The long and painful farewell

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by stone, Feb 23, 2019.

  1. stone

    stone Member

    Hello to everyone. New guy here, but it will be my fourth serious try if I remember correctly (hope my brain was not messed up that much,I spent the past six months living in an erotic fog). I got my first computer when I was thirteen, and you know what happened after that. About three years ago, I stumbled upon YBOP and started to try seriously to quit. I became a loner during puberty and didn't even talk to people online(pretty sure because of porn), so I kept my previous attempts to myself. It's day 5 today and I just went through a really overwhelming urge(a simple word in a book did that to me), so I decide to start this journal to help me make it to the end. I know it will be painful but hope it will be a long one.
     
  2. stone

    stone Member

    Day 6, strong urge so stayed away from apartment all day, and got nothing done.
     
  3. stone

    stone Member

    Day7: the urges were bearable and less frequent, so today was safe. But my work efficiency was still extremely low. Maybe I should start to record what I finished rather than what I didn't do.
     
  4. stone

    stone Member

    Day 8, finished a report right before the meeting, which I could have finished the day before yesterday and left me more than enough time to prepare for the presentation. I don't know what happened to my panic monster(hope it's in hibernation rather than dead). The deadline was staring me in the face yet I spent nearly the whole morning mindlessly surfing the net(no porn). I didn't feel a thing even when I was standing infront of twenty people with my newly finished, barely reviewed presentation. It was really abnormal and I should be freaking out about my numbness. I know it but I can't feel it:(
     
  5. stone

    stone Member

    Day 9, waked up at 4am, fell back to sleep about 2 hrs later and then I was late. Caught a cold probably during the second sleep. All day today I have been feeling like my head is full of clouds and someone is polishing my throat with a sandpaper(at least I'm feeling sth now:confused:). No urges nor motivation.
     
  6. stone

    stone Member

    Day 10, the cold has been hitting me hard. Filled half my garbage bin with tissue paper in one day. At least it made abstinence easier.
     
  7. stone

    stone Member

    Day 11, went to bed earlier than usual last night and today my head felt much less cloudy, though my nose kept flooding. Came across an ad at lunch and it popped up a few times in my head during the rest of the day. I'm sure I wouldn't find it this attractive before, not even with less clothes involved. So, I take it as a good sign? Still, no overcoming urges, probably thanks to the cold.
     
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    At least it's due to a cold and not because of porn use.

    Just kidding. ;) Welcome to the forum!
     
  9. stone

    stone Member

    Thank you Luke. I wouldn't be able to do that even if I were 15o_O
    Day 12, the ad was still haunting me a bit, but it was the day before a deadline, so no time for that. No strong urges anyway. Maybe I hit a flatline already.
     
  10. stone

    stone Member

    Day 13, spent most of the day on tasks that should have been accomplished days ago. Really need to stop mindlessly surfing the net. Only had some mild infrequent urges. Is it the cold? Or maybe the tasks? The flatline? Still not sure what is doing me the favor.
     
  11. stone

    stone Member

    ‌Day 14, felt an all around improvement today(my feelings are coming back!). The cold symptoms decreased drastically. Felt more energetic and had the urge to get all the work on my hands done. I also became more irritable. Improperly parked bikes, randomly scattered umbrellas, my slow computer...I kept noticing such things. But I knew from my previous attempts that of all the emotions lost to porn, anger would always come back the first. And I noticed good things too. The spring has been working its magic around here and for the first time of this year I felt the winter has ended.
     
    -Luke- and GreenSwampMan like this.
  12. stone

    stone Member

    ‌Day 15, my motivation came back, so did the urges lol(it's obviously not a flatline now). Filled my day with paper works, but my mind kept wandering away. Glad I started this journal, it sure gives me more strength to fight the monster.
     
  13. stone

    stone Member

    ‌Day 0, yeah, I relapsed. I think I need to explain a little here so sorry about the long post.
    ‌A bit more about myself: I started with ordinary visual porn at the begining. Like many of you here, I developed some weird unhealthy fetishes after too much consumption(don't want to give anyone any triggers or bad ideas here so I'll keep them to myself). I came across YBOP 3 yrs ago. I had tried to stop before. But after that I started to take it seriously. The first and the second streak were roughly two months. The third was about three months. There were also countless attempts between them, but most lasted less than a week. During the prolonged war between me and the monster, I discovered erotica, which turned out to be more destructive than the visual stimuli. But at first it was just a grey zone, a cheap substitute for the "real deal", an innocent confort during the not so wholehearted abstinences. Then last year, before I knew it, I was reading this stuff 10 hrs per day. I even read it in my office! The weird thing was, while I couldn't stop reading, I rarely MOed. I even preferred those with little or no NSFW descriptions(I seemed to enjoy imaging the scenes by myself, I could even treat a totally SFW story like porn). Now I believe it's similar to edging: find a fiction I like, then spend hours even days reading(Yes, they can be that long), no MO means the story can keep hijacking my mind as long as it lasts, when I finally finished reading there would be no guilt like that from usual PMO and the urge would probably still be there. This was how I lost almost half a year to erotica. Even though I only MOed about once a month, I felt more wrecked than when I had been using visual porn.
    ‌And this is what happened today: I wanted to take a nap after lunch. Then a still-updating story from before popped up in my mind and I wanted to check on it. There was a new chapter and I read it(I told myself that this wasn't relapse, I just wanted to know how the story end, to get rid off the cliff-hanger, there was no NSFW here, and I definitely wouldn't MO). I found it wasn't as fascinating as before, then I read another one, then a third, then a forth. I stopped an hour later and felt tired, empty and a bit depressed, like I just PMOed. Nothing erotic involved, but I know the effect of porn when I feel it. So I'll take it as a relapse.
     
  14. stone

    stone Member

    ‌Day 1, a night filled with fragmentary dreams left me very tired in the morning. The stories have been haunting me all day. But I know they are just meaningless fantasies and too much damage has been done already. No time to dance around this crap anymore.
     
  15. stone

    stone Member

    ‌Day 2, the sleep was a bit better than yesterday, though the cravings were still there. Planted some trees and strawberries today, to get my mind off the obsession(it's spring now, after all). Maybe I can set a rule that every time I relapse, I kill one of them? Heard that it would help a bit, but first of all they need to survive the rainy weather.
     
  16. stone

    stone Member

    Day 3, not much improvement, stayed away from apartment all day. The devil just loves disguising as the most desirable thing. Whatever I do, it keeps tantalizing me.
     
  17. stone

    stone Member

    ‌Day 4, went for hiking after lunch, got a bit lost in the woods and spent an hour longer than planned, but it really helped. Got a little motivation back, finished some paper work and did some laundry after dinner.
     
  18. stone

    stone Member

    ‌Day 0, I peeked, after bearly getting any work done all day. It was like I had been subconsciously avoiding my tasks so that I would eventually relapse. I can see the old routine of reading erotica all day and avoiding work is desperately trying to take over my life again:(
     
  19. stone

    stone Member

    Day 1, the monster is totally awake now after being poked twice:confused:.
     
  20. stone

    stone Member

    Day 2, still struggling with the cravings. Come on, I can do this:mad:
     

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