life to change you will have to change something about your life!
    “If you do what you’ve always done you get what you’ve always gotten.” - Henry Ford

    That all being said I want to first of all say that this is all manageable and is not nearly the worst thing that could happen to you.

    Let me show you how to attack all of these one at a time:

    #1: Improving your self-image.

    The way you treat yourself is the way the world will treat you too. You must only look at people that are sad or angry right now. When someone is sad we all avoid them as we do not want to be sad ourselves. This makes the sadness inside that person grow even more, proving to them that they really are unloveable.

    The same way when someone is angry they will seek a fight, be aggressive and make the others aggressive as well. This shows them that they are right to be angry at the world.

    But this also holds true when you are happy! When you smile people smile back, and when you have a great time people try to get around you as they all want a piece of whatever you have.

    The basis of this comes from two different psychological ideas:

    The self-fulfilling prophecy. Known best by the example of the bad driver. If someone believes women are bad drivers they will only remember all the bad drivers that they saw that were also women. Ignoring the male bad drivers or saying that they just “had a bad day” only so they can feel better about themselves because they were “right”.
    Seeing whatever you put your focus on. In a similar way, but a bit different, is this known concept that whatever you focus on is what you see. When you look around the room for all the red things you will not remember what was blue and vice versa. Similarly, when you look around for all the reasons the world is a fantastic place you will not see why it is bad and vice versa.

    To improve your self-image you need to attack the belief you hold of yourself. This is done by either strengthening the pathways in your brain responsible for the positive self-image or by purposefully focusing on the positive aspects of yourself.

    Here are some ways to improve your self-image:

    Repeat positive affirmations. Affirmations make you think positively about yourself, which faster neurons. This means that, from a subconscious point of view, your brain will more often chose to go the positive route than the negative one. Which in turn strengthens your belief in yourself as you will see the positive side more often.
    Writing down whatever positive thoughts you have of yourself. You have hundreds of positive and negative thoughts every day. But you tend to only remember the ones that are in correspondence with your current emotions. When you purposefully write down the positive experiences your beliefs will shift and you will find that you are worth more than you think you are.
    Look at what you can do instead of that what you can’t. Of course you will feel worthless if you only focus on what is going wrong and what you cannot change. Anyone would despair doing that. Instead look at how you can change your life, no matter how small a change that is. Everything you do will build your belief in yourself and make you hold your self-image in better regards.

    #2: Learning what Passion really is.

    Passion has gotten a bad reputation from movies, books and stories. Currently most people believe that you find something or someone you can be passionate about and then it will last forever.

    That there is some job that you are so excited for you do not mind getting up every day as soon as you find it and a person that will make your entire life like a rainbow world. And, although you can have that in your life, you will not simply stumble upon it.

    Passion starts by becoming interested and excited about something. So far so true. But after that initial burst of motivation and excitement, there will come a drop.

    This happens as soon as the effort required to make it so amazing gets closer to the perceived worth of the thing. Now, at the start of every relationship or any new hobby it is new and so, much more exciting.

    It is something new to explore and holds a lot of value. On top of that, improving something at the beginning or enjoying it takes very little value because it is all new and there is a lot of room to grow.

    But as time goes on it becomes less “new” and it becomes harder to grow. Similarly, you will have done a lot of things with the partner already.

    As the effort grows the excitement dwindles and eventually they are equal, at which point passion stops.

    If you were to keep going past this drop you would find that you get really deep into the topic (your job, hobby, etc.) or get to know the other person on an entirely different dimension. This only shows up after putting in a lot of effort, but opens up a whole new universe worth of possibilities.

    Once this point is reached passion has a near limitless potential to grow. Although there will still be days where you still feel like shit doing it and will not want to do it at all.

    Now… that’s nice and all… but what does that mean for you?

    For you, this simply means this: Pick something you like and stick with it.

    The reason all actors and musicians seem like they were so passionate about their careers 24/7 was because they invested years of their life into it. Even if they didn’t like it they will hardly remember unless it were really bad times.

    But even actors started small, had to do some shitty jobs and even musicians started by playing in dirty pubs. Sure, they may have enjoyed it, but not because of what they were doing. Instead they enjoyed it because they were getting closer to their dream life!

    You have to pick something and stick with it. Not for a week, a month, or a year. But instead doing an hour daily for at least 5 years.

    If you can do that, you will have created a passion that will last for the rest of your life.

    #3: Forgetting about the easy way out.

    This is the simplest of all changes you can make. It starts and ends with you realizing that to get an awesome life you must put in at least twice the effort you think it is worth.

    Hardly a smart idea, is what you may think, but the truth is that you are not only misjudging the effort it takes to get there, but also the feelings you get when you achieve it.

    Throughout history, everyone that has achieved their version of success says that it was worth it. Everyone who struggled to get it said it was worth it, and I know some people who struggled more than you would even wish upon your worst enemy.

    The simple truth is that you must work for it. As much as you may dislike to hear it you have to get off your a** and start doing something. Period.

    Your life will not change any other way. I mean, look at your life right now, and then take an honest look at how much work you put in. Whatever you have right now is because of the work you put in.

    And, if you want more than what you currently have then you must work harder for it.

    Yes, some people do get lucky. But before you go and blame your misfortune for it look at how much work they put in prior to their “lucky break” and then see if it really was “luck” or if they actually put in the work to deserve whatever they got. More often than not, you will find that the “lucky breaks” are long overdue for when the people got them.

    In the end you really only have two options:

    Complain about your life and waste time until the day you die, living out the life you are currently living.
    Decide that you deserve a better life than this, that there is more for you out there, and then getting off your a** and working for it.
     
  13. Doper

    Doper Member

    Almost 2 months since my last post. Unfortunately I can't say I've done spectacularly. Since sometime around then I made it 34 days then relapsed and then 22 days and relapsed about 5 or so days ago and am on day 3 today. Once I get on a roll I don't have much of a problem but as I've documented earlier in this journal, I guess I start thinking I'm infallible and think I can drink and then it all goes to hell. I don't seem to learn from mistakes, and I sure hope I start doing so, because I really don't want to be living the same life in 20 years. Or, even worse, be diagnosed with some terminal shit and die without ever having lived, for the simple fact I never learned to have control over myself and embrace discomfort.
    People quite frequently say that you shouldn't be hard on yourself when you relapse, and I see this a couple ways. People without PIED definitely should not make any fuss whatsoever about it. If I didn't have ED, and I could regularly make it 3 weeks to a month without relapsing, that's great, porn would cease to be a problem for me and I would cease to think about it. I envy these people to no end. Enter PIED, that sentiment is flipped. If you regularly can only make it 3 weeks and have one short little fap, well sir, you've completely fucked your life and your dick ain't never gonna work unless you can break out of that.

    I think knowing porn gives you ED makes your relapses even more ED-inducing. Prior to learning about PIED, I would watch porn, get hard, jerk it, nut. I'm not sure I edged much. I would enjoy it and would not feel anxiety. Though that is far removed from the experience of regular sex, it's much closer than my relapses are now. Because I know by watching porn I'm essentially destroying my chance of a better life in the future (perpetual ED), what I do now is look at some porn for a minute or so, drench my receptors in dopamine, then think "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!" and click off, of course I won't get the fuck away from the computer because I'm a child that doesn't like discomfort, then I'll click back on more porn, I will continue this exercise for a while, continuously get hard, go soft (which I think is one of the main contributors to PIED, not training yourself to stay hard for a full session).....This is essentially edging, even though you're not watching a whole lot of porn, you're slamming short bursts of high levels of dopamine at receptors over long periods.....And the icing on the cake is that this whole time I'm getting aroused by this porn, I'm also experiencing very high levels of anxiety (I believe this is also a main cause of ED, training the need for anxiety to be aroused) and I'm not really enjoying it whatsoever, how could I, I'm watching myself throw my life down the drain....
    What I've been doing has not been working, I have lots of goals and stuff to do, but most of that has me stuck in front of a computer all day, I'm really starting to loathe that, and I'm thinking internet addiction has a lot to do with P addiction. I mean, who knows, maybe being on the internet all day is as bad as porn for your brain in different ways. I've found this is something people flat out will not accept being even the remotest bit possible, I've seen people on reddit and here and elsewhere get downright aggressive to anyone that even brings this idea up, which to me signals it's even more likely.
    Either way, I think I have to radically change my life. I haven't been with a girl in several months, for the reason that nutting just sends me to flatlineville, and a bunch in a row the ED gets worse quick. So I just wanted to abstain for a long period, and kill the ED once and for all, but I have not been able to do this and it's really dragged out. And this has really dragged most facets of my life down with it.
    Ah well, I'll give it another go.
     
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