I'm trying to get us into a once a week routine (like you have going on). A week seems to be a good length of time for sexual desire to build up a good amount. Initiating is awkward. This last time I just said, "have sex"? I tried for sex yesterday as well but it didn't happen. My wife was feeling a bit under the weather. I think she was willing to go for it anyways, but then my step daughter came home earlier than expected.
I've thought about journaling many times but it has been weeks since my last entry. It's been a mixed bag. The most horrible thing was that I recently learned that someone close to me (being purposely vague) was sexually assaulted when they were very young. Awful.. Much less significant but seemed a "big deal" initially was some unexpected work stress that came my way. This caused porn/MO to seem like a good idea for a bit. Prior to the work stuff I was in a nice phase where PMO was hardly on my mind. That was nice. We are going on vacation soon. My wife has been really looking forward to it. I am slightly concerned that she has built it up too much and it may not live up to her expectations. Also apparently revealing swimsuits are in fashion at the place we are going so I may face IRL "triggers". One cool thing is that I am on track to hit 30 days while on vacation. Well not much of an entry but at least I got something down.
It only took twenty days for it to happen again (had to figure it out based on the date of my previous journal entry). My wife made a comment that there was "a lot". Yup, 20 days worth . Yesterday was good!
It's been months since my last entry. I made it to over 30 days but ultimately gave into MO during the vacation I wrote about in one of my last entries. There was lots of exposed flesh and MO seemed like something I had to do at the time to relive the sexual pressure/tension that I felt. There was no opportunity for sex with wife during the trip as we were never alone. I was able to sneak in the MO while my wife and step daughter were at the spa.. After the MO I had this irrational belief that my streak (or whatever) was no longer "pure" and I ultimately decided to PMO at some point in late April. Then from 5/1/22 I was clean for awhile then PMO'd one more time. I've been PMO free since 6/1/22 (as noted in my sig). One thing I wanted to make note of is that right before going to full PMO in April I had the strong thought of feeling: "There's nothing for you here", and I almost didn't view porn . Obviously "almost" doesn't count for much but, I do like to think this is a sign that part of me is getting a bit stronger & more likely to make better choices.
My wife and I are going away for a few nights early next week. I am confident I will be able to stay clean until then. The "letdown" of returning from our mini vaca may lead to porn seeming attractive again. Hopefully being prepared for said feelings will help to lessen their impact. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but I have linked using porn with "excitement". I think it is a holdover from youth where it was exciting to find boobs on an r-rated movie. This was long before the internet was around. I'm tired of trying to find this feeling from porn. Porn is not exciting in the least. It's always the same deal and I watch the same stuff. Literally. I seem to go back to certain scenes repeatedly. It's very lame! In an effort to do something "daring" in real life I suggested something scandalous (by our standards) to my wife. Edibles! She was game, so we procured said items this past weekend. We have never done them or any drug before. They are legal where we live and also where we will be visiting (btw.) The plan is to try them during our nights away. I got the kind that are supposed to enhance intimacy . We'll see how it goes. Maybe it will be great or maybe we won't like the experience. I'll report back. Right now I am feeling good that we are going to try something different which will hopefully be fun.
I take edibles about once a year and really enjoy the experience. I think you and your wife are going to have a great time! You probably already know this, but don't take more than 5 milligrams. Edibles sneak up on you and it's easy to overdo it. Yup, I did the same. I would surf endlessly looking for that one clip that would thrill me but you never find it. I like your energy!
Triggers - I've been exposed to some triggers recently. 1. My wife was watching a Netflix movie. I walked by just as a sex scene was starting. Of course I paused in my passing by . I was surprised at how "porn like" the scene was considering I think the movie is marketed towards women . Eventually I was able to keep moving. 2. Last night my wife and I went to a dance. It had lots of younger folk. Some of these kids (18+) were really into dirty dancing! Also when we first got there a pack of dudes seemed to be checking/out commenting on my wife (I could be wrong about this - they were a distance away). I have mixed feelings about this. We go on our short trip tomorrow. I hope it will be a good experience despite the weather not looking the best. In terms of the intimacy stuff (which yes I am thinking about it too much) I have decided that if I want things to go a certain way I will speak up about what I am desiring. On a past trip I was hoping that something would happen and it did not. My wife is not a mind reader. I harbored some resentment for a bit as a result. "If you don't ask, the answer is always no". I think that's about it for now.
The short trip had its good and not so good points. It was fun just hanging out with my wife for a couple days. The bad part was that we had unexpectedly much less privacy at the place we were staying than I expected. I was kind of pissed about this and wanted to stay elsewhere. My wife was a real tropper about the situation and was still up for sex even given the less than romantic atmosphere. It's rough trying to get down when you can hear people so close by. We took the edibles. Not much of an effect. I think we didn't give them enough time to kick in. We tried them again yesterday and felt more impacted. It seemed like a bit of a sleepy/mildy drunk feeling. Nothing too intense. I guess I was thinking it would be more of a euphoric feeling. Before the trip I had a dream where I found out my wife was not attracted to me. In the dream I tried to get her to take the statement back but she would not. Coincidentally, during our trip my wife made a point of saying how nice she thought I looked. I did not tell her about the dream. Another thing of note is that we went to the beach and I had the "doom" feeling happen for a bit. I felt it as we passed a group of younger people that included girls in revealing (bum showing) bathing suits. I think I felt bad because I never experienced being part of such a group in High School or College. Seeing them was a reminder that I "missed out" on some experiences when I was younger. Urges for PMO have been low lately.
Just wanted to make a quick note of a nice, productive day with no PMO and few if any urges to use. My wife and I were able to get even more done than I had hoped today. This is a very nice contrast to days off in the past were I fittered much of my time away on a loonnnggg PMO binge. I've also started an online course about "sexual mastery". I'll report back if it bears fruit.
I bought a torch and burned some weeds in our gravel driveway yesterday. It was pretty fun! I had very strong thoughts (urges) to search for certain content early this week. I made it through that day and my thoughts stabilized. Again (basically right now) I am plagued by similar thoughts. I have been down this road many times and viewing stuff never turns out to be nearly as "exciting" as I think it will be. Probably best for me to get offline now. I'm going to go read a book that I have been enjoying.
Sometimes I think I am getting a bit stronger, making progress and then.... My immediate goal is for a clean December. I know I can do it. There is quite a bit that I could yammer on about that has happened since my last entry. However, right now I need to just get the ball rolling.... Post.
I did not have a clean December or January. I have a bit of a streak going. New plan is to fan that small spark until hopefully: Next post I will write about what has been working for me.
Hi True Self. That is an accurate observation. It's sometimes like the lure of the viewing draws one in, then after entering that domain you ask yourself "what am I doing here". The whisper of delicious things is that dopamine speaking. Your statement "I'm going to go read a book I've been enjoying" was a good response to the whisper.
It has been a long time since I have posted. Still not porn free. Yesterday I watched a documentary about a man that bought a motel so that he could secretly spy on the activities of his guests. One quote that has stuck with me was something like, "he devoted an enormous amount of time to his activities for very little payoff". This is very similar to my relationship with PMO. I sometimes get brief glimpses of something that I am looking for (or think I am looking for?) but mostly it is just an endless search for which there is no end. I have started yet another program. Today is day 1.
Completed day 1. Each day seems to have a writing exercise component. Here's a sample from yesterday.
@TrueSelf Thanks for sharing your writing component. You got a lot of great insight insights expressed there! I think we all can relate to much of it, especially what you wrote about the negatives, including always looking for the "next level" of porn engagement to fuel our never ending desire for increased excitement, as the prior content stops doing the trick. also "Porn use lends itself to selfishness and seclusion. I think about my next fix or high and discard all the good things & people in my life" rings loud and true as well You are doing great! keep up the good work. One day at a time!
Confession: Possibly Triggering - cam site usage. I want to try to unburden myself so I am going to discuss my recentish dabbling into the world of cam sites. Cam sites have, previous to the episode I am about to describe, always been a hard stop for me. They feel more like "real" cheating to me than viewing prerecorded material. Even though at various times I was curious about the cam sites I avoided them. Some time back I convinced myself that using them in a particular way would not be as bad. I liked the idea of an attractive woman encouraging me to MO. She didn't even need to be nude. She could encourage me with her words alone. This idea stewed in my mind for a long time until I eventually used one site. Lucky for me it was a pretty crappy experience. The pricing structure was confusing. I opted for converting gift cards into credits. Then it was unknown how much the woman would charge. Also I assumed that the woman would speak to me but the performer I picked only typed (no audio). I tried a few offer performers but it was also not great. I ended up abandoning the sessions. I think I spent a couple hundred dollars worth of gift cards for like 10 minutes of total interaction. To be continued.... Continuing... As I said luckily the experience was pretty bad however there were glimmers of elements that I probably could have taken a deep dive into. It was good that I did not interact with a "performer" that acted exactly in the way I was seeking. I think what I was looking for was a woman to give me sexual compliments. After the above event I "researched" for a bit and found a site that seemed much better. The payment system was much more transparent, the performers used audio and they were more attractive than the first site. I debated back and forth but ultimately decided it would be very bad to get drawn deeper into cam sites.
