I remember when a girl in a bikini was enough to turn me on, but that seems like centuries ago i cant even remember if it did. Now i need a girl suckin a big cock and get turned on by her farting. This is some seriously sick shit. I mean what the fuck. It seems like i need gross shit to get aroused. Its even making me question my sexual orientation, like am i jerking off to the cock or the girl? I dont even know anymore. I swear this is the hardest stuff to quit. Ill go a week, then start finding myself peeking whether it be provocative youtube videos or google images. I cant seem to escape but i have too for my future wife and kids
Good news, what's "sick shit" to you is soft oldhat to me, and I'm doing just fine in recovery. Take some time off, install some porn blockers or even cut the internet for a month or so if you can, you'll come back from this.
Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of porn addiction. . . You are not your search history. Be assured that your late night searches say nothing at all about you. I say this a lot, but start the process of recovery by taking some time to forgive yourself. Whatever boundaries you crossed were because of your brain getting tolerant of the dopamine produced by regular porn, and, just like a junky, you needed more to get that same hit. It's the dopamine that you like, not degrading stuff. I sometimes think it's easy to quit the more hardcore stuff, because that's not around you every time you go online.
IDK. I started this endevour over a year ago and can't say that I have not lost my taste for the sick shit. Well, yes I am now turned off by the more extreme stuff but there's some on the sick end of the scale that I still enjoy and I don't see that really going away. Maybe my taste for that stuff was always there and had nothing to do with porn escalation... I don't really konw. Fortunately I think my sick level is pretty tame but I have found myself curiously aroused by some stuff on the sick end of the scale. When you said "like am i jerking off to the cock or the girl?" I'm sorry but I burst out laughing because I know exactly what you mean. And when watching a cuckold video, am I fantasizing about being the instigator or the cuckold. I like to believe not the latter but it's the same situation where I question what's really turning me on. The good news is that you can live without it and yes, you will start to get turned on by normal stuff. Girls in bikinis is too common. Everywhere you look today you can see women scantily clad in binkis or underwear. Even just out in public with the yoga pants they wear which leave nothing to the imagination, while great eye candy, can't help but seem too ordinary to be turned on much. I'm married and there was a time when my wife barely turned me on but now I get turned on just looking at her neck. I wasn't much of a breast man before but I'm finding myself turned on by the sight of luscious firm mounds beneath her clothing, or her ass sticking out. She can change in front of me and I enjoy it but I don't get wood (and I think that's normal) but if she even remotely does something provocative or indicates interest in sex, and it's boner city. So a good long break from porn and the cravings for all of that stuff fade away to the back of your mind only awaken by triggers. Eventually your brain gets starved for excitement and starts to find it in normal everyday sexuality. Also, despite what I look at all day that does nothing for me, once I get even remotely started with her and it's boner city. I have no problem getting aroused, it's staying hard long enough to do the job and I blame that on PMO. I do take some ED meds to help keep it up and it's working great. Hopefully I won't want to keep using that forever. So the bad news? You'll always have the taste for some sick, but perhaps the worst of it will seem gross after a while. Good News? Yes I think you can return to some form of normal turn-ons.
Greg, that's the desensitisation that messes up a lot of us. You're not alone. When I 'started' I had the same; 1 girl in a bikini would do the trick, or a topless scene on television. About a year ago I needed big cocks, misogynist images and ropes and what not to get me aroused. I felt sick of myself and I diagnosed myself with HOCD. Thankfully I have been actively rebooting and rewiring and I feel normal again. Sometimes I find myself on YT browsing videos with sexy girls. That's okay. As long as you stop jerking off to hardcore porn and manage to get away the YT movies, you'll be fine. It takes time and courage, this is one of the hardest things to get over. Good luck Rw
I'am also in a wierd position. I get now an instand erection of a girl who gives a blowjob no matter wich one. It depends on the day and how i feel. I relate about the bikini pictures though, it was mostly enough to get an good erection.
This is the best answer, and I hope OP takes it to heart. Good luck, OP. A lot of people have struggled with the struggles you describe before.
