The NoFap chronicles.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Mr-NoFap, Oct 3, 2013.

  1. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Ok, a very short introduction to me:)

    I found YBOP back in April and I have not PMO'd since then.

    I chose to have a profile here and on r/nofap but I found it more interesting to check out r/nofap, than this forum for some reason, and I have not been an active member here until now. Since my time abstaining from PMO have been getting longer and longer and those who post on r/nofap seems to be getting younger and younger, and not suffering from the same problem as I have, which is low libido and as a result an inability to maintain an erection, I have chosen to concentrate my time on this forum, instead of r/nofap.

    I think I belong in the same boat of rebooters as Gabe, Breeze and CBRENN as I have read through their journals and success stories and see my own situation mirrored in theirs. I was especially happy to read Gabe's story as I myself am a long rebooter, and finding out that CBRENN had written a success story was a huge relief as he seems to be one of the only guys from the flatline theory thread, that has actually rebooted: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=3055.50. The flatline theory fits perfectly with my own situation and I am certainly a believer in it and that's why it was nice to read CBRENN's story and see that there was hope at the end of the tunnel for me too.

    If anybody is interested in reading about my journey thus far and where I came from, some of it is described over at r/nofap here: http://www.reddit.com/user/Mr-NoFAp/submitted/

    I thank you all for posting your stories and success stories and I look forward to reading more of them in the future.
     
  2. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    Time for an infrequent update:

    For the last three weeks or so I feel like I have been in a weird sort of limbo between entering a flatline and not entering a flatline. My libido has been low as usual unfortunately, but it seems like my dick had a hard time deciding whether or not to be a flatline-dick and become lifeless or stay normal and full. I haven't had sex for 11 days but today was the day my weiner decided to go full flatline and become lifeless and shriveled up. Sucks!

    I can only hope it's a short flatline and that my libido will finally return when I get out of it. I will be spending the weekend with this girl I've been seeing and I know that we'll be having sexytime so I hope this stupid flatline won't render me completely useless otherwise this weekend is going to suck!
     
  3. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    The flatline dick is still with me. I haven't noticed any psychological changes at all. The only sign of being in a flatline is my shriveled penis, which is definitely in a flatline.

    I have noticed in the last to weeks that my mood has increased a lot and I laugh a lot of things that are funny but not hysterical. I watch a lot of Family Guy currently and though I've always thought they were funny, I've have seldom felt like vomiting of laughter when watching it, like I have recently. A good sign I guess of returning to happier and perhaps a more carefree stat of mind. The flatline my penis is in doesn't seem to be affecting my mood negatively at all which I would have thought that it would. Oh well, Family Guy here I come ;D
     
  4. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    Weird day with very small feelings of libido but when I say small I mean SMALL! However, they are there as I actually really want to be intimate with this girl I'm seeing. I have been rebooting for more than 6 months now and I still don't have my libido back which is discouraging and on top of that my flatline dick remains. I was almost getting used to it just hanging there being full and big when flaccid until the flatline hit me again but I hope that when it comes out of the flatline it will bring my libido back with it once and for all. We'll see. :eek:
     
  5. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    Had a great weekend with the girl I'm seeing. I really like her even though she is a very different girl than what I would usually go after.

    I am happy to report that we had sex once on Friday where I did my best to do a little karezza style, though choosing to o after a long intercourse. I am quite proud that I was able to keep it going as long as I was, even though I must admit that there was a break where I performed cunnilingus so I wouldn't o too fast. It's important to note that I have never had full blown ED but a version of PIED where I have been in a complete flatline for more than 3 years with small dick and absolutely no libido as well as the inability to maintain an erection without constant stimulation. On Friday I maintained the erection the entire session, even when I went down on her, and I was ready to go immediately after my short break without any need for stimulation. So I guess the process works even though I don't consider myself a success until my libido gets way higher than it is.

    We had sex again on Saturday morning and again on Saturday night. I was still able to maintain the erection but I could feel that my libido wasn't where it needed to be. I could feel that old feeling of not being able to maintain the erection due to lack of arousal again. I did maintain it but it just shows that the old libido is still nowhere near being back.

    Today I had sex with a fwb and she is a real pro. I was hard and o'ed pretty fast. She wanted to go again and I felt like I owed her that. I failed at getting and maintaining a decent erection. My refractory period is still to high and once again my libido isn't high enough to do this kind of thing. Sucks.

    I am aware of the fact that I am probably o'ing too much these days but I can't help it because I think I will be missing out on an important and fun part of life before finding the woman I will spend the rest of my life with if I don't get it on with these girls.

    Additionally my flatline dick seems to be back in that state of not beng able to decide if it wants to flatline or be a normal dick. Weird.
     
  6. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    Hey there, MNF, glad you've traveled over to YBR. I tried r/nofap as well and found the same thing to be true. Lots of very young guys, and the conversation is just very different than it is here.

    I have just over 100 days without porn, and I've been orgasming with a FWB until very recently. That's finally ended, and I'm happy to be getting on with a full no-PMO reboot. I've been pretty severely addicted to porn for a very long time, so I'm in this for the long haul--and I expect it may take a while before I'm fully rebooted.

    Looking forward to the day when I can say I've gone as long as you have without MO! Also looking forward to hearing more about your journey in the days/weeks ahead.
     
  7. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    Hey Human thanks for stopping by :). It's good to hear that you're going for a long period of no PMO. I went 96 days with nothing except one wet dream on day 94. I then o'd from a bj but looking back I wonder if I shouldn't have abstained even longer. But who knows. I just think that long breaks fom o's are need needed. Sounds like we're both in it for the long haul and I look forward to following your progress as well :)


    Not much have happened in the last few days. I think I am starting to notice girls a little more but I don't really know if it's placebo or not as it might just be because I feel like I should notice them. I'm very confused about this. Also today I woke up with very weak morning wood, like not even 50%. I think I've only had about 5-6 instances of waking up with morning wood thus far in my journey. I'm always happy when I do but I would like it to be much more frequent and much stronger. Oh well, guess that all of this just means I still have a long way to go. As long as I feel like I'm improving I'm happy :)
     
  8. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    Time for an update of my somewhat sporadic journal. I have to admit that I am better at reading other people's posts than writing my own. I spend too much time here reading and hoping that I will find that perfect post that I relate to 100% from someone who has been cured, as though that would somehow offer me relief. I recognize the pattern of browsing through posts and constantly searching for the right one a little to well. Admittedly, I don't jerk off while reading posts in here as I'm not turned on and that would be weird as hell. But the process reminds me of those old horrible PMO days and I need to cut back on that.

    Since my last post I haven't had anymore morning wood, unfortunately. Every time I have them I always hope that they are here to stay. But they always leave me again :(.

    I have also spent a night with the girl I've been seeing and trying to rewire with. Something very weird and discouraging happened. We got naked and fooled around but wanted to wait having sex with o until we were going to sleep as I'm not able to go more than once a day.
    I stayed hard while we were fooling around and gave each other oral. I also penetrated her and tried to do some karezza, staying well off the edge of O. We stopped and went out for dinner.
    Later in the evening when it was time for the real thing I didn't really feel it though and had great trouble maintaining it. It felt like I had almost never rebooted at all. I thought that having made the karezza thing would make me even more horny when we were now going for the full blown intercourse, but the opposite happened. I don't get it at all :eek:
    Anyways, I managed to finish with between perhaps a 70-80 percent erection. She wanted morning sex the next day and I was lucky if I could manage the 70% erection. I finished pretty quickly as well.

    This experience really sucks as I'm more than 200 days no-PMO and I am still nowhere near where I want to be. I know the process is not linear and I know that there are setbacks but ffs I want to be cured an have me libido back now so I can have a decent sex life!

    Enough ranting and venting for now. I hope all are doing well out there :)
     
  9. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    LOL! Strange how that happens! Facebook has a similar compulsive appeal for me. Always leery of the just-one-more syndrome!

    I don't really get morning wood either. Lots of nocturnal erections but almost nothing in the morning.

    As for the time with your rewiring partner, it sounds like you may have just been putting more pressure on yourself the second round. The fact that you do it earlier in the evening before dinner suggests that you may just be contending with some performance anxiety stuff. Has this ever been an issue in the past, pre-PIED?
     
  10. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    Yeah, I know that feeling of just one more all to well, Human. I recognize that in other aspects of life as well, for instance with sweets or cigarettes when I was a smoker. It's a bad habit that needs to be broken.

    I don't know about having nocturnal erections because, well I'm asleep:). I just really wished I would wake up in the morning with a massive boner and be annoyed at it because I had to pee really bad. Man, I really miss those days.

    I have probably put too much pressure on myself with my partner. I agree completely with you. As I also wrote in your journal, the times I have seen the most progress is when I have abstained from any sexual activity. It just sucks when you want to be able to perform and you can't. I guess most guys on here know that feeling. I have never had performance anxiety in the past except for when this PIED shit started out. Before that I could always rely on getting an erection that could cut through steel! But PIED can really fuck with your head. I am certain that if I had my old libido back I would be rock hard and not give any fucks about performance anxiety, so I'm really hoping for a libido boost soon.

    Not much new is going on except that I thought back to 2004-2005 which were the years my addiction peaked. It wasn't actually an addiction as much as it was something to do. I lived in my apartment which I hated, saw my friends rarely and my only other contact was with my family. I hated my job, yet it was my only other contact with humans except for my family and whenever I came home from work I would start the computer and go through Kazaa or Limewire and find all sorts of shit.
    I remember getting the dopamine rushes and having a hard on from the sheer anticipation of what I would get to see when the download was complete. I always had about 20 simultaneous downloads going on, so I was almost doing the whole tube site thing before it was invented.
    It's ridiculous to think that I could keep up this behavior for almost 6 years before my libido said enough and gave me the horrible gift of ED. It's weird that I didn't get ED back in 2004/05/06/07 when my porn consumption was at its highest. It didn't happen until 2010 when I watched less porn and had a gf. Of course I am certain that it's those countless hours of edging that have done the damage to me. I loved spending between 4-6 hours edging to porn in a good quality wanking session. Never knew the damage it did and today I hate myself for it. Dear libido - please come back real soon!
     
  11. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    Not many news regarding my situation. Still feel the same like I did last week and the week before etc.

    I had a sexual encounter on day 96 which left me feeling like my condition had gotten worse, as I was completely unable to maintain my erection for more than a second after the girl stopped giving me a bj. That scared me and I thought that I didn't suffer from PIED, since I hadn't done anything remotely sexual for more than 3 months. I went to the doctor, again, and told him that something had to be physically wrong with me. He took a bloodtest and the results came back fine - again. He then gave me a prescription for Viagra and a referal to a sexologist - again! I've been through it all before but the doctor said that there was nothing else he could do as my numbers from the bloodtest were all fine.

    So today, about a 100 days after my visit to the doc, I went for my scheduled appointment with the sexologist/psychiatrist/shrink/whatever. It's part of a larger complex and I always feel like a real sicko and that people are watching me when I go there because they also treat child-molesters, rapists and all kinds of deviants there. I feel like wearing a sign that says "I haven't done anything, I'm just missing my libido!" when I walk through the door. To make matters worse there was a semi-attractive woman sitting in the waiting room - jeez, did I feel like a creep.

    Anyways, the shrink called for me and we talked for an hour were I told her about everything and also about what had happened since the last time I was there when I worked with her colleague a year and a half ago. I proceeded to tell her about yourbrainonporn.com and about the addiction, dopamine and ED and she listened to me, yet wasn't interested in finding out about the name of the website. She did, however, tell me that the theory of sensitization and de-sensitization are very well-known in their field and that the theory on YBOP sounds completely plausible. She said that they often treat people with hypersexuality and sometimes they have gone from that and to a low libido - which is the same thing that has happened to me. She did seem a little uncomfortable when I told her about the idea of being abstinent for an amount of time, but I tried to explain to her that it was not some crazy cult thing. I don't really know if I'll get anything out of the sessions with the shrink but I think that it cant hurt. I didn't get anything out of it the last time but in the time since then I'm pretty sure my PA has gotten worse, so it doesn't hurt to work a little on that.
     
  12. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    So I've just returned from a three day visit to the girl I'm seeing. Things went very well I have to say. We had sex twice on Sunday and once on Monday and again on Tuesday. It's a little more sex than I would like to have but she's a little freaky and full of sexual energy, so it's keep up or get out. I choose to try and keep up.

    If you're reading this and don't know my background, you're probably wondering why I am writing a post about having successful sex on here, especially if you are rebooting for ED. Well I've never had full blown ED but it became more and more difficult for me to maintain an erection and I have gone limp a couple of times during sex with my now exgf.
    The main problem for me though have been the complete loss of my libido - going from a libido in overdrive to being literally asexual! My libido is improving but it's so faint that I don't really notice it improving but it has.
    The reason I know this is because I knew yesterday, that I would fail when it came to the fourth round of sex. I knew all day that when that time came tonight, I would not be able to get a solid erection, or if I did I would not be able to maintain it. I knew this and I expected it. However, things were better than I thought. I got a 95% erection and was able to maintain it at around 90% through several positions. I was really surprised that I was able to do that because that would be completely unthinkable a couple of months, hell even weeks, ago, that I could go for 4 rounds in 3 days. Yet, another proof that PIED is treatable but that it can take a hell of a long time and even though I was able to maintain the erection, I still miss my libido. It's getting better but I'm still so far away from what I want and find normal.

    I remember being far more horny, which isn't saying a lot, back in July. It wasn't even close to comparable to my level of hornyness 5 years ago but it was still a little more than it is now and that makes me wonder, if all these orgasms have stalled me to the point of not progressing libido wise at all. I don't know but I don't hope so. Only time will tell I guess.

    Another and completely unrelated point; last weekend I was at a family gathering and this time I felt that I enjoyed it without feeling awkward or like a pervert. I have never really felt any shame in watching porn, even though it was pretty depraved some of it, but I believed it to be a normal part of being a man.
    Now that I have been porn free for more than 7 months I actually feel different when I'm with my family. I no longer feel like a pervert but instead like a completely normal person. It's weird because I have never been aware of being ashamed or feeling different but now that porn is gone I can really feel a difference. I feel clean and pure which is a weird feeling but I really like it. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone but just this feeling alone is the journey worth in itself for me.
     
  13. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    So after I had written in my journal yesterday I went to bed and I woke up not long after due to a wet dream. During these last seven months, I've now had 4 wet dreams which is more than I've had in I don't know how long. I think it's safe to say that it's at least 4 years since the last time I had a wet dream but probably even more years in reality.
    I like the wet dreams because they make me feel like I'm progressing even though I'm not really actually feeling any progression. I don't know, but I like them and they feel natural. The not so cool part was that it was some kind of porn like fantasy. It was not a porn scene I remember having watched but I didn't recognize the woman in the dream and it looked like a porn set. Weird.

    Anyways, the really odd thing is that I've had sex the three previous nights and I felt a little exhausted thinking about sex yesterday and then boom, I have a wet dream. I would think that my body would be needing a little rest, but apparently not. Regardless, 4 wet dreams in a little over 7 months vs. 0 wet dreams in the preceding 4-7 years is an awesome streak:-D
     
  14. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    Hey there, MrNF. Haven't heard from you in a while. How is everything?
     
  15. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Re: Mr-NoFap's journal

    Hey Human - nice of you to drop by :)

    I've been really busy lately as I am turning in my thesis next week, so I don't have a lot of time to spend browsing YBR, even though I do check in to see if anytihng is new every day :).

    Everything is fine reboot wise. I was supposed to meet a FwB for sex today, but she cancelled yesterday. Even though I am happy about it because I am very busy, I actually feel like I would like to have sex right now. It's not really a feeling, I would have before my reboot, so I take it as a sign that I am still healing.

    Another sign, or whatever it is, is that I have found myself peeking at porn. Not on the internet but on the channels that air porn after midnight. I don't know why but it seems like I am telling myself that it's okay to just look at what's going on for 30 seconds when I know that it's not. I don't think it's my addict brain that's telling me to do it as much as it is a slight feeling of libido.

    Over the last couple of weeks I have from time to time felt like, what I can only describe as the feeling of a very faint libido being trapped inside a closed box. It's like I can feel something that wants to break out and scream but just cant and it's very faint. I don't know if that makes sense to anybody but it feels like my libido is calling out to me from far away, even though it is extremely faint. I just hope that it will last and that my libido will be louder:)

    All I really want for Christmas is diamond cutting morning wood and a libido that makes a fierce animal look asexual! ;D

    Anyways, I hope that all is well with you, Human and that you're still trucking on with the reboot:)
     
  16. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    For the past couple of weeks I have considered masturbating to sensation as a way to try and jump start my libido, as that is suggested might work on ybop. I am hesitant though, because I don't see why masturbating to sensation should jump start my libido when sex with a woman doesn't.

    I have, however, discovered that I am capable of achieving and mantaning a 95% erection with only sensation, no porn and no fantasy. This is something I have been unable to do for the past 8 years or something like that. That's pretty awesome. The erection does go down if I don't continually stimulate it and it's not a throbbing hard on but it's better than it was before I rebooted, so that's something. I feel certain that things will only improve over the next many months and I have realized now that I probably will need to reboot for at least another 8 months and most likely I h ave more than a year ahead of me. It's okay though as long as there is progress:).

    Btw. I have actually begun to notice the female underwear models in the Christmas catalogues. It reminds me of the days when I was an innocent teenager. They are not doing much for me but I am noticing hem and appreciating them for their subtle sexual cues which I vastly prefer to in-your-face-pussy porn. How a person can change drastically in a very short time :)
     
  17. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    Woke up to a wet dream this morning. I don't remember what it was about. This is the 5th one during my reboot. As previously mentioned I haven't had wet dreams for several years before I began rebooting and this is evidence enough for me that I have been damaged by porn.

    My dick was practically flaccid when I ejaculated. I really hate not having morning wood. I know that many say that it's not really something to be concerned about as it doesn't affect the sexual performance. That may be true but I will see it as a major sign of recovery if and when it returns.
     
  18. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    It's hard to not look at this process linearly. I, too, am very interested in these "signposts" or rebooting, even though I know I shouldn't invest too heavily in them. A wet dream seems like a very good sign. To me it sounds like your body's natural sexual intelligence is returning. I've never had one, but I'd like to :)
     
  19. fugu

    fugu "You know, feelin' good, livin' betta." :) Staff Member

    How you doing man? Just dropping by to say hello!

    Are you a big SC2 fan? I use to be a top 8 master player back in the day and I loved the game!
     
  20. Mr-NoFap

    Mr-NoFap YOLO #NoFap :-)

    @ Human. Yes, it's very difficult that it's not linear. I would love to say that it just gets better every day, when it doesn't. Instead I can say that I am generally better of than I was three months ago but I don't know when I'll get the next indicator of progress. I sooo hope that it will be the return of MW.

    Yes, I think it's a good sign to and not having had WD in years it's nice to know that I'm actually healing rather than be annoyed at them.

    @ Fugu. Hey man, thanks for stopping by. I have to be honest and say no. I haven't played Starcraft since the original back in '98 I think it was. I loved the game though and I'm sure SC2 is awesome. Regarding my avatar, I just wanted a badazz fapstronaut looking guy:).
    Now I'm more into black ops, though I've never been the best gamer in the world.
    I hope everythings going right for you :)

    In other news, there aren't really much news to report. I feel that I might have felt a little libido yesterday and today. But not sure. Will keep a close eye on it though:-D
     

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