The Old Tale -- This time with a different ending!!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TheNewBorn, May 4, 2013.

  1. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    It warms my heart to see how far you've come, TNB! I'm glad to hear you consider yourself healed. You inspire me to do the very same.

    Mega kudos, man. Keep pushing
     
  2. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    Seems like I missed this. Well done man I occasionally checked your journal entries and its nice to see most of all you enjoyed the bonding experience with your girlfriend after sex as well as the sex.
     
  3. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    Great job man! I'm very happy for you and reading your post really gave me motivation to not give up ;)
     
  4. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    @Forgotten, gameover, Apeman: Thank you guys, for your support and encouragement, you're the best :)

    Well, i wish i could fill this post with more good news, but the problem is i am at an empasse.. But let me tell the whole story: basically, about one month ago, i started having sex. Things were great, i was able to have proper and fullfilling intercourse(although not very long still :p ). ED seemed to be solved and i was happy. So happy i thought, i need some rewards, and started again the marijuana-drinking cycle i used to be in last winter(and many many times more).. I didn't go for porn, though, i didn't needed it.

    Then i left town, went for well deserved travelling, and came back once a week or so, and then left again. I travelled because i needed a break, and because i got the chance, and it is never a bad thing. When i came back, two weeks ago, i saw T for the first time after 3 weeks: i thought now finally i can have sex again, as my balls were as blue as they can get. But she wasn't the same opinion. She said something about having been apart for long. Well, i said, ok, i can wait a few more days, but i didn't account for my old friend, porn addiction. It started small, with older scenes, and fastly progressed back to what i was into a few months ago.

    I kept dating T, seeing her without getting too close and giving her the time she needed. Last week we slept together: she came to mine, and we talked a while, then got to bed. Tireness and maybe a bit too much weed prevented us to go further than kissing and cuddling. Neither of us minded this, as time for sex can come later. My worries started yesterday evening. We went to a pub with a couple of friends, but she ignored me, even pushing me away when i tried to touch her. I do not know why she did it, but i got depressed, and when i arrived home, i relapsed once more. So i have decided to start rebooting again. By this i mean the whole package of techniques and tools i have learned in this forum...

    So, the plan is the usual, get rid of anything that is addictive(including reducing cigarettes and cutting weed to zero), keep busy with reading and writing and studying, doing sports etc. Keep on seeing T, and try to have sex if it comes to that.

    I'll have to post frequently, so 'till soon!
     
  5. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    You have a pretty intriguing journal.
    It's a downer that you relapsed like that, pressures from the external are sometimes more influential than the urges from within.
    You don't seem to be too stressed about it, but rather you seem to have confidence in the future. I like that. Staying productive with reading, writing, and sports is the best way to improve yourself and also to form better habits than the detrimental ones that we have habituated.
    You said in an earlier post that you have trouble with getting too attached with girls upon meeting. I am the same way. It has had tragic consequences for me. I'm trying to change my mindset so that I'm looking at girls initially in the same way I would view a cousin, or a girl friend. If something romantic happens, then as a guy switching the mindset would be ridiculously easy.

    This girl, T, seems to be a handful, at least from the last post, she shouldn't be able to influence you like that. She was the main reason for your earlier relapse, don't let the exterior affect your interior. Especially such an exterior force.
    I like to use a lot of symbols in my language.

    I look forward to your development.
     
  6. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    Hey thanks for your words Cammorrow. I agree: i must learn detachment, do not let despair take me at the first sign something doesn't go right. I am trying a form of meditation, in which i imagine scenarios in which i loose something, and completely stop caring about it.



    I am pissed about the last relapse, but it is nothing but a chance to do this thing right for once. One problem is that i have troubles to resist when urges come. Until they are not there it's all right, but at moments i just fall into a pit, and getting out is trouble. I have also cravings for sex, which is something new. The same feeling i get when i think about porn develop when i think about all the foreplay, touching, kissing that comes when you are in bed with your girl.

    This is why i am not going to hold back, with T, with friends, with work, i will not let the last relapses influence the things i achieved before it. It was silly, it was predictable, it was stupid and it won't happen again.
     
  7. pimpetry

    pimpetry Have more fun!

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    You need to gain more willpower.
    Read the book called The Willpower Instict. It's scientific, yet practical.
    You can check out the author's google talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5BXuZL1HAg
    (it does NOT cover everything that's being discussed in the book)
     
  8. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    More than willpower i would call it self-discipline.. But you got the point, i'll check out the book!
     
  9. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    The ancient stoics were big on this! I think it's a good idea.

    Sorry to hear about your relapse, but I'm happy to hear you're getting right back to Fapstronautic business. I think eventually we've got to learn how to relapse. That is to say, how to let it be the minor slip it could be, and just soldier on like nothing happened (though still learning something!)
     
  10. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    I was there, but then it all felt apart . . .

    I was there with her, naked in the warmest place on hearth, our bodies touching, everything i have ever longed for within the reach of my grasp. But i couldn't go through, i couldn't get it up. When i was on the bus, riding to her place, i had a bad feeling, knowing i relapsed last saturday, knowing i looked at a porn website this morning. But i kept repeating myself i could make it work, porn and sex at the same time. Why not, i thought, how many do it? By the thousands you count them. I will write my story and everybody would say, 'look you can make it work.'

    How wrong i was. How stupid i was.

    How could that be? You don't simply get away with the wife drunk and the bottle full, no that's not how life works. You got to chose, every time you need to chose. When ed showed up, like my old enemy that i had forgotten, i wanted to cry, but then i thought: there is nobody to blame for this, but me. I watched those clips last week, i typed down the name of the websites this morning. Me, nobody else. I always knew what risk i was running against, and i walked anyway, because i thought i could make it work, in spite of what everybody else was saying.

    But...

    I get a second chance: after my failure, the evening was less wired than i thought. She showed compassion, we cuddled for an hour. We spoke of many things, avoiding to talk of anything that has happened. And that's why i know i haven't lost her, not just yet.

    So maybe i can set this thing straight, for good. No more alcohol, except a few beers, no more weed alone(now i smoke everyday), no more computer, except for work and the occasional movie.

    I am going to read. I want to absorb knowledge and to use my imagination. Nothing more than books, music and climbing.

    And i am eager to start.
     
  11. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    She's not gone! You know what must be done. Time to kick it into overdrive.
     
  12. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    Yep, i know. And i am doing it.

    I started the past two days with lots of reading, but alas i couldn't give up marijuana. It is hard to have it in your room when you have decided to quit. And it is even harder when your friends are stoners...
    But i have not given up on that either: in 2-3 more days i will have finished what i got left and then i can make a more serious effort.

    I have finally finished the last book i was reading(that i started last summer! ), which makes me feel good. I have ordered online a ed disfunction chemical, not viagra or cialis, i went for something a bit more mild, as erections and morning wood are a daily thing. Perhaps i only need the extra boost.

    The failure was not such a bad thing, if i hadn't failed i would have continued to play, trying to bring together porn and a fair sex life. ANd i would have walked even further down the path of misery.

    I am not confident yet to meet T on sexual grounds, but perhaps a rewiring date is what i need. Having fun together and some kissing cannot be harmful.

    Let's see where this brings me.
     
  13. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    Definitely keep making an effort to quit the marijuana. I have a friend who used to smoke marijuana regularly and it was severely impacting his memory and concentration. He used to not be able to even remember what day of the week it was. Once he stopped everything improved greatly.

    Also, I like the title of your journal. Having a sense of entitlement is a slippery slope.
     
  14. TheHighRiser

    TheHighRiser Shaman, take my hand.

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    Emailfuture huh? Sounds awesome!
     
  15. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    @BruceWayne: Thanks and yes, i know the effects that smoking too much yields. Although i am a hard smoker, those effects are far from being seen on me. I used marijuana as a sort of medicine, to help with depression and anxiety. But i am starting to screw up, not only on the porn recovery side, but also in my normal routines. Being late or foggy and less concentrated have become daily things, so it is time to quit.

    @TheHighRiser: I am not sure where you read that, but it is possible through several services, we can set k9 with a random password and mail it to the future.

    Day 6

    Ok, i am definitely doing better. I have kept away from the pc lately, instead reading and studying. I found out that meditation doesn't exactly fit my scheme. I slightly suffer from being hyperactive: i can rarely stay still without moving, and i need to do something all the time. This explains why i have trouble meditating. But i have come to an arrangement, and instead of meditating i take a long walk, 30-40 min, listening to music and avoid thinking. It helped yesterday when i had to stay inside the house the whole day. Instead i breathed some air which made me feel better.

    I feel confident to call T, and ask her on a non sexual date. I thought that with her i have never experienced ED before this week, so she is probably wondering why did it happen, and most certainly she will blame herself, at least at first. And me afterwards. We will be drawn apart: forcing a new attempt to have sex right now could destroy our relationship, in particular if not successful. On the other hand, having fun together, but without holding up on touching and kissing may bring back some sexual tension. If i notice erections during this time, i will be more confident.

    And tonight i will go to the gym, building up some testosterone and releasing some energy that rebooting is giving me.

    Perhaps i have discovered a new insight in my mind, i took a few tests and it turns out i might be schizotypal, in other words i misinterpret social conventions and isolate myself, but feel this as only being eccentric or anti conformist. I have unconventional views of the word and i tend to perceptual and/or interpretation distortions. It fits, within a certain range, and may explain why i reject following advices and make deep connections.

    Interesting discoveries, i will keep an eye out on how to cure this disfunction and consider therapy in the long term future. . .
     
  16. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- No more mister "should have"

    Day 7

    After a whole load of thinking and rethinking, i have accepted what had happened, and concluded it was a necessary albeit frustrating experience. Since i started my reboot last year, i always had in mind being cured from ED, and i did. I managed to have proper sex. But the idea of using and keep on using porn has never left my mind. I used to picture myself, married and with children, sneaking out whenever i got the chance and rub one out. It would have been my little secret. And everybody has some secret, right? Right.

    Now i know that kind of life is just not possible, porn and weed are incompatible with the life i've chosen. Although it required a painful realization, i am now convinced of this, 100%. My dreams have switched: now i picture myself free from porn, as i have never been. Months from now i may be single again, perhaps feeling down again, but i will have the company of my ultimate persona, free from addictions, living a simple and fulfilling life.

    [The following might be triggering for people into femdom]

    I had built a chastity device a couple of month ago, it was a devilish thing: i used to watch several videos, prior to this week, and prevent myself from masturbating by wearing a constraining tube around my dick. It really got me off having my erections constrained into that little tube. It took me a while before cutting off that last link with my addicted self. But i did it, i burned the damn thing, and watched as the purifying flame destroyed what used to be the symbol of my addiction.

    [End of the triggers]

    Also, i have now in my hand a set of chemicals, naturally produced, that should be helpful against ED. With the help of that and a bit of luck i should be able to get sexual again with T, if not today or tomorrow, at least once in the coming week.
     
  17. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    There is symbolic significance to burning your last tangible link to the addiction. Best of luck with T, mate.
     
  18. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    There is, and thanks :) Burning something not only means you throw it away, but it really means you are destroying it! So i did with that token of my being an addicted masturbator.

    Day 8 -- Getting into the bulk

    Today was my first day without marijuana, i believe in the last month. If i consider only days in which i was in my place and didn't smoked, today is the first since january! It took me a while to realize it, but finally i understand that being a marijuana addict is just another point in the list that has to be unchecked.

    I do experience some mild withdrawal, as a generally bad mood, emptiness, and episodes of anger. I know what it is due to, i know it will pass.

    I hit the gym later in the afternoon, meet a couple of friends there, and had a beer.

    After all, today was a good day, and many more are coming... I don't need any substance to enjoy life, none of us does.
     
  19. pimpetry

    pimpetry Have more fun!

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    Lol. Last month I smoked some weed after about a year of absistence and afterwards I CRAVED it all the time for weeks.

    Everybody says "you cannot get addicted to weed". FALSE. I smoked tons of weed a couple of years ago (and I mean A LOT) and now, after only one occasion I started to crave it as fuck.

    It feels good to smoke weed. If you get stoned, you can relax, you don't need to stress about your problems, you can simply fucking avoid them. "It's okay, I'm going to do something about them later, it's all good" It's not all good. Marijuana can fuck up your life (or at least make it very very difficult and even worse) if you smoke weed as a lifestyle.

    Yes, if you only smoke now and then, and you only use it to gain some inspiration etc then it's okay. But if you have already abused it, do you think you can do that? Who you want to kid bro?

    It's not "easy" to give up weed. But you must.

    It's the same as porn. You can have a life with them, but if your life is already miserable, they are going to just make it worse.

    And you can struggle with them as most of the people for YEARS until you finally make the breakthrough or you can decide it HERE AND NOW that you are going to live without them and never turn back.

    It's your choice, your responsibility.
     
  20. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: The third stage of evolution -- End of games

    It's funny how you had told me the same things many times, but i never seemed to be listening. Now i do, and of course i am also cutting weed. I have been clean 2 days now, and i plan to go a couple of weeks before even considering smoking again, that's for sure. So far it was not easy, and today i really had to put some cards into play to avoid buying it again. But it is the right thing to do: in a matter of months i want to be completely free from anything addictive...
     

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