The Old Tale -- This time with a different ending!!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TheNewBorn, May 4, 2013.

  1. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Relapsed yesterday.. Again i was more focused on the appearences of the girls i saw, rather than the context or their words. But it is a failure, and i should report it. There are two excuses: first i saw T on skype. It was strange, after we left and both have suffered a lot. But talking to her felt very good, and we're keeping in touch. At the very least i wanna keep her friendship. But after that i felt wired, don't know how, but maybe i let her go in my mind, i realized she actually isn't here and that as a couple it's over. Perhaps. The second event that enhanced the need for porn: i had my last exam yesterday, i nailed it, i smoked weed to celebrate. I was relieved to have finished for now, and that i am officially on vacation! So i relapsed, no big deal.

    But from today it's going to be strict like iron discipline, wake up relatively early, training for the summer climbs, work on my thesis a bit. Still going for PM free summer, now that there are no perfect destabilizing storms coming, it's all easier.
  2. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    I just wanna know why, Jesus Christ, why?

    I don't know why it is so hard for me to quit. Not just porn, marijuana, cigarettes, biting my nails. I tried so many times, in so many different ways. I changed my life, to change the addictions, but ironically they are the only constants that remain of my old self. But eventually i must change even that, let go. Maybe find some other, healthier attachment to who i was ;)

    So i can just try and try, it is my challenge, the big step of my life. Maybe it is because i find other challenges, job, career, sports, too easy, boring. I had always an easy time with everything, i don't know suffering except from this. Well, in matter of love perhaps i have a regret or two, but who doesn't? Anyway, i am going off topic. The point is that maybe what occupies so much other people, for me is just not a big deal.

    I try again today, but this time i want to give up all at once, except marijuana. 2 more weeks and i'll be spending the summer around Europe, probably not even having access to marijuana. So even that will stop too in a little while.

    Guess i'll post again sometimes, in the meantime cheers to everybody 8)
  3. pimpetry

    pimpetry Have more fun!

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Read books about your problems like the Power of Habit and the Willpower Instinct.
  4. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Hope your travels find you well, TNB!
  5. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Hi Apeman, nice to see you back! :)

    Low place

    So, i haven't posted anything for some time. The reason is that i was in a bad situation, and i am not out of it yet. It is not just about porn, but porn is a great part of it. Where to start? At the beginning of the summer i was feeling well, i had come to terms with breaking up with my girlfriend, and was ready to have a great time on vacations. Truth is, i hadn't come to terms with anything. I was just happy i could finally let go and fall back into the old spiral of porn, weed, loneliness and shame. How could i possibly enjoy that? I had a great time with my girlfriend, but as soon as she was gone, i submerged myself into those patterns that make me so miserable, but that i cannot get free from.

    Truth is, i am really disappointed in myself. I went far into addiction, drank from the cup of despair until i was empty. But it was not the end of it. No, i tried to get out, many times, eventually reaching one week of no porn. But what's the point of that, i thought, if next week i will relapse again?

    So it went on and on, a horrible summer, that i spent mostly in my place trying to figure out what to do. At the first chance i would plunge deep into the porn sea. When i was having fun, i was getting drunk, waste myself. I started getting depressed, less and less eager to get out of bed in the morning. I arrived to the point to skip classes and stayed home jacking off and getting stoned instead.

    And so it goes...

    Eventually, last week, i came up with an idea: let go of weed and porn, commit myself to recovery once more. Because what else can i do? But this time i couldn't just let luck rule my reboot, i had to do more. So i made a schedule, for the week, that i respected for 3 days. And then i got weed again, and then i spent money on porn again.


    I cannot understand what happens to me. Now i write this, tomorrow i will buy weed and jerk off. And so it goes. I lack willpower to resist cravings and strength to say no when they appear. I lack this.

    But this is not the end. After all, i have recovered before, even if it took me months. Well, it's time to do it again.

    But now what i need is strength and faith. Faith that things eventually turn out better, that changes happen. I have to have faith, because it is all i got left. I need to open up with others, to tell them of my struggles, and let go of my mental barriers.
    It's not just changing lifestyle, being healthier and more active. Because that i am still doing. From an outsider point of view, somebody that knows me for instance, i have a perfect life. I go to the gym 3 times a week, play music one day, i work for 5 days and go out 2-3 times a week.

    But when i am alone, i enter my personal space. I surf the web for hours, and become a porn addict, a weed addict, a lonely man. I feel some days that i am alone in a room with one window: through the window i see what i do, my social life, my research, but it is so distant. It is outside my head, where i wander alone.

    I reinstalled k9 and self control. To check porn i need to disable them, which might take some time, considering i have to retrieve passwords. I decided to do more sport and start again with my hobbies. Also, i need to write here often, keep track of my progress, and defeat this once and for all.

    After one year on this forum i am back on the start, exactly at the same place where i was when i first posted this journal. I have been losing so far, i do not intend to do it more. People who have advice, please, for once i am willing to follow it!
  6. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    That's a good line, TNB.

    For all your struggles, you still have the most fundamental element of a reboot: the desire to reboot. You haven't given up, and that means you're still firmly in the game.

    Buy Gary's book and read it. For the price of a shot of whiskey, you'll have the clearest, most comprehensive resource on porn addiction and recovery. Understanding what's happening to your brain is another crucial piece of the foundation for a robust reboot. The book is succinct, and jam-packed with not only the neuroscience behind addiction, but also the tried-and-true methods of recovery. I cannot overstate my recommendation for this book.

    Also, you'll benefit greatly from breaking this journey down into bite-sized pieces. Maybe a week at a time. Maybe a day at a time. Just know this: there is no single strategy or set of rules that will get you to 90 days and beyond. Your "sweet spot" of effective practices is going to change over the course of your journey, and you'll have to change your approach along with it. So just start with your plan for this week (or just today), and then at the end of that time period, come back to your strategy to reassess and tweak.

    Best of luck, TNB. Good to have you back.
  7. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Thanks for the suggestion, Apeman, i'll make sure i have that book :) It seems like it is worth buying!

    Anyway, one step at a time, as Apeman suggests, is the best way to go. Yesterday was my day 1, and it was a good day. Free from porn and weed, i went dancing with some friends. In this period, after my downfall, i am experiencing again social awkwardness, but it is different than before: i can talk to groups of people, to women, i can make jokes etc. But my hearth starts racing, and i feel nervous. Nevertheless, it is good practice, and it is only getting better by connecting with others, by trusting friends. One of my problems is that i fail to communicate: even if i talk to people, i rarely express my own feelings, i lack the ability to construct meaningful friendships.. And somebody to talk to is something i really need. Because of the depression that hits me sometimes, and because it makes life much better and worth living.

    Luckily i have some persons around me, most of which i consider my friends, and that have not abandoned me in the latest times. I keep meeting people, and i am so ashamed that, in most of our late encounters, i was stoned or on the verge of a lapse. Thinking that they keep reaching out for me, even when i have proven to be unreliable, is of great help. I just want to keep hanging out with this people, and keep getting closer to them :D

    Today is another beast to chase: it is sunday, and sundays i stay home, to relax. What i did on sundays, until last week, was smoking weed, as soon as i woke up, and spend the rest of the day foggy and high, with a high risk of PMOing. Today i plan to study and do some work, i have bought some stuff to prepare a nice dinner, and most likely i'll go for a run and some training(abs, pull ups etc.) in the park.


    There is something else i have learned of late. I guess i never been a spiritual person, i never had faith in something bigger than myself, i never really accepted moral laws imposed by religion. But i am now trying to explore this subject, because i believe it is just what i need. You see, i have come to the conclusion that willpower and the strength to carry on rebooting, come from faith rather than reason: you know the benefits of stopping, but at the moment of relapse you cannot rationalise. In other words, you need something to help you stop when cravings hit. So i am trying to read about spirituality, and i am engaging in prayers. I don't think i'll actually follow a religion, mostly i worship what i think is good in the world, i try to love humanity as a whole(much like that guy, Camus, suggested) and follow the moral rules that logic in the first place gave me. I think i'll say more on this subject, but i still need to figure out exactly what i am looking for.
  8. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Day 3

    Had a good weekend all considered. It is true i smoked some weed, but i also had a 10 km run, cooked really nice meals, studied and read a good half of Gary's book. Actually i feel really tired today, after running so much yesterday, but i will not spend the night at home alone, i'll go to practice some music instead and i always meet some people there.

    My real trouble is the weekend, when i get so tired from the week that i enter some kind of fuck-it-mode. I need two things in order to cope with this: first, keep the stress in the week low, meaning do not work too much; second, try to avoid the fuck-it-mode by not spending too much time in the weekend doing nothing in front of the computer.
    The trouble comes, partially, from my need to stay busy all the time. You think it's good hitting the gym 3 times a week, hanging out with friends also 2-3 nights, as there is no room for porn. And that works most of the days, but that moment you find yourself alone and decide you've done enough for now, that's when it hits.

    But well, i suppose i cannot really physically prevent myself from watching porn, sometimes i have to use willpower alone...
  9. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Hi TheNewBorn, you are doing well to engage yourself in healthy alternative activities. Something that has helped me recently is being aware of sexual transmutation. More energy is not just available to you generally as you get further into the reboot, a burst of it is at your disposal when you get aroused. Simply observing how sexual arousal can provide a powerful source of fuel for whatever I decide to channel it into has allowed me to become more accepting of it. Indeed, I can even look forward to moments of arousal as I know they can be useful for getting things done.

    How do you rate Gary's new book by the way? I am due to pick up a copy.
  10. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Good move picking up that book, TNB. I think you'll find much more clarity in your reboot once you've absorbed the knowledge within.
  11. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Definitely recommend it whether you are or not expert on the subject. I already know most of its content, but reading it in a neat and tidy form is a way of reminding myself what i risk and what i have become during my porn using days.

    For me most of the content is not new, i already knew it. The thing is, i need constant reminder of what the porn risks are, as i tend to go like "it's been a week, sure porn won't damage me now." Reading Gary's book reinforce my commitment and resolution.

    Day 6: Strength

    The weekend is approaching and, unless i am very very careful, i will spend one full day using porn. Let's say this is a test of strength and willpower. Every weekend will be a test of strength and willpower, until i can say i don't crave porn anymore. I just need to say no to porn, keep doing the same i've done in the past months, but instead of giving in when cravings hit, i just need to stop before it's too late...
  12. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Masturbated today. No gain, no loss... I guess the habit is porn once a week, i started feeling aroused. No bother, if i can avoid porn and stay safe for the weekend i shall be fine.
  13. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Welcome back, NewBorn. Don't despair and let us know how it goes.
  14. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Thanks and, here it goes ;D

    Day 7: first testing

    First real day of willpower, it's like i am a completely different person. I crave porn since the first moment i woke up: in my worst days the first thing i would do after waking up would be surfing for porn. Discovered which fetish among the list i would like to explore during the day, i would start acting femdom fantasies, eventually wasting the whole day in porn. Hell, not today. I woke up with a morning wood, not all the way to 100% erection, but still more intense of any i had in the past months. I'll not throw away this streak! So, yeah, it's time to keep on rocking! Besides, tonight i'll go to a party and, just maybe, meet some girls. Not that i want a date, not so soon in reboot, but i can have some fun. PMO now would mean being absolutely asocial tonight, and that i really don't want to.

    Points system ;)

    Here is my brand new point system to monitor the progress of my reboot. It consists of 10 positive points, 8 negative. Once it is built, you can set rewards at X points(e.g. masturbation, changing a rule ... ) so that your progress is more motivated.
    + 1 point:
    • Woke up before 9 am.
    • Studied or worked at my thesis.
    • Read a book for at least 30 minutes.
    • Played music.
    • Went to the gym or done some sport.
    • Smoked no weed.
    • Cleaned my room or washed my clothes.
    • Meditated.
    • Cooked a delicious meal.
    • Worked on other hobbies.
    - 1 point:
    • Surfed for porn.
    • Downloaded or watched a porn clip.
    • Masturbated. ( PMO = - 8 points )
    • Smoked weed.
    • Drank too much.
    • Went to bed after 1 am, not for social reasons.
    • Didn't move from the house for a long time, without doing anything productive.
    • Smoked more than 5 cigarettes.

    Now, i don't remember the whole last week, but
    17/09: 2 pt
    18/09: 0 pt
    19/09: 3 pt

    I plan to do better! Although i have a mild flu since last tuesday, so cannot move too much, cannot go to the gym, so i can't really full fill all the positive items. But just going for a steady 5 pts a day should be a good start :D
  15. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Sunday(day 9): pts 4 ;
    Monday(day 10): pts 4 ;

    Tuesday: day 11

    Been a week and a half now :) To be honest, however, i watched some porn on saturday. Haven't masturbated while watching it, so i tricked myself into believing it was not proper PMO, but that's a bit of cheating. Well, doesn't matter, seeing 10 days on my counter is much better than seeing 4, so i'll just leave it like that.

    Social awkwardness: maybe my biggest problem. I was reading on gary's book:

    “I'm not your generic self-diagnosed socially awkward penguin. I've been to a psychiatrist, diagnosed with moderate to severe social-anxiety and was put on medication. I know about the adrenaline rush you get when a stranger gets near you, the almost heart attack you feel when you try to talk during a class or a meeting (as if you ever do), the long lonely walks you take not to deal with strangers, the unfounded shame when you look another person in the eye, the huge wall you put between strangers. Sweating, trembling, panic attacks, self hate, suicidal impulses, I've been through it all. I've been attempting quitting for two years now and this is the longest I've abstained. I no longer experience the ‘torture’ I described above. No I'm not a new person, not a social butterfly. I'm still myself but I'm free of the shackles we call social phobia. In this past two years I've made more connections, hit on more women, made more friends than I did in my first 25 years. I feel content and comfortable in my own skin, and the wall I put between myself and other people has crumbled.”

    Excerpt From: Gary Wilson. “Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction.”

    And i have been thinking how all this symptoms fits with me. Always in a milder way, probably because my porn usage was not that intense, but still they are there. I think about the detour i take often to avoid meeting someone, or about the fact that i don't really have many friends. Or that time i skipped a presentation, facing all the consequences, only because it felt awkward doing it. Or yesterday night, when i claimed i was sick to stay home and smoke weed. I guess it's ok, because i still get to hang out when i want to, but real bonding, out of discussion most of the time.

    And the worst thing with me is that i always justify everything, by saying it's just me. 'I don't need friends, just somebody to talk to once in a while, so i don't get bored. I just need a few people around me so i can tell them what i did yesterday, tell them how amazing my work is, etc.'
    Looking back, i always lived into my own little space. I would go to uni, do my job, then come home, smoke weed, watch a movie. I look forward for my time alone, while when i hang out i just force myself to. Because, they say, it is normal.

    I think what i need is total abstinence: no masturbation, porn, weed, alcohol or video games for a month or so. Only books, music, study and sports. Then i'll get a better look at things, and maybe decide i like the new life more than the old. But i can never accomplish that, so i can just keep on trying and the more i apply myself, the more i will get closer to the perfect streak, the more i will have already healed.

    For this reason i am happy i only masturbated once last weekend, rather than 3+ as i was used to, i am grateful i finished my weed so i can go as many days as i can without it, and then try again and again and again. Until i feel completely healed!
  16. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Tuesday (day 11) : 6 pts.
    Wednesday (day 12) : 5 pts.

    Tomorrow is a big day: i got to present, at a seminar, part of my research. For me, this is a big social challenge, and i usually sort of freak out each time, get nervous, and end up being perceived less valuable than i am. This is a issue that needs solving, both for my career and personal life. So i decided not to freak out, as a matter of facts to enjoy the process.

    I planned the presentation slightly unorthodox, in such a way that i can insert jokes and personal interpretation into it. I enjoy preparing for it, and i want to communicate my enjoyment to my public. I will try to talk like i talk to myself, without stammering, clear and loud. If successful, i will have proof that i retrieved my social skills, and i am pretty confident that would be the case :)
  17. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Thursday ( day 13 ) : 3 pts.

    The scientist

    Science has always been my biggest passion: i remember making experiments with bacteria during my high school years, or opening up radios when i was younger, and lecturing on the moon during primary school. ​

    Yesterday i gave a seminar in front of the whole class, amongst which girls that i find attractive. And professors and experts in the field. I admit my legs were shaking, but, as soon as i started talking science, i forgot everything and immersed myself in arguments, equations, discussion. I still have a lot to improve to consider myself confident while talking to a public, but yesterday was definitely an improvement. People were smiling at the end of my talk, and came complimenting.. ​

    I love doing this!!

    This morning i woke up with a huge boner, morning woods are coming back gentlemen​

    8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)

    But this is not the end, nor it is enough. I am off with a good start, let's make this the first masturbation free weekend in the last 2 months. Keep on going, and enjoying whatever comes next!​

    ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
  18. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Aww yeah! Way to nail that presentation, TNB! And you're right: gradual, steady progress is much more doable than trying to switch over to a "perfect" streak. Progress, not perfection.

    Keep up the good work, mate.
  19. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Let's play, shall we?

    Hello again everyone... Been rather busy and couldn't find the time to write a couple of lines here. But also, my last few posts were really set into the stupid scheme great week - lazy weekend - relapse - start over. The cycle had started once more and, even if i could go indeed a coupe of days without porn, i always fell at the end of the week. That got me thinking...

    I tried to change myself in all aspects of my life, to be a different person. Why do i want that?

    What i realised is that i am perfectly fine with who i am. If i am a shy guy, why do i want to become more and more open? If i like spending time alone, why do i care? The real problem is that i was focusing on changing what i thought made my life miserable, but actually many of these things are just a part of my personality. I have objectives, aims, goals: I like science. No, i love science. And i love doing it, asking myself new questions, face challenges. And i like music and climbing. I like talking to people and discover all about their complexity and whereabouts. And i like writing, watching movies, reading books, smoking weed. I like sex. And i have vices, like everybody: i like porn, i like weed, i like beer a little bit too much. I smoke too much. I like procrastinating. So what i have to do is not change my life, because i like my life. What i have to do is change the way i deal with problems and stress.

    I wish i had no stress, and could live free and without worries...

    True it's impossible to live happily ever after, and keep being happy everyday. But life is a game after all. It's a theory of mine: if you see everything as a game ( with winners and losers, with rules and challenges etc. ) life becomes much easier. Say, i wake up today and have nothing to do. That's a boring day. Say i wake up and go to work, but i would rather be somewhere else. Say i am doing something that i don't quite like so much. There is a way to suffer it without pain: make it a game. That is, try your best to be good at it. ​
    The easiest example that comes to my mind is interactions with people: I always had trouble with interacting with people. Maybe it's porn, maybe it is just who i am, but when i talk to somebody, thousands questions raise in my mind. Am i being interesting? Am i enjoying this conversation? Am i looking too much into the eyes of this person? Should i say something or keep silent? Should i kiss her? Should i touch her? You get the idea. The trouble is, i do not know the answer to these questions, since i don't know what others think. So the game becomes: no matter the person, be satisfied the way you behaved. Make yourself interesting, at least in yourself view, but never fake or lie. Then a conversation goes right or wrong depending on whether i achieve the objective or not. ​

    Now, once you view things as a game, loosing becomes part of it. Every failure you experience makes the game more interesting, but it takes the pressure away. And winning is the ultimate goal. Now: i don't want to keep relapsing so often, once a week is definitely too much and makes spiralling down too easy. But perhaps once a month? I don't know. But today i woke up with a semi-boner and i realised how much i miss sex. It's been 4 months since last time, too long! So the game i will play now is, first, be porn free from about 3 weeks so that sex is possible, then get to business. I play each conversation like i described before, but using what I like to keep talking. Not what's standard or i think could be interesting. I'll talk science, music, and try to understand what the other person likes and if i think it is interesting. Sex will be a consequence of this, it'll come when i will find a girl with whom there is reciprocal attraction... See, no stress, no preoccupations, nothing at all. Only having fun while i do what i do... ​
  20. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Great great great post, TNB. That's some tasty food for thought.

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