The long road to release

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by marvin, Apr 29, 2014.

  1. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Thanks Wilco,
    so true. I followed your adivce, came back home, dinner with my wife and the kid, watched a film. But the film .. "The wolf of wall street", bad choice definetly! Sex, orgies, alcohol, drugs and depravation all the time :eek: but i could watch it with a certain distance, i enjoyed it finally.
    It's day four, and i'm good. For now.
  2. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Day 7
    i woke up this morning and i thought "Yeah, i can really do it!". Weekend has serenely passed, i didn't think to p, just few moments but no strong urges so far. I must keep on avoiding every trigger and staying alert all the time. Quietly, strong and mindful. I've also a lot of work to do, sure this will help me to stay away from p. The most amazing thing is that currently i don't need to force myself or resist to my impulses, this time seems that healing process is naturally happening. I know it's just this moment, bad days will come but i don't care now, i'm trying to enjoy the benefits gained from these free days. One day at time. I really hope to achieve a completely free life, one day. Head up guys, i've realized that often my mood is proportional to the direction of my look.
  3. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Here i am again.
    I stayed away a couple of months from the forum, but i've relized that it's definetly positive to share my thoughts with you. I was just sick of reporting my countinual relapses and failures. Well, i can tell you that i feel like a heroin addict. No strong urges in this moment but i know they're coming. My longest period without pmo was 8 days, and it was a nice goal. I started to read both YBOP by Gary Wilson and No more Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover and they're helping me a lot, believe me. The first one because it carefully explains this addiction and all its consequences, giving me the chance to really understand why quit pmoing is the best thing i can do..
    regarding the second book, well guys, you have no idea how many similar aspects described by the author are part of my life, my behaviour, my personal way to interact with people. Above all, it really shows me how to overcome the boundaries of my nature, those which caused me to fall into this mess. i've just to stop repeating all my insane patterns over and over again, but it's really hard guys. It's my challenge, i'll engage it as strongest as i can. This doesn't mean that i'm sure to win, but i'll try with all my willpower. It's my fifth day, and i'm quite good. I would only be enough self-confident to get closer to my wife and touch her, make love with her ... i feel anxious and who knows how long it will take to get a little bit of calm to be able to relax .... anyway, the only thing i'm sure of is that keeping on this way things will get better, isn't it?
    Ok, i'll post more frequently. I hope.
    "May the Force be with you" :D
  4. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Ok guys, hello everybody.
    The platform informs me that this topic has not been posted in for at least 120 days, but here i am again. Let's try to do this in a different way because the one i used doesn't work at all. I tried to stay away from this website to focus on something else, trying to not think to p and my addiction but it is definitely the wrong way, at least for me. What i want to try is to update frequently this thread, i never did it and maybe it's a possibility to stay away from watching p.
    i've tried so many times without results, my best goal in the last six months was 6/7 days free, nothing more. I really cannot find a straight direction to follow, but soon after every relapse i'm convinced that this will be the right time. i hope it, i'm feeling always more this slavery. And it's the most weird, illogical , ridiculous thing in the world, because my (few) free days are so good when i'm enough strong to handle my urges.
    The most scaring thing is that i could live an entire life of an 8 years old child if i put together all the time i spent in front of a screen doing this shit. what a waste of time. How many things i could have done if i didn't choose this mess, how many times i could have spent more with my son, my wife.
    I really don't know how she can still stay with me, it's almost 18 months that we don't make love. i know time is running out, maybe this can be my last chance. So this is my first day as you can see on my counter. A new battle, war it's not lost and i need help from you, soldiers !!
    my 2 cents.
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Hey Marvin, and welcome back!

    I can relate with you. I stayed away from these boards for a long time due to a number of my own reasons. Among these are:

    1. I was frightened by the challenge
    2. I was intimidated by the success stories rather than inspired
    3. I was worried I'd create yet another addiction to a website to waste hours on
    4. I thought I could battle the problem alone

    I can say now they all unquestionably proved negative and didn't help me. Rebooting is a full-time, life-changing commitment, not a walk in the park. You have to engage with it, not ignore it. We are all human and need support, encouragement, to be recognised and congratulated, acknowledged for who we are with all our faults, without marginalising or judging anything about our stories and struggles in the past, no matter how ugly or negative. It is all a part of life. I was reluctant to comment on other's threads to begin with, only focusing on myself, but even this I find easier to do these days, and taking an interest in and supporting others in their own journeys is far better than surfing for porn.

    Don't be invisible!
  6. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Day 2, still sober.
    i had a phone interview with a great company few hours ago, i feel like i've just climb a mountain. It was so stressing guys, now i should take my time to relax but mood is very low today.. bored and depressed, and i know this is the ideal scenario for my addiction. anyway tomorrow will be better, i hope. My wife seems really angry, i suppose the reason is she feels so invisible to me, i cannot blame her. gosh how much i'd like to hold her and be intimate with her, but i don't know if i'm able to do it, i'm scared and insecure. let's see what's happen guys, stay strong.

    La Lumaca: thanks mate, i appreciate a lot :) i totally agree with you, i'm back here to give support and take comfort from all of you! Hey i see your counter, 12 days is great man, don't give up!!
  7. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Well, i'm still here, same routine, same relapses, same situation, same feeling of shame and guilt. Change my life and my habits is so hard guys. i can stay focused some days but i'm not be able to manage the abstinence. I think the problem is mainly the way i use to approach my efforts: i should understand the difference between abstinence and recovery, as i've read in the Fry's journal. (if you're reading, thank you man, your story is so inspiring :) ) i should be happy to walk my path away from p instead of consider the abstinence like a prison sentence. Well, the good thing is that i've reduced a lot my pmo sessions in terms of time, frequency and material i look .. now it is essentially "softer", no hardcore sex scenes, mostly strip/webcam videos. some days i feel so motivated, the day after life seems so boring without p. (this is just how the addiction works, i know). what else i can say, i'm tired. see you soon, stay strong guys.
  8. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Ok, it's been a long time from my last update, but i've always been here, reading your insipiring stories and fights. But unfortunately i'm not the kind of person who gets inspired, i'm just the same stupid guy who makes stupid things that hurts me and the people around me. Anyway i've never stopped trying and i'm still here.
    See you guys.
    mailboxsam likes this.
  9. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Hello everybody,
    this is my 5th day of NO pmo. Had sex with my wife last night and it was so good. I felt so comfortable, it was a relief for all my fears. Being so close to someone is a very special thing, why do we do something so far from that?? P addiction is the opposite: it pushes you in a corner and leave you alone and isolated with your frustrations, faults and shame. I want to stay clean, i hope. See you soon.
    TheScriabin and mailboxsam like this.

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