The path to a better man. My Journal.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Build a rocket boys, Dec 4, 2014.

  1. So here I am back here again. My last login was December 2013 and at that point I was busy wanking away my business.

    The business failed. I could have saved it but it is hard to do when spending 4 hours a day dick in hand, exhausted and depressed.

    Anyway that was then, this is now.

    I have chosen to keep a journal to help me through the initial pain of quitting. In October I did Tim ferris nobnom challenge which was 30 days no booze, no masturbation. I didn't t succeed but I did manage to not masturbate for 22 out of the 30 days which was a record for me. My longest streak was 15 days.

    That felt really really good. And I was amazed that it was the catalyst for other changes during the month. I actually took a course related to a new business venture.

    Unfortunately for the last month I have relapsed and gone back to it. The last five days I have managed to avoid all porn and so that feels good.

    My goal is to quit for good. My reasons are many:
    I want more time for constructive things.
    My month nearly clean and subsequent relapse showed me that wife is less into me when I am pmo
    Many many years of porn have led me to carry out disturbing voyeuristic behaviours in real life.
    I have a son and I want to be the best man and role model I can be.

    I am 33 now and have always looked at porn since finding my dad's mags when I was 12 ish. My problems got a little bit mental in my early 20's while at uni. I didn't have a computer, they weren't that common back then, but I would look at porn in the more secluded computer rooms on campus. This is where the voyeur/exhibition behaviour started because sometimes I would be going at it to some porn when a girl would be sat nearby. This was way more exciting and the dopamine rush was insane. Once I had crossed that line I found it very hard to stop and it didn't take long until I would choose the computer rooms with girls in. I have noticed over the years though that the less I jerk to porn the less I engage in risky behaviour. P is definately the gateway drug for me. At times when single I would use p endlessly telling myself that it was better that the voyeur stuff, but now I see that it just made the cravings even stronger.

    All this behaviour makes feel incredibly sad, guilty, lonely and I really hate myself after it. I am not proud of any of it. It is so bad for my well being and I have no doubt that it has contributed to my episode of sever clinical depression suffered 3 years ago.

    I am married with a son and another child on the way. Doing the nobnom challenge was great as it allowed me to talk to wife about porn use for the first time. I haven't told her I have a problem but I have discussed the issues and put a porn block on our router, which I couldn't have done before without her wondering why.

    This has become a bit of an essay but it feels good to clarify my thoughts. This is my journal. I am on day 6 no porn today and I needed to 'talk' with others about this as today has been really tough so far.
     
  2. Day 7 of my journey.

    I feel very positive today. This morning I got up at 5:30am and meditated for 20 minutes then planned my day in my paper hardback journal. I have never got up and done that before but I was inspired after hearing a podcast called about 'The Morning Miracle' book. I had a whole hour just to think about my goals which, as a father of a young kid, felt pretty luxurious to be honest.

    Also yesterday afternoon I spent 2 hours reading the stories of ex. p-stars on pinkcross.org. They are really awful and I felt ashamed that I have enjoyed watching that stuff happen to girls. Content of pinkcross.org could be triggering for some - be careful.

    I love how not wanking to porn for a while makes me so much more open to seeing my wife's beauty. This morning I found myself just watching her, feeling a twitch in my dick, and wanting her. That feels great and is a major motivation for completing this process.

    I want to set a goal for no porn so here goes.

    No porn, no lingerie ads, no bikini shots, no page 3 girls for 100 days.
    I am allowed to masturbate but only when I really have to and only concentrating on the feelings.

    Last time when I got to fifteen days I stopped because after about 10 days I experienced a faltline that frankly was pretty horrible. This time, I know it is coming and so I am prepared to battle through it.
     
  3. Invictus76

    Invictus76 New Member

    Good luck with your goals. Do you have any problems at all with low libido and erections?
     
  4. No ED or Libido issues at all. On my last 15 day streak I did hit a bit of a flatline when my dick felt pretty lifeless.

    Day 10 today!! Woop woop!!

    And I have to say that I have it fairly easy so far. I have been trying to quit for about 4 years so finding it easier this time is a bit of a relief. 2 things have really helped me:

    - I have downloaded Gary Wilsons book onto my kindle and read the whole lot once and no I am reading it again each night. Knowledge is power when it comes to addiction.
    - I also let myself masturbate rather than going totally cold turkey, no porn or any kind of pics obviously. I have tried quitting it all before but since I don't have any ED issues I decided that some masturbation is ok. So far in ten days I have only masturbated twice and both of those times it lasted about 2 minutes and all I though about was the feeling. After each time the urge for porn was totally gone.

    Other things I am doing are meditation, loads of gym time, Krav Maga and I am starting another business. Exciting stuff. Porn is shite compared to real life.

    Sex with my wife was unbelievable this weekend.
     
  5. So this is getting much more difficult now.

    I went to the gym on wednesday night and whilst stretching at the end of my session 2 girls in tight lycra walked in and started bending over in front of me. Looking back I should have just left that room and gone somewhere else but instead I stayed and let my gaze linger a bit too long. The images have literally been flying around my brain since then and I have such a craving to look for lycra/gym porn. I've always been a gym rat so those scenes have always featured in my porn use.

    I've had sex with my wife twice this week and am concerned that I am experiencing a faltline again. Last sunday the sex was amazing and my erection was really solid, this week the feeling isn't great and my erection is much weaker.

    I had a weird experience during one sex session when I actually HAD to picture us in the third person, like in a porno, just to keep my erection. It felt rubbish.

    So today I feel like I am going to need to white knuckle it and just hold on - anyone know how long the flatline lasts in someone who has never had PIED?
     
  6. Fuckng bollocks. I just relapsed.

    All the way through I kept thinking 'stop now, stop now, stop now' but i just couldn't. As soon as I finished and I mean the milisecond I O'd I regretted it big time.

    :( :mad:

    Part of the reason is the fear of flatline, part of it is that I just don't have much work at the moment. So feeling pretty bored...
     
  7. Keebler

    Keebler Guest

    Don't beat yourself up to bad. You have to get up and try harder. Figure out what went wrong and make the neccessary changes.
     
  8. Thinking about it now, I can see my relapse all went wrong when I started browsing around on facebook for no reason.... pretty soon it led to clicking on girls pics and ba ba boom i was deep in the rabbit hole.

    Maybe i should quit fb for a while?

    I've blocked images on my browser now.
     
  9. persistent_rebooter

    persistent_rebooter New Member

    Relapse is part of the process for most people.

    I relapsed multiple times and it all started with boredom (lazy Sundays).

    It's ridiculous how you go from feeling in total control (while looking at pics) to PMO'ing.

    Don't let this relapse discourage you. You should just focus on avoiding the chaser effect and binging. I recommend going out with friends or something like (anything that would keep you away from your computer/phone).

    Best wishes :)
     
  10. So good news...I managed to get past the chaser affect without incident and am now on day 7 without looking at any porn or masturbating.

    To be honest I think this has been easier due to the flatline feeling I have. even though I did relapse my pecker just isn't really responding to much. Yesterday I went for pee and saw that I had a serious amount of really sticky precum stuck there. It seemed wierd because my sexual thoughts have been so minimal, I guess my body is adjusting down from cumming twice a day to 0times this week.

    I have been super productive with work this week. Not sure if that is related? But I have impressed myself by managing to work late at night on the computer without looking at porn.

    And thanks Persistent_rebooter - that feeling of total loss of control was exactly what happened last week. All the way through the relapse I kept thinking "I should stop" but I couldn't break away. It is so weird that once I start I cannot stop until I have cum. Sometimes during my worst times that would be 2-3 hours of near constant masturbation just searching for that one picture to tip me over the edge. I used to prefer pictures purely for this reason, the lower stimulation they gave me was better as it allowed my brain to bathe in dopamine for hours. Now I understand the brains mechanism I shudder just thinking about what I was doing to it... a dopamine wash for three hours is so bad.
     
  11. BryanHoward

    BryanHoward Keep your hands where I can see them

    Lol "bathing in dopamine" - I can relate. Congrats on breaking the first, and I believe the worst, challenge, the first week. Stay focussed on your goal and take success VERY seriously.
     
  12. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    Good going for your 10 days! This looks solid. Keep a record of your mood and feelings throughout the next few days. From what you said in your first post, I do not think you've entered your flatline just yet. If in 30 days you went 22 days and then M'd, then you should think of passing this stage first, as it is likely that as it comes round again, you may be feeling some urges. This is where you stand by your resolution to keep pushing for your objectives. It is very possible that beyond this "hump" awaits a long flatline. But don't worry too much about it; just focus on the things you need to achieve in your professional/personal life. That should keep you plenty busy!
     
  13. lozoo

    lozoo New Member

    the dopamine wash! haha at least we can laugh about it.

    keep going! you, me and everyone together.

    lozoo
     
  14. Soooo all was going well until Christmas Day. After spending the whole day drinking and eating like usual I found myself alone at 11pm when everyone had gone to bed and slipped up.

    This slip was followed by another the next day but then a I managed another week with pmo. So far this year it has not been good... I am going to reset the counter from today.

    I feel a bit depressed at the moment - maybe it is the new year, the dark, going back to work after two weeks off, lack of money after christmas I can't put my figure on it but generally just feeling low. Nothing serious, just generally a bit down. It is funny that when I am feeling low my craving for porn is soooo strong. Actually last night I found myself thinking "I must look at porn or I will never ever be happy again" hahahaha wtf? But that was genuinely how I felt. The only thought in my mind was of blonde girls in certain positions and how just seeing that would make the sadness go away. I looked and I can safely say that it did not help in the slightest, well the 30mins I was looking was an escape but then instantly after I was back in the same place. Sat in my lounge, pants round my ankles, furiously cleaning up as my wife's car pulled into the drive.

    Very sad really.

    So today is day 1 again. The cravings are strong today so wish me luck!
     
  15. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    Sometimes the holidays can act as a great destabilizer. Welcome the new year as an opportunity to focus once more on your life objectives, which among them is fighting PMO addiction. Stumbles happen. So take valuable lessons from your falls; that will help you prevent similar relapses. The more you learn, the better prepared you'll be to encounter the challenges. Feeling down is a by-product of you not wanting to be caught in this cycle forever. Don't be afraid to be ambitious and believe that you can beat this thing this year. As long as there is will.
     
  16. Thanks Mendoza - I really like your words. "Don't be afraid to be ambitious" I like that a lot.
     
  17. Soooo I've started taking 5-HTP again. It ran out about a week before christmas and my first relapse but I felt great so didn't get anymore.

    But, I have slowly felt worse, been PMO'ing loads, but mostly I was concerned that I could be slipping into a depression again. (I have a history of clinical depression).

    Started the 5-HTP again two days ago and already the urge to PMO is far far less. Mentally I do feel some improvement but just a little so far.
     
  18. So I've been a right miserable twat lately. Life has got me down and I've responded in the time honoured fashion of jerking away the misery.

    But no more. Today I came to that point where I am once again committed to quitting.

    Tonight I have been to my martial arts class which fucking rocks and always leaves me feeling excited to be alive. Tomorrow, I have a good days work planned.

    I am positive and I don't watch pornography.
     
  19. My counter is wrong but I am only using my phone since I don't want to use laptop alone in the evenings. It should read 1.
     
  20. Just posting to set myself up for a porn free day. I don't watch porn.

    Today I am driving near to an area that is full of triggers for me. I will not go to that area.

    My plan is to go do my work, then drive the hell away from the triggers.

    I also have some computer work to do in the afternoon which I will do in a cafe. McWork in McCafe probably.

    I'll check in to this again tonight.
     

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