The Naked Truth

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TrueSelf, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 2
    Today went well. It definitely helps to keep busy and be productive. The only point during the day when I had any issue was when I had lost momentum and was feeling "bored" or antsy.

    Reporting
    I'm going to try to report anything that I do that has me heading in the wrong direction
    1. Looked at a former classmates Facebook profile. I told myself it was just curiosity but I think I was hoping she would have some interesting pictures.
    2. I had the desire to re-watch a movie trailer as it very briefly seemed to have something "interesting" in it.
    3. Yesterday at work i looked at a women (zoned in on her bum) who was walking away from me.
    Victories
    1. Did not watch porn
    2. Did not M
    3. Was Productive
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2019
    Merton likes this.
  2. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 4
    I'm having a difficult time thinking of what to write but I think it's important to get some thoughts down. I'm off today and for the rest of the week. I know it's important to maintain my normal weekly routine. So far I have done so. I have already exercised, stretched and meditated. After this quick entry I will read a few pages in the "Art of AVRT".

    Reporting
    1. Various recall about some porn scenes throughout the day
    2. Some porn influenced desires impacting real life fantasy scenarios
    3. Lusted after woman on TV show (nice cleavage)
    Victories
    1. Did not watch porn
    2. Did not M
    3. Was Productive at work
    4. Had the desire to "check out" a woman at work but refrained from doing so
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2019
    Merton likes this.
  3. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 5
    Things seem to be going fairly well at the moment. I'm maintaining my normal morning routine which is helping to keep me on the right path.

    Tomorrow we are going to a celebration and the potential for ogling targets may present itself. I've mentioned this before but ogling is pretty odd behavior when you distance yourself from it. There is nothing to gain from doing it yet it is still hard for me to resist. I suppose I am trying to bring the "variety" available when viewing porn into the real world. A phrase that I would repeat to myself while we were away when an ogling temptation presented itself was "she is not for me". This actually helped somewhat.
     
    Merton likes this.
  4. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 6

    My wife and I watched an episode of a TV (this is a "family friendly show", BTW) and part of the episode's story line was very triggering/made me uncomfortable. Nothing explicit was seen and nothing actually ended up happening. This morning I had to fight the urge to lookup more about the actress that was part of the scene.

    I spent the day yesterday working with my dad in an incredibly physically taxing way outside in the extreme heat. There were times when I wanted to quit but I didn't want to disappoint him, and I really wanted to get the work done. At one point I retreated back into some unhealthy sexual fantasy to distract myself and keep going on the work.

    I'm looking forward to being able to relax a bit at my wife's family's party today.
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2019
  5. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    There is a great porn free radio episode about ogling. I think it is the second Craig Perra episode.

    I’m glad to see you coming up on a week! 4-5 days is when I start feeling so much better. How have you felt that RR is helping these days? I seem to have moved away from it.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  6. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 7

    I'm trying to do something I almost never do which is to write here when I feel very triggered (i.e want to view porn). I thought my wife and I were going to have sex last night but it didn't end up happening. My step daughter had a friend sleep over and even though it was very late/very early they were still up when my wife went to use the rest room. So that was a no go. I'm hoping it may still happen this morning but my wife is not up yet so I'm thinking I may be out of luck. The other annoying thing was that I had mentioned early in the evening that I was "in the mood" and she indicated that she was as well. Then when I tried to initiate it felt like she was rejecting me again in a similar manner (basically shrugging me off) as a previous attempt that I wrote about in an earlier post.

    So the above combined with the residual trigger from the TV show has not left me in a good place. I know that this feeling will eventually pass despite it's current strength.

    I'll try to write some more later. I'm going to log off now and read some more of a book I'm enjoying.
     
  7. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    This is something I always need to remember. No matter how strong the urge can feel, it will pass.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  8. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I agree that the ogling episode was good. It was kind of difficult to use his techniques at the party because unlike encountering someone on the street, I was in a somewhat confined area so I kept seeing the same people. Thankfully there was only one person I was tempted to ogle as she was wearing very revealing clothing.

    I'll have to come back to your RR question. In short I am still trying to work with RR/AVRT but I think it is not 100% compatible with my issues.
     
  9. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 8

    I am still clean. I felt the urge to use at several points yesterday and even mildly this morning. I seem to finally be pretty balanced currently.

    After my day 7 post I began to think about/fantasize about being the kind of person who could be more "aggressive" in meeting their sexual "needs". Basically the kind of person who would march into the bed room and "take" his wife. I then decided that I could actually be that guy. So I ended up doing so (in my own way, definitely not aggressively). My approach met with success. It felt good to take real life action and not resort to porn.
     
  10. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 10

    I think for me what porn most "promises" and never delivers on is "excitement". I am able to convince myself that if I find that certain clip that somehow the experience will be different. This is never the case and I have tested this idea many, many times. There is no possibility that the experience could be any different. All the variables would be the same. Just me and my computer...

    The above idea is not new for me but the porn promise of excitement has been rearing in my mind again lately. Some months back I read about something that a couple did and for some reason the idea to find video of this something has plagued me these past couple days. I was reading my offline journal and I took note that the urge and eventual decision to search for something "new" resulted in a previous relapse. I am determined not to suffer a similar fate this time.
     
  11. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 13

    I'm still here. I seem to be in a fairly good place at the moment.

    There's something I've been thinking about and although I have not entirely fleshed it out I wanted to make note of it before I forget about it. On one of the PFR episodes Matt talks about "finding your motivation" for giving up porn. While listening to the episode I couldn't help but thinking that a big motivator for me is the idea of having a "better" sex life. For me I know with certainty that sex is "better" if I have been away from porn. I also find my wife more enticing (I never find her unattractive even with heavy porn use) the further away I am from porn. In the episode he speaks about being able to track your efforts. In this case one of the things I feel is lacking is frequency. So given that one, of my actions could be attempt to initiate a certain number of times per week/month.

    I realize that perhaps this is not the most "pure" motivation or whatever, but part of the porn draw for me is to getting to "experience" different sexual stuff. Obviously I am really not experiencing anything other than watching images, and as a consequence my actual sex life suffers. Instead of running to porn I want to take actual practical steps to make my reality (sexual intimacy with wife) as fulfilling as possible.
     
    Merton likes this.
  12. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    If you look on his website for the “go porn free in 2016” worksheet, the first question is to find a purely selfish motivation for quitting porn. For this reason I would not worry about whether this motivation is pure. One of mine is similar.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  13. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Back to one day clean. Decided to MO which lead to PMO very early Sunday morning. After that did it again both on Monday and Tuesday mornings.
    Aside from the obvious that I wanted to feel the "high" of P use I think maybe it is helpful to make note of some other factors involved. The Sunday morning episode happened after being up much later and drinking much alcohol at my school reunion the night before. As willing going to a school related thing like this is out of the norm for me, I thought maybe something "interesting" would happen. Someone would get really drunk or something along those lines. I guess something "dramatic". Nothing happened like this that I witnessed. I also had some strange feelings about being around people (especially the girl I had a crush on) I had not seen in such a long period of time. I'm running out of time so I'll start listing things:
    • My default is passive. I prefer when people initiate interaction with me
    • Time/life goes by so quickly and this is depressing for me
    • After acting out I had a few bouts of overwhelming sadness - probably related to the above
    • The stuff (P) I wanted to view was not nearly as interesting as I thought it would be
    • The O's from P were much, much less satisfying than from sex
    • It was definitely a conscious choice to "act out" I was able to recognize that I could have/had made other choices (even while about to use) but I still chose to PMO.
    • The idea of connecting with people more regularly fills me with hope
      • I discussed this a bit with my wife
    • I decided that it would be good to get more structured exercise in after work
      • I was able to implement this yesterday for the first time.
     
    Merton likes this.
  14. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Back to day 3.

    I have been in this frustrating pattern where at a pivotal point I will have two choices (porn vs a healthy option) and I will pick porn. This happened over the weekend. Literally had the option of going with my wife on an errand or staying home. Part of me knew that it I stayed home I would use and obviously that's exactly what happened. I even almost changed my mind at the last minute when she was leaving the driveway but the key word is almost.

    As I said it's been frustrating but I still have some hope that I can make the right choices in the future.
     
    Merton likes this.
  15. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 4

    Finally picked a healthy option. My wife and stepdaughter were at the store when I got home from work. Definitely had plenty of time for PMO but I mowed the lawn instead. Of course it helped that I was feeling tired and had no interest in P at the time. Still, small victories.
     
    Merton likes this.
  16. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Great work on abstaining man!
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  17. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 8

    Had a nice weekend. I think the key to me in having a good weekend (aside from no PMO) is to make sure that I am productive in some way. This weekend I could have done more but I was successful in making some progress on a hobby project and that boosted my mood for much of the weekend. I was hoping that sex might have happened but it did not.

    Yesterday I watched a wrestling documentary called "350 Days". I used to be a pretty big pro wrestling fan so it was pretty interesting hearing the old guys talk about what is was like being on the road that often. Towards the end of the documentary the issue of infidelity came up. Apparently the women that follow wrestlers around to their hotel rooms are referred to as "Arena Rats" or "Ring Rats". One wrestler said that there could be 35 women waiting for them of who they could "take their pick". One wrestler talked about how their "companionship" filled a void that was missing from being away from home. Another guy talked about how his limit was "three (women) a night". One thing I couldn't help but wonder about was what was the appeal for the women in this scenario? The best I could come up with is that it gave them a "good" story to tell. But who would be interested in the story? Other women I guess.

    With some of my porn related fantasies I never ask myself "what is the appeal for the woman". I'm guessing I would have an equally difficult time coming up with an answer.
     
  18. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Day 8 way to go!! Yeah it’s amazing what being productive does. My first few days I lates around not knowing what to do but now like you I’m keeping myself busy with home projects and hobbies. An addiction steals so much from a life, it’s crazy to think of the time that goes by while in the trap. Keep fighting the good fight.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  19. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Thanks for the support! I agree there's no greater feeling of regret than after spending (in my case) hours edging to P instead of doing something, almost anything else.
     
    JD1981 likes this.
  20. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 10

    Things are going well on the P front. No intense urges lately. I'm back to listening to PFR again. The last two episodes were really good.

    Work has been kind of stressful as various time consuming projects are piling up. I'll I can do is try to be as productive as possible.
     

Share This Page