The long road to release

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by marvin, Apr 29, 2014.

  1. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Hi everyone,
    this is my first post, and first of all i want to thank you all to give me a chance of changing my life. As you can read on the subject i am quite worried, i feel in a corner. I quit watching porn some days ago, i really don't know exactly how many, maybe more than 10. I'm just trying to focus on my real life, on what i can do, and i feel positive vibrations, i know i can do it. Of course, sometimes is really hard, because i think about all the pain that my addiction has caused. My HIDDEN addiction. Yes, because i've never speak about this to my wife. Our story began as a fairy tale, we have a beautiful six year old boy. I was addicted to porn for a very long time, since my first year at university, and now i'm 35. Porn has never really hurt me before, i felt that i was doing something wrong, but it didn't cause severe damages in my life. But last year has been tragic. Me and my wife strongly desire another baby, but unfortunately we lost two... and my addiction got worse.
    Finally i realized that i must give up, i'm really convinced now, and as i wrote before i feel ready to overcome it.
    The problem now is that i'm in a classic "flatline" (i don't know if this is the right term), my libido is very low. And obviously i'm not able to make love with my wife in these conditions, but she wants this baby and she thinks time is running out.
    I told her i'm stressed and scared of what happened in the past, i'm scared of another loss. And it is pretty true, but i've omitted to tell her about MY problem. I can't tell it to her, it would be too painful for her, she has already suffered enough.
    But i want to change my life, i love her, i want another baby.
    I just wish i have more time to "heal", but the environment is now really tense. And i don't know how i can do ..
    Any suggestion will be appreciated, thank you guys and good luck to everyone.
     
  2. ChooseWisely

    ChooseWisely Member

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    I understand your fear of revealing this ugly secret and I won't persuade you into divulging what you are afraid of.
    However, I want to say that I've read many journals of men struggling with PMO addiction in marriage/relationship, and it seems that the key to recovery is complete honesty. Secrecy in marriage fuels this addiction, just like solitude in case of people who are still single. I recommend watching this video: Handling Porn Addiction as a Couple
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDGwFlYFPqw

    You can also find it helpful to read a section at YBOP - "Rebooting With a Partner"

    - Rebooting with a partner: What about sex?

    - What do I say to my mate?

    - Porn-induced ED: What do I tell my girlfriend?

    You can also ask for advice people from the thread "Ages 40+", because it's highly likely that they are far more experienced in rebooting inside a marriage than the younger guys. I wish you the best of luck!
     
  3. Amp111

    Amp111 New Member

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    My wife found p on my pc and we talked about it but I hadnt told her everything so I had to talk to her about it again to really explain to her what my problem consisted of...... Trouble is after I told her about my problem it hurt her so much I decided to not tell her about it any more I just told her I would try - fast forward a couple of years and our communication was almost non existent..... I hadnt told her about it and she assumed the worst..... I didnt talk to her and the guilt built up and as the guilt and the lack of communication increased I found that I felt worse and worse.....

    I guess what I'm saying is you probably should talk to your partner about it...... It will probably be an awful experience but it is not your own problem it is a problem within your marriage......

    I would suggest getting more information from YBOP or the TED ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU ) talk to explain what is happening to you..... The withdrawal was really hard for me with a lot of physical symptoms..... had i not told my wife she would have had no clue what was going on....

    I didnt really communicate the best way when I was trying to beat this but all I can say is that it has been so much easier once I started talking to her about it.... So all I really know is the worst way to do it - I nearly lost everything not from a lack of effort but from a lack of communication.

    I would also advise to get someone else to talk to as you progress - it will take a toll on your wife if you tell her about when you view p etc......
     
  4. Mazzj

    Mazzj New Member

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Hello Marvin,

    This is a very sad story you have and I have difficulty imagining how I could handle such situation (I'm not talking about the p, but about your loss). As it seems to me, you should separate the problems on which you can act on and the ones which you can't, and I really have the same advice as Amp111 about telling your wife.

    To be honest, I'm blessed with a quite opened wife about this topic and she doesn't care much about the p from a moral point of view, but I could imagine that having this secret between me and her wouldn't be easy to live and keeping it would be giving it a place it shouldn't have in our relationship.

    When I first told her about it (it was 6 years ago and we were only dating then), I can't say I was very proud and I had to work up the courage to do it, but I'm glad I did. There is a lot of shame in it if you don't talk about it, because you think that all what you see is so horrible and you will need to tell all about it, but the most probable is she won't want to know the details. I have never been talking of them in details with my wife because these phantasms seem so strange when I'm talking with her in the "normal" life. But now that she knows, I know that if I wanted to tell her about it, she would listen to me with the standpoint that it's good for me to exorcise it, but I can hardly imagine she would be shocked or hurt about something.

    For me, this helps that she knows it, because I have no shame attached to it (in front of her, at least). I won't say that it's the cure because I have a long story of relapses, but I'm sure this helps and this helps the couple as well to open up your secret drawer.
     
  5. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Hi guys,
    thank you everybody for your precious suggestions. I will try to do my best, finding the strength to talk to her. But honestly, i really don't know if i'll be able to do it. It's not a matter of morality or similar, she is a very open-minded person. it's just that i wouldn't like to put in front of her another "monster" to fight, after the sad events which you know. For the moment i told her about my real feelings and my lack of desire due to a state of anxiety, which is true. I have to take one step at time ... last year has been really hard to accept, believe me .. anyway i have to save my marriage, i must do something. I'm going to definetly read and watch your links, i'm sure they will be very helpful.
    Thank you again to all of you, i will let you know. And i'll stay hopeful, i promise.
     
  6. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Hi guys,
    i just want to share this moment with you. I finally made love with my wife yesterday. I don't know if it could be physically counterproductive into my reboot process, but all i can tell you is that it has been a great fulfilling moment, a big releaf. And i feel more comfortable now. No pmo obviously, i'm not thinking to p at all, i'm just trying to focus on what i really want. Of course i'm still scared and anxious, but i think this is the right way..
    keep on fighting guys, me and all of you.
     
  7. djinn

    djinn Member

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Great news! Really pleased for you!

    I'm still new to all this so I can't say whether or not the experience would be counterproductive, but my instinct is that it won't be. Normal intercourse is the goal, so I would take it as encouraging just so long as you're mindful of the chaser effect and don't take matters into your own hands again (so to speak!)
     
  8. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Thank you djinn, i think the same. Anyway i read that someone thinks and firmly asserts that a complete abstinence is needed for a faster reboot, also from "real" sex. But i am really skeptical about this: how can genuine sex with the person you love be a damage and not a cure? So my question for all of you is what do you think about?
    Thank you all guys.
     
  9. Amp111

    Amp111 New Member

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Hmmm - its a mixed bag - I know when I was rebooting sex would hit me with some mood swings for a day or two after (that said I think the benefits of intimacy far outweighed those)

    I have also read that neurons that fire together wire together.... (p has wired them together - now it's time to rewire them the correct way)

    My opinion is go for it - it's natural and human contact is healing and being intimate with your partner is the end goal....

    Just do what you think is right/feel comfortable is probably the best rule of thumb
     
  10. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Thank you Amp111 for your opinion, i totally agree with you. I've finally added my spreadsheet into the signature, hope also this helps to being strong. Yesterday was a very nice day, my mood was fine. Today nope, i feel frustrated and angry with myself. Although last days were good, especially saturday when i was intimate with my wife today i feel anxious and insecure again, i don't know if i'll be able to make love with her next time because of my performance anxiety due to ED. But i've already won a battle, i have to win the war. Stay strong guys, see you soon.
     
  11. 19anon99

    19anon99 Guest

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    I think anything that builds intimacy and allows you to have sex naturally with no artificial stimuli is fine. Can it impact how fast your reboot is complete? Perhaps. But honestly, who cares. For me this is about long term recovery. About completely removing PMO from my life and replacing it with a healthy sex life. So if the trade off for me building a healthy and intimate sex life with my wife is that the physical reboot take a little bit longer, I am ok with that.

    Speaking for myself I can say that it is easy for me to over think this stuff sometimes. If I keep in mind my primary focus- building a healthier life for myself- then I find I worry less about the small details.
     
  12. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Hi guys,
    how's it going? I personally have a serious urge to view p today, but i know i'm going to resist. It's so frustrating and boring the way i feel. I know it's not true, but seems that this choice i made to give up has drastically left me alone with my own anxiety and fears. Fear of to loose my wife, love, everything. Days are running out, but i feel like i'm stationary. My libido is very low (about real sex), as yesterday. Last night my wife was awake and gave me some signals to have sex. I felt really uncomfortable, i preferred to fake i was sleeping. And since the morning after i'm a little depressed, again. I thought i would never felt so insecure again, after saturday. How long does it take to get my life back???
    I'm figthing believe me, i've quit smoking, i take cold showers, Kegel exercises, some workout, running. I'm trying to keep the stress caused by this situation away with relax and meditation. But it's really, really hard. Nothing seems to change, i am always the same stupid anxious person who can't make love with his wife. Hope this will change, i need to touch some positive results my own hands. Ok. Breath. Breath deeply. Sorry for my surge guys, i know things go how they have to.

    thank you 19anon99 for your support, i think in the same way. Keep on fighting.
     
  13. Amp111

    Amp111 New Member

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Your doing really well I'm sorry you have a bumpy ride ahead this is withdrawal and it is going to pass but physical symptoms are real. ... Make sure you drink enough. ... Get some exercise and fresh air even if you don't feel like it. ...

    Really consider telling your wife what is going on.... I know you felt awful the other night but she may have been lying there thinking you didn't like her or anything. ...

    This will pass think of why your doing it
     
  14. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    i really appriciate your words and suggestions, you have no idea how much this community is helping me.. i'll consider to talk to her, but it's not easy..
    anyway a while ago i was very close to do pmo again.. i just watched some pics for a couple of minutes with my phone, without doing anything. as soon as i felt that filthy sensation which all of us know well, i turned off my phone. Have been able to resist and stop has been a great relief for me. this must not happen anymore. I'll staty strong and alert.
    see you soon guys.
     
  15. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Hi guys,
    i want to share my last days with you. Since last post i felt a little bit better, always insecure but better. Yesterday was a terrible day, i think i had a relapse. It was a really busy day, i was a lot under pressure. As soon as i relaxed i did it: watching some pics, quickly, few minutes in the afternoon. No pmo, no mo, just watching. But it wasn't a good idea. I felt defeated, but i could stop myself. Later, a stronge urge to masturbate came after dinner.. i just lightly touched myself, not compulsive fap, but soon i was very close to have an orgasm, perhaps because of my 20 days of abstinence. I could stop again, thinking of all the effort done to fight my addiction. Now i feel very disappointed and angry with myself. Anyway i don't think i have to reset my counter, i am stronger than when i started. And all things considered it wasn't neither pmo, nor mo. Just m for a while... i know i can look like ridiculous, but i'm trying to find all the possible reasons to carry on this fight. Has something similar ever happened to any of you? A relapse, a weak moment .. ? How did you deal with it?
    thank you guys, see you soon.
     
  16. Amp111

    Amp111 New Member

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Let it go - it happened you can't change it - seriously it's done

    learn from it - let it go - forgive yourself


    Ask yourself why did you do it what was your trigger

    What have you put into your life to replace p/mo

    check out www.recoverynation.com it helped me no end
     
  17. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Hi guys,
    ten days are gone from my last update, i want to give you some news. No pmo of course, this is the most important thing. I'm gradually becoming aware of the fact that i really feel better. I thought that my depressing condition due to p had always overwhelmed me, but fortunately i know i can change. Change my way of think, live my life. I feel different, the knot in my stomach is vanishing. The only thing i'm worried about is thinking if i'll be able to make love with my wife next time. we hadn't sex anymore from that time i wrote you, i needed time to heal. i feel my libido is reappearing, but i'm steel unsure, i have this fu**ing performance anxiety. i hope it will disappear soon, keeping on feeling better and better... i really hope.
    see you soon guys, be strong.
     
  18. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Hello everybody,
    this is day 36, no pmo, no mo, i feel better but i'm not ok. I talked to my wife about my unsecurity and my fears in bedroom a couple of days ago, and it has been a big releaf. I feel more confident now, but i'm also quite sure that she will get angry if my ED will happen again. We want another child you know... "we're wasting time, our son is already 7, i'm 36 ..." that's what she thinks, and i cannot blame her. Anyway she understand, she's really trying to help me, but she's upset too. i've decided i don't want to exclude her anymore, it's my duty to tell her everything, even if it can hurt her. Anyway i have no alternatives, i have to keep on fighting waiting for the right time, the moment i will realize that this madness is over, that i can have a normal life, love, healthy sex with the person i love. Now the question is: when ??? see you guys.
     
  19. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Re: The long road to release. But it's hard, i feel in a corner.

    Hi guys,
    i want to share my last experiences with you, it' s important you don't make my same mistakes. This could be a success story, but it has a bitter end. Last weekend was amazing: i made love with my wife on friday morning and it was awesome. We did it on saturday night and on sunday morning too. I felt nearly recovered, i hadn't been felt in that way from a long time. Sunday i was so happy, all day long. "Maybe it's over" i thought. Until the night came. I don't know what exactly happened to me, but i can tell you that i was masturbating watching p around midnight.. sad but true. This is the proper definition of addiction: keep on doing something despite of negative consequences. How could it be possible? Shame on me.
    Anyway, i edged for a bit, but suddenly i realized how much it was insane and wrong what i was doing. I stopped, no orgasm fortunately. This helped me to understand more and more how much this addiction can be intense and devious. Never let the guard down guys, we need to focus on this everytime, it doesn't matter if we're sad or happy, if we feel right or not. This will never leave us (or it will require a long long time), it's in our mind always ready to evercome us. So please, think what you are doing, be mindful and present in every moment.
    I've decided to not reset my counter, it wasn't pmo all things considered, and most important thing i could stop myself. This means that i learned a lot from the beginning of this fight, i'm not back to day 0, i just hope to have not lost any of my progress ..
    Did anyone of you ever have a similar experience ? Being overwhelmed just when you thought to have beaten it ... ?
    Be strong guys, see you soon.
     
  20. marvin

    marvin Focus your mind 100% on your life vision.

    Hi everyone,
    some days have passed since my last post, i need to share last events with you. Things went pretty good until the first decade of june. Some "dangerous" situations, strong urges sometimes and quick looks of pictures but nothing more, i could stay focused and i could resist. Until i finally relapsed, shame on me. This happened on June 10th, and it has been a defeat. After that i've fallen in the circle "one clean week"->relapse, unfortunately. Last relapse was on june 25th, now i'm back more motivated than ever. The problem is that also before my relapses i felt strong and confident, i believed that nothing could have brought me to a relapse. I really don't know if i will be able to face the next urge when it will come. Every time is the same, i need to prove myself i can do it. i need to respect myself. i need to be happy. Why am i keeping doing something that makes me feel so bad? I always asked it to myself, but i have no answer. I must permit to myself to be happy. Obviously i've lost part of my progress, anxiety has occurred to me again. This is so ugly. But i'm here to fight, like all of you. See you guys, i'll take you updated.
     

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