The Old Tale -- This time with a different ending!!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TheNewBorn, May 4, 2013.

  1. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Hi to all!

    I am 23 years old, and i think my past is not so important now as my future is right now. Still, for the sake of the argument: i have lived a life worth living until now, and i am happy with it. I am fairly healthy, i do a lot of sport, in school i always did good and i have good friends. Wonderful right? Yes, except for one thing, i am single and i never had sex with a girl. I had girlfriends, but when i found myself in bed with them, thanks to ED, i was never able to attempt penetration. For the time being, we did "other stuff", with mouth and hands, but i guess at some point the whole thing became boring or the connection i had with those girls couldn't reach a good level, and as a consequence we always broke up eventually. In the beginning i thought ED was due to lack of experience, but then i discovered YBOP and that porn addiction may be the cause of the problem. I indeed tried to stop as soon as i found out, but i couldn't go past 30 days.
    I must say i have a tendency to addictive behaviour, i smoke, both pot and cigarettes, and i have been caught into drinking a lot for some time. On top of that, there is of course porn addiction.
    To complete the picture, the porn i use is tipically humiliation porn, lots of femdom and POV videos mostly. My fetish, however, didn't start at some point in the escalation, but i am sure it was always there.

    [Trigger alert: the following may be triggering for some people]

    I remember having at age 15(not yet into porn, but addictively into jerking) a vivid dream about a friend of mine having sex with i girl i was into, and i was watching. In the dream i was then forced to humiliate myself by buying them drinks so that they could have fun at my expenses, and the only reward for me was sitting and jerking. The dream ended with them laughing at me. I had more of those fantasies before i started with porn and actually discovered there is a huge business that exploits this fetishes.
    This means that no matter what i do, my sexuality won't change, because it is intrinsic in me, but i will do whatever it takes to contain this wired side of me.

    [End of triggering part]

    I have no idea why this wired sexuality is a part of me, but i guess that is something i have to live with and only contain. So, if somebody has similar problems and advices they would be welcome.

    Except for the wired sexual thoughts and ED i have found little other consequences of porn addiction: i am still quite sociable, and i do not have trouble opening myself up to new people or girls. I am a little shy when it comes to dating girls and asking them out, but maybe because i have little experience in that sense. Also, i have problems disappointing people, or making them angry: i seldom say no, both to friends and complete strangers. Still, i noticed that my confidence and stamina go down when i intensively use porn, while they go up when i stop for a while.

    Having said that, i come to the main point: reboot. I already tried, almost for one year now, on my own, and i have made good progresses. Now i use porn on average once every week and a half, while when i started it was everyday to say the least. I have tried to get more social, go out more and as a result i dated a few girls and went as far as second base with two of them(since reboot started). But it is not enough. I wat to put a cross on this addiction, to call myself free, and find a girlfriend to be happy with. My life has not ended yet, and hope for the future is still possible.

    I cannot do this on my own, though, i have to receive support and add some techniques to improve the quality of my reboot.
    At this moment, i have installed protection on my computer, a cute program named selfcontrol(for mac) and selfvault on my windows partition(both recommended by the way :) ). Those are programs that allow you to make a black list of sites you do not want to visit for a certain amount of time. There is just no way of disabling them before the timer ends, and i currently set it to 1 month. Of course this does not prevent me from checking new websites i didn't know of, but anyway it is working pretty well. There are still some ways to look at porn, there always are, but at least i can contain myself(and improve protection by updating the blacklist).

    The situation doesn't look too bad, i just moved to a new country in february, to do a master, so i have the chance of actually starting with a new life, i have good opportunity to meet girls and to put myself to the test when it comes to getting out of my comfort zone.
    The first step is reaching 2 weeks, starting last tuesday, so i am currently on day 4. I have no moral issue with masturbation itself, so i will keep doing it, the important part is to avoid porn, humiliation porn.

    I think this can conclude this brief introduction, i will update this as soon as i get the chance.
     
  2. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    Ok, not much of a "long walk" so far, but this was predicted. Today i relapsed, fully and completely i gave in, but i decided to do it as a last time, like if this was my last cigarette. I sat at my desk, studying, unable to concentrate; so i thought, i can allow myself one final PMO, because now that i write on this forum, the whole reboot is much more serious, people are actually going to know when i fail(am i assuming too much here?) and i will feel guilty lying and disappointing others..
    Was that such a bad idea? Probably yes, i was on day 4, now i am on day 0.. But now i am good for a clean start, no matter what happened in the past, tomorrow is the day the walking begins.

    So here i am, an addict that, with some nostalgia, salutes his addiction, knowing that it is for the best. And from tomorrow, new life starts, reborn...
     
  3. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: A Long Walk

    Hey NewBorn, welcome to the Resistance!
    Sounds like you were able to get past your internet filters pretty handily. May I suggest K9? (http://www1.k9webprotection.com/)
    It's free, mac-friendly, and powerful. It'll block the sites you tell it to, PLUS the ones you haven't found yet. It also gives you the option to disable internet access for certain hours of the day, which is good if you're a guy with a weakness for mind-numbing browsing and ultimate relapse in the wee hours of the morning (it was a problem for me).

    Make sure you give control of the password to someone you trust, OR you can make the password a bunch of random letters and numbers, and then copy/paste it into EmailFuture (http://www.emailfuture.com/), so you'll receive the password at some point in future (say, 150 days from now).

    Deciding to quit porn sets you apart from most other men. Good luck on your journey!
     
  4. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    Hi Apeman!

    Thanks for your answer :) Yes, i've heard of k9, but haven't tried yet, the idea of the password sent in the future is good, i'll take it!
     
  5. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    Hello World!

    The sun is shining in the sky, and i am ready to start this journey. The first thing i am going to do is establishing a set of routines to be completed everyday, in order to distract myself. I know for experience that cravings hit me the hardest in the morning, so here is my plan: wake up at a decent time, 8:30-9:00, unless of course i go partying. Have a nice breakfast, a shower and shaving, then hit the books for a while and go to lesson will be routine from today. I have the habit of watching something at the computer in the morning, but when i am at the computer, just a few clicks away from porn, the risk of a relapse is very high, so no computer before 12 o'clock from now on. Today is an exception since i just came up with this idea :p
    Next step, going out of the house: the more i stay at home, alone, the more likely to check those damn porn websites. The options are numerous, i only need to choose between library, gym, having a coffee with friends or simply a walk/run in the park. To absolutely avoid: long periods of doing nothing in my bed. While writing this, i am making a list on a paper of stuff i want to do daily, that i can check everyday for inspiration.
    This should do for a while :) In this first period, my first focus will be containing cravings and reach a balanced lifestyle. Timetables are important to me, because i always find myself overcharged with stuff to do, both for school or free time, and as a consequence i become stressed. Now i will try to take some time for doing everything: cooking is relaxing, so preparing a good, healthy meal already does part of the job. To go to university, i need half an hour, let's make it 35 minutes so i can bike calmly.
    Finally, bedtime: every night i find myself randomly browsing the web after 12 pm, just before going to bed. So i make a rule to turn of internet after 11:30 pm, i think there is this option in k9 that i can use. To relax in the evening i can watch movies or read a book. Actually, lets make the book reading time 11:30, so i can go to bed earlier.
    In this phase i do not yet seek dating, or improving my social skills, for now i only focus on balance and keeping the routines running.
    That's it for now, according to my schedule is cooking time now :)
     
  6. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: A Long Walk

    This is good! K9 does indeed have the option of blocking the internet at whatever time of day you choose.
    I like the simplicity and straightforwardness of your routine. You decision to focus on establishing and maintaining the routine in these early stages is sound. You're focusing on doing one thing at a time, and doing it right and that's GOOD!
     
  7. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    @Apeman: Thanks for your post and your support! I indeed believe that change do not occur all of a sudden, but are a result of a smooth change in one's life, and that only through steps taken calmly and relaxing i can truly change my lifestyle. At least for me this is what seems to work.

    Only a quick post for day 2: i respected all my rules today, plus i had breakfast outside, since it was warm enough, so i started the day in a better way than usual, and i am happy with that. Later i'll go for a run, to break the afternoon, and tonight i will go playing as i do almost every monday. Since it is a very good day, i'll go also studying at the park and enjoy the sun for a while.. I am very happy with my mood today even though it is day 2 and i have not been hit too hard by cravings(only this morning, slightly, but since internet was down, i was safe :) )
     
  8. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    Day 3

    A high risk day so far, because i stayed at home, no lectures and anyway no big reasons to go out. But: i woke up this morning and went for a run(after breakfast, not the way to do that :) ). That definitely raised my mood upwards. True i spent all the rest of the time at home, but internet was down until 12, and after that i only spend a few moments surfing, facebook, mails etc. The rest of the time i enjoyed talking with my roommates, studying and enjoying the sun on my balcony. Later today, i'll go to the gym, since i am not really tired from the run, and dine with a friend of mine. This should do it.

    This new order is really good: instead of being all day in bed like i used to do, i can do more things, and stay away from computer.
     
  9. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    Day 4

    Until now it was childplay for me, since in the last year i manage to reduce my masturbation frequency from several times a day to once-twice a week. Now is when the real game starts..

    I decided to go for a 30 days MO free, on top of porn-free-for-life, because since i was 14 i never went so long without masturbation. And i think i need to at least see what that feels like. I do not believe in a totally orgasm free reboot, because our brain is designed to experience orgasms once in a while. But a few months without orgasming are definitely possible and encouraged in porn addicts, so that's my objective. 26 more days to go :)

    Except for this i do not have much to report. Yesterday ended with me crashing into bed at 12:00 because all the physical activity made me very tired. It is good, because i avoided to fool around until late and today i woke up earlier.
    Nice.. The routines i have established seem to give me a good rhythm during the day, but it does not yet come naturally to me to respect them, they feel like rules, imposition. But i guess with time this feeling will go away.
     
  10. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    Day 6

    The bad news is: i cannot install k9 on my mac.. Probably because i already disabled the systems files in the past(i know i am stupid :p ) and now it is not possible to rewrite them again.. Well, i'll continue without. Those programs are not very useful to me anyway, because being a geek i know already how to disable them without password.

    Except for that, i am doing great. I spent 2 days hanging around in the sun, running and playing music with friends. Study has been out of the equation, but i am planning to go back on track this sunday..

    Every day now is made of pieces, glued together: when i am home, i spend very little time randomly browsing, because i always have something to use to fight boredom.

    I am not really 100% following my rules, for example, i check emails and fb in the morning, before 12. I need to do that because most of my friends prefer to send me messages there instead of using the phone and i don't want to feel excluded. Also, i didn't really kept the promise of reading before going to bed. Instead, i watched a few cool movies. The bright side is i am no longer using internet after 11 pm, and that is good. I am not going to beat myself down for this reasons, instead, i will do my best to keep my rules applied, but treat them more like good advices, instead of real rules.

    As for reported consequences of the reboot, i don't feel any so far, flatline has yet to come, and i am not so horny. I am optimistic, though, reboot will work. Cravings are there, almost everyday i face them, and there was an high risk moment yesterday when i seriously considered spending my evening watching porn. However, i found a few phrases i can repeat when that happens: "Pornstars are not princesses to be served, but cheap and low class women", "The future has to be built step by step" etc. It seems stupid, but they work for me.

    Last, tomorrow will be 1st week milestone, something to be proud of. To be positive, i try to reward myself even if the accomplishment is small, and not beat myself down when i have a small failure. The obstacles to be surpassed in this walk are too many to focus on small things.

    That does it for the day, sorry for the wall of text :)
     
  11. CapadonnaK

    CapadonnaK Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    Hey bro first of all just want to say that stopping PMO is one of the best decisions you will make. I'm still not out of addiction but I am the same age as you and it is the same problem and realisation that I have PIED that made me discover YBOP and YBR.

    It is so hard to resist the temptation and what has become habit for us. Just today I've been sitting in the house alone and have been tempted to PMO or even just MO to a music video on MTv. The main thing is to avoid these situations. Just walk outside or turn off the TV. My record is 28 days which I achieved through willpower alone but this was not strong enough and I went back to my old ways.

    I would advise you to install openDNS, if you don't want K9 browser, as this blocks all adult websites. However I still found myself fapping to google images and a YouTube video once.

    So we need to develop that willpower bro and it will change our lives for the better. Best of luck to you.
     
  12. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    Hi CapadonnaK!

    Thanks for your words, really appreciate. True, willpower isn't enough.. I already have installed SelfControl, that blocks websites from a list you make, but i wanted k9 to be more protected.. I'll try openDSN, thanks..

    I agree that staying at home is the worst to resist temptation, that's why until i feel more confortable i'll stay out as much as possible.. Have you tried going out for running or walking? I've found it relaxing and really makes me avoid browsing the web for porn..

    I believe we have within ourself the strength to beat porn addiction, we just need to find it :)
     
  13. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: A Long Walk

    I've found getting out and wandering about to be very helpful too, NewBorn. It's funny, because when I'm deciding whether or not to do it, a big part of my brain is saying "that sounds BORRRRRING." But then I force myself to go out, and all of a sudden I find myself thinking, "huh. this is really nice, actually."
    I guess what I'm saying is that we're often very poor judges of what will make us happy. It takes a little courage to give something new a chance.
     
  14. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    You couldn't be more right :) When i started going running it was a pain to go out of the house.. Now i still feel a bit lazy for going, but i force myself to do it because in the end i like it.. Same with staying at home, laying in the bed all day, and randomly browsing internet.. There is something better to do, there always is!
     
  15. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    Day 8

    What a day yesterday.. Went to a concert, then to a disco, we finished at 4 o'clock eating at a friend's place :p Plus, there is a girl i like, and maybe she likes me back. We talked a lot yesterday, small talk, but i made her laugh a lot :) She gave me some signals, touching me etc, and a few times i saw her looking at me when we were not talking.. But, i am still in a early phase of rebooting, so i don't wanna screw up. I will keep spend time with her and see how it goes, without having big hopes, if it happens it happens.

    Today is a high risk day: hangover, tired, guilty because i probably won't study today as well, and confined at home because of the weather, the perfect storm that made me fail in the past.. No panic though: I'll clean the room, play a computer game, watch some series, and try to stick some knowledge in my head. Maybe i'll chat with the girl from yesterday, if she's online..

    Let's hold on tight, this ship has just set sail ;)
     
  16. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: A Long Walk

    Keep going mate build a long streak. Your ED will improve.
     
  17. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    That's right.. I also want to see what other consequences not PMOing for a long time will bring. For now i have more energy and i am slightly more confident. Hell, since i was 15 the longest time without PMO was 2 weeks, when i was going on a vacation with my family.. Usually in those times i found a moment to MO to fantasies because i simply couldn't stand staying so much without porn.
    Now i am on day 9, and even if it wasn't a piece of cake so far, it wasn't too hard either.. And now i can also use the argument: "Are you going to waste all the effort so far in 5 minutes?" which should be pretty solid..
     
  18. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    Today has been a surprise: started off like all mondays, depressing because the weekend is over( :p ) but i managed to turn it over by cleaning my room and do some study..

    I have looked at some images(nothing harmful i think, no nudity..). I did it to see if i could handle triggers: surprisingly i got a mild erection after a few minutes, so i decided to close the tab and go on the balcony. It is interesting to note that i am not horny during normal days activities, but a few pictures were enough to make me excited.. I interpret this as a positive sign..

    Still moving forward in my 30 days no fap challenge. I am positive and determined: my life is looking more organized and overall more enjoyable ;) But i will post frequently nevertheless, because this forum is kind of becoming a substitute to my random browsing.. I frequently encounter moments when i do not want to do anything, and filling those gaps reading stories, giving and receiving advices and updating my journal is really therapeutic for me..
     
  19. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    Day 11

    I have some thoughts i want to share.

    Reality is subjective. So truth is and all concepts. What is the truth about me? Only thing that matter is what truth i accept. What reality i accept.

    Fact: i never had vaginal sex with a woman. But i am not defined by not having had vaginal sex. I want to do it, but that aspect is not completely determining who i am now. I am a virgin and a lot of other things. I also never did bungee jumping. I want to do bungee jumping. Why is comparing bungee jumping with having had sex ridiculous? Because nobody will ever imagine that having done or not bungee jumping can be a big issue for somebody.

    What is important is what is for me, not for somebody else, not for society. So a correct statement would be: "i have never done bungee jumping and i never had vaginal sex with a woman". Which is also incorrect. See the point? The "correct" statement is not, in any way, different than saying: "I am an independent, fairly athletic, clever guy". So i can pick what i want. I pick the second statement. It suits me better, it defines me better. This is the power we have over ourselves. We cannot make the world do what we want, but we can consider ourselves what we want, we can decide what matter and what doesn't.
     
  20. TheNewBorn

    TheNewBorn Guest

    Re: A Long Walk

    Hey, day 12..

    Feeling negative today. I haven't been so good yesterday, probably because of lack of sleep and mental lucidity. I cannot think clear.

    Today is one of those days when i don't feel 100% belonging to reality. I feel detached, apathetic. I look outside, it is raining, i don't want to go out. But you know what? I will. I am forcing myself to the shower, a cold shower that wakes me up.

    I know what the problem is. Too much marijuana. I smoked in the past week more than i am used to, so today i cut. I cut for a week, possibly even more. I don't need to be a pot addicted, i enjoy smoking, but it is influencing my life, so let's go back to no weed or little weed...
     

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