The Old Tale -- This time with a different ending!!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TheNewBorn, May 4, 2013.

  1. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Hey, it's been 10 days already :)

    So i smoked some weed today. Yeah, i know i said i will stop for 2 weeks yesterday, but i am bipolar sometimes, and everything i say i could deny the next minute. I am working on that btw.

    I figured, there is no harm, and if i indulge again tomorrow i will throw it away. But also i have been sleeping quite bad the last 2 nights, and i suspect is the lack of weed that gave me some insomnia. Now, tomorrow i want to meet T, and i would like to be rested is anything sexual ought to be attempted. Also, as "The willpower instinct" teaches, it's harder to resist when tired. I am still stopping, just not going cold turkey. Perhaps i could smoke only after going to the gym(like today) until my reserve is finished. And if even once i do not respect my rule, the reserve goes into the trash. Sure, i could start again and spend more and more money on it, which i can't afford... So it should be a pretty safe system.
     
  2. bikeguy

    bikeguy Member

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Dude, the easiest way to quit is just to not buy it in the first place.
     
  3. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    True, i just had a moment of weakness. But again, marijuana is not a bad thing for me: i have smoked regularly the past 9 months, my grades in school are A+, B, A, A, A+, B+, A, A+ 8) In this time i got a girlfriend and had sex for the first time in my life ;D I sleep 8 h per night and i go to the gym 3 times a week, 2h per session. True, i haven't been able to stop porn just yet, but i am definitely on the good path. One of the reason i want to stop smoking is because i am writing my thesis, and since i have good grades i have chosen a challenging topic, and i want to publish my results. But they must be great. And to do that, occasional smoking is good, giving new ideas, but doing it regularly compromizes my concentration and increases the risk of committing mistakes in the calculations.

    But there are also good news: i had sex again yesterday, and boys it was good! ;D I had taken a chemical, called libido forte, which is a natural mix of some kind of herbs. It really works well, helping erections only after sexual excitation. I took it because i wanted to feel more confident, at this early stage of the reboot, but it was worth it. I did experience real libido, definitely better than any other time. There was a lot of eye contact, she looked marvelous then :) The orgasm was intense.

    Now, i don't know how much of this was me and how much the pill, but for the time being i don't want to know. One thing is for sure though, I don't want to touch porn ever again in my life.
     
  4. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Can't go back...

    I was thinking lately that i cannot go back to porn. It is a matter of intensity, and the unquestionable superiority of the sexual act with respect to the pornografic experience. The latter is fake, artificial, and even if it is overly stimulating, it merely acts in the brain, leaving the rest of our body uninvolved in the experience. The first consist of bonding, emotional as well as physical contact, involving a much more rich range of sensations, both physical and mental.

    And that is why now, when i think about porn, even if i start with a small fantasy, it doesn't appeal me. Perhaps at some point some wired lizardic part of my brain will tell me to go back, but my conscious mind is totally convinced that porn has to be eliminated. Porn has to be eliminated completely, and i really really want the strength to not use it ever, EVER!, again.
     
  5. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Good job reaching 15 day no porn. Try to break that 30 days barrier: I'm sure it would give you a great boost to your motivation.
     
  6. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Thanks! I really want to get there :)

    Day 16 -- All in all, i have a happy life...

    Yes, i can say this now. I am satisfied with my life. I was out the whole weekend, hiking and shopping. I cooked the best meals and got myself some new clothes, to bust my look a inch. Tomorrow i will start working again, and i am looking forward to it! I will see T more this week, and i am looking forward to it :)

    I had this wired moment today in the bus: i saw a girl in shorts, kept staring for a moment. She saw me, and i looked deeply into her eyes, until she gazed away. I smiled and minded my own busyness for a while, until i found her staring back at me. I got a semi-erection. When she went down from the bus i realized i didn't crave for porn. I craved her. I realize there was no hope or will of me getting her, but that's fine. Because i do not feel like relapsing now, soon i will have sex again, and that is all i need to know.

    And today i do more: i'll play some music, take a walk, go to choir practice.. Maybe i'll talk a bit with my fellows before heading home.

    Please lizard brain, do not spoil this, it is not worth it :p
     
  7. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Day 19 -- Appearance of the wolves . . .

    Yesterday i woke up, after tuesday i smoked weed with a friend, and got a mild hangover. I felt foggy, and ended up browsing some porn websites for 5 minutes. I didn't get hard until i was in the bulk of it, and even then i lost the erection very soon, and there were no signs of semen leakage(as there used to be a while ago)... That was it. I got cravings during the day, and felt really tempted in the evening to peak again. I resisted to this one, and went on a date with T. Got pretty solid erections while kissing her, but lost them as i interrupted contact. Usually peeking is a road that eventually leads to porn.

    But this time i feel different, like if i checked the liquor store, and just saw the guy i used to be in there, and really closed the door as soon as i could. Believe me or not, but i an not interested in what's inside...
     
  8. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Back to day zero..

    Yesterday i was very proud of myself: although i was having cravings, i managed to resist and even avoid peeking. I made it through the whole day, then i went on a date with T. The thing is, i was expecting to have sex, so i took my libido enhancing pill, to feel more confident. It turned out that she was on her period, and she is not exactly the girl to give blowjobs in a case like this. So we drank some wine and meet a few friends.. It was really nice, i was happy. When i arrived back to my place, i was dizzy, but not seriously drunk. And i had smoked too. I went to bed without falling for the cravings that kept on coming. But after i felt asleep, i woke up at 3 am or so, having a seriously embarrassing erection. And i couldn't sleep with that, i tried for a while. Still i managed to resist cravings more and more, but eventually i gave in. I didn't watched too much, but it is still PMO.

    It sucks, in particular because i didn't wanted a relapse, i could resist. Now i will straighten myself up even more, with more precision and even more commitment. This will stay a isolated episode.
     
  9. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Can you MO without porn in a situation like that?
     
  10. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Well i can, perhaps i should have. The problem with that is that it gives big cravings the next day, and perhaps alcohol makes it harder to resist..

    Day 2

    Actually the relapse is nothing but a small set back, i keep going on my no porn, no weed streak(the latter restarting on monday), and will do even more work and creative production from now on. I have started a drawing notebook, to occupy time other than surfing online, i'll keep writing, and reading...

    On the sexual side, something really wired is happening: i really like T, i look forward to meet her every day, i think a lot about her, and never i feel unsafe when she is around. I am confident around her. And that's why i am going to keep using sexual stimulator. Since they work, i can at least do some rewiring(to sex also) that i have lacked so much in the past. I would masturbate again today, if it wasn't for her thought holding me here...
    I feel like i have betrayed her, and to make up for it i can only stop porn once more, and fight harder than ever, with more commitment...

    It's going to be a great battle
     
  11. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Right, so Day 3

    I regret the pmo session, but i believe there is something in this relapse not quite the same as it used to be. I got cravings yesterday, intense ones, and ended up surfing for porn. But it just didn't felt right, you know, it felt like i was cheating again, i was being an addict again. I am not an addict. So i masturbated, in a slow fashion, trying to simulate the pace at which sex goes. there are two things worth noticing:
    • I was 100% erect, even when moving my hand slowly. Sensations came in waves, each more intense and each bringing me closer to the orgasm. I had no thoughts, only the pleasure of feelings.
    • With porn, it is your brain that sets the orgasm in motion, the whole process being linear until i get close and cannot hold on anymore. Yesterday the built up was like a staircase, eventually reaching a peak of intensity. With porn the feeling is much more like to "let go", cum, more dirty.
    To a certain extent my healing process is much more advanced than i could think.. But the last step is one of the hardest, because it means accepting that i have reached a new point in my life. The "evolution" is already happening, but one needs to leave behind the old skin and fully accept the new. . .
     
  12. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Up and down, the emotional roller coaster

    So the news is that T is going to leave in one week, she is an exchange student, and as such from next week on she is not going to be here, where i live anymore. She leaves in another country, not too far from me, but a good 2 h plane away.

    We have not really talked yet about what is going to happen to us when that moment comes, but now the clock is ticking, and the few moments we still have together are counted. In all honesty, i have no idea of what i intend to do: on one side, i really like her, i wouldn't split up if she would stay here, but on the other, what future do we have? I am going to do the academic career, PhD, post docs... I do not know where this is going to lead, where and/or when. I know that for the next 6-10 months i will keep living where i live now, but other than that, who knows! And she is in a similar situation, although most likely she will stay in her country, 2 hours away by plane from me.

    It sucks, because it is probably the first time i get attached to a girl in this way: she is my best friend, i tell her anything that bothers me. To my surprise, she understands! I didn't told her about porn addiction, but for everything else, she is really right for me. I may even be in love with her, to a certain extent.

    So these days i am occupied thinking, some days i envision staying together, and by some miracle, go live together(in the same city), and it is a bright future. Some others i think i love my work more than i love her, and i am not prepared to give up my career for her, and that means that we should break up next week. In between i am caught into a volume of increasing pressure, everyday stepping closer to that talk we should have, and who knows.

    All in all i am happy of the time we spend together, and although it would be painful, saying goodbye would not take away from the joy we brought each others in this time...
     
  13. pimpetry

    pimpetry Have more fun!

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Well, I'm going home next week and after about 4 months I'm going to be together with my girlfriend again and to be honest this 4 months was fucking tough to handle.

    It did make our relationship grow, now it's better and deeper but we KNEW that it's gonna be over after 4 months.

    If you have no idea how you are going to make it happen then it's not going to work. If you don't spend time together it's going to simply kill your relationship. I have an amazing relationship with my gf and we tried to talk to each other every day on skype for a couple of hours but that was nothing compared to the time we spend together when she was here. And there were times when I felt that I don't love her that much anymore, because simply we couldn't talk that much and I had a lot of other shit going on in my life.

    I don't want to suggest you to break up with her. Do whatever you want. Try to do what feels right. If you love her so much that you want to spend your whole life with her, then of course try to make it happen. But if you are not that attached to her, maybe the right choice is to break up with her. It's going to be tough, you won't be able to rely on her anymore, you'll need to get your shit together again and find a new girl. But it's going to make you stronger too.
     
  14. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    @pimpetry: you are right, of course. I have accepted that breaking up is the most reasonable course of actions... Mostly because the chance of living in the same city again are very thin. But we haven't talked yet, and a possibility would be staying together for the summer, i could visit her maybe for a week, and that would be a nice option. But in truth i don't know.

    Burning hot . . .

    The thing is, after i mentally accepted to break up with T, i could see no reason for not relapsing. I held tight for a while, resisting temptation, but eventually i entered that "fuck it!" mind state that unequivocally lead to the perfect storm. I think i surfed porn websites for a couple of hours, getting tons of clips. I bought a rapidgator account and downloaded at a steady rate of hundreds of Kb/s. I ended up with ten clips or so. But i didn't watched them, instead i came almost immediately to MO and deleted everything. But it wasn't enough, no, i was just warming up. The second relapse happened to a femdom clip. But strangely enough, i turned off the volume, enjoying purely the sight of the woman's body.. Wired, i thought, normally what turns me on is the humiliation, the degradation, and the control that is exercised on me, but this time that wasn't exciting me. And this leads me to the third relapse, which i consumed while watching vanilla porn. This is the first time in 6 years since i can get excited with porn that is not femdom. It really looked like, during the time i was falling down yesterday, that a few things are different than before. Something has snapped already in my brain, changes happening deep inside.

    The very fact that i had to relapse 3 times means that porn is not appealing anymore: whenever i relapsed, in the past, it was always a single, protracted, session, after which i would come so hard i didn't needed it anymore for a week. But now that i have experience orgasming from sex, which are much more intense, i require more from relapses, and have to increase the number..

    Finally, this morning i woke up with a morning wood. A sign, perhaps, that the damage is not as big as i thought...

    The phoenix . . .

    As i was burning, yesterday, i smoked a ton of weed... I was just lying in bed, tripping, and then came a realization: i cannot go on like this. As a student i am brilliant, which is what allows me to live this dissolute lifestyle. Even in my worst moments i was always able to get amazing results at university, which brings me to the next line of enquiry. I have become ambitious, i want to grab whatever i can from life, not simply waiting for old age and regrets, but surf the currents of life.
    In other words, i live a carefully constructed life, perfectly respectable, and enviable even, which i prepared in the past 10 years. But there is a missing step, because what comes next is going to be much much harder, because i want it to be. Because i cannot be content in wasting my potential, because i need constant challenge to not be bored, and simply because i can. And when the real challenge come, i cannot be lost again in this addiction, self destructive life. I need the stamina to run for 1000 miles, and cannot let what is my past ruin it.

    Flying away . . .

    In a way of symbolic meaning, i decided to throw away the pack of weed i have in my room. Let it sink in a river, and feed the fishes. This is a really hard thing to do, as i paid for the thing, but it is a necessary challenge in letting go. And from there there is only one road to follow, the path of the mind.
    In a more specific detail, i intend to stop weed for good, not as i have done so far accepting that once in a while i can smoke, but really and seriously committing myself to the task. I'll wake up early in days to go running, and i will mostly read and play music.

    It is unquestionable that my reboot so far has been successful, that i am a different person than the one that started. But i think i hit the surface, finally realizing that i had enjoyed this long enough, it is time to try something different.

    I realize whatever i said is just the same, old soup, mixed again in just another form, and that i myself do not fully believe this to be different than any other time i tried to stop. But now i have little choice: either i systematically readdict myself to porn, much as i have systematically broke free, or i give it up completely, searching for a new step in growing up, a new phase of my life. I will become me.
     
  15. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Hope you can get back on track mate.
     
  16. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    End of a cycle

    The reason why i am feeling down in this last 2 days is because i broke things up with T. It was my choice in the end, to tell her that next week we are going to go on separate roads. I chose this because i could see no future for us as a couple, even if i wanted to, i want to pursue my career more. This means that i do not know where i will end up next year, and of course that long term relationships are, for now, out of question.

    Realizing this made me drop down into a depressing state, which still endures. I have gone through weed and masturbation again, and today i just feel emptied. A hollow hull, with nothing inside at all. A machine, made to consume whatever until becoming fucking fat and old and with no dreams anymore.

    Breaking up with T gives me the opportunity of becoming better on my own, stand on my feet, and make the final steps to straighten my life.

    I want to forget about dating girls for a while, and work on myself.
     
  17. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    I think its great your dropping the goal of dating and want to focus on yourself.
     
  18. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Yes, i guess i had enough for the time being.. If i meet somebody nice, probably i will give her a chance. But mainly this summer i want to relax and enjoy myself.

    There are several points of improvement that i would like to work on
    • Sociality: I have become progressively less social thanks to weed and having a girl. I started going home earlier, talking to new people and ditch people to meet with T. I want to work on this, as i used to be very very social, friend with everybody, but now i feel like there is a barrier between me and my friends, coming from the fact that i am spending less time with them...
    • PMO free summer: ambitious project, but it implies a series of emergency measures, such as limiting pc usage, procastination time, and working out more. Since i have more free time now, i can spend more time at the gym, studying.
    • Solid routine: i cannot follow completely definite schedules, as i tend to not respect them. Also i want to keep flexible in case i need spare time. What's important is a complete set of activities that keep me away from the computer, and most importantly help in keeping a constantly high mood.

    Just this for now, until i finish the semester, from then the free time is going to be much more, and i will need to implement more improvement points...
     
  19. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Hey Newborn - those sound like great goals. A thriving social life is great and makes it much easier to not focus on dating. I've found that one of my major motivations for dating is a desire for emotional intimacy. When I establish friendships that are emotionally infinite a lot of the drive to date goes away because my social needs are being met, and it's mainly the sex thing that's left as a motivation to date. Anyway friendships are great, much more stable and reliable than romantic relationships. Building up healthier habits is an important step too. I've been working on the same thing and have noticed improvements in my mood stability already, even though it's not been very long since I really started committing to decreasing internet use.
     
  20. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    @BreakingtheHabit: thanks friend. I know all about this, friendships are great, in particular because i still have big troubles opening up with people. It's hard for me, just to say what i really think. I tend to tell lies, construct an image of me that people should have and keep. As a consequence it is always difficult to open up and really say how i feel...

    Last weekend, T left the country. We met a lot her last days, which made it very difficult to say goodbye. I cried a lot, i still feel like with her a piece of me left. I feel more empty now.
    The wired thing is that we never actually said we were splitting. When i thought we broke up, it was more because i changed attitude towards her, and she towards me. But in the last days we spent many hours talking, just the two of us, and it felt like she wasn't going anywhere.
    Last time i saw her, she kissed me. And we promised to stay in touch, maybe i will go visiting her already this summer, we will skype soon.

    Anyway, seeing other girls right now, i don't want to, i don't even feel i can meet anybody i like remotely as much as i like her. It's a feeling which is going to pass, given time: someday i will meet somebody new, but i cannot think about that now.

    There is more: technically i relapsed last friday. I felt so like shit for T's departure, i just wanted to say "fuck it". The wired thing is that as soon as the video started playing, the usual humiliation talk started going, i lost any arousal. I didn't even orgasmed nor edged. I simply turned it off and did something else.
    I simply lost all interest in porn. The whole game worked when i was alone, and i could be humiliated for not having any girl. Strange as it is, that was really turning me on. But now, after i felt in love with T, spent an amazing time with her, now it is all changed, the humiliation talk just words with no meaning.

    Months ago, in a situation like this, i would immediately fall for porn, because it was my safe place. Now i wanted to fall there, just to get a bit better, but it is just not working anymore. So i feel free, normal. It took me a long time, but finally i am in the place i craved for ages.
     

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