The NO Arousal method is the hardest thing i have ever tried

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Anewlife, Jun 8, 2016.

  1. Anewlife

    Anewlife Member

    after + 2 years of no porn my libido still wasnt back and i figured it was time for harder measures..

    Trying the no arousal method i have come to the conclusion that i traded watching P for watching / oogling real girls everywhere i go. They give me the same (all do much less) dopamine surge as P.

    quiting this is very hard for me and comes hand in hand with depression and insommia.

    Id like to hear from you guys who have experience / succes with this method.

    THANK YOU
     
  2. TheElderJoachim

    TheElderJoachim New Member

    In my opinion, you should not attempt any NoArousal method at all. I think this method is on of the most stupid techniques in the recovery process. Why would you stop looking at girls? What, are you going to look down at your feet in public like a loser to avoid getting aroused? Come on, that's not how a man acts around girls. This dumb method may condition you to associate arousal with guilt. You are DESIGNED to check girls out. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you don't extend it to the point of becoming a creep.

    If you successfully recovered from porn addiction and your libido is still low you need to look for the causes somewhere else. If you stopped fapping along with watching porn during these 2 years, please, start fapping again. Like once a week or two. No sexual release at all lowers libido and testosterone. Also, go to the doctor, get checked. Maybe there is something wrong with your hormones and your diet. Depression is strongly associated with lower libido. I would suggest dealing with it separately; your low libido may have nothing to do with your sexual life, the causes may lie deeper in your emotions or unresolved trauma.
     
  3. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    I'm going to disagree with the last poster - although I battled with it at first, I regard the No Arousal method is a key tool dealing with a porn addiction.

    Like the OP, I realized that I had traded online porn for eyelid movies - which wasn't that much different when you look at in terms of dopamine in the brain and hiding from reality. I'd ogle women and then obsessively fantasize about them. I thought I was rebooting but I was getting nowhere. Actually, I was worse off, because getting all dreamy about hot chicks chasing after me was bringing me down and making me angry at myself for not living that playboy lifestyle in real life. I noticed that sexual fantasy was a major part in my relapses. Ultimately, it made me feel like a loser.

    What I've found, after a few months of No Arousal is that I notice beautiful women but I'm not staring at body parts of provocatively dressed chicks.

    I allow myself to recognize beauty, but I have a sense of freedom that I'm not always mentally undressing passing women.

    TheElderJoachim raises a good point, as it could be that the OP has some underlying depression - and I'd ask him if he has been working on self-esteem during his two-year reboot.
     
  4. TheElderJoachim

    TheElderJoachim New Member

    If you, after checking out girls, find yourself fantasizing for hours, yeah, that's the problem. Although my addiction is more severe so I am not any kind of entitled expert, I would say meditation and getting some self-control over the mind is the key to balance how much time you spend in your fantasy world. It applies to other areas of life as well. From my experience, if I see a cute girl, sure, I acknowledge her beauty, her body parts and more subtle cues, I allow myself to think about her and what not. For a short time. After a few moments I just brush it off and carry on with my day. Afterwards, I may recall her once or twice but that's about it. I think it is a healthier approach to allow your body to go through natural feelings of arosual and after that carry on to more meaningful activities. I am not spending hours in my fantasy world after seeing her. It's unproductive and a waste of time if I am not going to make any move towards her so why waste my mind resources? Besides, if you happen to fantasize a lot, it probably means you don't do anything meaningful to occupy your mind. I find it hard to fantasize when I am engaged in some interesting activity.

    Well, your issue does not lie in your excessive fantasizing about women (though it contributes to it as well) but the unrealistic expectations about reality. Fantasy is ok as long as it is put in a realistic frame and motivates you to achieve something. If there is a huge discrepancy between your fantasy world and reality, fantasizing is counterproductive because: a) you get attached to it ( your mind believes everything it sees, it can't distinguish reality from fantasy) b) it is more pleasurable than reality so you stay in fantasy (it's easier to fantasize than to do something in reality to make it happen) But in general, I think there is no need to go coldturkey and stop checking girls out whatsoever. Just recognize when fantasizing arises and start occupying your mind with something more productive.
     
  5. Joo

    Joo Guest

    TheElderJoachim said it all right there in those excellent posts.

    It's not about what you are seeing with your eyes, but how you perceive that which you are looking at and how you process that information. And that depends on your mind.
     
  6. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    The question isn't why should I look away, rather it's why should I look? If we stare at "asses and thighs" for the purpose of evoking lust inside us or done because of Pavlovian conditioning of lust, then that will bottle itself inside us until we seek a release, whether in the form of PMO or something else. However, if the girl is attractive and you see her for her attraction. Then it wouldn't matter if she is wearing short shorts, or whatever, albeit there will be lust involved but controllable. We as humans were meant to direct our lust/sex drive in the way of attraction/care/curiosity and in that way we aren't as aggressive rather gentle. Porn has really screwed up our brains in deep ways.
     
  7. Anewlife

    Anewlife Member

    Thank you all for the replys,

    Again; this topic is not about; does the no arousal method work / is good for you/ unnatural etc etc.

    I know for ME this is the way to go because i have traded porn for real girls and go crazy when i dont check every single one that i see from head till toe.

    In my opinion this is and will never be normal behaviour.

    Just like wabi puts it; you're not truly free if you are trading the chains of porn with the chains of fantasy. Porn for "Eyelid movies".

    Nowadays looking / checking every girl i see gives me the same dopamine response as looking at P, to a lesser extent obviously.

    Why should i check out every girl is ee when i have a girlfriend to begin with? It makes no sense.

    still trying to overcome the oogling, i truly believe if i keep going this way i will eventually recover
     
  8. TheElderJoachim

    TheElderJoachim New Member

    That's why I believe it is crucial to start getting self-disciplined. Like it was mentioned earlier, it's not about the girls, it's about our attitude. We all live in the same society - every single man is exposed to the same visual cues but the difference between healthy males and us is the perspective on life matters. Sure, sex and sexual matters are important in our lives but so do other things. I believe healthy males have, so to speak, a balanced perspective on their life matters and the important difference between sex addicts and them is the hierarchy of significance. I think, we, through addiction place sex in general on a pedestal. This is a very interesting thing that when you crave something - a relationship with a girl, love and affection and you focus on it too much or trade for porn or whatever - you don't get it. But when you relax and start being ok with the fact that your sexual life hasn't been all that good, that now you deal with post-addiction withdrawals and whatnot, you stop placing such a significance on sex and you experinece a sense of freedom. Sure, sex matters to me but I don't freak out about it, there is plenty other life matters that I need to look into as well. This, I think, is far more better attitude than being freaked out about fantasies, urges and cravings. Let's realize that they did not appear out of nowhere, that they are a result of a consistent brain conditioning and there is no point in freaking out about them. It's like with this mind trick "Don't think about pink elephants".

    This is an example of the philosophy of not giving a fuck. It's not about not caring anymore, it's about reframing the hierarchy of significance. Diminish urges, fantasies, cravings, treat them like "oh there you are, sorry but I don't have time for your shit right now". Visualisation is also very, very helpful. Personally, when I get a strong urge, I go running. During this activity, I like to imagine myself being in a fisher boat in the middle of a raging storm (which symbolizes cravings) and scream "THAT'S ALL YOU GOT?!" After such a run, the feelings of pride and the sense of achievement are priceless. Try it out!

    It's not about looking away or staring to the point of becoming a creep. It's about a mindful acknowledgement. Oh, there is this girl, she looks gorgeous. I like it. That's it. No point in avoiding her and no point in staring at her for too long (unless you are about to approach her) Like I said before, a balanced perspective and a hierarchy of significance.

    Well, that's why we've got our prefrontal cortex that is responsible for reasonable thinking. The porn example is very similar to procrastination - we all procrastinate because our lizard brain enjoys having a good time. It hasno perception of past or future, only the present moment. It is the reasonable part of the brain that makes us finish our assignments on time. The same case with porn and sex- we would certainly be more sexually active if it was not for our reasonable brain (except you are addicted obviously)

    Life is not easy. Eventually, you will be required to get self-disciplined in sexual matters. Going coldturkey is an option but then you truly miss on life. And it's a little bit unnatural in my opinion, but hey, whatever works for you.

    That's why we need to monitore what kind of thoughts we have. But again, we can attain a sense of control over the situation. We can put some hierarchy of importance. We can decide that we want to invite thoughts of affection and intimacy and dismiss lustful, PMO-induced thoughts. You can always say to yourself "Well, I don't really want to think that way" If you remain mindful of your thought process and be aware of where they might lead you then you get a sense of control. Sure, it's not easy, sure it's awfully difficult in the beginning. Sure, going coldturkey is far more easier. But hey, mindfulness applies to every single area of life. It's ver beneficial.

    Guys in relationships check girls out every time. It's normal. It's in their nature. If a guy says he doesn't check girls out becasue of a relationship commitment, he is either pious or bullshitting himself. No matter how beautiful your girlfriend is, your body will enjoy a view of another beautiful woman. There is little you can do about it. It becomes a problem when you start doing it purposefully.
     
  9. Anewlife

    Anewlife Member

    " It becomes a problem when you start doing it purposefully."

    Yep, this is exactly what is going on in my situation,
     
  10. TheElderJoachim

    TheElderJoachim New Member

    Reframe your values. Start asking yourself what do you expect out of your life, out of your relationship. What does a relationship means to you? It is a commitment. It is equal with saying "There is a lot of beautiful and interesting women but I decided to bond with one particular girl" Start asking yourself if you would feel ok when your girlfrend stared at other guys purposefully.

    Ask yourself if your staring at other women is a result of some ongoing problem in your relationship. If so, discuss it with your girlfriend. Tell her, what your problem is and ask for her opinion. Honesty is always better than hiding from your emotions.
     

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