The path to a better man. My Journal.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Build a rocket boys, Dec 4, 2014.

  1. My day is going good so far. I have followed the plan.

    It occurred to me just now that by choosing not to watch porn I am exercising my right of freedom. If choosing how to act or react is the only true freedom we can ever have then every time I choose to avoid porn I become a little bit more free.

    It is like Victor Frankl said in 'Man's search for Meaning' - Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
    Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/v/viktor_e_frankl.html#iFri40IEcRGwrhbc.99

    I don't for one minute mean to compare being a locked in a concentration with giving up porn. Of course quitting porn is far harder than being starved, beaten and gassed to death *. But I certainly feel that each time I choose not to watch porn I feel a twinge of empowerment, my morale goes up, I feel more of a man.

    * For American readers I will stress - this is a joke.
     
    chrism likes this.
  2. Had sex with my wife last night and it was incredible!

    It was just pure passion. Nothing like porn sex, I didn't even see her body as we were in hiding from the cold under the duvet. But, it was so good compared to sex when I am using porn a lot. When using porn I tend to just want to see my dick in pussy. This sex was all about a connection between us.

    I did notice that porn thoughts kept entering my head but I was pushing them out. The fact they are there shows I have a long way to go.

    Today my Lift counter said I have been porn free for 21 out of the last 45 days. That is a huge improvement for me as I was a daily use guy so I am happy.
     
  3. Well last night I got really angry with negative thoughts swimming around my head. I was feeling fine until my drive home when I drove past a couple of girls with great butts.
    I was staring and fantasising big time.
    Then I felt really angry.
    Not sure what that is all about?

    But I went to the gym, did some heavy deadlifts and felt great after. I think I worked out the anger.
     
  4. Today is hard for some reason. I actually just looked at bikinis on eBay to get some kind of cheap thrill! Desperate or what!!? Hahaha

    I get lonely in my office. I have my own office but would prefer to be in with others, I procrastinate a lot when I'm alone..
     
  5. Ahhhhhhh tax return day! Getting pretty pissed off hanging on the phone trying to get some help on my tax return and the the urge to look at some porn is strong. So I thought I'd come here to write instead...

    Gonna browse the forums while I wait... been on hold 32minutes already :mad:
     
  6. Hell yeah, 9 days and I feel great! Usually flatline around day 10 so am preparing myself for it.

    This morning I have been reflecting on the fact that if I quit for ever I will never see another naked woman other than my wife. That makes me feel a bit sad and also seems like an impossible task. At the moment I am very much taking it one day at a time but thinking long term raises interesting feelings of loss
     
  7. Last night I dreamt relapsed. I mean, I actually went through the whole process of edging, bikini shots, clicking on ads and finally on to porn and orgasm. It was very vivid. I woke up feeling disappointed just like if it had actually happened.

    It's kind of a good reminder that I will feel crap if I relapse.
     
  8. So last night I MO'd. It's fine as i already decided i was ok with mo'ing occasionally. But I still feel a little disappointed.... I just could not sleep. I started to feel that I would do anything to get to sleep and that is what I did. All to my imagination though
     
  9. Aaaaaand boom I'm back again.

    2.5 years after my last posts on here. I have to confess that I have made zero progress since that time. I have gone through stages of denial, binges, periods of sobriety, then some more denial, then binges and on and on.

    The reason I have come back is that I have been trying to tackle this thing on my own (no real success btw) and as part of that I was writing a journal of my thoughts and struggles etc. Well, big fuck up was my wife read it 2 days ago. Yes, that's right. My wife. read. my journal. everything. she knows my struggle. Fuck.

    So I came home last night after being away on business to find her a bit cold and she said that we needed to talk once the kids had gone to bed. It felt serious and I'm thinking to myself "she's been having an affair, she's got someone else, she's leaving me". Not totally unreasonable as we have been having problems. But no, she tells me she read my journal. I had left it on the kitchen table for two days (what the fuck was I thinking?) so she just idle opened it and clearly some key words jumped out at her and she read on.

    She was really upset. Mostly because I had written that some "things I have done are probably illegal and I could lose my kids if caught". She says her mind had been in overdrive thinking of what the hell I had been looking at and I can understand that reading it could have led her to a horrible conclusion. You all know what she thought. But, it was nothing like that at all. The activities I was writing about were the odd time when I have stupidly watched porn and jerked off in my car. I spend a lot of time in my car for work. My mate is a copper and he told me once about a guy he had to arrest for doing just that, I laughed along with him at the story at the time while thinking to myself 'shit shit shit shit'.

    Anyway, I cleared that up for her and then she was obviously still very upset, as was I. The incredible thing which I did not expect is that she says she loves me and wants to help. She didn't judge. She isn't bothered that it is porn as she said she has no moral issue with it. Her only concern and sadness was that she feels sad I am using something to fill an emptiness inside me because deep down I am unhappy. That made her sad. She is right. I use it like a drug to escape loneliness, boredom, fear and it really has little to do with feeling horny most of the time.

    So today I feel like the luckiest man alive. My wife is amazing and really seems to love me deeply and want to help me get over this thing. I feel like I have dodged a bullet.

    I have also realised lately that I can't do it on my own and I need support and help from others on the same path. I see quite clearly now that trying to get my own brain to work out how to quit this is never going to work since it is my own brain that keeps making me do it again and again. Clearly my own brain has no idea how to stop and maybe can't even be trusted to want to stop.
     
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    That might have been a very happy find of hers for all involved. :3
     
  11. I think you may be right. It felt terrible but the result is actually positive.

    Wife spoke with one of her good friends who is an alcoholic in recovery and that seemed to help her even more. The friend apparently understood my situation, didn't judge, wasn't shocked, and explained that she knows AA members who have got addicted to porn once the alcohol has gone. She has also offered to put me in touch with a guy she knows who is a former sex addict.

    So all good I guess. Scary but good.

    I've also contacted SA locally and plan on attending next week.

    For me I suppose the porn is one part of a wider sexual behaviour problem I have. The more I learn about it the more I realise that the root causes run deep and sadly no amount of white knuckle willpower is going to get me through this.
     
  12. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    I use it like a drug to escape loneliness, boredom, fear and it really has little to do with feeling horny most of the time.

    This sentence is so true
     
    Build a rocket boys likes this.
  13. I feel that things are happening. I have been messaging wife's friend who is alcoholic in recovery about my struggles and to my complete surprise and joy she totally gets it. She hasn't judged or recoiled at all at what I have said. I know she has a checkered past as a former drug and alcohol addict, my wife has said that there is a history of being a sex worker at some point and living in proper drug dens. She is lovely now. Incredible how she has moved past it to be honest. Nowadays you would never know she has that kind of past, apart from the tattoos and mohican hair which may give you an idea she has a bit of wild side!

    I have agreed to meet her this week for a chat about what is going on in my life. I'm hopeful this will be a good meeting, it will certainly be the first time ever that I've spoken openly to a friend about my struggle. So I am nervous about it as well. I trust her when she says that whatever I say will stay between us and will not get back to my wife or anyone else.

    Today I really really really wanted to drive past the university to scope out the girls as I was going that way anyway but I had a choice of routes. I have this strange habit of wanting to get myself really triggered before jerking it to porn. Weirdly I found myself praying to god for strength and it seemed to help as I took the safe route. I say weirdly because I am not religious at all and have never prayed to anyone or anything, it just kind of happened while I was sat in traffic. I did quite like doing it though and if it helps me then fuck it, I'll do it. In my younger days I was a bit of a militant atheist twat, these days I think that attitude was wrong and really kind of pointless. My view now is that life is tough for everyone occasionally and people are welcome to do whatever helps them be a better person.
     
  14. socialite189

    socialite189 Member

    Perhaps one day you will realize that your wife's involvement is actually a blessing. If you (heaven forbid) broke a bone - you would expect support from your family. Same with depression, same with this. I do personally consider addiction as much of a mental health issue as any mental condition considered abnormal by our society. The journey can be easy or difficult, but having a support group certainly makes the outcome more likely to be what you want it to be. A huge part of it for me was realizing how bad things are and what my personal triggers are. But it can (and will) be done (if you want it badly enough).

    My wife was very supportive of me undergoing this journey, but actually I am doing it for me and so far, I am happy with the results (granted I don't think my war has been won yet, but certain battles have been). It also has taken me years to get on the journey. But I can tell you that this year, I have only relapsed 6 times. And am currently on my 73rd day of staying clean (my record is 119 days). I also know that it is something that I have to pay attention to any time my triggers set in, for instance, I completely avoid porn as that's how things start spiraling down for me. Yes, I find that it does get easier after so many days, but I am also aware that (unfortunately) there will always be a chance of another relapse. Just keep coming back to the right path, that's what it is ultimately all about.

    Wishing you success on your journey, it'll be truly worthwhile.
     
    Build a rocket boys likes this.
  15. Thanks Socialite189. I'm struggling today... it is day 6 with no porn or masturbation or sex and I am horny. Which is actually kind of nice since so often I act out so regularly I never even get horny.
     
  16. socialite189

    socialite189 Member

    Of course you are horny, but you are also in control of your actions. If you are hungry you can get some food, but you can also resist and just fast, simply because you choose to do so. The hardest part for me was realizing that we are ultimately in control. Because we are. If someone was to say "I will give you $1,000,000 if you don't M for a year - would you be able to refrain from it? The reward (external or internal) is a an important motivator... do you know what are your 'carrots & sticks'? Do you have time to focus on your personal growth/development and not worry about M? One mental strategy I was using was telling myself that M is for losers of which I used to be one. Now that I was in the process of making myself a better person, it no longer fits part of my definition of who I am.

    Lastly, sometimes when I get into a rut, I watch online motivational videos (I have a Safe Search filter on and it helps to keep all the inappropriate stuff hidden). Watching those videos often time reminds me what I can be. Just remember that everyone is struggling. The issues are different, but the struggle continues. That's the beauty of life, that we are always going to have struggles, but that's how we develop and become better people.

    Let us know how it goes with the friend.
     

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