The Naked Truth

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TrueSelf, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I did end up talking with my wife a little more about why I was avoiding the show that she watched. It felt good to be more transparent about my motivation. We watched a movie together on Saturday night and it was interesting in that I was much more "touched" (emotional) towards certain scenes than I have been in the past. I feel like this is a good thing. Some time away from porn maybe is letting me experience things more fully.

    Of course there were some challenges as well. That same movie (which was family friendly/religious) also had a female character and for some reason it appeared like her nipples were visible through her shirts (conservative/button down). Perhaps because of this she also gave me a feeling like maybe I had seen someone who looked like her in porn. Also sex was a no go because my wife had evidently started her cycle earlier in the week.
    occams_razor and NewStart19 like this.
  2. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I've definitely noticed that kind of thing as well.

    I tend to look away from the screen during problematic scenes like that. Or at least try and concentrate on non-triggering parts of the screen lol. Of course if the whole film or whatever is triggering then it's best avoided.
    TrueSelf likes this.
  3. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Some questionable browsing on the Amazon website this morning. It's not something that I set out to do. Basically I got a reminder to leave a review about something that I had purchased (for the bedroom...). This ended up sending me down a path of looking for a related product. Really there was no need to do such a thing. I wanted to mention this as leaving behaviors unchecked like this in the past has eventually ended in a (more like multiple) visits to porn town. I'm upset about my behavior because my current run has felt very "clean" (at least by my standards). I'm hoping that writing about this incident will help to remind me not to do this again in the future.
  4. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    Haven't heard from you for a while. Hope that means you've left porn behind in the dustbin of history and that life is going great.

    I just wanted to let you know that that one comment you made about appreciating the honesty of my journal meant a lot to me. I think it really helped me to explore journaling more and turn it into something that works for me, without being self-conscious about what others think. I feel like I am really starting to hit my stride, and I just wanted to share that with you.

    Take care
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2019
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  5. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I'm back after a long time. It would be nice if I could say that I was porn free the entire time since last posting but that is not the case. I used porn just yesterday morning.

    Most recently I have been working SMART recovery. There are some great things about (like online meetings and a specific program to follow) but the downside is that most meetings are dominated by people who have issues with drugs or alcohol.

    Yesterday I was thinking about certain "irrational beliefs" that I still seem to harbor on some level concerning using porn.

    1. This time will be different
    2. I will feel better/satisfied afterwards
    3. I need relief
    4. Using will be worth it
    5. I am entitled to certain sexual experiences
    6. It's not as bad as really cheating
    7. Using will be a quick one off
    8. It's not hurting anyone
    9. Nothing is as exciting and rewarding as sex
    10. I'll stop in the future when certain circumstances are more favorable.

    Obviously none of the above are true. Nonetheless I still seem to "fall for" one or several of them when I choose to go back to porn. As part of my recovery I think it's important to expose and refute these long held beliefs.
  6. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Welcome back my friend!
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  7. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Working from home for the first time (ever) yesterday was a bit of a challenge. I had the thought of using "just because I easily could". I did not as for sure it would be the same tired experience it always is. Porn can never provide what I am really looking for. I did end up doing a questionable search for "something new" but was able to pull back before exposing myself to any images or videos.

    Some home stress as my step daughter has some school work that she needs to complete. Unfortunately she does not seem the least bit concerned despite the fact that the missing work is impacting her grades dramatically!

    I have to keep this short as I'm "off to work".

    @Merton - Thanks so much for the warm welcome!
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  8. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I've been having some intrusive sexual thoughts about "acting out" in a way that doesn't involve porn. I am hopeful that these thoughts/desires will lessen as I get some distance from porn.
  9. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Bah! Two times PMO yesterday after seven days clean. I am making this post in an attempt to prevent a complete binge. My plan is to focus on being kind to myself - using CALM app for meditating, reading before bed, staying away from junk media and continuing with my exercise and stretching routines.

    Another thing I want to try to do is encourage empathy for the porn performers. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I really believe that many of the people that I have viewed would rather not be doing what they are filmed doing.
  10. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I had another reset after my last post. I'm back up to 12 consecutive "victory" days.

    Recently I've watched (more so listened to) several YouTube videos about former performers talking about having worked in porn. I need to keep this post brief but one of the several things that stuck out to me was something one of the women said about orgasms. The angles and positions that are required for the sought after visuals do not lend themselves to pleasure for the participants involved. As a result one of the production people will stand off to the side and signal to the woman when she should fake having an orgasm. So even if it seems like the woman may be enjoying what is going on there is a good chance that it is an illusion. Just another crappy thing about porn I guess.
  11. axebattler

    axebattler Member Staff Member

    Yeah there are a lot of crappy things about it. One thing I hadn't thought about until recently was the way they film a scene as if it's one long uninterrupted take. In reality they take a lot of breaks from filming and then edit it that way.

    I read about that in an article on They have some good articles but they may be a little triggering, so be warned.
    TrueSelf likes this.
  12. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Yeah I remember reading that filming can take hours and hours. It seems to help me to break the fantasy to think about these things. What we get addicted to is not sex. It is some kind of weird staged fantasy constructed by business people.
    TrueSelf likes this.
  13. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Related to this is that the filming can also go on for a long time. I watched another video/documentary where men went to a "shoot". It when on for hours apparently. One of the women needed a break and kind of broke down (understandably). Probably the most disturbing thing was that after the filming finished, the owner/director guy still went in for his "turn" with the female performers. Messed up!

    Thank you for the trigger warning. Sadly I have been triggered by this stuff in the past and have given into urges to view porn.

    One of the interviews I listened to addressed this a bit. She said that the producers are very aware that the content that the produce influences viewers preferences/behaviors. She also said that many of these same people hate women and are purely driven by profits.
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  14. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I'm past the 3 week mark with no PMO. It has not been completely smooth sailing. I've done a few silly internet searches: "so and so (celebrity) in a bikini" and also started to MO twice. The closest I came to crossing the line was a result of doing an internet search for something I was interested in. This lead to finding some sexually charged posts. Once I started reading them it was very difficult for me to stop. The initial feeling of reading some of accounts was very similar to engaging in PMO. I think I mainly went do this path as I could get a taste of the porn drug but still be able to justify to myself that I wasn't actually watching porn. I ended up searching for more of these posts the next day and one more time two days later. I'm choosing to look at the incident as a victory of sorts as I was able to pull myself back from complete relapse to PMO.

    Some things I have been doing daily that seem to help.
    • meditate using Calm app
    • "Scottish showers"
    • exercise and stretching
    • riding exercise bike and listening to music
    • reading a chapter in: "There's More to Life Than Sex & Money
    • entry in gratitude journal
    • writing down what I remember of my dreams each morning
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  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Even if it wasn't absolutely perfect, it's great that you are at three weeks ! Well done on recognizing the pattern to drift towards P-Subs ! I guess there are many subtle ways we slowly slide back towards the bad habits and it's good to be aware of them.
    TrueSelf likes this.
  16. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Ugh. Recently I have fallen (yet again) into unhealthy patterns. My periods of time away from P have continued to become shorter and shorter in duration. I just used porn a few hours ago while at home (while on the "clock" for work). I kept it sort and "made up the time" but this is still a very bad path to head down.
    My short term goal is to make it through the remainder of the day clean. My longer term goal is to enjoy the holidays and the remainder of the year clean.
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  17. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Made it through the rest of yesterday clean. Discovered a very slow drip in the basement which was annoying. I forced myself to contact a plumber immediately as opposed to putting off doing so. Haven't heard back yet. Hopefully will later today.
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  18. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    I admire your perseverance. You have a way of continuously plugging away that makes me think this fight is manageable. Keep up the good work, TS.
    TrueSelf likes this.
  19. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Keep it up!
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  20. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Followed up with the plumber guy again. He's coming tomorrow. Glad that will be resolved. Also no PMO so officially one day clean.
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