The long road to release

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by marvin, Apr 29, 2014.

  1. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Another day has passed, i'm still clean. I've a lot of work to do, hope this will help. i just let go all the pain and frustration caused by my relapse, it's a waste of time. Let it go and carry on. see you soon guys.
     
  2. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Here i go again.. relapse. Could anybody tell me how can i protect me from myself ?? i'm thinking i can't get out of this mess by my own ... I really don't know.
     
  3. Amp111

    Amp111 New Member

    There is no magic bullet - do you have anyone you can talk to about it - an accountability partner as it were someone at the end of the week to really say I looked at this x number of times.

    Other than that you have to discover your own triggers - I am sure you have known people give up smoking who cant drink for a while because drinking leads to smoking - you will have to discover your own triggers and avoid them alone.....

    It really helps if you know why you are doing this why do you want to quit - you need those points to really help you in the dark times....

    I dont know if you looked at it but www.recoverynation.com is excellent - this is a long journey and one with many bumps in the road....... Trouble with P is if you have an internet connection you can never really be far from it
     
  4. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Yeah it's what i really need, most of everything else.. recognize and avoid situations which can bring me to watch P. because when it starts, it's already too late, there is no way to come back and stop. This is what i learnt from my relapses, i'll strongly keep it in mind for the future.
    I definetly know why i want to quit, the problem is that i still consider an option taking a quick look to sexy pictures, or watching a single p video. This is not allowed anymore, but the addiction is a strong beast. Anyway, thank you a lot for your support Amp111. Every single day i'm grateful to have find this community, your stories, your support is essential for my healing process, i've done many progresses thanks to all of you. One thing i want to do is to follow the "don't break the chain" rule (http://jamesclear.com/stop-procrastinating-seinfeld-strategy) . I found it in someone's diary a couple of days ago (i don't remember who, but thank you!!!) and it's very inspiring for me. I have to go now, i will let you know soon.
    Cheers guys.
     
  5. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Hello guys,
    This is my first day on holidays, i'm just arrived with my wife and my son, the place is beautiful. Hope that next two weeks help me to make a significant progress in my rebooting process. No computer, no stress, no smoking. Just the beach, the sun, and the people i love. See you soon. Cheers.
     
  6. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    10 days. Wow, it's my second longer pmo free period, the first was 20 days. Things went pretty good during my holiday, now i'm really scared to come back home. I'm afraid that the first thing i'm going to do will be pmo when i'll be at home. It has already happened in the past, also last year. Need a strong solution to avoid my triggers .. any suggestion will be appreciated. Thank you guys.
     
  7. mevsp

    mevsp Guest

    Lots of guys do well away from home but then fear going back home because a relapse might happen. I noticed as well that on holidays I had no desire for P and even M was at a minimum. I guess it's all the novelty, the new environment, the fresh air, nature, the sea, the beach.. all that makes PMO unnecessary.
    So yeah I do understand the fear of going back to your old familiar environment.
    A strong solution to avoid triggers? Wish I had one for you. Everyone is different, what works for one may not work for another. Just pure anger at how evil this addiction is and how it can and will destroy your life if you let it, helps me a lot. Just realizing that takes away my desire for P and helps me stay away from trigger material. I tried it all, internet filters, password protection, online time restrictions. All didn't work for me. In the end all it comes down to is your discipline and willpower to overcome the addiction.
    Anyways.. you're doing great. Keep it up!
     
  8. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    You're absolutely right. This discipline is currently what i miss, hope one day it will become so strong to overcome every urge. Yesterday my mood was very low, and finally today i had to reset my counter. Shit. Feeling bad, dirty and really disappointed with myself. But this is the miserable story of my life, i know it, and i'm doing my best at least. Anyway, next goal it's 20 days, five more. Thank you Me vs P for the support, i appreciated. And you're doing very well! Look forward and keep fighting.
    Cheers
     
  9. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    4 days, almost 5. Feeling good, motivated. This is the way i feel on the first days after a relapse, seems that nothing can stop my reboot. Problems will come later .. i really need something that radically changes my patterns, to avoid the same old habits, to break the circle. It's really hard, and it's funny to think when i said "well, just one more time then i quit".
    The most scary thing is that it's not a 20, 50 or 90 days goal, it must last for a lifetime, for ever. There is no more space for p in our life, it has already took it too much. I just need to accept this to heal. Maybe i'll be ok when i will realize that a life without p means "normal". Now it 's the opposite, it's like i'm into a bubble. Anyway, i'm grateful to have found this community and all of you. Your stories are constantly inspiring me. Stay strong guys,
    Cheers
     
  10. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    OK just a quick thought: first week is gone. Mood swings frequently happen, a day-in, a day-out. Now i feel good, i'm fine. i'm going to post more frequently, i realized that sharing helps me a lot.
    cheers mates
     
  11. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Day 8, everything seem to go to the right direction. I'm forcing myself to stay alert, i know danger is just around the corner. This addiction is so devious, a little thought can be enough to be taken in again. We'll see.
    Hold on guys, hold on.
    Cheers
     
  12. mevsp

    mevsp Guest

    So true. I've wasted a couple of really good long streaks on just losing focus for a very short time. I see the addiction as a dirty snake waiting in the corner of your room in the dark, waiting for you to lose focus for just a moment and then it strikes, and BOOM you're back at day zero.

    You're 12 days in man that's something! Stay alert at all times. I relapsed after 13 days last time and I can tell you, you're gonna feel realllly shitty for quite a while after it.
    So stay strong... you can do it.
     
  13. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Here we go again, fuckin' hell. Your analogy is perfect and your advise too. I should have read it before, maybe it would have make me feel a little stronger than i was. But finally i did it, shame on me. You know how this works, i'm not going to explain and analyze or meditate on why it happened.. because i don't want to, i'm sick. Anyway, i'm still standing mate. Thank you for the support, keep on this way (7 days is great !!), treasure your own experiences and all ours too.
    see you soon,
    cheers
     
  14. Wilco

    Wilco Member

    Stop doing P and M. You have a kid for @#@#. What will happen if he founds you when you are doing that kind of dirting shit in front of you? He will exposured and will be damaged for his whole live. Don't that to your son, quit the damn porn! Early images influence a young person's fundamental understanding of sexuality. People develop "sexual archetypes" or fundamental beliefs about sex, and viewing sexual images can become part of this development.

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  15. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Wilco, you're absolutely right. I really feel ashamed and a very bad person when i think to this. It's never happened, nobody never saw my dark passenger. But you know how this addiction is risky, we're able to do horrible things, we loose control, we're like monsters when we are in P mode. I could forget to lock a door for example .. All this has to finish right now. Keep fighting guys, nobody said it would be easy, but there's a reason if we're all here. And i will stay here, again and again after my relapses. Our life is not a fucking flat circle, we can do it.
    cheers
     
  16. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Just a quick update: after the binge now the situation seems quiet. It's so satisfying to feel clean and sober. Everytime i ask myself why i should do something which is so harmful for my mood, my personality, my soul. We'll see next days, i'll do my best.
     
  17. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Oher six days thrown out of the window. The funny thing is that as soon as i had my setback, i'm here posting about how miserable i am. Creepy. Horrible. All my efforts nulliffyied in a moment, again. Fortunately it has not been a binge, just half an our of p, damned. It was going so fine ... my actual idea is that i'll never be able to stop this shit. I know that it's the moment, probably in a couple of days i will be motivated again, but what's going to happen in a week ? i need to find the magic trick to resist the temptation, i know it's not just a trick, it's a mental attitude, a long process coming from the inside. Some of you are succeeding, i read many of your diaries and i'm really happy to have found this forum. Now i really need to get some positive results, i cannot tolerate this anymore. Please, help me to find my key guys, it's so frustrating.
    This is my nth day 0.
     
  18. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Ok, day one. Let's do this seriously. Albert Einstein said "we cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them", and this has to become my personal slogan. I've noticed that relapses always happen in two situations: using my phone, and after have watched some border line material on my pc at work, where i have not any content filter. My network at home is protected using specific dns servers, stored on the firmware of my home router. And it works pretty well, because i should spend some time to bypass it, and it gives me the possibility to think about what i'm doing. The more i will be away from p, the more it will be easy to stay away from it. In the meanwhile i need to turn off my phone after 11 pm, and turn my pc monitor just a little to make it visible to other people ... i don't know what else i can pratically do guys, believe me. I said "pratically", i mean protect me from myself when i'm loosing control. The other aspect, and much more essential is the interior change. i want to become a person who doesn't need to stay alert all the time, but who keep his hands out from his underwear because he doesn't feel the need to do it. I remember the first months of my initial rebooting, when i strictly followed a healing process made by meditation, mindfulness, workout, cold showers and obviously no pmo. And It worked, i felt better, my anxiety was gradually disappearing. My relationship was getting better, my life was getting better. And i'm still taking advantage of all those efforts. My social anxiety, my depression has been reduced a lot. But like most of the successful stories, i lowered my guard later, i thought that i could control my life.
    And here i go, harder than before, harder than ever. I'd like to express my thoughts and my feelings in the same way some of you do, analyze them, watch deeply inside myself to recognize all the patterns, the good ones and the bad ones. But i find this really hard, hiding my real feelings is something i've learned very well since my father died when i was eighteen. It was necessary at that time, like a shield, a shell as a refuge from other people compassion. But i need the opposite now, i need to expose my wounds to make them heal at open air. I think so. I hope this is the way, i told you guys, i cannot tolerate this shit anymore. I'm a person who likes to be owner of my actions, as well. I think i'm a good person, i like to make people i care happy, and most of the times i succeed.
    It's time to make myself happy. See you soon guys, i will often let you know how's going.
    cheers
     
  19. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Ok, two days are gone pretty easily. This is day three, i feel a little bored, and it's not a good sign definetly. How many times i resorted to p in a day like this. Anyway, i'm going to do everything is necessary to stay away from p, which means: stay with other people, no random surfing on the net, keep my phone away if i'm alone. I've noticed that the worst days, those which often end with a relapse are characterized by empathy-apathy-boredom. This is the greater obstacle to overcome, that is to turn a bad day into a good one. How can i modify or touch my mood in order to give up feeling so shitty? I could go out for a walk, breath some fresh air but what if i'm at work ? i could just work being mindful, without any other distraction. Seems easy, right? but it's not, you know.
    How do you deal with moment like this guys?
     
  20. Wilco

    Wilco Member

    Think about when the danger times are. What's different about these times? Are you more likely to be procrastinating from a work project or feeling bored, lonely, unappreciated, or tired? Using porn because you are tired and need to 'rest the brain' has the effect of making you much more tired.

    Make a plan for when you feel like this that doesn't involve flinging portions of your life away on porn. If you feel tired, close your eyes for twenty minutes and relax, have a bath, or even go for a walk (exercise can often make us feel more energized). Get to know yourself and when you are more likely to be taken in by porn's promptings. Plan ahead by telling yourself: "Okay, tonight is the end of a long week and I'll be tired and maybe a bit stressed. I know it's a porn danger time, so I'm going to the gym after work. Then I'll arrange to meet friends." The more you walk away from porn, the easier it becomes to walk away.
     

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