The Naked Truth

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TrueSelf, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    I pray for your sake you are serious.

    I was the benefactor of tough love. (Aka indifference/dislike) from my mother.

    Stop fapping.

    Period.
     
  2. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    Well as expected I did have some urges when I was alone at home for a few hours today. I think the main arguments I was hearing were 1. "we're alone" and 2. lack of sex with wife (I thought there was a decent chance it would happen today but it did not). I was able to recognize where the thoughts were coming from and reject them. Interestingly when the beast thoughts were at their peak (which actually wasn't real bad as I knew they would be coming) it left me with a sick feeling when I considered listening to them. I just always need to remember that only one of us is really in control. In other words:

     
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  3. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    Not much to report. I'm continuing to recognize addictive thoughts. This really does seem to help. I am glad to have finally made it through a weekend porn free.

    Edit - Book Title
    I've been listening to "The Small Book" and reading through select sections of Rational Recovery.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2019
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  4. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    I did not realize it is on audiobook. I should look for it.
     
  5. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    The narrator is good. I wish it didn't focus so much on the problems with 12 step programs but it still has some good information.
     
  6. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    Last night I experienced another facet where the addictive voice (beast voice) attempts to assert it's dominance. I had a sexual dream that focused on one of the "themes" that I find appealing in porn. The experience seemed to be happening to other people but somehow I played some type of role. Like they were telling me about it but I could also see it happening. Anyways at some point (I'm not sure if I was still dreaming or I woke up) I became aware that "the beast" was attempting to guide my thinking. I don't recall having anymore sexual dreams after become aware of this.
     
  7. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    I've finished listening to The Small Book and I'm still reading Rational Recovery.

    One of the ideas in The Small Book is to contrast irrational "addict" thoughts with rational ideas. I'll attempt to do so below:

    Irrational thought: "Watching porn is exciting"

    Rational thought: "There is actually very little excitement involved. The activity plays out almost exactly the same every time. The truth is that what is actually sought is the rush of chemicals. Watching porn is not a way to add excitement to my life. It is a purely an attempt to feel good by getting a dopamine high"
     
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  8. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    Things have been going fairly well. I have been continuing to recognize "beastly thoughts". I've noticed sometimes it takes me longer to identify these thoughts than it should. Like I'll suddenly snap out of thinking about a questionable fantasy but I've already been having the thoughts for some time.

    I looked at my tracking spreadsheet and it's been 11 days since my last PMO. My results for February are below:
    PMO: 12
    SO: 1
    MO: 0
    Total Days 28
    Days Clean: 23
    Days PMO: 5
    Days SO'd: 1

    I've never used a spreadsheet for tracking before. It's kind of interesting looking at the data. Obvious conclusions are that when I do PMO I tend to binge. Also I would really like to see my sex orgasm number increase.

    One Addict (Irrational) thought that I'm having a hard time coming up with a strong counter to is the idea that never watching porn again will mean that I will not have any connection to certain sexual experiences. Putting it more bluntly it difficult to imagine never again having the ability to voyeuristically "enjoy" specific women/sex acts/scenarios.
    I'm still working on a formal rebuttal. The best I can come up with is that I'm just after the "high" and it's not really about the content of what I am watching. Further that I am not actually experiencing anything aside from watching recorded images and finally that my watching of these images is manufacturing the desire to continue viewing them.
     
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  9. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    These rebuttals sound very good to me. It is definitely true that when watching sex we are not having sex. It is a totally different experience that we are addicted to. Porn does not allow us to experience fantasy sex but only to vividly imagine them. Great work!
     
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  10. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    Try as I might I could not find Rational Recovery in any other format than paperback. I guess I'm forced to actually type quotes. I thought the below was worth sharing. I've modified it slightly from the original text to reference PMO compulsion/addiction (instead of drinking).

    While I was typing the above I had a realization about where some of my addict thoughts came from that I struggled with today. One irrational thought that has plagued me throughout my years of recovery efforts is that I am deficient and have "missed out" in life due to not having an "adventurous" sexual past. I am highly sensitive to any influence (primarily media but also occasionally the stories of others) that reinforces this idea. Anyways, my wife was watching a show this past weekend and one of the characters was going to have an impromptu sexual experience that is highly promoted and sought after. As an aside this is a network show and I was not watching it with her but I zeroed in on the scene as I walked by. I believe this is what planted the seed in my mind. I don't think it necessary to go into details but the addict thoughts centered around how through some insanely improbable events I might also have similar adventures of my own. I am hoping by writing this down it will help me to more easily identify these addict ideas in the future.
     
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  11. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    I had major issues yesterday that left me very frustrated. I was working on a very intricate part of a hobby project. I tried to make a small improvement when I should have just left it alone. This lead to me spending essentially the entire day (had the day off) working to correct what I had done. I was never successful. Very disappointing. The irrational idea to view porn was very tempting tempting. Thankfully I never viewed any porn despite the thought crossing my mind multiple times.

    Unfortunately this morning while I was in bed I had the idea to search for something on YouTube. Even though I recognized this as an addict trap that I have fallen into in the past I still typed in the search early this morning. Luckily I did not get the kind of search results my addict was hoping for. I did quickly fast-forward through one questionable result (did not have the sound on) but I did not expose myself to anything pornographic. I'm considering this a close call and not a relapse.

    I think moving forward I need to review my reasons for quitting porn each morning. It's too easy for me to minimize the effects of porn the further away I get from using it.
     
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  12. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Good job man. I myself have fallen into the YouTube trap many times. That's why I have safe search enforced on all my internet devices now. It sucks that you can't watch a lot of other videos that have nothing to do with porn/porn substitutes, but then again, feeling great is 100 times better.
     
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  13. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    Great work not following through on the acting out. I also think it is important to stay current on recovery so I fully support your idea to review your reasons.
     
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  14. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    So my addict side (beast) has been very active this morning. It's the usual: disappointment over not having sex (I had assumed this was a sure thing the other day), trying to convince me that I will go back to it at some point (so why not now), lustful desires for an attractive waitress that I saw last night (I did try to not notice her but I was not very successful as the place was busy and she keep moving around a lot), temptation of "finding" something new, blah blah, blah. The real reason is that the beast wants pleasure. It's a simple as that. I also realized that I am not even feeling aroused. The beast wants a "fix" nothing more to it than that.

    Somehow typing out the above actually helped and I am feeling more calm.
     
  15. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    One action item from Rational Recovery is to keep a Beast Activity journal for a few weeks. At this point I'm willing to try anything so here goes.

    Beast Activity Journal
    Addictive Voice "Beast Voice":
    Any thinking that supports or suggests the possible future use of porn or other erotic material.
    3/10/19
    1. Frequency - about once an hour
    2. Intensity - whispering vivid to vague thoughts
    3. Tone - friendly - romanticizing past use
    4. Circumstances - during quiet times while not actively engaging in other activities
      1. viewing TV - attractive actress
      2. exercise class - attractive participant
      3. euphoric recall of past viewing
      4. unease over infrequent sex
    I also thought it would be good to give myself a daily reminder of my consequences. It may be interesting to see if these change.

    Top Consequences of Using
    1. Time Waste - the feeling of wasting hours on an edging binge is really awful
    2. Unrealistic Expectations - for sex, for how "exciting" life should be, for what is important
     
  16. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    Beast Activity Journal
    3/11/19
    1. Frequency - about once an hour
    2. Intensity - whispering vivid to thoughts
    3. Tone - friendly - romanticizing past use
    4. Circumstances - during slower times at work
      1. euphoric recall over past viewing - "that was so hot when..."
      2. Trying to remember beast activity throughout the day will make me recall the beast activity (recall of scenes) again.
    Top Consequences of Using
    1. Time Waste - the feeling of wasting hours on an edging binge is really awful
    2. Unrealistic Expectations - for sex, for how "exciting" life should be, for what is important
    3. Hijacked Sexuality - I was thinking about this yesterday. Basically all the porn (pro/amateur) that I have seen was very likely orchestrated by men. They filmed what they and what they believed other men wanted to see. There is likely little to no consideration for what the women are interested in doing. This has the capacity to give me false beliefs about what woman want sexually.
     
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