The Naked Truth

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TrueSelf, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf New Member

    Yesterday I relapsed after over two months clean...

    I have been a member on another forum for several years. Over time I became very invested in the journeys of other members and it became difficult for me to not become obsessive in checking for various updates. After my relapse I decided that I needed a fresh start. There are some aspects of my addiction that I felt uncomfortable writing about when I joined the other forum. I have decided to be brutally honest in this log and to heck with any judgement I may receive.

    The below is a description of the type of material that I find the most difficulty in avoiding. I don't list the below to be salacious but as an attempt to be completely transparent and honest with myself.

    • Amateur Cuckold/hotwife/swinger content (especially interracial) - this became a big issue after getting married
    • "Nice" bums/anal sex - always have been interested in this since first viewing
    • "Swallowing" - always been interested in this since first viewing
    • Amateur content of uninhabited encounters - sex at a party, sex at a club, sex at work, cheating, etc.

    At the previous site I feel I was focused too much on a lofty goal of number of days clean. This really has to be a day by day commitment.

    I'll share more of my background and recovery efforts tomorrow.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2019
    Merton likes this.
  2. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    If you can't be truly honest with yourself on an anonymous forum, where can you be! Yes, be as completely, bare-faced, honest as you can be. Explore your mind and your habits to the depths here. Don't hold back on yourself. As addicts, we have become quite adept at living a lie and living the shame of that lie. As they say, a shadow disappears when you shine light on it!

    Good luck and looking forward to following your journey!
     
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  3. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf New Member

    Well it's been a rough go but I am finally 2 days free. Saturday was really bad. Three times PMO. Worse my was that my wife was being really flirty. I was "afraid" that she might attempt to initiate sex. How sad is that.. It didn't end up happening but it was very bad to put myself in such a position. I also found myself being slightly annoyed with how my wife was acting. Again how sad.

    Like many people, I was inspired by the recently referenced post from the Underdog about rebooting. Basically everything that he wrote about rang true to me. One of the things I like is the idea of using a spreadsheet. I have created a copy of the one from his post. I attempted to share it but I got an error message. I modified the spreadsheet slightly by adding an O (orgasm) column. In my many reboot attempts I have allowed O with my wife only and I will continue to use that same approach going forward. I think recording number of O's may provide some worthwhile data. If not at least it will give me something to actively track that does not have a negative value. I have always used a badge style tracker in all my previous attempts. Well, my previous attempts at rebooting have not proved to be successful in the long term so I must try a new approach.

    Speaking of new approaches I also really liked the Underdog's idea to make your journal focused on what you are doing to achieve your life's vision. I feel like this is where I have fallen short in the past. I was just focused on not using porn and not on how to improve my life. Not that much changed because I wasn't taking action. In that vain there are some concrete steps that I want to take to improve the quality of my life and relationships. I am trying to come up with trackable actions. I have made some progress with this and will share in a future entry.

    All that said in the spirit of my first post there is a general purging I feel I need to do concerning my actions with PMO.

    The things below where not my focus but I did watch them at certain times
    • sissy, shemale, cross-dressing - shameful because it goes against my sexual orientation
    • Zoo stuff -women with dogs, horses - was first exposed to this stuff in college, just feel gross to have watched this stuff
    • Singing up for site to be able to view reviews of escorts
    • Singing up for site to view reviews of strip clubs - interested in what "extras" were offered
    • Creating profile on swinging site to be able to view couples in my area
    • Viewing "causal encounters" type ads for my area
    As mentioned above I have always been interested in anal sex. I often watched videos where the women at least appeared to really enjoy this type of stimulation. Eventually I decided that since they seemed to be getting so much pleasure I would try it myself. This proved to be a kind of stimulation that I would periodically engage in for very long periods of time always in an effort to experience an O from stimulating this area. I also ultimately started watching "pegging" videos. In an effort to experience what I saw in the videos I purchased an expensive thrusting machine. I mention this because this type of stimulation is most pleasurable if I have not engaged in any other sexual activity for a decent period of time. This has lead to the end of many of my no PMO streaks because I have become convinced that stimulation of this type will be particularly good because I have not watched P for a "long' time
    Whew... I think that's the worst of it. I hope getting all that off my chest will help me to move on.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2019
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  4. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf New Member

    Start of Day 3

    I just ordered a special pillow to try to improve the quality of mine and indirectly my wife's sleep. She has made comments that I toss and turn a lot.

    Today I will work more on drafting more actions steps to improve my life. I will also listen to more recovery materials.

    I heard the below poem when I listened to Fight the New Drug's pornography recovery book. I find it's message inspiring.

     
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  5. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Yup, get it off your chest! Well done!!
     
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  6. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf New Member

    Beginning of day 4.

    Mild urges this morning when working through a quick yoga routine after working out. Not surprisingly the yoga instructor was attractive.

    I want to work through the program below as it is one of the more practical ones that I have come across. Pasting the summary below for reference.
    I had planned to write more but I am out of time.

    @Caoimhín Thank you for the support!
     
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  7. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf New Member

    Beginning of Day 5
    Yesterday I was working on my negative consequences for viewing porn. I tried to do them rapid fire. This is what I have come up with so far on my unrefined listing.
    • waste time
    • view world in sexualized way
    • appreciate wife less
    • less focus on goals
    • lack of motivation, empathy, purpose
    • deadened emotions
    • increase selfishness
    • increase fantasizing
    • decrease satisfaction with life
    • feel the need to chase the ghosts of images and situations
    • extinguishes the fire of life's desires
    • fuels insecurities
    • promotes, reinforces unhealthy views of women and dynamics
    Related to the last one I think I have some perhaps unhealthy views towards women in general. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this one. I think I have some mild anger, maybe distrust do to perceived rejections as well as searching for something from them that they can't provide. Related to this is that when I see a woman who I feel is attractive magically she is by default "interesting". I have no intention of talking to this person or learning anything about them. They could be the dullest person on earth but their beauty causes me to project this admirable quality on them. Not sure if this makes sense. In the simplest sense I don't like judging people so strongly by their looks. I think the quote below gets to some of what I am trying to say:
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2019 at 5:08 AM
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  8. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf New Member

    Messed up over my extra long weekend. The temptation to be able to "take my time" while alone was too much of a temptation. I'm currently two days clean and I'm feeling a little better. This weekend was a classic example of the Porn wastes time consequence. I was able to be somewhat productive but I was not able to accomplish nearly as much as I would have liked.

    To end on a positive note I did have another opportunity for PMO tonight but I did not have any desire to do so.
     
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  9. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    Good work on staying away from porn last night. For me, it is so difficult to get past a few days. After that I feel pretty good for a while until I get blindsided by urges. The key seems to be to stay connected to recovery so that you can continue to say no when the correct time comes.

    Also I really like the honesty about porn types and so on. It is good to get it out there. I listened to a bunch of SA audio files with people disclosing all sorts of unbelievable behaviors, so not matter what I am doing I suppose it is not much to be embarrassed about.

    I think the spreadsheet is the way to go. I recorded the number of pmos on mine after the last relapse. It helped to keep the binging down more than normal.

    Welcome by the way, although you seem to have joined a couple of weeks ago. Best of luck!
     
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  10. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    I just began my own journal on this forum and become quite attached to certain other threads. I really like this one, the honesty, the passion to strive to be better. Good job, keep it up and fight the good fight.
     
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  11. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf New Member

    I was finally able to update my tracking spreadsheet with an O not obtained through masturbation. My wife initiated sex last night. For the last several months I have waited for her to be the one to do any initiating. It seems to simplify things for me. If she initiates I am sometimes caught of guard, which is good. This allows for a more "natural" experience. I don't have time to develop a plan of how I think the sex should go. I was slightly afraid that I might have some erection issues due to the multiple recent relapses but thankfully this did not happen.

    I did find that it was more difficult than normal to stay present. Also the experience while nice was not nearly as intense as it is if I have been free from porn for a significant length of time.

    I've been trying to practice the "No Arousal" method with a balance of success and difficulties. The most appealing part of this method is to give my brain a rest and hopefully reboot to more normal levels. I associate an extreme level of importance to sex and attractiveness. It's seems like a real waste of mental resources to think so much about sex and to be always on high alert for any attractive women who I may encounter in my daily life.

    There is more I planned to write about but I am currently feeling intense brain fog and I am finding it very difficult to express my thoughts.

    I hope everyone has a nice weekend. Please find time to do something you truly enjoy and don't waste time with porn.
     
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  12. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf New Member

    One of the terms that some of the speakers use on the SA app that @Merton mentioned in his journal is Lust Addict. I have never been comfortable classifying myself as a sex addict. My "acting out" has never progressed to physically involving other people. Also I have only ever had sex with one person (wife) so calling myself a sex addict seemed weird. Porn addict is fair but I think lust addict is even more fitting. I have been lusting for various things (though sexual longings have been a huge component) most of my life. In the tapes people will often refer to themselves as "recovering sex addicts". I like this even better as it gives a sense of hope. Despite my numerous, numerous setbacks I like to think that I have started to recover. At the very least I question more what I am doing and how I am living. I can recognize what effect my actions will have on me. Are they pulling me further from recovery or inching me closer to it.

    Yesterday I had a couple chances to indulge in lust. First happened when we (wife and I) took my parents out for breakfast. Our waitress was young and cute. Everything was fine at first until I noticed she had tight black pants on. Quick glance - nice bum - yup! - "damn it". So the rest of the meal I had to force myself not to take any more glances. It was annoying but necessary. As stated above my brain needs a rest. Hopefully I will eventually reach a point where I don't feel the need to take that initial glance. Later we went to a liquor store. The clerk was again attractive and young. Her hand brushed mine as I placed our purchase on the counter. Uh Oh - physical contact... In this case I did successfully resist noticing her body (to put it crudely I did not check out her ass) so it was much easier not to descend into some ridiculous mental lusting scenario.

    In one of my earlier posts I mentioned that I wanted to make some positive changes in my life (as inspired by the Underdog post). These are not as developed as they should be but I think they are a starting point.

    Diet/Fitness
    • Track reps and weight used
    • Track (I think I can just modify the PMO tracker) snacking, extra helpings, desserts
    Marriage
    • increase intimacy - this idea is very foggy.
    • sexual adventure - When I watch porn I live through the actions of others. I want to create my own "adventures". I spoke with my wife about this yesterday and she had some ideas.
    Friendships
    • quarterly "guys nights out"
    • Summer group trip together
    • more planned events - summer party, winter party, etc.
    Step Daughter
    • greater involvement in her life
    • give her more guidance and attention
    Self
    • Self Improvement
      • Continuing education courses
      • learn/relearn second language
      • volunteering
    • Develop passions
      • start web-page to showcase hobby
    • More doing & taking action
      • more reading
        • less movies, TV, YouTube
     
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  13. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf New Member

    This is ridiculous but I have to report relapsing yet again yesterday. The day started off so well. I exercised, I shoveled, used the snowblower, got gas, went to the store. Then my wife went to work and I was alone. I had a plan for my day. Finish a hobby project I was almost done with, do some reading, sign up for a class, and do a small home project. Almost as soon as my wife left the house the urges hit. I tried to ground myself with something real. This turned out to be a mistake. My wife had mentioned using the 100 days of Great Sex Book as a way of increasing sexual adventure. I looked through two of the ideas. Both took quite a lot of planning and were expensive. I got discouraged. "When will we actually do any of these ideas"? I did a search for something. Then porn search. Then opened the search. Decided there was no turning back. PMO'd. Took a long time. Finally finished. Thought that was it. Happened twice more throughout the day.

    I think my current issues are these.
    • Multiple recent relapses have left me very discouraged
    • It is very hard for me to resist the brainwashing that sex (especially varied sex life) is monumentally important
    • The idea of never watching porn again is scary and puts a feeling of enormous pressure on myself
    • Part of me does not want to give up the false "excitement" and "possibilities" that porn provides
    What I can do today
    • Begin to build momentum by staying away from sexual and enticing material
    • Make the choice to stay clean
     
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  14. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    I relate greatly to all of this. This exact scenario could have happened to me. Regarding being afraid never to use porn again, rational recovery says to listen to your response in your head when you consider never using again. It is a mixture of good and bad response. They say the bad is entirely your addict voice.
     
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  15. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf New Member

    Thanks @Merton. I read through the crash course on the Rational Recovery website. I really identified with the ideas presented. I attempted to notice when "the beast" side of me was thinking and it actually was helpful. I ordered the book and I am hopefully that it will go into more detail on the technique and the ideas behind it.

    Toolbox Quotes - I'll add to this over time

    "The Book" - Importance of sex
    Rational Recovery
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2019 at 5:52 AM

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