The Old Tale -- This time with a different ending!!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TheNewBorn, May 4, 2013.

  1. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Thanks Apeman! :D

    Past the first week ( Finally ! )

    This weekend i went to a seminar in a nearby town. It was a two days thing with classes all day long, but in a nice location and with many people. It was a great way to unplug, since it was all about what i like most, studying and learning and science. But really it was a great way of social interaction: many people there, some of which i had never met, and it was nice to talk to them and engage in social activities, some flirting. I almost only talked to girls, as there were may. And i put into practice my idea from last post: each conversation i tried to say just whatever i had in my mind, and see how people answered. It was harder in the beginning, when i still had some trouble and was a bit shy, but by the end it went much better. I engaged in a half an hour conversation about quantum mechanics with a girl, and she ended up offering me a drink :)

    SMILE :D

    There was a girl at this seminar, who i had met previously but never interacted too much with. I definitely like her, and during most classes, she'd sit close to me and often turn around to look at me. I would just smile a coupe of time, and she'd smile back. We talked for some time too, and it was fun.. The point is i decided to smile more. Just smile to people you meet, smile to the ones that maybe you wanna meet. You see, i am still a bit shy, and have trouble for example going to talk to this or that girl, to break the ice.. But smiling doesn't require any difficulty, it is easy, and makes you feel better. I like to smile at people. ​
     
  2. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Perhaps the first weekend i don't have cravings...

    I am feeling pretty well today. Although i am tired from the week and gonna spend the day at home, i am focusing on hobbies and doing some work. Lately i have started to work on some ideas of mine, originally thought by myself. And it's just great, because you are creating something, something that wasn't there. And won't be there unless you make it work! This has given me a lot of new energy and i was able to avoid porn for a week. Maybe this streak is going to work out better...​
     
  3. pohsenil

    pohsenil Member

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Hey, newborn! How are things going?
     
  4. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    It has been a while since i last wrote here, and things are going all right. I can't complain. I managed to reduce porn usage to once every 1-2 weeks, and for the time being i was ok with that, since it stopped influencing my social behaviour etc. I also quit weed for two weeks, but i had a relapse last sunday: today i will start again with clear mind streak. No weed, no too much alcohol, no porn.

    In general, i might have given up on the dream of giving up porn for good. I need a reason, which can only come in the form of a girl i am really into. But at the moment i am living a time of uncertainties: i am about to finish my studies, and i still don't know exactly what will be of me in the future. But i am optimistic: when i'll start working, i will focus on dating and finding a stable gf with whom to construct a life. But now, in my last few months as a student, i want to live as fully as i can. I tried alpine skying, i went rock climbing and i traveled during Chistmas vacations, in the following months i want to do the same, but on a bigger scale. Enjoy things on open air and ever say no to things i find interesting.
     
  5. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    The Old Tale, for once with a different ending

    I refuse and i regress

    You, reader, must understand that i take pleasure in failing, in starting again. I take pleasure on being told i'll die a porn addict, on being mocked for being a loser whose only pleasure in life is porn. I would destroy everything i have done, ruin myself, if a bitch online would tell me so in the right way.

    I take pleasure in wasting all my money to jerk off, and i went as far as to pay >50 € in a single session, because the more the denial, the waste of money, the more intense the orgasm. I felt in the trap of financial domination, becuase it was too sweet.

    Finally i take pleasure in denial, in being left the more and more horny, with no release, and in getting weaker by the day and ready to humiliate myself until no dignity is left.

    These are my demons, and facing them has always deepened the pull they have on me.

    Finally i accepted the demons, and told myself that i can just find someone that has my same fantasies and live happily ever after. But that is not going to happen, because i am too scared to let this out in the real world. I can only write it here, on anonymouse forums, where nobody is ever going to reconduce them to me.

    I am a pussy, and that is why i can't get rid of the sticking demons, it is why all i tried failed. Because i cannot control myself.

    I can try again, as i have done so many times, and fail even more, or i can just wait to be forgotten.

    BUT

    I have hope. There are things i love doing and there are things i love more than porn and marijuana and nicotine. Physics and mathematics, music and arts, sport and nature, connecting with people. I will not try to change habits again, because every change just dies out in the end. But i want to try and work solely for goals i really care about, like:
    • I wish to become the best scientist i can be, i wish to give humanity the knowledge i acquire in my lifetime.
    • I wish to learn more than i do now, i wish to learn new things every day.
    • I wish to experience everything that i can, expand my limits, test my fears. I wish a life free and uncaged, able to walk any path i desire.
    • I wish to be able to open with people, let them know how much i care for them and how much i want to see the same care reflected back.

    I need to let everything out and to discipline myself like a military. And this time i will not let go until 90 days without porn, marijuana and cigarettes are in the pocket. 90 days, if i fail i'll simply restart and change something. Earlier i would just stop at some point, and leave the righteous path at some point. I would come back after a while but then fall again. Now, from today, every failure just means i will try harder...
     
  6. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    This time i want to do things right. Not let anything slip through my layer of protection and resistence. This are the first things i'll focus on, get them done everyday until they become part of the routine:
    • I started this first day with a good healthy breakfast, some house cleaning and baking some sweets. This is going to be a thing from now on, take half an hour everyday after waking up to start the day in the best way. While having breakfast, i will read a book or listen to music.
    • I must eliminate internet during this first phase of the day. It is the most risky moment during the week, because i can sit in front of the computer and just check the porn sites for updates. Instead there will be good habits implemented, like playing music, read more, or do house cleaning.
    • Do a schedule for the next day, everyday, plan it so that in no moment i will find myself short of things to do, or deciding what to do to fight boredom. The schedule must be detailed, but leave space for choices, otherwise it always feel like an imposition.
    • Next to this, write here everyday how everything went, if time allows. In particular notify if i smoke weed, or spend long intervals of time in pure procastination, or if i surf for arousing material(etc).

    Step by step, a little change everyday is the only way to climb this mountain of mine.
     
  7. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Day 2
    The cheater

    Today i smoked weed, which in my view is a failure. I used it - i justified myself - to ease the porn withdrawal symptoms. A half truth, really, since i have been angry and sad all day long...

    But at least i started right, did all the things i said i would do. Just slipped in the end, and i made plans. In march, there is my birthday. I'll turn 25, an important step. From now till then i want to be porn free and possibly orgasm free. I need to fix myself. More than 50 days would be my definitive record since i was 16...

    I guess nine years of porn and masturbation, it's time i get a break.
     
  8. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Day 5

    So i reach a first milestone in time counting.. So far i have not been entirely true to my plans, i have smoked weed and i didn't quite follow my routines to 100%. And this morning i had my first morning wood in the past two weeks or so. This really means that i am starting to miss porn and my body starts to crave it, so i must pay extra attention in the next days..

    The weekend has always been my weakest moment, when in full procastination i start surfing for porn and eventually end up jacking off all day long.. Not anymore: weekend is hobbies time, i can spend much more time cooking and prepare the tastiest gourmet (works as a good reward system...) Also, i can play music for a long while, finally take my time to read etc. This time i will be prepared, no weed within the reach of my hands, and stay active the whole time, go for a walk or for a run if things are getting harsher..

    Let's pass this weekend and move on to a brighter life!
     
  9. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Day 8

    The counter is starting to go up, one week is already in the bag, and progresses are starting to show up. I am more sharp and responsive and i have got back my energy. I can now talk to people without being too embarassed or anxious. Erections have come to an end about yesterday, which means i am flatlining, which means the reboot is being effective. Good.

    What's not good is my inability to stop smoking weed. The grip that thing has on me is too great, way too great. It is not hopeless and, even if i ended up possessing weed again, what i can do is cut down consumption to less and less. And keep lowering it down until it would be easier to just go without it.
    In a sense it is harder for me to stop weed than porn: cravings for porn show up rarely, once a week perhaps, and mostly in the second or third week. I can now identify them and stop before it is too late. With weed, the voice in my head just says "stop tomorrow, enjoy today, after all what is the downside?"

    But i will beat also this demon, in time. Focus on porn first, get down to < 0.5 g of weed a week and it should be ok... At least i hope...
     
  10. pimpetry

    pimpetry Have more fun!

    3 years ago I was smoking weed and watching porn every day. After I stopped doing those my life SIGNIFICANTLY improved.
    They are poison dripping your life. They make you feel good but also make your life miserable.

    Even if you don't think they make your life "miserable", trust me, life is soooo much better without them.
    If you stop doing them, it frees your mind from bullshit and lets you work on your goals, achieving your dreams.

    You must fucking stop. The sooner you stop, the sooner your life gets better.

    Back in the days I grew my own weed, so I had a lot of it. I had so much that I couldn't even smoke all of it. At the end I had to get rid of it when I decided to stop.
    I guess in your case it's different, you buy your weed.

    What I would do in your situation: if I cannot stop myself from buying in in the first place, whenever I'm in a higher conscious headspace, I would take the weed and flush it down the toilet.
    If I did that a couple of times, the next time I would seriously consider buying and throwing out the money for it.

    You have to fucking stop smoking that shit. It ruins your life.
     
  11. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Yeah, that's the plan.. It's just difficult for me to do what you say. I did throw away weed at least once or twice, it did not make a difference, the next day i bought again. It's like i am in two different places when i crave and when i don't crave. No matter what i do, i'll always relapse.

    No, that's not it. Most probably i justify myself this way, and what i really need is to just start saying no.

    "Do i smoke weed tonight? No..." And keep my resolution.

    I need to wait for this "higher conscious headspace" you talk about, and if it doesn't come, go and look for it. I don't want to lie to myself, i can quit, but it is going to take time. I always get things done, but at my own speed, my own pace... And this i live now is the beginning for me. I will insist and do not stop trying to quit.

    Lets set a new goal then:
    • Weed free week: starts monday 26 to sunday 1.
    • Weed free day: tomorrow, everyday, until i can make it.
    • (older one) Porn free month: ends on february 10.
     
  12. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Allright, i threw away my weed. It took long thinking, and the battle was almost lost, but in the end i managed to do it, and it felt good.

    I saved enough for tonight, as i paid for the thing so at least a bit i will enjoy it. And i do always enjoy it...

    Now i cannot argue that i was using weed to ease the porn withdrawal, as porn withdrawal are now under control. I can only argue that weed makes me lazy as fuck, unhappy until i am sitting on a couch half asleep. So yeah, this was to consolidate my resolution, now we'll see if i can be true to my word and not fall into the trap again.
     
  13. pimpetry

    pimpetry Have more fun!

    Good job! I'm proud of you :)
     
  14. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    I didn't do what i promised. But let's go with order. I started last week with masturbating 3 times, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I looked at porn too, but only softcore images and erotic texts. I was on a no weed policy, which i started last Friday, and lasted until last Wednesday.
    It was a busy week at university, i had to present a thesis related subject to the research group, and had to start writing a paper. I think i relaxed my addiction fighting policies because i was busy, but the result was losing control, and yesterday i PMOed again. This need not to happen again, in absolutely no circumstances i can relax so much, the schedule for the next day is my most powerful tool. If i know what i will do, i don't risk to fall into porn and weed because of boredom. Which is my greatest cue.

    So, barriers again: i reinstalled k9, which went down after i updated the operating system. I have no way of shutting it down, as the email that is the administrator doesn't exist anymore. Schedule each day and mark down 10 things you want to accomplish the next day. Draw a graph showing the progress.

    That's it, be back on my feet hopefully soon...
     
  15. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Sorry to hear about your relapse. I've been struggling myself lately. I just can't figure out why I look at porn still from time to time. I guess it's because I miss having all of those hot chicks on demand. I know I don't need it in my life. The urges still get the best of me though.
     
  16. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Thanks Bruce Wayne for writing here.

    My problem concerning relapses is difficult to solve. As long as i go in no porn mode, one or two weeks, i feel fine. If i don't check porn websites i can go long without even getting cravings. But at some stage i start getting cravings: it starts as a soft background voice that tells me how long has it been since the last session. After a while i get convinced that it will not change anything if i give in one (but only one!) more time. From there things escalate very fast, and usually the only fighting weapon is to finish off very quickly so i don't experience all the side effects that PMO implies.

    The only way to stop this process is to prevent it from even starting. I can now recognise the beginning of the process, and when it starts i need to stay busy and focused for about 2-3 days, and avoid being left with nothing to do. So my plan is going to be, when the process starts, construct a detailed schedule on how to fight it. Write it down and respect in, so the next 3 days will be perfectly planned and i got no space for porn left.
     
  17. jjveetec

    jjveetec Well-Known Member

    It's great you're helping people here - not too many people stay after they recovered.

    What I'm not a big fan of is bunching things in clusters and throwing at someone. Definitely porn can be a catalyst of personal ruin. And weed is an inhibitor (unless we're talking stuff with some chem thrown in), but it's just a plant, nothing else.
    If someone would read my journal I decided to rewire without quitting weed. My problem was that I WIRED weed to pmo/femdom to the point where a mere thought that I WILL smoke got me excited and ready to go. I was literally riding to the dealer thinking about some fucked up sexual stuff, fully erected deep inside my porn cocoon.

    But I haven't stopped for more than 3 days since I decided to reboot. I re-connected weed to doing positive stuff - I work out on weed, work on weed (for hours), clean, ride, walk in the park and talk to women. I even meditate and do brain exercises on weed if I want to. I'm waking up fresh and full of energy everyday and get to work on myself and my project.

    Of course if you feel that weed "makes" you lazy and you can't progress because of it, than don't think twice. Quit it. But if I were you and decided to quit something that is wired and idleness and porn, than I'd do this for life. The danger is that somehwere in the future, when you get a smoke, you will relapse. I hope it doesn't happen and it might as well not, but prevention is better than cure.
     
  18. Thenewborn

    Thenewborn Guest

    Hey jjveetec,

    i actually agree with you, in the past 3 weeks i have adopted the use of weed you suggest: i mainly read and play when smoking, and sometimes i meditate or watch a movie. The point is moderation, if i can quit for a few days everytime i smoke too much or i feel i am losing something, then i am good. For example, last week i only smoked with friends after going to the gym, as the next week i have 3 jobs interviews and i need to finish writing my thesis, i thought i should just quit marijuana to be more focused. It was not hard...

    The point i want to make is, until 1 month ago i was smoking everyday, often in the morning after i woke up, and most days i felt confused and lazy, couldn't concentrate properly and was pretty anti social. But now it is different: i enjoy weed as i would enjoy a glass of beer, as a "guilty" pleasure. After all, weed is orders of magnitude less dangerous than alcohol, and nobody would say a glass of wine every second day ruins your existence. I want to enjoy what i like in moderation...
     
  19. Thenewborn

    Thenewborn Guest

    Growing up
    Now, I think i need to explain another thing: i deleted my account, and just made a new one today. The reason is i was sik of just relapsing and making promises i didn't know how to keep. I spent two years writing on this forum saying bullshit to people, just because i wanted to feel like i was at least trying something. But actually, i didn't wanted to quit porn, i wanted to change my situation without giving it up. And it was selfish of me to involve other people in this impossible quest.

    I do not know yet if i changed, but i feel different: since i turned 25 a couple of weeks ago, i felt like a quarter of my life is gone. And i started asking: what did i accomplished? I have done many things, but mostly i built the opportunity of a great career. I have received already several job offers, and next week i'll see which one i want.

    Now, i do not regret the things i have done so far. I accept that i have an addictive behaviour, that i am not the hero of any story, i am the manipulator, the liar, the asshole that only uses people. I accept who i am: the guy that has hidden every negative thing to his parents and friends, that appears as a great guy, but that inside jerks off to femdom. I have to accept all this, because i do not want to change who i am, but i can change what i want to do with what skills have been given to me.

    Now, i have quit porn almost for a month now, except one relapse the day of my birthday( my own personal present ). I still masturbate approx once a week, because otherwise i feel so horny that i would rape girls in the streets. I get erections by seeing a girl wearing leggings or little skirts. I cannot be that man, not now, so i masturbate to be less horny.

    I am not planning to date anybody for the moment, i don't want sex or a girl, i want to focus on study and finish being a student. As soon as i finish this master i'll get back into the game... Also, i see friends making stupid decisions because of girls: they think they are in love, and they give up opportunities because they want to stay together. Then, one year later, they get bored and they cannt get their chances back: destiny only favours you once, if you don't catch it then, you lose.

    About the future of my reboot: i do not know if i want to quit porn. I haven't decided yet, but i don't want to be an addict no more. So first i want to reach the 90 days i never made to. That will prove i am not an addict, and that i can quit. Counting from my last relapse, i made 20 days. 70 to go...
     

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