Wow. What an accurate portrayal of an energetic search with meager results. A good description of many P sessions.
Hey TrueSelf. So glad you were able to step back from the brink even if you encounter the same battle later on. Since our society is dripping in sexuality we are accosted constantly and couple that with our normal and natural appetite for sex it is what we have to always be on guard for
Day 7. I have completed the first week of the program. Day 7 is to include a review. Wins: I did not view porn or MO this week. I exercised Mon-Friday. I meditated (Calm App) each day. I successfully limited my phone use earlier in the week. Challenges: Work stress towards the end of week. Looked at a click bait article on Facebook and was exposed to some artsy nude pictures. Took me much longer than necessary to click away. Had an overnight away with the wife. At one point she offered to do some sexual stuff but the timing was not great (she had just started her period). I was conflicted as I was worried it would feel similar to MO. I felt very tired on Saturday and also today. I am off to read, journal, then bed soon. Lessons: Be more mindful of any links that I click on, ask myself why I am clicking on them and avoid "autopilot". Night journaling seems worthwhile and I would like to continue it. I do better when I limit social media. It is easy for me to turn to sugary food for a quick dopamine hit. Improving my diet would be helpful.
UGH... Another fall. Time to get back on the horse. I'll redo week one of the program I am working through.
I've read some some religious lectures and it suggests what you are doing, it's no just to stop doing something wrong, if we do it that way, then we are leaving gaps and the daemons will looks for those empty spaces and full them with temptation. So that is great, make an agenda and be disciplined following it, that will leave no room for temptation to attack.
I'll hit day five again in a bit. I am currently battling with resetting regularly every 7 to 10 days. I mainly wanted to make this post to remind myself about what happened last night. This past evening there was a potential opportunity for "alone time" with my wife. However, most likely nothing would have happened if I had not made a move. The making a move part is what I want to make note of. I started by touching her leg. I found this terribly exciting. Why is this worth calling out? Well, when I am deep in the porn haze I think that my sex life needs to look a certain way. That there are certain sexual things that I need to experience to feel fulfilled. However, when I am not making these comparisons I find that what I do get to experience seems so very satisfying.
Hit by some deep sadness this morning. Not sure what brought it on. Exercising this morning helped a bit to soften it. Off to the office now.
I used to get "unexplained" melancholy feelings very often - going back to high school days. They are very tough sometimes to handle and def were a reason I used PMO to self-medicate for many years. Good for you for finding a healthy way to alleviate them a bit! Those feelings actually run in my family and are clearly genetic for me. I get them less now - after I started telling myself they are "not real" and just part of my body's chemical imbalances. But good for you for staying strong!
@Boxer17 has written multiple times about his biggest struggle being resisting voyeuristic "opportunities" towards women he encounters in daily life. This got me thinking about what I most struggle with in regards to porn? I haven't given up porn because I must feel it provides me with something. If I had to distill it down to one thing I think it would be control. I value being able to curate my "sessions" to such a degree that the internet provides. I find it exciting to think of what I might be able to find via web searches. To find a woman who looks a certain way and responds (I think this is even more important to me than looks) to a sexual situation in a way that I am wanting her to. Well, I am out of time already. I will come back to this later today.
But also don't forget that a large part of that craving of what it provides for you, is created by the consumption of it. As long as the neural pathways are there, the use of porn seems essential for 'something' but that is an illusion. If you manage to break through that period of weakening those neural pathways, you will end up with merely 'those other reasons to use porn', the escapism, but by then you already have more space between impuls and action.
Messed up the other day. Plan for 90 clean days before the end of the year has failed. I am going to try posting in the afternoon after work but I wanted to get the ball rolling this morning. I am still hopeful for a couple PM free months before the end of the year.
