The Process

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Tyr, May 25, 2019.

  1. Tyr

    Tyr New Member

    26.May.2019

    - 23 years old.

    I discovered porn at 10 or 11 years old. In-fact, the first time I ever masturbated was to an underwear catalog at 10 years old in my bathroom. Since then, pornography and masturbation have been nothing but destructive forces in my life. I started using HISP at 14-15, shortly thereafter I developed an addiction and discovered I had PIED at 17, when a girl tried to get me off but I was completely limp, zero extra blood flow. Looking back I had PIED by myself before this event but I had never payed attention to it.

    I discovered it was PIED within a couple of months and found yourbrainrebalanced and yourbrainonporn before my 18th birthday. That is correct, from age 17 until age 23 (soon to be 24) I have been unable to quit porn. My best streak to date was at age 19 when I went 110 days no porn and 40 days no M. I remember when this forum used to be very active and everyone was listening to Fugu, Apeman and Jeff on their radio show.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
  2. Tyr

    Tyr New Member

    Symptoms: DP/DR, poor sleep (insomnia, frequent waking, waking exhausted), brainfog (feels: headache + slightly stoned), poor memory, dream recall is weak, blue/orange light flashes, visual snow, intense visual stain/afterburn, poor ability to conentrate (can't retain 1 paragraph of information), studying feels ineffective, an overall sense of wobblyness or something being 'off', sometimes feelings of impending doom (anxiety about nothing), some social anxiety, when looking to things at distance my brain takes 1-2 seconds to catch up with my eyes.

    You know, I'm probably only just now able to admit to this after years and years of trying to quit P. For the longest time I've denied 'needing' others because I've always seen it as a form of weakness. But now I'm at the point where I don't really care. So here it is I guess - My desire to use porn stems from my desire to need attention/affection/approval (whichever adjective is best, idk). When I get close to girls I used to get VERY needy, I have that mostly under control now. And I believe it all stems from my father, though he was present in the house he was little more than a piece of furnitrue. Never did lead me, never taught me anything, never learned any life lessons and he would sometimes manage to put me down for trying to better myself in really odd passive-aggressive ways. In some ways I make him pay for it now, he tries to contact me now and then, I give him very little and I very very rarely initiate contact. I just want to let the relationship die - there is no recovering it. He is set in his ways and I'd rather we just stopped communicating entirely. So that's the void I've been trying to fill this whole time with porn and whatever other bullshit - I just wanted a father figure and someone to bond with. But, nothing in life is guaranteed. The best I can do is craft myself into the Man I wanted as a father and be that Man for some day if I have my own children. I just need to learn that when that void appears, recognize why I feel that emptiness or need for attention/affection/approval, meditate on it and realize it doesn't really have power over me beyond a nagging empty feeling now and again - there is no need to use porn. Porn will not fill this void, probably the best I can do is simply observe it and investigate it. Learn how to use it to my advantage.
    In other news I had a very sexual dream last night. I was in my old room and I was with two foreign girls from Eastern Europe and they were trying to get me off. It was 1st person and real but they were p-style type girls. I didn't have a wet dream - in my dream I actually stopped myself from Oing willfully, and I've woken up with a fair amount of energy and I've been incredibly worked up all day. I was standing in class earlier next to a girl and I started producing pre-cum (there's sexual tension between us).

    That is one strange thing about me.. I produce precum when near/with girls but not with porn. But I'll get 50-90% hard with porn but 10-50% hard with girls..?


    Currently day 3 hardmode. Typing all of this from my University library with people walking all around me hah. Good thing I'm on my phones wifi.
     
  3. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    I've had the same realization some time ago. Just like you, I thought of needing others as a weakness. "I don't need anybody. I can solve shit by myself". But it did seep through the Porn I watched that it really was something deeper desire just to have some attention/affection from girls. All kind of POV shit. I later went into cam-sites to make it even more personal.
    We should learn to live with that empty feeling and observe it as it is like you said. But I also think we should work on actually trying to get some attention from girls to ultimately get rid of this feeling.

    Do you plan on asking the girl out? Or wait for it further in the reboot. When most of the annoying symptoms are gone.
     
  4. Tyr

    Tyr New Member

    Hey Mekkeren, thanks for dropping by.

    Yes, 'All kinds of POV shit' - me too man. I was always wanting girls to hold eye contact with the screen and hear them talk (synthetically with me). And you're right, there is a genuine need for some level of attention and there is also an element of one should be able to cope and observe these thoughts by themselves.

    The thing I find so strange about quitting porn is that in order to recover we don't actually have to do anything.. In the sense that our brains would heal perfectly simply by not engaging with it. It's not as though we have a mountain to struggle against (besides life's problems) and then upon reaching the summit we're suddenly recovered. It's more like simply releasing a treasured childhood toy in a creeping river and watching it float away.. The more we think about it the more likely we are going to suffer if we chase it down stream. All that is required for full recovery, is to watch it float away.

    I don't intend on asking the girl out, no. Just the other day she asked if I was single and I told her I wasn't looking for anything until after exams (end of June), she does want more that what we currently are (classmates with tension). I really want to avoid orgasm and sexual activity for some time, I feel like my brain does need it. But I will consider talking to her about hanging out more i.e watching a movie now and then together on a couch or something. Problem is she seems to sway toward drama, I 100% live a drama free life without exception. And in this day and age it seems like such a strange thing for a guy to essentially ask for someone to hug with for an hour or two, but whatever I believe it would be ideal for where I'm at right now.

    So I'm still slightly drunk.. Non-sober thoughts incoming..

    I'm in my home town for the weekend. I've just arrived home from my friends house-warming party. It's the 3rd time I've drunk alcohol since February. The less I drink the less I want to drink. There's really nothing in it for me, I hate wasting time and beyond the arguable time-waster of a party, tomorrow is going to be a write-off. Sure it's can be good to catch up with old friends but we mostly just talk about the past, which is fine - but the past is where I developed all of my bad habits. I need to be around people that make me uncomfortable, nervous that I'm not keeping up - I want to be talking about the future and grand plans with friends, not some funny dumb shit we did as teenager. Drinking is not good for my general health, it prevents recovery of my gym-work and injuries, if I have too much to drink my anxiety increases severely the following day. I don't like being around sweaty, yelling, drunk people and I hate cigarette smoke. If I'm going to drink I'd much rather sit in a room with a few good friends and talk over quiet music. Okay then plenty of reasons not to drink here.. that's me for the year, no more alcohol. I also just realized where now in June, perfect opportunity for a porn-free month.

    While I was at the party there was a girl I met, I mean I really only went out of my way to meet her because I was 10% horny. I could've easily stayed and escalated, but I didn't want to O. When I left she looked quite confused and asked me to stay but I just had to get out of there.. Hungry animals are driven and I have exams in two weeks to work for.

    EDIT: I've been listening to more 'red pill' content lately. There is some bullshit, but there are also some valuable gems and bitter truths to be heard. Consuming the content has definitely improved my results with Females. But I find some of the guys in the red pill community to be just outright nasty towards Women - which is very ironic for guys who claim to have truly 'swallowed the red pill'. This is a good, rational podcast I've just come across:

     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2019
  5. Tyr

    Tyr New Member

    Weekend update.

    I PMO'd two days ago, after going 7-8 days without any intentional arousal. So as it stands: Last P use and/or M was on the 6th June 2019.

    I have exams starting in 5 days, the difference between being 7-8 days free and 1 day free in abilities of concentration or memory is stark. There is 1 of 4 courses I have concern for passing, which I need to pass in order to progress. Either way, I'll have 3-4 weeks off before the next semester (Uni year runs Feb-Nov in the Southern hemisphere) in which I'll do a ton of study for in-case I fail. If I do fail, hopefully my 3-4 weeks of extra study may allow me to beg my way into the continuation course. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

    Regardless, it's my own fault. It's a true statement to say: If I had not PMO'd once this year, without a doubt in my mind I would have flown through this course with ease. That's a statement of both time (less PMO time = more time for study) and symptom related (brainfog, memory etc.).

    I have been meditating more recently, it's definitely improving my brain fog.

    There's a girl who I've been talking to more. I don't think I want it to go anywhere.. I just can't, not while I'm still so entrenched in this addiction. I have to have at-least 3 months under my belt before engaging with anyone, it's an arbitrary number. Simply for the fact of 'feeling clean' and having my confidence in my self-control, the idea of PMOing while having a partner is simply pathetic in my mind and I will not allow it. I would rather have NO partner than be with someone and simultaneously be unable to control my actions of self masturbation. I've never been caught Ming, but just picture your girl walking in on you while you watch some other girl getting fucked on a screen - that twists my mind, no way, ever.

    Also. All I know how to even think about with Women is getting off, nothing more. Is that really so different to PMO? I don't inherently have a problem with one-off flings. But for me I'd be engaging with Women just to fill a void.. A void that will never be filled, a void that CAN NEVER be filled.. It can only be collapsed from the inside, which will occur in time by starving it - the trick being to simply observe it when it screams rather than feeding it (hungry ghosts). And if I were to involve myself with a Women right now I'd only be feeding that ghost.

    I need to focus my efforts on Self Discipline. That is, following my morning and night routine, not wasting time and making sure I attend the actions which drive me toward my goals. Doing these things without exception. Porn, drugs or women have no place in that picture for now.

    I'm going to quit coffee permanently after exams (18th). I think it definitely can increase brain fog even in low doses. I'd rather not deal with coffee withdrawals during exam period. I don't believe it's conducive to efforts of healing the reward system, at best it's neutral and does nothing, but that's a major assumption I can do without. I've seen a few other long term rebooters report feeling much better after quitting caffeine (I do realize I'm semi conflating coffee/caffeine here). I think it's a generally true statement that our brains are more sensitive when dealing with recovery.. Hangovers are worse, we're more sensitive to sleep deprivation, drug effects seem amplified, negative mental affects are more amplified etc.

    I am feeling some urges, it's currently 9.30am. Off to the library for the day.

    EDIT:

    As part of being more accountable and disciplined, from now each weekend I'll report on my 'week-averages' for my daily report eg. average times for: meditation, out of bed, study, etc.

    There is no easy way, life is hard, we have to be harder.

    What gets measured, gets accomplished
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2019
  6. Tyr

    Tyr New Member

    New day tomorrow.

    A new way tomorrow.
     
  7. Big Lebowski

    Big Lebowski Member

    Hello mate I see your post in cyd's journal. I remember your universal username.

    I was like you a few years back. I struggled with quitting for 5 years. At the start I had symptoms and relapsed and relapsed digging myself even further with symptoms. You will not get better unless you completely stop with the porn. Recovery can be quite long as well. I'm nearing 20.5 months and still in a flatline with minor symptoms but a whole lot better than I was at the start and years before. I was in a flatline back when I signed up here in early 2013 so I'm an extreme case. But time does help heal you.
     
  8. Tyr

    Tyr New Member

    Hey friend, thanks for dropping a post.

    I do remember your username also. 20.5 months, excellent work - a question, did you also stop M and O for awhile? Do you have a journal, I quickly scanned your posts but couldn't find one. And yes, I am 100% on board with knowing I must stop without exception - laziness and excuses have been preventing me from getting anywhere. I am nearly certain I will be a long case also, I'm expecting 2 years of no P, M to heal - I think I'm really going to need 1 full year of hardmode and another year of rewiring while limiting O.


    Time for a quick update,

    As it stands today is day 7 hardmode. I peeked last night for <2 minutes after seeing a trigger online, besides that I've been entirely clean for 1 week now. I realize technically my hardmode streak ended with that peak, but telling myself I'm 7 days in is what I need to do to maintain my spirits for the time being, this figure can be re-adjusted at a later date. My 'libido' has shot through the roof the past two days and my post-PMO headaches are now gone.

    I had a flash of insight the other day, I was thinking about finding a girl to have as friends w/benefits. Then I realized how incredibly stupid I am to even consider this given the following: I've been sexually active basically everyday since age 10-11 until 18 when I discovered YBOP, and for 5 fucking years I've been pissing my life away through reboot and relapse cycles. 12 years of filling my brain with rot and growing ever-more weak. I can't just go without it for 2 years? 2 years from now I'll be 25, plenty of time for women from 25 onwards. I'm convinced I need to do a long run of hardmode and yet I still want to find some girl who couldn't give a shit about me to simply blow loads. Is some random girl who doesn't know a thing about me, about my struggles, the pain I've endured and the things I've done in my life really worth risking my mental health, my physical health, my well-being as an entity? Just so I can feel a pseudo-synthetic rush for an hour a week while I'm essentially chasing my old porn highs? Never. No-way, no-how never.

    Today is the day after my final of 4 exams. My first semester at University ever has come to an end, overall I'm not happy with my effort/grades. But in the interest of not being too harsh on myself and causing stress, I'll be fair for a moment. Going into full time study after 5 years of working construction jobs and a head full of PMO/rebooting crap I'm not doing too badly. I can only imagine how my performance would've been if I had given myself the chance to be 1 year free of PMO. My cognitive abilities are a joke compared to what I know they could be - brainfog, horrible memory and ADHD-like concentration and yet I still managed to get some better grades than my peers, simply through a bit more discipline. Marginal shift in effort, exponential results.

    I'm taking today off from work/study. One day and then back into it. I have 4 weeks before the next semester ends and if I don't have a plan for these 4 weeks I'll end up staying at my flat alone everyday and end up PMOing and telling myself "I'll be 4, 3, 2, 1 week(s) clean before the new semester beings". This has to end now, I'm over the 5-7 hump of post-PMO despair. Today I will make myself a Godzilla-tier list of things to do for these next 4 weeks so I have zero excuses for being 'bored'.

    I will be reporting at the end of each week from now with updates on averages from my daily report.

    Life is a process, not a journey - as is recovery.
     
  9. Tyr

    Tyr New Member

    Day 8 hardmode,

    Starting to feel the initial momentum of not having my head buried in mud from PMO.

    I was going out this weekend, but I remembered what I said about no alcohol for the rest of the year so I canceled my plans. I will make other plans more align with my goals.

    Ran out of coffee beans this morning, GOOD. Time to quit caffeine entirely - save if I go for lunch with someone - I believe it can have more negative effects than we think, especially for those of us with dopamine related addiction and anxiety.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  10. Tyr

    Tyr New Member

    I found other plans for the weekend.

    I'm going on a hike with a girl. Talk about a 'red pilling' moment - the girl is older than me by a few years, she has a boyfriend of a few years who I believe is 30 (I'm 23). She grew up on a farm, is highly educated, doesn't drink alcohol and meets all of those fairy tale 'great loyal gal' traits. Yet she is going on a 2 day trip alone with some random guy (me) who she's known for a few months. What's funny is that if I had met her on accident and she was single I likely would have looked at these traits and would've let my guard down slightly and thought "Man, maybe there is hope to finding a loyal girl" - wrong. Also, I would never get serious with a girl who's older than I.

    Naturally at this point in reading you may be thinking that she probably just see's me as a friend or something (irrelevant, only a chump would date a girl knowing she would do this). Fact of the matter is that she's made a few too many jokes about giving me head and wanting me to choke her, for me to believe she just "see's me as a friend". Now, with that being said, should the opportunity arise tomorrow - and it probably will - I'm going to actively disengage from the situation. I probably shouldn't have agreed to this in the first place and just gone for a hike by myself, too bad, you live and learn.

    23 days left of break before the new semester begins. Here is my to do list:

    - Clean room/car/sort documents etc. DONE
    - Create new physical training program DONE
    - Create study schedule for next semester
    - Make a small electronics project
    - Complete 2 books I have for python (coding)
    - Read 'Release your brakes' by James Newman
    - Hike 1
    - Hike 2, by myself
    - (Possible) Hike 3 with friends
    - Future Authoring program, define new goals for the rest of the year
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2019 at 4:51 PM
    Mekkeren likes this.

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