Over the 30 day hump!! Never thought I would be able to say that, but it feels good. A couple of days ago when I had those urges I thought I was about to relapse, but I made it through thanks to these journals and everyone on this site. I felt really great later that night knowing I didn't give in. The thing that I really try and concentrate on is not becoming complacent. This addiction is so easy to fall back into, again, I think it goes back to what I said about triggers being everywhere. However, the longer I go without looking at porn the more my brain gets better and those memories get foggier. The best feeling I have over these last 30 days is that I don't have the guilt and embarassed feeling in my stomach and mind everyday. I also try and keep this thought in mind, Am I better off now than I was when I started. The answer is overwhelmingly yes!! Onto month number 2. Stay strong everyone!!
Major relapse yesterday and today >: What a mess. Got to day 33 on Saturday and was feeling really good. A combination of things got me off the rails. It started Fri night when I was reading YBOP and saw a link to Onania. It was about masturbation addiction and I thought to check it out. Well, it's not exactly that, it branches off into different masturbation fetishes. I clicked around the links for awhile but got out of it after about 15 minutes. Saturday kinda put me over the edge. There was a family thing going on that turned out bad and I was feeling stressed out. On top of that my wife and I had one of those silent arguments and we didn't talk for most of the afternoon and evening. I even slept in the guest room, out of spite I suppose. Nothing really triggered the argument I guess it was one of the 20 year things, you just know when you both need your space. On Sunday morning I got up and went to the gym and when I got home I got on the computer and just started surfing. I thought about the site I saw Friday night and got back into it. Well it just went to hell from there. I started a binge that lasted almost all day. It just seemed surreal. I knew what I was doing but felt helpless to stop. It was as though I could just feel the dopamine flowing through my brain. After the binge I felt sorry for myself, mad etc, all the emotions that I felt when I first decided to stop this addiction. I got through the night but the chaser effect, I think that's what it is called, continued today. Another binge for about 4 hours. I don't know how to feel now. I am disappointed and a little depressed. I know I can do this. I begin with day one tomorrow and just press on. I loaded K-9 on my computer so that should help. I've learned a lot from this experience. I am taking nothing but positives from this relapse and will do the best that I can.
Hiya Raid, Too bad you chose to relapse. I'm saying it that way on purpose because it is a choice. I know you feel bad, discouraged, weak etc. We ALL experience that here. That's not comforting, just a fact to remember. We're all on this site because we've decided to so something about constantly repeating the cycle. It seems like you analyzed possible triggers without making excuses for relapsing. Make that distinction. Let me know how that K9 works for you. I might need a level of protection. Be well, Gettingthere
Doing a lot of reflecting today as it is day 1 of the second rebooting. Not sure what I want to do. I haven't told my wife about the relapse, not sure if I will. I don't even know if it will work between us. I've had this addiction so long I don't even know what a good sex life would be. I can count on two hands the number of times we've had sex in 20 years and I know it's mostly my fault. Overcoming this addiction is complicated for me because although I want to be with my wife I don't know if it can happen after all these years. We are not very cuddly or affectionate, we are mostly good friends who live together. I love her and she loves me but I don't think either of us are in love with each other. I just don't know if we can go from no sex in our lives to a full blown great sex life. Too much water under that bridge. Right now I just want to get through this day without relapsing. I hate this addiction and wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.
Hiya Raid, Please read the book "the superior man" by Deida. It is highly recommended in John's journal and will help you gain perspective regarding your relationship with your wife. Needs change. The type of woman and relationship you need change. You must make an honest choice what kind of relationship YOU want because some people desire such a relationship as you describe. (Mutually supportive friends with occasional sex.) There is nothing wrong with that if that's what you want. Be well, Gettingthere
I appreciate everyone's replies, they mean a lot. Just been a bad week. I now understand what the real meaning of an addiction is. It is a powerful force that just drags you deeper and deeper. I have been PMOing since Monday. What's really sad to me is even as I was doing that I was miserable. I felt like a little kid doing something you know is wrong yet you keep doing it. Feelings of depression, sadness and anger just flowing through my body all week. I put up a good front so on the surface I'm normal at work and around others but inside it's just eating me up. It's such a struggle, like the devil is on one shoulder and the angel on the other, both tugging at my brain wanting me to follow. Well the past week the devil has been winning. I'm trying to look at this episode as a positive, I did go over 30 days without it and I could feel progress. Again, I ask myself how can you fall back into the habit after doing so well. The trap of addiction. I'm almost 51 years old and have had a pretty successful life yet I can't get over this addiction to pictures and movies on the freakin internet. It's pathetic and shameful. If people knew how addicted I am to this crap they would be shocked. When first starting this journal it was exciting and as I got more days I remember reading journal accounts of relapses and I thought that would never happen to me, I'm too strong willed and how can someone with 40 days relapse. Well it can happen and does happen, it's called complacency and over confidence. So here I am at day zero. I must begin the fight again to stop this madness. I don't worry about failing other people failing myself is the worst torture. I'm in it to win it as they say, I've downloaded K-9, haven't figured out how to generate a random password yet, but at this point at least it pops up and I have to make a decision rather than mindlessly clicking on a hundred links. I've downloaded several of the books recommended by others and will read them. I plan on winning this war but I expect to lose a battle now and then. Thanks again for all the support and good words. The journey begins, part 2.
Hiya Raid, I was disheartened to hear you chose to relapse. (I put it that way intentionally so we remember that it is a choice.) This is a tough one but we'll make it. Be well, Gettingthere
