The Naked Truth

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TrueSelf, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Just wanted to make a quick note of a small victory I had today. Were I work there are not many attractive female employees. As a result the few attractive women really stand out (at least to someone like me). There is one very attractive woman (actually more a girl - I would guess early twenties at the oldest) who I only sometimes see during my lunch break. Today as I was going up the escalators I glanced over and someone with nice tan legs was coming down the other side. I knew it had to be her. I purposely averted my eyes and did not look in her direction at all.
     
  2. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    I’m a firefighter and we have zero women working in our department. But at one of our stations the neighboring department has a rescue and two employees that are stationed there. Frequently they cycle hot woman through and if they happen to be working when I’m there I’m a total mess. Then to boot my co workers won’t shut up about how hot they are what they would like to do to them looking up there instagrams and Facebook to see if they have any bikini pics and of course I get sucked in. I would love to have the confidence to be normal in front of them and to act the same as if they were a male co worker. In time I guess. Way to go on your victory, it’s hard to have no female interaction and then suddenly see a very attractive girl coming down the escalator. Not to mention there is very few places to escape from an escalator. I may have jumped over the side. Haha! Have a good day and keep fighting.
     
    Merton and TrueSelf like this.
  3. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Funny you mention this. My co-worker got to the cafeteria before me and asked if I saw the girl that I purposely avoided looking at. He then when on to say, "seeing her made his day" or something like that.

    I went down this path in an extreme way maybe a year or so ago. There used to be an insanely attractive hairdresser at the salon where I get my haircut. I never had her cut my hair as I've been going to the same hairdresser (not the hot one) for a really time. My hairdresser and I friends on Facebook and she is also friends with the hot hairdresser. Definitely not one of my prouder moments but this sent me down the rabbit hole as they say. From her Facebook profile to her YouTube channel where I found she had some click-bait stuff among the other videos she posted. Finally I'm not sure why (I know why-but not sure what made me think any search results would come up), but I typed into Google, "Hot hairdresser's name nude". I was completely shocked when multiple websites were returned. I assumed that it most be someone with the same name. Nope it was her and the pictures seemed to be genuine. She was apparently one of the many victims (I guess targeted because of her minor social media celebrity status) of an icloud hack from some time back. It pretty crazy. Stuff like this shouldn't happen. I shouldn't be able to type someone's name and pull up their personal photos.

    Thanks for the support!
     
    Merton likes this.
  4. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I'll add more details later but I was just facing two potential outcomes for how today would likely go. I am happy to say that I choose the right path.

    I hope everyone has a great day today!
     
    occams_razor likes this.
  5. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    As a follow up to the message above... My wife, her cousin my step daughter and her friend went to the beach on Saturday. Early late morning while we the only ones awake my wife was getting ready and was only in he bathing suit. This inspired a certain reaction on my part. It's at this point I felt I had two options for how the day would play out. Option 1: at least attempt some intimacy with my wife or Option 2: do nothing and likely have an even greater difficulty with avoiding PMO. Although I did it in an awkward way I did choose to initiate which resulted in a very powerful experience. I felt great for much of the day afterwards. I got many tasks done and this felt nice as well. Annoyingly this feeling did dissipate towards early evening. Same old stuff crept up. I started to watch a movie and thought about looking up the actress to see if she had done any nude scenes. I though about looking at P as well. These desires were not especially difficult to avoid but it was disappointing that they presented themselves.

    I'm running out of time so I'll be brief. I think Sunday I tried to chase the high from the Saturday morning experience. I did this in several ways. 1. Had sex again, 2. some unhealthy food choices, 3. briefly considered PMO while wife was at store, 4. tried to find great movie to watch

    On a more positive note I am over the two week mark clean.
     
    JD1981 likes this.
  6. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Two weeks in the bag way to go dude!!!! I am terrible with movies. As soon as I see an actress that I’m attracted too, boom I’m on my phone. What’s her name, any nudes scenes, any I phone hacks, any pics in a bikini and this perpetuates the cycle. I guess that lets us know how strong our addiction is. Our brain is continually seeking a path to porn. I think that it’s good we can identify these responses and somehow get past them. I tend to laugh them off and hope that by doing so every time I watch a movie it gets easier. It’s like being in the gym at first the added weight is heavy but soon we get stronger and we are repping the added weight and it becomes easier. Again way to go on the two week mark brother, stay strong!
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  7. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Consistency
    I read over my journal quickly yesterday and noticed a various obvious trend in which I have been vary inconsistent with my recovery efforts. I begin to use a certain technique then abandon it at some point. I've been listening to PFR and have finally made it to the Porn Free in 2016 episode. As part of this episode the pod-caster (Matt) released a porn free month worksheet to complete (@Merton) mentioned this some time back in his journal. I've downloaded the monthly plan and I am determined to actually fill it out and adhere to it. My plan is to do so tonight while my wife is out of the house at an appointment.

    Disclosure
    Another idea that Matt mentioned is to get ahead of any behavior that may put you in danger of relapse by bringing it out into the open. This morning I watched a short meditation/yoga video. The instructor is young and fit. I have worked through her YouTube video before with no issues, but this morning I found myself more "drawn" to her. I also noticed that she has very few "subscribers". I used this as justification to click on her other videos to see if this was due to lack of content. Thankfully nothing tempting to view.

    Temptation
    This is ironic, but in preparation for completed the worksheet (pdf format) mentioned above I copied the information on it into a google doc. After completed this I noticed another document that I did not recognize. I opened it and it was 32 pages of links to my drug of choice themed porn videos. I don't even remember downloading it. It took me a bit, but I did end up deleting without opening any of the links.
     
    Merton and JD1981 like this.
  8. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    This also happened to me to a lesser extend with gym girls. I only found bikini pictures but they were quite revealing and, of course, sent me down into the pit.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  9. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Ogling, Ogling
    Bad time yesterday at work. In a surprising turn of events I found myself walking behind (for a long distance between building) the same girl mentioned a couple posts above. I was walking with other people so it seemed like I was trapped (couldn't get ahead of her). At times I was able to resist somewhat but I also stared at her bum (tight pants) waayyy too much. This resulted in me being very triggered for much of the day yesterday. I was trying to think about what exactly I was triggered to do. I guess it would have been to try to find some P with someone who looked similar to the girl I was ogling.

    What made it even worse was that one of the guys I was walking with decided to find her on Facebook and was successful in doing so. Of course he showed me a few of her pics on his phone. I was tempted to look at her page myself, but I did at least resist in doing that.

    I'm feeling better this morning.
     
    Merton likes this.
  10. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I can totally relate to this. I have had many experiences like this that sent me into the pit. On the other hand, I have had many experience like this that did not send me into the pit. Basically it depends on how I deal with it I guess. It sounds like you are dealing with it in the right way.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  11. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I guess so. I think what made me feel better was just time away from "the situation" and also that I did not escalate to looking at porn.
     
  12. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Sex
    Had sex yesterday as we were unexpectedly alone in the house for some time. One definite positive impact of no PMO is better sex. Looking back I feel like I may have had a very mild form of PIED. My body responds to even the thought of sex with my wife almost immediately. Previously my wife often had to physically stimulate me in some way to get things started.

    Journaling
    I completed my first 5 minute journal entry this morning. I am optimistic that I will be able to successfully integrate this practice into my morning and nightly routines.

    I think yesterday was pretty much free from the desire to use porn.
     
    -Luke- and Merton like this.
  13. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Sundays
    Sundays have been an issue lately. Saturday's are typically the highlight of the weekend so Sunday seem like a letdown in comparison. I'm probably also nervous in some way that I will face some unforeseen problem at work the next day. I feel tempted to make the day "more special". Typically this means that I will eat much less healthy than normal and also have some kind of sugary dessert after dinner. I'd like to break through this loop. This happened last Sunday as well. Clearly just noticing the issue will not solve it.

    The Unknown
    I think part of the issue for me with being free from porn is that some of the benefits from being such are somewhere out in the future. I've never known them so it's hard to get excited about reaching them. With porn even though I know it can provide nothing of worth it is still tempting because it is so familiar. Just yesterday I had the thought that I could probably find some P with a woman who resembled a lady in a documentary I was watching. Thankfully it wasn't very difficult to reject this trash idea.
     
  14. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    PFR
    I have listened to several episodes lately. A recent one that really resonated was one in which Matt discussed the two reasons that people look at porn. Initially I was prepared to disagree with what he had to say because I've been sold on the RR reasoning that ultimately the only reason we look at/use porn is because doing so feels good and we like that feeling. The two reasons he gave were 1. self care and 2. excitement. As I thought about these reasons I really found that my porn use has fit exclusively into these two categories. Of course Matt points out that porn does not actually provide either self care or excitement, but it does provide the illusionary promise of both. In addition to the obvious appeal of varied sexual material I think that giving up porn can also artificially inflate the excitement feelings as well. Porn can become more of the "forbidden fruit". It can seem exciting to use because we are doing something "wrong". However, if I was able to take a third person view of myself in the middle of a porn binge I think my predominant feeling would be sadness not excitement.
     
    -Luke- and Merton like this.
  15. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    This is also one of my favorite episodes. I had exactly the same response as you. I expected to disagree but was surprised and happy to hear that he included excitement.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  16. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Dialogue
    I'm not sure if this happens to anyone else but I sometimes get triggered by recalling or being reminded of some dialogue from P. Unfortunately this happened this morning. It goes like this: I'll be listening to something (non porn) which will remind me of something a woman said in a P scene. This will make me think about the scene and perhaps scenes with similar dialogue as well. Despite being insanely contrived perhaps I remember this dialogue fondly because it is something that I would like to hear in real life. Regardless of the reason I guess it is just one more thing that I need to aware of as something that left unchecked has the potential to bring me closer to porn.

    Amazon
    Last night my wife was watching the last episode in a series. Initially I really wanted to watch it because it looked like something I would really enjoy. Unfortunately it has some elements that I have found extremely triggering and so I decided I shouldn't watch it. After the episode had ended I was sitting with my wife and asking her some questions about it. She was hesitant to reveal details and asked me if I was going to watch it. I said, "no" because I "didn't want to watch those types of shows anymore". She questioned this as she new the plot of the show is something I am interested in. I'm thinking it may be good to have a follow up chat with her explaining more why I am choosing not to watch.
     
    Merton likes this.
  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    This happened to me a couple of times, too. Despite not really focussing on the dialogues when I was watching porn. Triggers can come out of nowhere sometimes. Good to see you are aware of it.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  18. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Member

    TrueSelf

    I just wanted to say I read through your entire topic, and I really like how you do your best to reflect on your relapses, triggers, struggles, etc., and how you continually try to take in new information and apply new (or stick with older) approaches to give you a better chance of success.

    Looking forward to hearing more tales of your future success.

    Take care
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  19. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Thanks Luke! The thing with me is that I feel like at this point I should have more resolve with this NoPorn stuff but I know I am still very very vulnerable to "euphoric recall" and "this time it (using porn) will be different" mentality.
     
  20. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Thanks so much for your support. My track record with sticking with different techniques could definitely be better. I think this relates to why I currently find Porn Free Radio very appealing. The host has suggestions, but he also is not stuck on there only being one successful approach to breaking free from porn.
     

Share This Page