The Long Hard Road Out of Hell - lost virginity, fucked 20+ girls

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Journey to Freedom, Mar 18, 2012.

  1. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Before I begin to tell you my about the long, hard road out of hell... I'd like to take the time to say how grateful I am for coming across this wonderful knowledge. Stumbling upon YourBrainOnPorn and have been an absolute Godsend, and I feel quite blessed to have been presented with this knowledge at this point in my life. Although I have lost several years due to the poisonous plague known as porn addicition, I am grateful to find out the truth about pornography at such a relatively young age - I'm 20 now. And although porn had taken it's toll on my teenage years and I would have preferred not to have been hooked on it at all....
    What can I really say besides, better late than never?

    Let's begin where it all started - Middle School
    During my Middle School years, I remember being an excellent student. Hands down, the most intelligent, disciplined and motivated student in my class. Not to sound arrogant, but I was definitely the smartest student hands down. I use to ace tests left and right, getting 100s on all my assignments with little to no effort. And when there were projects that required some extra effort - I would go above and beyond, often putting an considerable amount of additional effort solely to gain some extra credit. There was definitely something different about me, and I wasn't like the other kids.

    Don't get me wrong, I was your typical preteen, I was a guy's guy, interested in guy things, and most importantly - girls.
    There was one major different between me and my peers - I didn't watch porn. I remember several of my female classmates asking the guys how often they masturbated to porn. I replied that I never did, and was quite dumbfounded that it was something of the norm.
    If I had only knew the countless negative effects this seemingly "normal" habit would have later on down the road...

    Unfortunately for me, I would fall into the trap of chronic masturbation all in due time. At first it was normal playboy nudes - erotic yet tasteful nudes of gorgeous blondes with beautiful breasts and perfectly shaped butts. But soon enough, I would experience that fateful day...
    I came across one of Playboy's erotic stories and I became hooked in no time. That is, hooked to the fantasy of femdom. The story had many different characters in various sexual situations. But for some reason I became fascinated with the part about the dominatrix. Reading passages about how she whipped someone into shape and burned him with a hot cattle-prod excited me for some strange reason. Looking back at it now, I was probably so engulfed by this fantasy for no other reason that it being the biggest novelty.
    This incident during my formative years lead me onto the road of being hooked on femdom. From that point on, all I would search on the internet would be porn sites with the themes of female dominance and male humiliation. The images I came across were nothing like I had ever seen before, and I became more and more addicted the more I fed into this dark fantasy world that I had created for myself. Oftentimes, it would just be the images or videos that I would look for. Just as often, I would search for erotic stories which had these themes, and simply jerk off the fantasy formed in my mind, with no actual visual or audio stimulation.

    Unsurprisingly, the idea of normal intercourse just wouldn't do it for me anymore. By the time I was in high school, femdom fantasies were a deeply ingrained part of my psyche. It became almost as if I had begun living two separate lives, the normal life where I would be friendly and socialize with other people my age like a normal high school kid, and the other one, where I would come home to masturbate and fantasize about increasingly sick and disturbing images. The things I fanticized about were completely incompatible with the who I was outside the confines of the masturbation headquarters - a confident, friendly, outgoing kid who liked to play sports and go out and have a good time.

    It wouldn't be long before excessive masturbation to such disturbing images would catch up on me...

    Case and point, the first day of high school.
    Winsten likes this.
  2. osiris

    osiris New Member

    Re: The Journey to Freedom

    Interesting entry, how are you progressing?
  3. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Journey to Freedom

    Day 70

    Even as I sit here in front of my computer talking to some friends and catching up on some schoolwork, I have absolutely ZERO desire to ever go back to the downward spiral of PMO ever again.

    The way I see it, me going back to PMO would be like a heroine addict going back to the drug that brought him withing a few minutes of losing his life. It boggles my mind how certain people on this forum (most notably Romantic) are making entire multiple page-long threads advocating PMO-ing "in moderation."

    By the way Romantic, you mentioned that you never seen anyone on here who's gone beyond 30 days... Well I'm at 70, what do you have to say about that?

    Let me tell you one thing that may not be clear to all of you guys - We are all here because this addiction ruined our lives. And trying to feed that addiction by PMOing "in moderation" is most certainly playing with fire - in a way that you most certainly WILL get burnt.

    We are addicts, just like the various junkies you've seen on the streets. We may not be homeless and begging for food to survive, but we have had our lives transform for the worse because of our addictions. We have had our social lives destroyed, faced crippling social anxiety, and suffered through devastating depression that prevented us from functioning in society. Sound familiar? This is exactly what most other drug addicts face when their entire existence is based on getting that next hit. We're no fucking different!

    Everyone's brain is wired to be addicted to various things. A lot of my friends can't go a day without smoking weed. Sure, I enjoy the feeling I when I'm high, but I don't have a craving for it. I've done cocaine tons of times. Did I enjoy it? Yes I did. Did I become addicted to it? Not in the slightest. Porn was my ultimate downfall.

    We aren't any different from any of the other drug addicts our there - the only difference is our choice of drug.

    Having a "few peaks here and there" will most certainly lead to relapse. Do you really want to relapse after struggling for weeks or months on end? I certainly don't. That'd be like a boxer beating opponent after opponent, only to walk away from the championship match... Wouldn't that be the ultimate disgrace? - backing out of the battle when you're only a few breaths away from victory

    This isn't my first reboot attempt. I've been fighting this demon since mid-January. But finally, I can say that I've got it under control. I don't even use any internet blocker anymore. I know that not using a blocker, makes porn and suggestive content only a sec away. But I'm at the point where I know better. I know that if I go down that road, I'll be the ghost of a man I once was. I won't be the normal, healthy functioning human being that I am today.

    I can almost envision what will happen if I begin relapsing, cause that was the life of my former PMO-addicted self not that long ago. I was a shell of a man, I would get nervous whenever I would see an attractive girl near me in public. I knew I had absolutely nothing to worry about - the few times I did strike up the conversation, it went really well, and I ended up talking to them for a few weeks. But ultimately, it lead to nowhere, cause the monkey on back of being a sexually inexperienced virgin would eventually cause me to self-sabatouge myself and prevented wonderful relationships from blossoming with these amazingly beautiful women. Well, needless to say, thanks to abstaining from PMO, I am a virgin no more. This isn't going to be a issue that haunts me ever again. It has finally been taken care of.

    Also, during my darkest days, I could barely function as a student or an employee. I would never be on time for anything - be it class or work. I would always be the one who disrupts the whole class by walking in late. Not anymore. I haven't been late to class or an appointment since I began my current reboot. I couldn't concentrate on an assignment for more than a few minutes. I was an extreme procrastinator - I would either leave the assignment till the very last minute, hand it in late, or not hand it in at all. I almost failed out of uni due to these habits.

    Not anymore - I genuinely enjoy my schoolwork nowadays. When my roommates are sleeping it off due to their desire to avoid schoolwork any chance they get, I'm and diligently reading a book or doing coursework. I've noticed that abstaining from PMO has caused me to have a much higher energy level than others around me. The only time I ever had experienced this was in middle school - right before I became hopelessly addicted to the poison of the mind that is pornography. I think I have reached a new golden age for myself. I feel a sense of euphoria and wonderment that I haven't experienced since I was a child/adolescent prior to getting caught up in all this.

    When it comes to girls - I'm more confident than I ever was before. To be honest, I was pretty confident all along. I had no problem coming up to a breathtakingly beautiful girl in public, having a phenomenal conversation with her, and getting her number. But like I've said before, these text / phone convos would often lead nowhere due to my own deep seated insecurities about being sexually inexperienced. I had no problem making out with multiple girls at the clubs at night, but the intense anxiousness would miraculously appear once it came time to take her home. Even though I had an amazing time getting to know this beautiful girl, and spending a magical night with her, something inside me would dread coming back to her place.

    Now how pathetic is that? Isn't that one of the saddest things you've ever heard when it comes to masculinity.

    Porn castrates you -
    psychologically - making you afraid or sex, causing you to dread the moment due to performance anxiety
    physically - prevents you from maintaining a strong enough erection to actually have sex

    What's more devastating to a man's ego than being unable to have sex? I can't think of anything.

    My last sexual encounter was a few weeks ago. I met a girl, went to her place and didn't have any problems getting rock hard. She gave me oral, we showered together, and she gave me oral again afterwards. Never at one point did I have difficulty getting hard. Granted, I didn't have penetrative sex, but I'm sure I would've lasted longer than my first time.

    I don't have nowhere near as much anxiety as I use to when it comes to striking up a conversation with girls. I went to a bar with a few friends last night. The bar was dead, there was almost nobody aside from my friends there. Nobody, aside from a 3 cute girls. It only took me a few seconds to strike up a conversation and sit at their table. I genuinely enjoyed getting to know them, and didn't simply imagine using them for their holes. Granted, the one that I was the most attracted to had a boyfriend. But that didn't stop me from genuinely enjoying getting to know her and exploring the city with the three of them.

    Today, I ended up talking to a wonderfully cute girl at the museum. I noticed her body language and that she was walking just slightly closer to me than usual. Complimented her, she was very pleasantly surprised that I was so direct. Ended up walking around with her for the remainder of my museum visit, and we have made plans to meet tomorrow night.

    Not only do I know have more confidence than ever, but I am no longer sabatouging myself when it comes to taking these interactions / relationships further. It feels like I am a new man. It's almost as if I have genuine, deep appreciation at the marvel of life and all its beauty stemming from deep inside me.

    I'm getting slightly emotional as I am writing this post. For I know how hard the journey has been for me to get to the place I am today. How much I have struggled, how much was sacrificed and missed out on, only makes me appreciate my life from this point on that much more.

    My appreciation of nature is stronger than ever. Just marveling at the beauty of the sun, the trees, the birds makes me all happy inside. It gives me an extra reason to defeat this addiction. I know that returning to the dark path that I had previously traveled on will disconnect me from the joy of life and the beauty that surrounds me.

    I'm gonna have to extend my deepest gratitude to a few people in particular

    Gary Wilson - where would I be without discovering YourBrainOnPorn? I don't know... Probably suicidal, out of uni, unemployed, looked upon like a failure by my parents and family. Discovering your website literally SAVED MY LIFE. I am sure many others on this forum, other forums, reddit and reuniting feel the same.

    TheUnderdog - Your are a fucking hero hero for creating this forum. Even if I had all the resources available on YBOP, I know I would not have had such an easy recovery if it were not for the outlet that has been provided by this forum. I know of no other resource dealing with this issue that is so interactive and accommodating.

    Stopper - Your experiences are very similar to mine. Nothing in particular that comes to mind right now, but you really do know your stuff. You also seem to be one of the most determined to defeat this addiction, and that definitely sets you apart from the recent influx of people who want to cut corners and half-ass their way of out this. Those who are trying to find a happy medium of moderation and still PMO on a semi-regular basis.

    RunDroogieRun - Although we've had several arguments in the past. You're probably one of the posters I respect the most. You have a very great deal of insight on a wide variety of topics, and have a natural curiosity for the world around us, which I identify with greatly. I always look forward to reading your posts, especially regarding various films, documentaries and books.
  4. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Journey to Freedom

    Day 71

    (trigger warnings)

    After feeling completely on the top of the world the previous day, I'd say I took a little bit of a hit.

    The night started off with meeting a couple of friends for a night on the town. We started off with a little bit of whiskey mixed with coke (the soda, not the drug). Then we were passing a few joints around. Can't say exactly how many joints we went through, my guess is probably somewhere around 2-3.

    My next move was to head to a prostitute. She was very friendly went I came in. Putting a condom on was slightly difficult since I didn't get hard right away. Then, I couldn't get an erection while she was giving me a handjob.

    Only after she sat on my chest with her ass facing towards me, and started talking dirty did I manage to get hard. She began stroking my cock in order to prepare me for actual sex. But after her stroking my cock for a very brief period of time, I came.

    She was very surprised that I only lasted for such a short period of time. And so was I. Felt kinda devastated. I admitted to her that I wasn't that sexually experienced to begin with.

    She asked me how much marijuana I smoked before coming to see her. I said I didn't know the exact amount, but it was a few joints. She said that was the heart of the problem, as to why I didn't last long. Cause of the marijuana. She said I shouldn't smoke before sex.

    I've heard from several female friends about their experiences with guys not being able to get it up due smoking marijuana. I didn't think this would be the case with me this time, because I didn't smoke that much to begin with.

    On the other hand, when I do smoke a considerable amount, I get extremely horny - SEX is the only thing on my mind, and I begin experiencing spontaneous erections. My entire existing at that point in time centers around the desire for intercourse.

    Maybe smoking a little bit causes erectile dysfunction, while smoking A LOT causes a huge increase in libido and increased erections? Maybe it's different for everybody. Anyone have any experience or greater insight into this?

    Being extremely devastated, I did not want to end the night on such a sour note. The prostitute recommended that I come back to visit her that night, after getting off the effects of marijuana and taking a viagra. I knew I wouldn't be able to get my hands on the magic blue pill anytime soon, but I wanted to try my chances once again.

    I ended up visiting her again. The second time around, it was much easier for me to get hard.

    I did manage to have successful penetrative sex with her, although I did lose my erection a few times during the encounter. By the time I got the hang of it, I was fucking her at a regular pace. I didn't come from penetration, so she finished me off by sitting on my chest, with her ass towards me, and working my cock with her hand. Seeing her ass in my face seems to have turned me on the most.

    Overall, this was a disappointing experience for me. It comes as a great contrast to feeling on top of the world just one day prior.

    It makes me feel that all that I have been through since mid-January didn't pay off, since I still had trouble getting hard after all this time.

    I am seriously considering viagra and other pills at this time.
  5. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Journey to Freedom

    At this point in time, my state of mind is

    slightly positive - because I know now that I'll never PMO again, nor do I have any desire to

    mainly devastated - after all this time struggling to improve my sexual function, I've still experienced an depressingly embarrassing sexual performance
  6. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Journey to Freedom

    Day 74

    Been kinda down lately due to my previous experience having a hard time getting it up during my last sexual encounter.

    Just have been staying at home during some housework that I've been procrastinating up until this time.

    I skyped with the girl that ended up giving me head a few weeks ago. Without even talking about anything sexually suggestive, I felt a rock hard erection just seeing her face and talking to her.

    Maybe I need a certain level of emotional connection to really get turned on by a girl.

    Maybe part of the reason I didn't get erect during my visit to the prostitute was the anxiety that came with being in an unfamiliar situation with her.

    What do you guys think?
  7. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Journey to Freedom

    Day 75

    Just woke up a few minutes ago.

    Feel like I can take on the world.

    I've felt like this first thing in the morning very few times before - Usually, I dread opening my eyes and facing the day.

    But now, I've never been more ready to take on the day. I've got a lot of things to take care of today.

    Things that I've been holding off as of late - things such as doing my laundry, cleaning my room, and getting things around the house in order.

    Looking forward to hopping back on here and proudly proclaiming how everything's been accomplished in a few hours. See you guys then.

    About to jump into a cold shower and energize myself for the rest of the day. Wooooooooooo!!!!!!

    I feel like a LION

  8. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Journey to Freedom

    Just got out of a cold shower. It felt amazing.

    I can almost feel my dick getting stronger and more full of life.

    I've only been taking cold showers for a little less than a week, and I'm never going back.

    Taking a cold shower is one of the most exhilarating experiences you can put yourself through - the splash of cold water hitting your body comes as a surprise, your body doesn't expect it, your muscles tense, you feel them contract and flex, your heart starts beating faster with a rush of adrenaline.

    Compared to cold showers, whenever I would take warm/hot ones, I would end up feeling lethargic. With a cold shower, I spend maybe 5-10 minutes max in the shower, but with a warm/hot one, I could spend upwards of 40-45 minutes.

    Cold showers are like a shot of energy & adrenaline, making me want to take on the day. Warm/hot showers only make me feel lazy.

    Additionally, my room is now clean, papers are organized, and my clothes are in the washing machine.

    There are few better feelings than waking up early in the morning and accomplishing all you set out to do during that day very early on.
  9. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Journey to Freedom

    Here's a picture that sums up one of life's most important lessons -

    Never live in the future, cherish the present moment, or life will pass you by before you know it.

  10. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Journey to Freedom

    Where I first learned about the benefits of cold showers -

    The benefits of cold showers are legion. The drawbacks none. The power of will required great. A Battle hardened warrior doesn’t take long hot showers in the morning like a Nancy, he takes brisk cold showers because he’s a tough mother.

    Here are the 8 greatest benefits of cold showers:

    1) Cold Showers Make You Strong: Taking a cold shower certainly isn’t comfortable, it’s downright uncomfortable. Forcing yourself to do it day in and day out requires a strength of character that most people don’t have. The good news is that you can develop the character, just get in the cold shower and do it. You will build inner strength but pushing yourself through it.

    2) Cold Showers are Healthy: Cold showers get your heart pumping like it does during vigorous exercise. You instinctively flex your muscles under a stream of cold water. The combination of the flexing and increased heart rate sends more blood to your muscles which helps to release toxins in the body. Your immune system benefits from cold showers as well.

    3) Cold Showers Will Wake You Up: Cold showers are brisk and invigorating. The cold water stimulation and the increased blood flow and heavy breathing result in you being ready to kick ass and take names. No one in the history of the world had to take a nap after a cold shower.

    4) Cold Showers are Mood Enhancing: Cold showers help the brain release chemicals help your mood, decrease stress and anxiety and increase energy and the increased blood flow helps your sense of calm. You just plain feel good after a cold shower.

    5) Cold Showers Make you More Manly: Everyone remembers being a teenager and hearing that sitting in a hot-tub kills sperm. Cold showers do the opposite. Yes, cold showers can increase sperm count which would lead one to believe it increases testosterone. Try not to kill someone with that loaded gun.

    6) Cold Showers Help your Skin and Hair: Cold showers hydrate the hair and skin better leading to healthier hair and skin.

    7) Cold Showers Help you Recover from Vigorous Exercise: Athletes often sit in ice baths to help speed up their recovery. You can do ice bath lite and take cold showers.

    8 ) Cold Showers Help you save Money: You aren’t using any hot water so you save money that way. When you take cold showers you don’t ever just want to stay in the shower for a long time and relax. You shower for 5 minutes max and get out, ready to take on the world.

    Shaving with Cold Water:

    If there’s one thing that makes you tougher than showering with cold water it’s shaving with cold water. I switched from hot water shaving to cold water shaving about a year ago and never looked back. I thought it would be tough at first but I was wrong. Cold water shaving is actually easier and gives you a better shave. Hot water softens the whiskers, this is obvious and it’s the reason people shave with hot water. What no one takes into consideration is the fact that soft whiskers are harder to cut. When the whiskers are soft and limp the razor does as much pulling of the whiskers as it does cutting. When you shave with cold water your whiskers don’t get softer, instead they are hard and poking straight out. This makes it way easier to cut them off. My shaving time was cut in half using cold water instead of hot water. I don’t often have to shave the same area over and over. I get less cuts and nicks using cold water as well, probably because I’m not pulling on the whiskers at all.

    Get yourself into a cold shower and toughen yourself up. It’s what a Spartan warrior would do and it’s the simple thing to do. Efficiency with a purpose.
  11. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Journey to Freedom

    Just realized that I haven't really done anything since my last posts - I've just been mindlessly fucking around on the internet

    I realized that the reason I managed to clean my room, do laundry, organize my papers and shower so efficiently was because I had a specific goal in mind as to what needed to be done - and that it needed to be done now.

    Now that I've finally kicked any desire to PMO, my next step in my Journey to Freedom is my goal of kicking mindless internet addiction once and for all

    Granted mindless internet browsing is nowhere near as destructive of a force as PMO addiction is, but it is still a massive time-waster

    I truly believe that once I manage to kick the habit of mindless internet browsing, which I do not believe will be anywhere near as hard as kicking PMO-addiction, I will truly be an unstoppable force once and for all!
  12. Re: The Journey to Freedom

    Despite your crappy experience, you're still doing great. You have to remember that stopping PMO is a life-changing decision, and definitely one for the better, but you'll still have crappy days just like before. It can't fix everything. But you're doing unbelievably well. Keep up the good work man. Cutting back on internet use is a great idea as well. I've been doing it and I feel like my days are longer and I get more done, even if all I do is play guitar or read all day.

    Keep going man. You're an inspiration to young men who want to kick this habit for good.
  13. Journey to Freedom

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    Re: The Journey to Freedom

    Thanks for the words of encouragement I definitely appreciate it.

    And yes, I have come to the point where I have come to a decision to never PMO again in my life.
    It's been a long road out of hell, and I'm never ever going back.

    How much have you managed to cut down your internet usage?
  14. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Journey to Freedom

    And the way I see it, expanding your mind while improving your musical abilities is infinitely more worthwhile than mindlessly browsing cyberspace
  15. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Re: The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

    Hey man,

    Did you try the 30 days of discipline challenge?

    How far did you make it?
  16. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

    I didn't get too far into it due to my self-discipline being severely lacking as a result of my PMO addiction.

    Taking cold showers was my main roadblock from successfully completely the challenge. However, after finally getting the hang of taking cold showers and genuinely enjoying them at this point in time, I am ready to take the 30 day challenge once again - this time successfully - starting August 1st.

    However, I only have the pdf of the challenge on my other computer, and won't be able to access it for a few weeks. Could you pm me what you're suppose to do every day of the challenge?

    From what I remember, I only lasted a little over a week the first time I tried the challenge.
  17. Re: The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

    I use it for less than an hour a day. I usually make a little mental list of all the things I need to get done on the computer and internet, and as soon as everything on the list is checked off, I power this fucker right down. Not to sleep mode, but all the way off. I'm about to do it right now, actually.
  18. Ge87

    Ge87 Guest

    Re: The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

    Hi Journey to Freedom,

    I just scanned your journal and all I can say is WOW. Great and inspiring report all in all !

    Looking forward to reach your level, buddy !

    Greetings + All the best !

  19. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

    I'm hoping to make it to your level within two weeks, hold me to it 8)
  20. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    Re: The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

    Thanks for the support buddy. It's always nice to hear that your story inspires others.

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