I am starting a new thread as I have crossed over to the 40s group. Here's my old thread: https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/the-naked-truth.117008/ Still have issues with PMO. Lasting recovery remains challenging elusive. I would like to use this thread to gain some forward momentum of "clean" days. After using yesterday while I was alone in the house. I thought how about one of the aspects I dislike the most about PMO is that it can make me feel like a prisoner. I am left with the feeling that I have no choice and will "always" use when certain circumstances are present. I hope to be able to shrug off these handcuffs and remember that I "always have a choice" in the manner that I live my life.
Let's see . I'm a couple days clean. I had some vivid dreams last night. I'm interested in Lucid Dreaming but I have only been able to accomplish it once. I've also started yet another recovery program. I purchased it online. So far it involves listening to a series of short audio clips. I'll report back if it ends up being helpful. One of my big issues with conquering PMO is that I get burned out on recovery efforts. If only recovery could be quick and low effort!
LOL right! I feel the same way about food, too. Why can't I eat what I want and not gain weight? This is the crux of it. It is easy to start things, but to follow through is another matter. But, you have the grit to do it, TrueSelf!
recovery for me is always at the forefront but i have a life. what i mean is i am busy, too busy to even think about pmo. but not just busy for the sake of being busy. i have a purpose. i have goals. big and small goals. when i concentrate on one of these goals it is hard to concentrate on pmo. i can't multi task that way. and for that i am grateful. now don't get me wrong. i am not important. my goals are not going to change the world, but they are changing me. examples: i will finish this book by x date. i will work out in the morning before i go to work. after work i will practice my music from x to y oclock. i have a daily schedule with positive events in it. also i have a wife and kids i have to fit in there. no room for pmo. another one of my ramblings. hang in there.
"If not now, then when"? I have been away for a long while. I am still in a seemingly endless cycle of being clean, "something" happens, and ultimately resetting. I often have the temptation (while in a period of using) of justifying "one last" time. But when will the last time really be? "If not now, then when"? The solution is easy. Make a decision to never use again. However deciding and holding firm are very different.... Just some musing. I felt inspired to try to make the remainder of the year a good one so that's way I'm here.
Where to start today? How men and women view porn use: Why do men and women view the use of porn so differently? The common reaction of women seems to be one of total devastation upon finding out their husband/ boyfriend uses porn. Why is this consistently the outcome? Honestly if I found out my wife viewed porn I would be curious. What is she watching? Can we do some of the stuff she enjoys viewing? Is this a way for me to learn more about her sexuality?. Women always seem to be both threatened and repulsed. Sometimes I feel like women want to be in complete control of their partner's sexuality. This seems wrong. I would never tell my partner she can't masturbate but some wives seem fine with doing just that. The above are some random thoughts I have had. Just wanted to get them out. Urges have been pretty mild. This is to be expected this early in the game.
Welcome back TrueSelf ! Good to have an update on you. Good luck with your new resolve ! Keep at it !
@badger and @Thelongwayhome27 thank you for the welcome and encouragement! So Many Thoughts... It's funny some times I can't think of anything to write about and sometimes there is so much I want to get down it's hard to know where to begin. I'll list some things now for future reference The Wife Stress My physical appearance Comparing myself to others Unrealized dreams Scanning for/looking at women childhood wounds Need to feel desired The importance of sex Porn amnesia "Euphoric recall" Triggers Triggers: Perhaps my biggest trigger to look at porn is being home alone. Specifically unexpectedly/with short notice finding out that I will be home alone. This creates a very powerful urge. It's like a switch. I will have planned to do something and then upon learning I will be alone it will seem inevitable that PMO will replace the planned activity. If I go the PMO route it will follow that I will be afraid that I did not "cover my tracks" and somehow left evidence of what I was doing behind. So typically even though I know I thoroughly "cleaned up" I will have to do another frantic look around as soon as I hear my wife/step daughter returning to the house. It feels very shameful to be in such a state. Where is this all coming from? What is the source? Like many others growing up, when I was home alone I would PMO. Most likely every time I was home alone I would PMO. Often times you never know when you will have the "opportunity" again. Also it was typically not know how long my parents/brother would be gone so I would often stop and check (while in the middle of PMOing) to make sure that no one had pulled into the driveway. This made things stressful, similarly to what happens with my frantic double checking to make sure nothing is out of place following PMO to this day. Clearly I am "living in reaction to my history". Things are different now (I'm married, I'm an adult) but I still react to time alone as I did when I was much younger. I'm hoping that typing out the above will help me to make better choices the next time I am alone in the house. I always have a choice and I do not have to listen to my addict self!
Yeah, I can understand that. I think it's the living a double life that makes us feel shameful in such a situation. I think with addiction there can also be an element of doing something that is dangerous or not completely permitted. That element gives us an additional adrenaline shot or sense of excitement (when ''drunk'' during the act). Afterwards it gives place to the shame. It serves a purpose of giving us a very short momentarily sense of freedom, of escape from the situations we feel stuck and pressured into, the situations of our lives, whichever they are. We reach for the addiction because we feel limited in our own lives. But then healing would be to either learn to transcend some of our limitations in our real lives (by addressing the mental barriers or fears there) or by learning to be more comfortable in that limitation. Or perhaps a combination of both of these.
I can relate to a lot of your struggles @TrueSelf : home alone as a trigger, the stress of wondering if you'll be found out, the lie of "this time is the last". Keep reminding yourself of the truth. Now that you have identified a primary trigger you need a game plan for the next time you will be home alone / find out you will be home alone. I can heartily recommend Queppet's Metascript Method, available here: https://universalman.com/free-guides/metascript-method/ Strength to you in any case. All the best
Being home alone can be a powerful trigger. You have built a strong association up with it and using porn. You have plans but your brain suddenly craves a high dopamine fix, must get it soon because you know there is only limited time to shoot your brain out. The shame comes from the double life, true. But also because it is a betrayal (depending on your relationship) to your wife (mental infidelity), and a betrayal of yourself. The thing that you thought was a great escape, a the ultimate treat, is actually destroying you. I fully agree with @Rudolf Geyse you need a plan for when this situation arises, to make sure you unswitch the switch.
@Thelongwayhome27 ; @Rudolf Geyse ; @positivef . Thank you for the feedback. Insightful thoughts. Much I still need to ponder. I am currently working through an online program from George Collins who wrote "Breaking the Cycle". One of the exercises is to "demystify" your triggers which is what I attempted to do with my home alone discussion. If you are able to expose your triggers it is supposed to take some of their power away. Another thing that is not good about porn use is that it can be such a time waster. The amount of time that can pass by while searching for new material can be shocking. For the longest time I think this "seeking" behavior is what has given me the most "high". Finding a new "exciting" scene was more of a hit than actually using it. Despite this, lately I find myself returning to a few certain scenes from certain performers time and time again. Like the trigger exercise, I think it is worth a shot to try to demystify them as well. The "perfect" (appearance wise) woman - although I think this person is currently around my age she was only 18 in the scene. I think this person represents beautiful women who I would see real life and wish that I could be with them. She embodies all the women I was interested in while I was younger but never took the chance to pursue. I guess she most symbolizes "missed opportunities". The "typical" P star - "curves for days", lots of makeup, vocal, enthusiastic, laughs - appears to be having a great time. In this scene the guy is dominant (not abusive) and the woman is thrilled to please him. I think this person represents what a part of me would like sex to be like. Still need to explore why I feel this. The "alternative" P star - This person engages in certain sex acts I am interested in. This person has a look that is intriguing to me. I think this person most represents the idea of being strongly sexually desired. Part of me would like to experience being strongly lusted after. Still need to explore why I feel this need.
You've made a great list here TrueSelf. Some deep, thought-provoking topics that will require a lot of introspection. Good observation. So many of our ingrained patterns develop during our formative years. Becoming aware of this is the first step on the path to change.
YouTube So the other day I was going to write about how one of the good things I have done recently is drastically reduce my YouTube consumption. How did I do this? Well it was actually very easy. I used to have an icon for YouTube on the bottom of my Chromebook and I deleted it. Not seeing the icon helped to greatly reduce my "need" to visit the site. Another thing I did was to start using an Amazon Echo to stream music while exercising instead of listening to music through YouTube. This was all good until I saw an article about "Spiderman: No Way Home" and I ended up on a YouTube video and then I got sucked in a bit. I started viewing a podcast that included discussion about gaining wealth and people being rich/successful at young ages. The person being interviewed has kind of a questionable reputation but is wealthy and is know for having a "lifestyle" with lots of beautiful women seemingly hanging around him at all times. I eventually stopped listening to the podcast but it left me with a feeling of inferiority and jealousy. I think I was more so jealous of the women thing. I have always thought that it would be great to be highly desired by beautiful women and in turn be able to experience a varied and "exciting" sex life. As can probably be guessed this has resulted in an increased desire to look at porn. The program I am working through recommends dialoguing with your addict self which is what I will attempt to do below. Dialogue Seeker: Well now's our chance we're alone. Let's do what we always do, time to PMO. Me: No, I don't want to do that. Seeker: Of course you do. Quit stalling. You know that you'll give in eventually. Just do it now. It will be quick. Me: It's never quick. We search for hours for what we can never find online. Searching for, but never finding the "perfect scene" won't be satisfying. You know this to be true. We've done it countless times in the past. If not immediately after the fact, in the days following PMO leaves us feeling defeated. We will eventually want to quit again eventually. Wouldn't it be better to engage in something that doesn't lead to negative feelings? Seeker: Nah.. Worry about that tomorrow. Right now is the chance to look at hot chicks. Me: Right now is our chance to do the next right thing. We also have a choice and PMO is never the correct one. What else can we do? How about we do the dishes then work on our hobby project. Seeker: Sounds lame but I guess we can do that today.
YouTube has the potential to be a brilliant learning resource, but like the internet itself it requires focus. I guess one of my goals it to use it by choosing what to watch and then actively watching, instead of mindlessly click on one 'low value' video after another. I love the dialogue idea, it has the potential to delay acting out and getting the rational mind to wake up.
@TrueSelf another great post. Doing something to disrupt your "muscle memory" of searching for P is so helpful, for sure - even as simple as deleting an icon. Can you go deeper with blockers etc I wonder? I've used similar techniques to that dialogue - so helpful. Keep up the good work
