The NoFap chronicles.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Mr-NoFap, Oct 3, 2013.

  1. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    It's been more than 8 months since my last PMO session. Crazy to think about really.

    I have both great as well as not so great news, but overall it's good news :)

    First of, the great news! : **Trígger warning**!
    The girl I've been seeing came by to spend the night on Friday. She surprised me with a gift where she changed clothes and came back wearing a naughty Santa girl costume, complete with garder belts and no underwear. Needles to say that I was very surprised as this was actually something I never imagined experiencing, yet being a really naughty fantasy.
    I remember when I was a teenager, before being caught up in too much porn, I sometimes wondered how I would be able to have sex when my dick was as hard as it was because it was impossible to move it downwards into a sex position as I had seen in porn magazines. My erection was thay hard! For the last many, many years I have never given those thoughts another thought as I had no problem in moving my penis down into position even though I had a hard n. On Friday, for the first time in 10 years I think, my dick was just as hard as when I was a teenager. I could not move it down into position without it hurting a little bit, so I had to change my angle of vaginal entry in order to have sex. I cannot remember that I have felt so much joy and complete amazement at once!
    **Trigger end**

    That was the good news. The not so good news are that I still suffer from being too aware of my PIED and how turned on I am at the moment I should feel turned on. I knew that I was turned on but still it was lacking a little bit. What's even worse is that I could not feel my penis even though I had the hardest of hardons. I couldn't feel if it was up or down as it was not a throbbing erection even if it could cut through steel. That means that I still have an enormous diconnect between my brain and my penis which sucks!
    Furthermore, my libido is still not very high and my refractory period is just horrible. I even think that it is worse this time around than the last time. I still don't have morning wood either. I am perfectly aware that reading about my rock hard dick and then hear me whine about low libido and long refractory periods will make some people annoyed as they cannot get it up at all. My sympathy and empathy goes out to you but I am rebooting for low libido which caused me inability to maintain an erection and until that libido returns and I have regular morning wood I will not consider myself rebooted.

    An example of the libido I used to have would be that I was meeting up with my ex-gf yesterday to do some Cristmas shopping and we had texted a bit about having sex just for the fun of it over the last week or so. The reason why we didn't end up having sex was because I was stalling it and thinking about the consequences of having sexual relations with the girl I spent 5 years of my life with and who broke my heart earlier this year. If I had my old libido I would not give a flying fuck about the consequences or the new girl that I'm seeing. I would just jump at the chance of having sex with my ex-gf. Many will probably say that it was the responsible and sensible thing to do and that I am a grown-up and should act as one as well. But I say fuck that because I want a libido where it's my dick that does the thinking and not my brain. Wishing that kind of stuff instead of thinking about consequences, like I am doing, is the result of being a complete asexual for years before rebooting. Fucked up - I know!

    regardless, I am extremely happy with my erection quality on Friday and I really hope that it will be just as good the next time around.

    Merry X-Mas to all!
     
  2. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    This is awesome! I'm looking forward to the day when my own erectile strength returns to this level. As for the low libido, I completely hear you. Going no O helps a bit with this, but it only comes in waves. Mostly I only feel sexual when in a sexual situation. I completely relate to wanting to feel uninhibited and just going for it.

    Merry Christmas, MrNF! Hope you have a great holiday.
     
  3. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    This! Exactly this! I feel exactly the same way as I do not think or feel sexual in my daily life, even when seeing or talking to a beautiful woman. I know that my junk works when it needs to and that it is pointless to wish that things were different with regards to feeling sexual more often. I stumbled over this guy's excellent post over at r/nofap: http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1skm4m/26m_some_thoughts_on_libido_after_recovering_from/

    I think that he really has a point and I will probably arrive at the same conclusion before this year is over if my libido has not returned to the levels I remembered it to be back in the day. I think it's weird to not be turned on on a daily basis and I don't mean turned on like I pitch a tent in my pants everytime there is a light breeze, but when seeing a beautiful woman I would at least expect more of a response than I have right now. I do notice women more now than I did before my reboot but as I have previously wondered in this journal, or somewhere else, that I might only notice women because I feel like I should be noticing them instead of noticing them because they are beautiful. I don't know which it is and that bugs me!
    Anyways, I could really relate to that sentence Human and it's good to know that I'm not the only one, well me and 38years too. I hope that you had a great holiday:)

    Nothing much has happened since the last time I posted. I have not had the chance to have sex again since the last time but I assume that I will get some on sunday when the girl I'm seeing stops by for a short visit. I really hope that I will have the same kind of erection quality as the last time but that the disconnect this time will be less severe. I know that even thinking about it might influence the chance of it actually happening but that's the other shitty part of this PIED thing which gives you a healthy dose of PA. Thanks for that - it's just what we need :mad:

    It's a new year and with a new year comes the possibility of creating new things and new habits. As everyone of us here know, there is no reason to wait for a new year to begin in order to make changes. However, I hopefully turned in the last paper for the university that I ever have to do before Christmas and I can now turn a new leaf in my life and try to look for a job instead of being a student. I see this change as a great chance to also change other things in my life to the better. I am not depressed or saddened by my life but there are certainly areas that needs improving.
    Having gone cold turkey on PMO shows me that I have it in me to change long standing habits and be more like the man I want to be. I just finished reading Napoleon Hill's "Outwitting the Devil" and I strongly recommend it to anyone who wants to make a change in their life. I know that selfhelp books aren't the answer to anything but they are a tool to help you reach your goal.

    I have gotten back on a low carb diet in order to lose weight and eat more healthy, I am considering buying a book on mindfulness as others on this great forum seem to have had very positive experiences with this technique and I will also join a gym for the first time in years on monday.
    Now I know that all of these things sound like great New Year's resolutions that are only a few weeks away from being failed resolutions and that I might be trying to change too much too fast. But I see it as an overall approach and that all those things are interconnected in attempting to create a better version of me. I have failed New Years resolutions before and I believe that it was because I only tried to change one thing in a complex object instead of trying to remake the entire object into a more solid and more steamlined structure. Only time will tell if I succeed in changing but I hope so. I feel like an old man because of atrophied muscles due to being a couch potato for years and my mind could probably benefit from trying to be more mindfull and present in the moment and both my mind and body will certainly benefit from a better diet.

    Now that's a load of things to get done in the course of the coming year but now it's in my journal and if I should ever lose sight of my goal or my approach I know that I have it right here.
    I hope that everyone had some great holidays and that we will all be healed in 2014! Happy New Year YBR!
     
  4. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Just stopping by to make a little update even though there isn't a lot to update on.
    I'm going through a tough time mentally because I want to break up with the girl I've been seeing for the last 4 months as I don't feel like we have anything in common and she wants a relationship and I don't. She knows that I want to move to another country, as I told her when we first met, but she still wants to turn me around and make me go into a relationship with her.
    Another thing is that we live three hours from each other and only see each other like once a month. That leads me to what bothers me the most because I'm not keen on traveling upwards to 7 hours and spending approximately 150$ on the commute just to break up with her, so I'm thinking of doing it over the phone which makes me feel like a real lowlife. To be fair she did kind of sort of dump me over text about three weeks ago but somehow, i still don't understand, we stayed together and now I really want out of it.
    The problem is that I'm too much of a nice guy and I hate letting people down and hurting them, the ones I care about a least, and that makes it really tough for me to break up with her. I know that I have to because I don't have those feelings for her, but damn how I hate these situations.

    I was with her last week and we had sex 4 times over a three day period. The first time was great. The second time okay and the last two times sucked. My dick wasn't fully erect and I thought about it constantly. It was nothing like it was when she came to visit me before Christmas where it was so hard that I couldnt believe it.

    I am beginning to think that I have actually been in a flatline since October as I was far more interested in sex during the summer and september and early October. I think that the many orgasms I have had with this girl have really slowed my progress down. I remember searching for possibilities for casual hookups and spending a lot of time finding women on the net who wanted to have a one time ting back then and now m not interested in that anymore. I think I might need to go for another no O streak.

    On an unrelated matter I forgot to write a reminder to myself in my last journal entry that I had a wet dream on January 30th 2013 which was something like wet dream number 5 or 6 since the start of my reboot and the first ones in years. I have very little libido these days and I really think I should try a new no O streak and hopefully be ready for the summer:)
     
  5. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Always good to hear from you, MrNF! Good luck with your current situation. They always seem so clear cut to everyone on the outside, but when you're in it, it's really tough. :mad:

    So lately I've been really trying to eliminate masturbation from my life once for all. My idea was that going back to easy mode would help my reboot because it would prevent me from fapping/edging in the middle of the night when my defenses are lowest. However, reading your post makes me rethink this.

    Three quick questions: First, have you really gone your entire reboot without masturbating once? If so, that's amazing and congratulations. Second, do you ever have issues with waking up fapping or anything akin to that? And third, how many no O streaks have you had, and what was your longest?

    You've been at this about 3 months longer than I have. Personally, I can't believe how low my libido is these days. Much of the time it's non existent to the point that the idea of sex just seems like a total hassle and not a turn on at all. Glad to know that I'm not the only one with 6+ months under my belt still in a flatline.

    For what it's worth, breaking up by phone is actually perfectly acceptable these days, as most people do it by text...

    Wishing you well.
     
  6. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    So it's over! I broke it of between me and the girl I've been seeing for the last 4 months. I feel like shit and a creep and a complete asshole because we ended it over text. I was, and still am, certain that we had to end it because I didn't have those feelings for her even though I like her a lot but we want different things in life. Well, we want the same thing but she wanted a relationship now and I want to be single and try to get a career in another country.
    If I wanted to have a relationship with her it would also mean that I would have to move to the other side of the country and I currently live near the capital where any jobs related to the education I have fought for the last 6,5 years to achieve are located. Where she lives there might be a couple of jobs of relevance but I probably wouldn't get them.
    She is a really nice woman and I feel so full of guilt and shame. I know it was the right thing to do but I did it the wrong way. Never mind that she broke up with me through text 4 weeks ago but I am very disappointed that I did the same and nearly blindsighted her. I hold myself to a higher standard than that and I have utterly failed myself. I wallow in a pool of selfpity, shame and disgust with myself and this is my public admission.

    I know I'll get over it in a couple of weeks but damn I feel like a horrible piece of shit right now.
    Tomorrow, I have to go and talk to the sexologist about my lack of libido. It's been more than two months since I was there last and I don't really expect to get anyting out of it but I'll see how it goes. She might help me clarify some things with regards to my views on women, sex and help me with my PA. But maybe I'm expecting too much.

    @Human: Thank you so much for your support. I really value and appreciate it. You are completely right that it is always easier to be on the outside looking in but horrible being on the inside of it. I was happy that you said that it was acceptable to break up over the phone and it was my plan to do that but I failed miserably at that and I will have to live with the guilt and shame.

    To answer your questions:

    Yes, I have not masturbated at all since April 25, 2013. After my initial 90 days I tried to see how my erection quality was with light strokes and without fantasy but I did not O nor go to close to the edge. That's as close as I have gotten to masturbating while rebooting.

    No, I don't find myself waking up fapping in the middle of the night. Sometimes I have found myself touching my wang in the morning but I wouldn't call it fapping as I am nowhere near orgasm and it's mostly just pressure that has been applied to the area. I am confused though because I feel like I wake up with a little tiny bit of morning wood but I dont know if it is morning wood or if it's just because I touched myself.

    I have had several no O streaks. The first one was 94 days before O'ing from a wet dream (the first in years) and 2 days after I got a bj. Since that initial streak I have been on easy mode with a few different girls and usually gone on streaks lasting between 2-4 weeks. Abstinence has however, not really done much for me since I think I went into a flatline in October. Now when I'm no longer seeing a girl I'm hoping to have another long no O streak that will pull me out of the flatline. This also answers your question with regards to my view on going on easy mode. I know that the process is different for everyone and maybe you'll benefit from it but in my case it has severely stalled any progress I made since late September/October.

    It seems like we both are stuck in a flatline without much libido. The reason that it has been so easy for me, unlike most other guys on this forum, to cut out masturbation is because I have low libido. How come you get the urge to masturbate when you don't have a libido? Maybe I'm just being too extreme. I have been thinking that I would maybe try to reintroduce some masturbation or touch only, when I reach the one year milestone but I haven't decided on that yet.

    I actually think that there are a lot of guys on here who have gone longer than 6 months and are still, to some degree, stuck in a flatline so I don't think that we're that unusual:)

    Wishing you well too:)
     
  7. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    I'm finding myself using his forum less and less. I still visit every sinle day but my visits a shorter and are mainly out of boredom rather than searching for help. I still hope to come across a new success story from a silent rebooter who have had experiences similar to mine. But no such luck so far. I know it doesn't make sense as it is different for everyone but considering that I am hitting the ten month mark I wish I was further along than I am.
    I am stuck at the bottom of a vicious flatline not much different than the one I was in before I started rebooting. I realize that I was actually doing pretty well with decent progress late last summer and early fall until the flatline slowly crept in in late October and just pulled down deeper and deeper. I now have no desires or urges and my penis is as shriveled and lifeless as it was in the 3 years before my reboot.

    I read posts from fellow members about wanting chemical castration or exploring other ways to dampen their urges and libido. I guess that the grass truly is always greener on the other side as I would give anything to feel alive with desire again.

    I guess that I am beginning to despair a bit myself. I had hoped that I would have been healed a long time ago but I only resurfaced a bit only to return to the bottom of the flatline where I now seem to be stuck. I have encouraged several members in the past both here and on NoFap and told them that they should persevere and that they would heal if they stuck with it. I will stick with it and I will persevere but I do feel the uneasiness of uncertainty and the fear of never healing. Right now I am at the bottom and I hope I don't have to stay here much longer because this is getting very old.

    Two weeks ago I met wit a doctor and a psychologist because of my treatment seeking in the professional world of medicine. The psychologist seemed to laugh at the mere idea of PIED and seemed convinced that it was a psychological issue rather than anything else. The doctor wanted to do all of the tests again and this time I will finally know for sure that all relevant blood tests have been done as she will check for testosterone, metabolism, prolactin and what else there might be. I'll go to have blood drawn next week and hopefully I'll get the results before may.

    I want my MW back and most importantly I want my libido back and feel like a man again. It's been too long that I have walked this earth without the proper desire for a woman. I need to heal soon or I'll go mad.
     
  8. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    I feel for you, MrNF, and I can relate. I've been at this since July. Regularly I wonder, "how much longer?" It's so easy to fall into despair. There's not much else I can say except that you're not alone. I also can't help but believe that your brain is still healing, that flatline is proof of it, and that in due time the healing will be complete.

    Vigorous exercise, heavy lifting, supplements like ashwagandha and yohimbe, meditation, and regular rewiring with a partner are all things that can increase natural libido. What have you tried recently?

    Kudos to you for sticking with this. It's a tough climb...and very boring at times. Maybe that's the worst part. Sometimes the lack of stimulation can feel like torture.
     
  9. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    I am getting tired of rebooting and the flatline. I thought I was about to get out of it at the beginning of the week because my penis began to be bigger in its flaccid state. It was fuller and longer but not back to the size it was in the fall. However, it seems like it's fluctuating between the flatline state and the normal state without ever really returning to normal. These last couple of days it has returned to the flatline state. My libido has not returned either, yet I have found myself looking for questionable material online. I don't feel much of a dopamine rush or any urges. It's simply the trigger that got me into this mess in the first place - boredom! I realize it yet do nothing to actively combat it like I did when I first started out rebooting.

    The lack of progress has really gotten to me and I am beginning to despair to the degree that I will never heal and never feel desire or urges to look at women and be attracted to them.

    I had my fourth blood test done last week since 2010 in order to look for a reason for my lack of libido. The other three times the test came back fine and the doctors dismissed me as having some psychological disorder. None has been found though as psychologist haven't been able to find my menal state to be out of order.
    For some reason I almost hope that the blood test this time will reveal a reason for my lack of libido so that I can just be cured by medicine instead of waiting in limbo rebooting. However, the prospect of having to take testosterone supplements for the rest of my life does not seem appealing either.
    I'm growing weary of fighting without much payoff and I find myself believing less and less in the ability of my brain to cure me. Maybe the plastic changes in my brain aren't that plastic after all and the neural pathways that are wired to porn - or in my case no libido- are actually set in stone.

    I know that another reason for my current state of disillusionment is this very forum. There are people on here who have given me a lot of inspiration and hope even though I have never written in their journals or stories and whom I am forever thankful for being here and being an inspiration. However, there are also many people here who do nothing but relapse and whine about it and making new threads constantly about why they fail or that they have now reached 3 days with jerking it and now believe they are in a position to write a success story.
    A lot of members are also asking a lot of very stupid questions that are either self evident or could easily be answered by actually spending some time on ybop. I'm sorry if anybody feels offended but when someone for the 3 billionth time asks if edging is bad or if other people think they will be healed if they abstain for 10-20 days I can't help but think they are actually attention whoring or just plain lazy and don't actually care enough to educate themselves on PIED. Some might be very offended by what I just wrote but I am currently not in a happy place in my reboot and the lack of actual success stories are not helping either.

    It's been more than ten months since my last PMO and I have pretty much made a 'textbook' reboot with some rewiring thrown in there for good measure and I don't feel that much different right now than I did in the second month of my reboot. I am tired of it all. I just want to be healed and leave this forum and live a life of desire and human urges. On Monday it's been 5 weeks since my last orgasm from sex and even these weeks of abstaining have done nothing for my libido. I am so tired of this horrible flatline that has haunted me for years and I am tired of the constant lack of progress where it really counts for me. Ten months later and I still don't have a libido or morning wood!! What the hell is wrong with me???

    @ Human: thank you very much for your encouragement and support. It means a lot to me and I consider you an invaluable resource on this forum and a great human:)

    My bad back and my smoking habit has prevented me from making any strenuous activities, or that is at least my poor excuse for not doing them. I know that I should but as with everything else in life I procrastinate.
    I don't have much faith In supplements and I have yet to read a review from somebody who have used them and felt a difference. If you have an experience with any supplements I'll gladly listen to any advice you may have. The only other thing I have done has been rewiring with the girl I broke it off with 4 weeks ago. It may not have been enough rewiring but all the sex she wanted put me back in this horrible flatline so I think the many orgasms might have outweighed the good that the rewiring did.
    I agree it's torture and I'm beginning to get tired of it. I know that there are people wo have rebooted much longer than me before they healed and some have yet to heal after more than two years. I am just so tired of all of this constant focus on rebooting and rewiring when all I want to do is just live my life like a normal person. I hope that your reboot is going well and that you are feeling some progress - you deserve it.

    For anyone who read this post and feel offended I apologize but I needed to get it off my chest. It was not to let anybody think they don't deserve support or encouragement from me or others but sometimes the lack of successful rebooting stories combined with questions that have been answered to death on this forum and ybop and which can be found using the search tab gets to me.
    May you all be healed and find the support and encouragement when you need it the most.
     
  10. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    My last post was full of frustration and despair. I sounded whiny and sad and I was very miserable. I hate the fact that I am not healed yet and though I have seen progress it's just not enough.
    However, I think that over the last couple of days I have slowly started to crawl out of the horrible flatline I have been imprisoned in since late October. My libido is not really that much different than it was a week ago but I have also been sick these last couple of days so that might have masked some of it - only time will tell. The reason for why I think I am crawling ever so slowly out of the flatline is because my penis size has increased. It is fuller and bigger in its flaccid state but not yet quit where it was in the early fall but definitely and improvement over these last couple of months.

    Over the last week or so I have picked up some bad habits of checking out questionable material. I even convinced myself to download a tumblr app so I could follow pics of pretty women with no or little clothes on. This is absolutely counterproductive to what I am trying to do here and it must stop immediately! As I am writing this I am deleting the app aaaaand it's gone along with the pics I had saved.
    I am actually terrified that I have gone to this kind of behavior in such a sort time and there have even been a little peeking at actual porn. It scares me and I think that the lack of progress I have experienced has made me a bit apathetic to it all. I have not feared going back to jerking of to porn as that is no longer an option in my life and I have had no problems not doing that at all during my reboot. But when I look at these kinds of things I am strengthening the pathways I am trying to get rid of while ruining the little progress I have actually made. I need to hold myself accountable to that kind of behavior as well and since my original counter does not include peeking I have made a new counter to hold me accountable for this destructive behavior I have engaged in. I have also added an O counter to better keep track of my no O streak. I hope and believe that these new measures will keep me on track and that I will continue to rid myself of the flatline and emerge as a new man.
    There's always hope.
     
  11. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Time for another infrequent update:

    I have no idea what is going on with my reboot. I thought I was coming out of the flatline a few weeks ago and I think I'm almost there. It's like my body just wants to hold on to it. My penis is bigger and more full but not as much as it was back in the fall. It feels like I am really close to be completely out of it, yet it is not going to happen anytime soon. It's a really weird experience. Libido wise I have been able to feel the flatline fading a little but not to the extent where my libido is restored by far. I am however, a little more interested in girls and sex than I was just a month ago.

    TRIGGER WARNING
    Speaking of girls and sex I had to reset my no O counter after a sexual encounter with a girl I also had sex with in the fall. We met out in the town last saturday night and we both knew what was going to happen. We had sex against a church wall and though I was drunk, I think I had a full erection. I had no problem staying hard at least, even when a group of young guys walked right past us but had their heads turned towards something else. I was scared as fuck but we weren't dicovered and the girl didn't care at all as she just continued blowing me. An insane experience, to say the least.
    TRIGGER END!

    So after that encounter I am pleased with my EQ but I am also well aware that it was my first sex in 55 days which means that maybe it was simply a result of abstension and build-up. I did not re-enter the flatline after the sex but I am keenly aware of not overdoing it again.

    I also had a wet dream about two weeks ago, which is the first this year. It kind of indicated to me that I was on the right path once again but I still feel lifeless in my penis and disconnected from it. As a result, I have read up on pelvic floor excercises and stretches but I am still not fully confident I know how to do them. I know that I flex my kegels insanely when I get an erection and they respond and flex as soon as I just touch my flaccid dick. They have been conditioned to flex after years of watching porn trying to maintain an erection. I need to uncondition them and I think I will try to reintroduce slow masturbation when I have reached the one year milestone in an attempt to recondition my pelvic floor to be relaxed when my penis is at work.

    After 11 months of abstaining from PMO I think I also need to cut down my internet use drastically. I think it is a waste of time and I think that it prevents me from developing healthy habits out in the real world. I have thought about either cutting down and only use it in a designated time each day or just go all in and cancel my internet subscription and be strict about my phone and how I use it and then only use the internet at the local library. I think it would do me a lot of good because I can't remember the last time I was actually bored. I mean sure I can sometimes feel a little bored but nothing like I did when I was younger and there was absolutely nothing to do. In this day and age I can always go on the internet and browse through retarded stuff for a laugh but I feel like there should be more to life than living on the internet. If I am truly able to get bored I might have to develop some healthy activities in the real world of the internet. This is not a life but a waste of time.

    On a more positive note, I have not had to reset my peeking counter and I have thought about the sadness I would feel about resetting it whenever I would think about looking up things that might be questionable and it has worked great for me. So that's a positive thing that came from including that counter.

    Basically, I'm at a place right now where I am trying to make a strategy for continuing my reboot. I don't yet know which course of action I'll take with regards to the internet issue but I hope I'll make a decision soon. I will also look into learning to uncondition my PC muscle and try to relax my pelvic floor as it often tightens up when I'm just sitting around doing nothing. Hopefully, I will be making progress on both those fronts soon.
     
  12. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Today I cancelled my internet subscription!

    Why? Several reasons actually.
    First and foremost; because I have long feared the overlap in pathways between PMO and internet addiction and my mindless browsing of the web was not only hours wasted but I fear that it may keep me from recovering fully. It's not porn but constantly checking facebook, stupid memes or retarded youtube videos searchhing for something that will entertain me can't be healthy either.

    I can't for the life of me remember when the last time was that I was actually bored. You know the kind of bored you experienced when you were younger and there was nothing on TV. Time went by so slowly and you just wanted to scream to escape this boredom. I never knew that I would miss it but I do. Not because I want to be bored but I want to feel like I can't keep myself constantly entertained and actually give my brain a rest from constant stimulation.
    Do I have an internet problem? I don't know because I can close it when I feel like it but I don't know if I can live without it.
    I'm really excited to try and see what happens. I still have my phone but over the next ten days I will make a plan for how to restrict my time using it and what rules there are regarding the use of the internet. I need to make job applications so that will require a trip to the library. It's not going to be fun but it will get me out of the house at least.
    I'm house sitting for the next 10 days and I can't really cancel the owners internet subscription but I'll try to limit my time as much as possible.

    The second reason for cancelling my subscription is because even though I don't PMO anymore I just use the time online looking at something else or I'm playing online on my PS3. So I'm hoping that when I remove these options for entertainment I will push myself to try and adopt new healthy forms of entertainment like going for a walk, socializing, hitting the gym or whatever. Stopping PMO did not change my habits so hopefully boredom will force me to do something about it. It's going to be interesting and it also means that I will have to limit my time here on YBR and stop checking for new posts all day long. I have not made a set of rules for myself yet as they are kind of difficult to formulate but I'm imagining a set time period, perhaps twice a week for different internet stuff which includes YBR. But it's not set in stone yet so we'll see.

    I also started meditating today after I received a message from 38Years where he highlighted the benefits of meditation. I have read it on YBOP as well but I think reading it from him gave me an extra push to try it out and give it some serious effort. I want to see if all this grey matter stuff actually has anything to do with my loss of libido. My first session today was nice and I felt calm and relaxed. It sounds weird but I felt the same kind of empty relaxed feeling in my head after an orgasm from sex. Not the orgasm feeling of course but the lack of thoughts and the complete relaxation in my brain. I liked it a lot and can't wait for tomorrow's session.

    I'm still fairly certain that at some point after I reach my own goal of one year no PMO and nofap I will try to uncondition my pelvic flexing whenever I touch my dick trough relaxed masturbation. GameOver did it so I hope I will be able to overcome it as well.

    I think and hope that I'll be experiencing some exciting times in my reboot over the coming months:)
     
  13. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Btw. I had to reset my peeking counter after 25 days because I looked at a video where a girl showed her boobs and I KNEW that she would when I hit play. I suck sometimes :-[
     
  14. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    So it's been an interesting week for mainly two reasons.

    First and foremost; I have woken up to a chubb about half, if not more, days in the last week or so and yesterday I woke up with what could almost be classified as morning wood. It wasn't a full erection and it wen't down as soon as I got up to go to the bathroom but it's still the best MW I've had in years and it took me close to a year of rebooting to get to this point. I wont be satisfied until I get rock hard MW almost every morning but it's still progress and it helps me to keep me focused on the end goal. After rebooting for so long these small signs of continual progress are so encouraing and reaffirms my trust in this process. So I'm very happy about these small signs of MW:-D

    Secondly, I finally got the results back from my last blood test and as always they looked absolutely normal. Fourth time I have had a blood test taken in the last 4 years because of my low libido and every time they always say that I'm fine. I had everything checked this time; testosterone, chromosomes, thyroid hormones and prolaction and a lot of other stuff I know nothing about.
    I was surprised that my testosterone count is much higher now than it was when I was 14 because back then I was always horny and thought about sex all the time yet these days I don't. It was at 12 nmol then and is at 20 now. As far as I can figure out that places me in the 550 to 600 hundred range in ng/dl which is well within the normal range.
    The doctor told me that there is nothing wrong with me that can be seen in my blood results and offered me to talk to a therapist or be in a group with other guys having ED problems. I declined her offer as I have already spoken to a therapist and we couldn't figure out why my libido was in the crapper as there was no psycological reason for it to be. This either leaves me with suffering from an unknown, horrible disease that causes my libido to drop whilst being undetectable or I'm suffering from PIED, or in my case maybe more of PISD (porn induced sexual dysfunction). My money is definitely on PISD and not some unknown disease. This is great news as that means it is reversible and I just need to continue my reboot.

    In connection with my morning wood and the fact that my libido is getting a little better two other things have happened in the last week. Number one is that I had yet another wet dream two days ago, which is the second one this year and the 7th or something like that since I began rebooting last April. Before my reboot I hadn't had a wet dream in years!! I know that they are not just about emptying out the balls in my case as I had a wet dream the very next day after a three day sexdate with the girl I used to see. My balls were completely emty after those days and there was nothing left, yet I still had a wet dream and I therefore see it as yet another sign that the reboot is working.
    The other thing that happened was last night when I was out drinking with a friend. We had a nice night out and I noticed the girls out in the town more than I have in the last 4 or 5 years. There was this one girl in particular who wore a dress with a deep and wide cut where her nipples were litteraly milimeters from being exposed. How she kept them inside her dress I will never know but I do know that I could not stop looking at her. I was obsessed almost like in the old days for just stealing a glance at her beautiful body and breasts. She probably knew that I had a hard time keeping my eyes away from her and I felt a bit ashamed but at the same time I enjoyed it because I never though that I would be able to look at a woman again with a feeling of desire within me. It was a great experience and I attribute it all to my reboot. Frigging awesome!!

    On other news I have continued meditating for 10 minutes every day and I still like it a lot. It really calms me down and I look forward to doing it every night.
    On monday my internet connection goes bye-bye. Apparently the internet provider gave me two weeks before they shut it down after I cancelled it so the real test is on on monday and I am very excited to see how I will do. I still have internet access on my phone but the signal is crappy where I live. If I'm really lucky and can get a 3G signal but most of the time I only get EDGE which is useless. So I will basically be without internet connection from monday and I will put some restrictions on my internet use through my phone as well.

    I am only allowed to have one hour of internet surfing i.e. Facebook, news, YBR, retarded stuff and whatnot every monday and thursday.
    I am not allowed to go on the internet on my phone at any other time except for emergencies and bus and train schedules.
    I am allowed to check my email three times a day; morning, noon evening.
    I am allowed to use the librabry computers as much as I want to search for jobs and write applications but nothing else.

    I think that pretty much covers it and I'm looking forward to seeing how it will work out for me:). The reason for my internet cancellation is due to several reasons and one of the primary ones is that I read that the neural pathways in the brain that are wired for porn are overlapping with those connected to internet addiction. I don't think I was, or am, addicted to any of it but I do think that I still have the brain changes as a result of to much porn. Therefore logic dictates that it will be beneficial to also cut down on internet usage. I am not doing this because I am afraid of a relapse because I am not. I feel confident that I will never PMO again and now I have at least taken some serious steps to prevent that from happening.

    Keeping in tune with these changes I have also decided to start going to the gym every monday and thursday/friday starting next week. I have a bad back and the exercise will help me get a stronger core and get back in shape. I will also try to quit drinking cokes as well from monday and this will be by far the hardest addiction to kick. I am superaddicted to drinking that stuff all the time. I have tried to quit in the past and have gone several weeks without it but there comes a point where I relapse and just don't care about quitting it anymore. This time I will try again and I hope I can keep it going.

    Overall I think I have made a great strategy and some excellent life changes that will help me move forward in my reboot and hopefully I will be healed by this time next year. Only time will tell:)
     
  15. Bobby5154

    Bobby5154 New Member

    Dude, what you're going through has really resonated with me. I was a long time fapper from an early age (11) and now that I've stopped (31 years old) my libido is dead. Like "what even does it feel like to have a libido" dead. It has been for about 3-6 months. I get major morning wood, but feel nothing throughout the day. Its weird, scary, sad, depressing.....I hope you hang in there. Good luck.
     
  16. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Today is a big day for me as it's been ONE YEAR since I last masturbated!!

    I PMO'd one week before I for some reason decided to try to masturbate without porn and to imagination alone. It didn't work out so well so I googled on my phone "porn ruins imagination", stumbled on an article by Marnia Robinson which linked to yourbrainonporn.com and then as with everybody else on here, everything clicked as to why I have had these problems and I haven't looked back since.

    So a year of a reboot kind of deserves a list of how far I have come since I began.

    - I began smelling worse when my PIED began 4 years ago (didn't know it was PIED at the time). No matter how much I showered I still had a smell to me that smelled bad. I smelled kind of like mold or a farm animal. I could usually mask it with deodorant but I wondered about it because I never used to smell. After about the first month of my reboot the smell disappeared and have been gone ever since. Weird, but nice!

    - I have had problems with dribbing after urination to the extended that I was VERY annoyed by it. It got progressively worse during the 3 years of PIED and I had to spend a long time at the bathroom wiping my dick and trying to empty the pipes from urine in any possible way only to have a huge dribble when I pulled up my boxers. I came out of the baby dick flatline about september last year after about 5 months of rebooting. My dick was hanging nice and long and bigger than ever. My problems with dripping urine where completely gone!! Went back into a babydick flatline and the problems reappeared and I am to a smaller extend still fighting them. Really weird!

    -I had a lot of trouble maintaining an erection with my now ex-gf when my problems began in 2010. It got worse and worse and I became more and more asexual to the point where I did not care if I had the hottest, naked babe standing in front me or a naked 80 year old man. Both would have evoked the same sexual arousal response = NONE!
    After about 5 months, when I came out of the babydick flatline, my erections were better than they had been in a long time but still not perfect. Around Christmas 2013 I had sex with a girl I was seeing and I had the hardest erection I have had since I was a teenager. It was rock solid and could cut through steel and diamonds and whatnot. I could not press it down with my hands to penetrate her so I had to move my entire body into a different angle - my erection was that hard!
    I haven't had as hard an erection since then but I know now that I can get and maintain an erection when I have sex and though my libido is not there yet, I am no longer asexual and would have no problems banging the aforementioned hot babe! My libido is still sluggish and kind of crashes after sex with a refractory period of a at least a day perferably three or more. I am jsut happy I am not completely asexual anymore!

    - I used to pitch a tent in my boxers each morning and would wake up with the old morning glory struggeling to pee as it would not go down. I don't remember when it disappeared but when I went to the doctor in 2010 and he asked if I still got MW I couldn't really remember if I did or not, which means that I didn't. I did not see any kind of progress with regards to MW for my entire reboot up untill about three weeks ago when I began waking up to chubbs in the morning where some were better than others and maybe not classifiable as MW. This tuesday, three days ago, I woke up to a 60-70% erection in my boxers that stayed with me until I reaced the bathroom. Best MW in years!! The last couple of days have been chubbs except for yesterday morning where I woke from a wet dream just before it got wet with an 80-90% erection. NICE!

    That pretty much sums up the progress I've made over the last year of my reboot and though I am pleased with the results so far I am still annoyed by the very long process. I was in a bit of a slump as to how to continue my reboot a couple of weeks ago and also a little discouraged that I hadn't seen much positive progress since my diamond-cutter around Christmas. The return of morning chubbs was just the progress I was hoping for so now I am hoping they stay with me.

    About a week and a half ago I quit the internet with all that it included except for the rules I listed in a previous posting (otherwise I wouldn't be writing this, duh!). It's been the best week and a half in a long time. I don't really miss mindlessly browsing through Fb updates or checking pointless stuff on google whenever there is a commercial break on TV. I feel much less stressed and the real world more interesting. I actually look out of the window on the world passing me by when I'm commuting by train or bus instead of staring at my phone. I like it and it's actually easier than I thought.

    Another thing is the meditation I began about 4 weeks ago or something like that. I absolutely LOVE it! I look forward to my daily meditation and I feel so relaxed and happy afterwards that it is hard to describe. I am not a purist and the only reason I have been able to commit to a daily routine and any meditation at all is because of the Headspace app which guides me through each new day's meditation. Without it I wouldn't be bothered to actually take the time to meditate. I think it might also have played a small part in the return of my morning chubbs as meditation increases gray matter in the brain which is atrophied by years of porn and mindless internet consumption.

    So that was the first year of my reboot and I look forward to what the next one has in store for me. I hope you are all doing well!

    It sounds similar to what I have been going through. Luckily you have only experienced it for 3-6 months and now know what you need to do in order to change it. It took me almost 3 years of being in the dark of what was going on with my libido while still masturbating to porn. I can see you have been here longer than me. How is your reboot going?
    Thank you and good luck to you too:)
     
  17. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    So I'm back again, maybe just this once - who knows?
    I never visit the forum anymore even though I probably should.
    I don't feel any different than the last time. I still don't have MW or a functioning libido. Sure it's better than when I had no libido at all before I found ybop but it's still not good enough. It seems like there is a plateau I just can't break through and finally get to where I would like to be libidowise.
    It doesn't help that I have failed either. I convinced myself that it was okay to sneak a peek at porn on several occasions. I had one horrible week where I would look at porn vids on a tube site for hours each day just jumping through the videos and saying it was okay because I wasn't masturbating but only looking, so the effect of DeltaFosB wouldn't be that bad and the dopamine hit wouldn't be high enough to ruin anything because I wasn't masturbating. Of course I was lying to myself for some reason. I don't know why I did it but I just had to.

    I managed going 399 days from April 2013 to May 2014 without masturbating until I decided to try it and see if that would help my libido. It felt great - like masturbating for the first time ever but I think that it also led me to look up porn on the net not that long after. I masturbated on less than ten occasions in May and June and haven't done it since. I could feel my libido leaving me and becoming disinterested in sex again and I have not really felt the desire to do it since.

    I often think of the girl I broke it of with back in February and wondered if I did the right thing. I miss her sometimes even though something about her scared me a bit. She was very bossy in some situations and that kind of drove me of but maybe I should have been more firm and told her to relax and not be pushy, instead of just taking the crap and ending up breaking up with her. I don't have any girlfriends or sexual partners these days and I don't know if I want to. I think I might soon be ready to actually start a real relationship again and maybe with the girl I broke up with because she still wants to get back with me and I still think a lot about her. I don't know - I can't figure this one out.

    I had a lot of plans with regards to my reboot - going to the gym, pelvic floor exercises, meditation and they all lasted for about two months and then I lost all interest in them. Right now I don't do anything with regards to my reboot but going with the flow. Maybe I should get in a relationship and try to rewire because that might help or it might not at all depending on who you are asking. I am lost in my reboot and I almost don't care anymore. I have an appointment with a urologist in October and he'll probably say I'm fine and then what? At this point my own doctor thinks I'm a hypochondriac whack-job that's wasting his time. He doesn't say it but you can see it in his eyes. I guess it's fair that he doubts me when all the tests and the specialists say that I'm fine.

    Every morning I hope to wake up to old morning glory but it never shows. I was at a stripclub in a drunken haze as I was at a bachelor party the other night and I did find the topless girls interesting but when my brother-in-law said he would buy me a lap dance and I left before I got it, I think that's a clear sign there is still something seriously wrong with me.

    If the urologist, as expected, finds nothing wrong with me I'll try and explore a possible depression more. I don't feel depressed - sure the world is often grey and boring and I don't find a lot of things interesting and my memory and concentration are not great but I am not suicidial or non-functioning, so I doubt that it's that. But maybe depression medicine could help with dopamine signaling. Who knows?

    I really wished that when I came back to the site I would read a shitload of succes stories from longtime fellow rebooters yet there aren't really that many. It saddens me and reaffirms fears that I might be one of the incurable ones. I guess we'll see.
    Rant over!
     
  18. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Woke up to a wet dream this morning. It's the second or third this year. Haven't had one for about 6 months. I feel like I want to be in a relationship but not sure if I'm ready yet. I still don't have morning wood and even though I do have a hint of libido since I want to be in a relationship and I check girls out it's still not where it needs to be. I got examined by a urologist two weeks ago and he said I was fine physically. He checked my prostate and I left feeling violated. Damn that was a brutal experience! Waiting for the blood work to come back but I already know that's it's going to come back just fine like the last ten times. I'm tired of rebooting and spending time thinking about my dick. I'm trying gameover's pelvic floor guide and hoping that might help with morning wood but to be honest the lack of progress is really starting to make me lose all interest in pied and rebooting and whatnot. Doesn't mean I'm going back to porn. I'm just tired of it. I hope yall are doing well with your reboots.
     
  19. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Had another wet dream this morning and one a couple of weeks ago as well which I didn't enter into my journal.
    The wet dream this morning was weird as it happened in that place right between being awake and asleep. I had been awake for almost an hour trying to go back to sleep. During that hour I had had some very serious fantasies about a couple of my ex'es. I have had these strong sexual fantasies for a couple of months now and I always have them in the morning after my deep sleep but before I am fully awake. I have no idea what is going on or why I only have these intense fantasies in the morning. Anyways, it felt almost as though I was completely awake and yet, I don't think I was when the wet dream turned wet. It was just a superweird experience.

    I do see the wet dreams I have been having while rebooting as a sign of the reboot working and getting out of the flatline. I didn't have any wet dreams for years before I began rebooting and I didn't have any for about 6 months earlier this year where I felt as though I was in a sort of flatline. It's just weird.

    The urologist I went to see almost 2 months ago called me up with my results about three weeks ago and as expected, I was completely fine. My hormones, vitamins and whathaveyou are all fine and the physical examination also ruled out any physical problems. I don't think that there are any other explanations for my loss of libido than PIED or PISD (Porn Induced Sexual Dysfunction) as it is perhaps more accurate.

    I do still have the drive towards girls that I have had for a few months now but it is still weak and not what I would call a true, healthy libido but I do believe things are going in the right direction. I am beginning to think that I really need to rewire alot before I can totally defeat this issue. However, I am currently not actively pursuing a girlfriend at this moment in time as I would rather have a job and a new place to live in place first and that can take months.

    Overall, I think that things are still improving though they are so freaking slow! But it's better than being stuck in that asexual state I was in for more than 3 years. I still don't get morning wood or urges to masturbate or have sex and I would like those to return. So I'll keep on rebooting as planned and hopefully I'll be close to my goal when I reach the two year reboot mark in april.

    Merry X-Mas and a happy New Year.
     
  20. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Had a wet dream again or nocturnal emission as I don't recall dreaming when it happened but I might have been. I still see them as part of the healing process and I'm happy that I'm getting them again. There might come a point when I'll hate them but now I'm just thrilled as I used to have them before pmo made me into a zombie that never dreamt about anything at all and certainly didn't have any wet dreams.

    I got way too drunk on three occasions in December and I hate myself for it. I got so drunk that I don't remember it but from what I've been told I was deeply embarrassing and stupid. I'm not an alcoholic and I can months without drinking as I only do it socially but I don't like not being in control of my drunkenness so I'll cut down on the alcohol this year. There aren't really any news about my reboot. I just wanted to make an entry about my wet dream in order to keep a count on them.

    Happy new year.
     

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