The Naked Truth

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TrueSelf, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I think what I'm trying to do is take back some control. There are times when it feels like it is almost inevitable that I will PMO. I will have my day planned out, then a circumstance will change and I throw away my former plan for some PMOing. This is exactly what happened last Friday. My night could have gone one way (productive or even relaxing) but I choose the PMO route after learning I would be home alone. Even on the following day when this happened again (home alone unexpectedly) I had a fleeting thought of taking a break for one "last" PMO. I can remember a time when I felt much more in control when in these situations and I am working to get back to that state.

    One thought I had yesterday was to frame my thinking in a slightly different way. Instead of trying to get in the habit of not PMOing the habit/way of life I want to achieve is to only direct my sexual energy to my wife. Obviously a by product of living this way is not using erotic materials or masturbating. This way I am working towards doing something instead of not doing something.

    Finally even though this goes against the RR type thinking I am going to set some mini goals to get myself headed in the right direction (as I have had some success with this in the past). To that end my first goal is to make it through this upcoming weekend with directing my sexual energy only to my wife.
     
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  2. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Well it's obviously very early going but things have been good so far. I have settled into a quality morning routine (exercise, stretch, short meditation, read 5 pages of book) that I am hoping to turn into a habit.

    I had "euphoric" recall for some scenes I've watched in the past a few times yesterday. This was easy to see through, at least in part because the last time I "used" it was pretty disappointing. I wasn't able to find anything "new".

    I think my first big challenge will be this Friday. I have the day off. I have many tasks to get done as we are having a small gathering on Saturday. I am determined to start building momentum and not fall back on old behaviors.
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2019
  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    What works for me is seeing challenges like these not so much as hurdles, but more like opportunities. These are the instances where I can grow, these are the instances where I can make a difference. Having little challenges like these at the moment I've even kinda started to welcome them:)
     
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  4. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Thanks for your thoughts. I like your attitude!
     
  5. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Friday went well. I was busy all day. No time for PMO. It feels like it's been awhile since I've been able to celebrate a victory. It's a nice feeling.
     
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  6. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Something I have to remember to be careful of is letting the potential for titillation influence my behavior. For example yesterday I was looking at Amazon movies and one caught my eye due to the description and image. I ended up clicking on the preview. I need to get better about not doing this type of thing. I always end of getting in trouble if I allow my main motivation for engaging in something to be along the lines of "that chick looks hot"...
     
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  7. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I'm officially in double digits again. Tonight will be day 11. Had sex yesterday. It's interesting to me how I will build up having sex to such huge importance in my mind but then when I actually get to experience it that feeling goes away. Of course it's nice but it's very easy for me to make too big a deal of it and have reality fail to live up to expectations. Also had a short but strong "chaser effect" where I wanted to MO. Looking back it's interesting how for a brief period the thought of MO kind of made sense and I had to battle against the idea, but then later the idea was off-putting.
     
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  8. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Congrats on double digits! Let’s keep going!
     
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  9. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Bad sleep last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and had a difficult time getting back to sleep. My thoughts were centered on reunion that is coming up and my conflict about attending. On the one hand they seem very phony to me. However the person organizing it is putting in a lot of effort so I think it would be good to support her. I also think this would be a good "growing" experience for me as I would be willing taking myself out of my comfort zone.

    I'm not sure if I should mention this next bit but what I was most ruminating about last night was the fact that a person I pined over for basically all of high school will be attending (I'm assuming with her husband). I haven't seen said person in a long time. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't acknowledge that part of the reason I would like to attend is to see her again.
     
  10. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Morning Day 16- Yesterday was an extremely labor intensive and productive day. I did not think I was going to be able to finish what I was working on due to physical exhaustion, but I got it done.

    I also hung out with some friends for a bit last night. I was not in the mood to as I was very tired, but I was very happy for the companionship. We talked about the reunion that I mentioned in my last post. We've all decided to go. I think if I go into the event with a good attitude, and no preconceived negative opinion of people it will be a good time.

    Something I thought about yesterday is I think my issues are centered around "lustful fantasy/desires". I start thinking about something and porn will be the only "acceptable" outlet for these specific urges. It just seems more rare that I really want to just view porn. More so that I allow my thoughts to head down certain paths and only then is the desire to watch porn very strong. I'm not sure this distinction is particularly useful but I still wanted to make note of it.
     
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  11. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I've been attempting to practice the don't look twice/don't look for longer than 2 seconds (at a woman) technique. Intellectually even though I know that "checking out" these woman has no benefit and is actually sabotaging myself it is still difficult for me not to do. I think at least part of the reason is that I associate a disproportionately high value to people's physical appearance (this is something I have noticed about myself for some time and have not found good resources (books) to combat it). Thus if I see an attractive woman it seems like a "valuable" experience. The other thing that I have noticed (which relates to the don't look twice) is that sometimes a quick second glance for me brings me back to reality. By this I mean that sometimes if a look quickly again I realize the woman is "just a normal person" and not a "sex goddess" (or whatever I had projected onto her).
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2019
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  12. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    This is how it works for me too. I don't really long for porn itself, it's just a tool to use to give another dimension to my fantasies. About the usefulness of this distinction: I always find it best to deal with your problems as soon as possible. So in this case I guess that we should rather focus on the fantasies than on porn, because that is where it all starts. Ofcourse porn can trigger fantasies too, but perhaps it's most efficient to put your energy in creating a different relationship with fantasies.
     
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  13. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Back up to day 7.
    After my last post I relapsed after around 21 days. I think the main reason for the relapse was that I convinced myself that my run was not clean enough. Then I made it a week or so and inexplicably relapsed again. Edit: Its funny I wrote inexplicably but actually the reason for the reset (aside from the obvious that I choose to look at certain visual materials) was the result of a misunderstanding. The night before the reset I had woken up in the late hours to use the bathroom. Once I got back in bed I attempted to initiate sex. Basically I just started to rub my wife's back. I was rebuffed rudely. I thought maybe my hands were cold from just washing them so I waited awhile and tried again. I received a similar reaction from my wife. I was confused and also annoyed. The next morning while everyone else was still asleep I "took care of myself". I ended up asking her about what happened later that day. Evidently she had taken some pain medication which puts her in a very deep sleep. She thought she was dreaming that something was touching her and she was trying to shake it off...

    Despite being absent from here I have been pretty consistently journaling offline. I give myself a short time-frame in the morning and just type without censoring myself or forcing any particular type of content. Perhaps I will start writing here again instead.
     
  14. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 8
    Short work week for me. Just today and tomorrow to go. My wife and I are taking a short trip for the end of the week. I have been looking forward to it for some time. A fairly large part of the appeal was having undisturbed alone time together and thus ample opportunity for sex. I procured certain items to aid in bringing some variety and maybe excitement (at least for me) to the occasions. Alas my wife's cycle began at a most opportune time (started last evening). Honestly I am feeling very disappointed right now that things will not go as I had envisioned.

    My hope is that by purging my thoughts here I will be able to better enjoy our time together in whatever form that takes.
     
  15. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Day 9
    The other day a guy a work mentioned something involving some new(er) technology (being purposely vague) that could be very dangerous for me. I ended up reading one article about it. I tried to rationalize that the way I would potentially use it wouldn't be "bad" but ultimately determined that it would only serve to bring me "out of the present" and encourage unhealthy fantasies.

    On a more positive note yesterday while driving home from work I had the thought that I didn't think about porn (in a wanting to watch it way) or having any ogling issues the entire day. This was a refreshing change.

    I started listening to the podcast @Merton mentioned and noticed that there is an episode on "objectifying and ogling". I'm going to listen to it today as a preemptive measure prior to our trip.
     
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  16. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Great idea. That episode helped me a lot.
     
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  17. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    This is a much different journal entry than I planned on writing. I was hoping to be able to celebrate 2 weeks but instead I am back to day one.
    I am not trying to shirk responsibility for my choice to use but I think it may be helpful to reflect on contributing factors (listed in no particular order).
    1. breakdown in morning routine while away from home
      • it seems especially important to me to do some type of recovery work/reminder daily
    2. Environment was sexually charged at certain points
      • "saw" people having sex on the beach
      • walked by sex shops
    3. sexual frustration, resentment towards my wife
      • this was my issue and was the result of lack of communication
        • I need to get better at expressing my sexual desires/"needs
    4. trip failed to live up to unrealistic expectations
      • turned to P for fake excitement
    5. convinced myself Ming would be okay
      • it was not. I'm not sure why I have to keep relearning this lesson
    6. could have stopped prior to using P but choose not to
      • thought the "high" would be worth it
        • it was not
    7. one very bad ogling incident while away
      • happened while at pool
        • young woman repeatedly posed for pictures in a provocative way.
          • after looking once I found it very difficult to stop lusting
    Moving Forward
    1. Be more open/honest with wife
      • I struggle with this even though I feel much better when communicate about sensitive issue
    2. Have a better "away from home" and "returning home" plan in place
    3. Embrace the idea that certain things (that others would not be affected by) are off limits to me
    Its July 1st. I really would like a completely clean month (and beyond).
     
  18. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    That is unbelievable that you saw people having sex on the beach. I wonder how I would have reacted to this when I was deep in the addiction (and not hyper sensitized to anything sexual). I was also thinking about this when I described my experience of hearing people in the next hotel room having sex. Several years ago, would I have just thought “they are annoying”?
     
  19. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    They were somewhat discrete about it, as they were behind a beach windscreen and up on a dune. Surprisingly it was actually my wife who first noticed exactly what was going on. Another factor was that only the man was really visible and he seemed to be older... I would have be much more intrigued if it was an attractive woman that was exposed.

    As I mentioned I've been listening to Porn Free Radio, and when this happened it reminded me of the episode where Matt talked about seeing a couple having sex against a trash can.
     
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  20. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I had completely forgotten about that episode. It was surprising to me that he talked about this event as though it would be “no big deal” to a non addict.
     
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