The Journey Begins

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Raiduh, May 28, 2012.

  1. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    Hi all. I found this site a while ago when I was feeling guilty about my PMO habit and forgot about it. But I have reached a point in my life where I realize that my addiction is real and I need to do something about it. I have been reading the journals and feel great for those who are beating this thing. Hopefully I'll be able to add to the inspiration with my own success.
    My Story:
    I just turned 50 last year and have been doing PMO for almost as long as I can remember. It probably first started when I was 12-13 years old and found some black and white magazines in my older brother's closet. Upon finding them I felt all tingling when looking at the pictures. I don't remember actually M while looking at them but I know they excited me. Throughout my high school years I remember looking at girls but would never approach them, I would go home after school and M almost everyday. I also remember getting caught in my room by my mother. She didn't say anything at the time but I knew she was going to tell my father. My father did sit down and talk to me. He wasn't mad but he said something that I think has affected me for all these years. He said I shouldn't be doing it and if I got caught again I would have to do it in front of the rest of my family. Remember that this was the 70's so people's mindset about M was that it was bad for you and shouldn't be done. That scared me to death. I still continued to do it but was always worried about being caught. In a twisted way it was sort of exciting worrying about that. My M habits continued and I even remember doing it in class (this is so embarassing to admitting to this), but I must come clean like any other addict. I did in school a few times and I remember it being very exciting. I didn't have a bad childhood and there was no abuse or anything like that, it was a very normal upbringing except for my habit. I had one girlfriend in high school but we never went past 2nd base. At 18 I joined the military and was sent overseas. I got married within a year and thought I wouldn't ever worry about PMO again. But I started soon after being married. I don't know why, but the sex I was having was basically fumbling around and not really knowing what I was doing. Over the years I got divorced and my PMO grew progressively worse. I had access to all the adult magazines you could imagine. I was living alone and never had to worry about getting caught. I would spend weekends at home with all the newest magazines, I felt like I was in heaven. I got married a second time and she was a sexual dynamo. I thought wow, this is exactly what I'm looking for. I remember that the sex was good and I really didn't think about PMO at all. This marriage didn't last long, too opposite and she was much younger than me. Around this time the internet was just beginning and there wasn't much available but it was growing quickly.

    Well, here it is twenty years later and I am an PMO addict. I've been through all the ups and downs of an addict. Very high at times and very low at others. As YBOP says the dopamine levels in your brain go through the roof when I would surf the net. And it's also true that as you do it longer the craving is harder to satisfy. It starts with softcore and the next thing I know I'm looking at TS, girl on girl, BDSM etc. As I sit here and write this I can't believe how much time I've spent viewing porn. I looked forward to any time I would have by myself so I could surf.

    I did get married a third time and have been married for the last twenty years. It's a great marriage except for the bedroom. I know that it's been my fault and I know I suffer from P ED as I would get all excited for P but with my wife, nothing. As I've researched this more and more I know what it comes from. It's not age or physical condition (I'm a part time personal trainer) it's the damn porn. How my wife has put up with this, I have no idea. I know she is aware but she never says anything. I am sitting down with her tomorrow and explaining all of this and let her know how I feel and what I'm going to do about it. Kicking this addiction will be without a doubt be the most challenging thing I'll ever do and I've done some challenging things. I drank a lot for about 30 years and 3 and a half years ago I decided to quit. I did it and haven't had a drop since. It wasn't nearly the challenge that this is. Well, that's my story, hope it didn't sound to rambling, but I need to do something about this addiction. I want my life back free of this crap. Tomorrow will be day 7 with no PMO. Not sure how I'm suppose to feel, but as they say 1 day at a time.
  2. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    Day 7 of no PMO. I cannot remember ever going this long. I may have stopped for a couple of days at most and those usually occurred after an all day binge and edging for hours. Haven't talked to my wife about this yet, maybe tomorrow. I know she knows that I viewed porn for many years but I don't think she has any idea of the volume or type of porn I viewed.

    I feel pretty good so far. I don't have a desire to PMO but the subject is always on my mind. I have been thinking so much lately of how much time I actually put into this addiction. There were days when I would start at 6 in the morning and would still be at 10 hours later. I put off doing a lot of things because of this. I couldn't wait to get home and fire up the computer and see what was new on my favorite sites. I would get mad if something came up and I wouldn't be able to look. I would stay up late after my wife would go to bed and be on the computer for another couple of hours. I would feel disgusted and guilty after these sessions but it didn't stop me. I was at it again the next day. I am so glad that I found the YBOP website and this site. I've never kept a journal of any sort in my life but I think that this is going to help me a lot in my quest to quit this addiction.
  3. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    Day 8 just feels dead down there. No morning wood, but I haven't PMO'd so that's a good thing. I started thinking about all the triggers that are out there and it's crazy. Everywhere you look it seems that you are bombarded with images. Commercials on TV, what do you see, hot chicks drinking beer on the beach. Any of the sporting websites all have something or other with women, hot chick of the day, swimsuit issue, hot or not etc. Even online newspapers love to show all the hot actresses in the latest bikini, shortest dress or a clip from their latest dance. Now to "normal" people, probably not a big deal, but to someone with an addiction it's like being constantly teased all day with no hope of release. I don't have the urge to PMO but it seems that this addiction is always on my mind. How long can I go, will it last, what could trigger an episode, on and on. I've always been a "what if" person and I need to change that, so onward I go.
  4. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    Day 9--Not sure what's going on. It's like I might as well not even have a dick. No response at all, it just sits there. Makes you wanna PMO just to see if it works, but that's not an option at this point. Flatlining?? Who knows? I have plenty of energy. Not many thoughts of PMOing, don't even feel interested in it. Good thing I guess. I compare it to when I quit drinking several years ago. I didn't even think of having a drink, hangovers scared me and still do! I think that's why I don't want to PMO. I hated that feeling I had after the last binge and I don't ever want to feel like that again. Haven't said anything to the wife yet, not sure, but I think she knows somethings up. I go to bed earlier and I watch tv with her at night. Usually I couldn't wait until she went to bed so I could surf and find some good stuff. Double digits tomorrow, wow, that will be a world record for me!! Probably never went more than 3 days in the last 35 years. Thinking about that makes me feel like I wasted so much time in my life on this garbage. Oh well, on to day 10!
  5. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    10 days of no PMO!! Wow, never thought I'd get to this point. Not even sure how I should feel. Reading these journals and looking at other forums there is a myriad of different thoughts from people at this point. I like the fact that I haven't PMO'd or even had the urge to look. I don't feel much different. My energy levels are high, hit the gym hard today!! My emotions seem to be the same, maybe a little bit more patient, but none of the highs or lows that I've read about. I think that all of the research that I've been doing has made a big difference. The more I read the more I reinforce my resolve not to PMO. I really find it hard to believe that I don't have the desire to seek out the garbage and waste all that time. My thoughts always use to resolve around how much time I would have to PMO. I would eagerly anticipate what sites I would visit and who I would seek out. I would actually get up an extra hour early in the morning just so I could edge before work. I would bookmark sites in the morning so that I could get to them after work. As soon as I got home I would fire the computer up and try to get some time in before my wife got home. I would edge for as long as possible. As soon as she went to bed it was back to the computer for another hour or two. That comes out to about four hours day doing this, day after day, year after year. It was even worse when I didn't have to work. I would sit in front of the computer for 12 hours, edging, looking, edging and looking. The grand finale was always depressing. Damn, just writing that is depressing. Only depressing thought I have is that no wood for a few days, don't like that. It's kinda scary, just wondering if it will come back. Another day behind me, onto day 11.
  6. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    Day 11 and so far feeling pretty good. Talked to my wife last night about the addiction and she was very supportive. She said she felt proud of me for telling her and for getting to 10 days. She's been through my drinking days and is a great woman. I quit the drinking three and a half years ago after a good thirty years so she has confidence in me that I can do this. I know we'll do it together. Still worried about the dead wood, never went this long without at least an erection, not even in the morning, wtf? Kinda surprised of the lack of replies but it is what it is. Pressing on with day 11.
  7. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    11 days huh!!!???

    We're one the same day!!!!

    Let's do this!!!!
  8. Daniel

    Daniel New Member

    Keep going. Great that you can tell your wife and come through this together. You should be grateful for that. It WILL be rocky. You'll think you're done rebooting and it's easy, but then it'll hit you hard, or you'll think you're fixed and then you'll get cravings. Stick with it. It's worth it.

    This is a good book. I think being in a relationship you'll benefit a bit more form it than me right now:
  9. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    Thanks for the replies Underdog and Daniel. What an awesome book Daniel. Thanks for recommending it, I downloaded it immediately and have been reading it for the last few days. I think everyone with this addiction should read this book. The stories are amazing and most everyone will be able to relate to them in one way or another. My wife is going to read it also and we'll go from there. Not really counting days anymore, I know it's been over two weeks. I feel better most of the time, but the addiction is always lurking in the back of my mind. This is addiction is much more difficult for me than alcohol. With alcohol I made the decision to stop drinking and haven't had an issue with it. It has a lot do with not wanting to feel like crap after a night of drinking or waking up and wondering how I spent 100 bucks. With porn you are giving up something that feels really good any time with no hangover. It's also easier to avoid alcohol whereas triggers for porn are everywhere. It's not just the internet, ads, billboards, magazines etc, all scream sex, sex, sex!! The book has helped a lot with the stories and techniques to help deal with possible relapses and triggers. Thanks again Daniel. Stay strong everyone and it's on to the third week.
  10. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Raiduh,
    Welcome to the site.
    I'm 52 and have had a very similar story. PMO most of my life and the internet has made it a major cancer in my life.
    Two divorces and now I have a girlfriend. I have no desirer to share this with her at this point.
    I went 75 days then relapsed so now I'm on day 16/92.
    Feel free to check out my jounal. "winning"
    This is a great site for support and accountabiliy. Use it because it helps and we need all the help we can get.
    Be well,
  11. John4MyLife

    John4MyLife New Member

    Raiduh - Thanks for sharing your story. I encourage you to keep writing frequently in your journal both for yourself and for those men who take encouragement from relating to your struggles. I am very glad you shared this with your wife. Have you shown her the YBoP website?

    Also, if you have not taken steps to "de-porn" your house yet I strongly encourage you to do so immediately. Even when I would delete all my porn, I still knew how to recover it from my hard drive or I would leave links on my browser to go back and find it all again. I used a free software CCleaner to delete all subdirectories and wipe clean all free space on my computer. I also changed my desk configuration at home so it was as different as possible from when I used P. I even took the back off my chair so I couldn't slump into my usual position. It all helps. Another big one was I stopped watching TV. I read a lot more now and I am not missing TV at all.

    Congratulations Raiduh, you are entering into a very new life.
  12. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    Thanks for the words gettingthere. John thanks. I have shown my wife the YBOP website, I know it will help her better understand what this addiction does. I have de-porned my computer as that was the only tool I used to access porn. I find myself not really thinking about going back to PMO. After reading the book that was posted in my journal and my own self resolve I'm getting through this pretty well. As I've said before I drank for thirty years and just stopped one day and never looked back. I'm taking the same approach with this addiction. I don't plan on using PMO anymore but I know it always will lurk deep inside my brain. I am starting my third week and my biggest problem is thinking my dick is dead. No morning wood, no stirring during the day, nothing. That's the part that is hardest so to speak. Since I've started this journey it seems as if my mind is clearer, I'm most certainly getting much more done around the house. Mon and Tues were especially productive as I was off work. The days off were my worst. I would get up early with plans to do a lot of things, but as soon as I heard my wife leave for work I was off into porn land for the next 8 hours. It felt like nirvana, I was alone with no one between me and all the porn I wanted. I would end up rushing around about an hour before my wife got home and pretended to have got a lot done. That has changed, I have energy and look forward to spending time doing things and not getting my rocks off looking a pixels!! I also go to bed a lot earlier than I used to. It feels good going to bed knowing I haven't PMO'd for two hours prior. I can look my wife in the eye and not feel like a piece of crap because of what I did. I've always been a gym rat but my workouts have improved so much over the past couple of weeks. It's an awesome feeling. Just a few words to the younger guys in this forum. Do everything in your power to fight this addiction now. You are too young to be worried about ED. I've reflected a lot on my life over the last couple of weeks and realized how much I missed out on. I've been married three times over the past 30 years and my PMOing had a big part in my two divorces and has had an effect on my current marriage. I've been with my wife for 20 years and feel so lucky to have her as I have neglected her needs all these years. We are great friends and have had an outstanding relationship outside of this addiction. I think she has known for a long time but not the extent of how bad it was. I never physically cheated on her but mentally I've been doing it for a long time. The worst part is that she is a hot woman. Petite, blond and beautiful. I haven't lost her due to the grace of God but I'll be doing everything in my power to make her next 20 years wonderful. Stay strong and again thanks to all that have posted to my journal.
  13. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Raiduh,
    I think I'm reading about myself sometimes when I read your journal.
    I like that you sound full of hope. That is what I struggled with because I felf so much despair.
    I think guys our age have a different kind of challenge.
    We feel like a kid in a candy store in front of the internet because growing up porn was a rare animal.
    A magazine, a sleazy adult movie theatre, or a tittly bar...that was the extent of porn for the '70s and much of the '80s.
    Now it's at our fingertips, free, and so very easy to conceal. It's no wonder we feel euphoric.
    It turns out that it's all an illusion and it's addictive and can be harmful.
    I think it's worthwhile to fight to end the addiction because it has made us stupid slaves--not an ideal state of affairs.
  14. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    Well, it's been a few days since I posted, but today is 21 days since any PMO! No strong cravings for porn and few little urges now and then but they go quickly as I know I don't want to fall back into the same pattern. My biggest or smallest problem is the flatlining. I really was scared that my little buddy decided to check out and not come back. It is very frustrating to not feel any thing at all and hoping every morning for a sign that it's working, but nothing so far. Got on the YBOP site and it is reassuring to know that others have had the same problems and fears. I'll keep on keeping on and wait until that morning hits and I'm rip roaring and ready to go! My wife has been very supportive and has not put any pressure on me and doesn't constantly ask how I'm doing. I do better when I'm not always asked those questions. I do let her know how it's going and she is very understanding. I've also been reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book and have found it enlightening and informative. This site has made this journey a little bit easier as I gain support and understanding by reading others journals and seeing the support that everyone gives. The way I see it is that there is no failure in this journey, just a day by day challenge to become a better person. Stay strong!
  15. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    When does the flatlining end!! Good grief! That's my usual thoughts every morning. 25 days in and no urge to PMO but hating this dead wood stage. I try to compare it to someone losing weight. It takes 20 years gain the weight so it's not going to disappear in one month. I gotta say that starting reading this forum, YBOP website and beginning this journal are the best things I could have done to start this journey. Whenever I feel the urge coming on I get on this site and read others journals and feel much better. Thanks to the people who run this site and YBOP. I will do this as their is no room for failure. Stay strong everyone.
  16. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    I'm on day 26 and still flatlining also. Haven't had decent morning wood in years. The day I wake up with that again, it will be bizarre to me.
  17. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Hi, Raiduh!
    Your journal ispires me on this road! Thank you for being so honest and for expressing so clearly all your feelings and thaughts.
    I m on my day 10.
    Step by step. Last days I started to feel the flatline and I m enjoying a lot. I m 46 yo and never had ED. I just feel that this flatline is helping me a lot. Its a kind of break, a good hollydays for my body and for my emotions. I was really exausted of PMO every day for so many time. And didnt know how to stop. Now I can see a way. Hard, I know. And we are together. On last days I ve learned a lot about my sexuality and about myself. I am realising that this journey is a healing process to help myself to enjoy my life.
    Keep updating your journal.
    Courage and good luck!
  18. Daniel

    Daniel New Member

    It took me about 6 weeks to really see the end of the flatline period. 6 weeks is no time at all when you've been basically been bashing the hell out of your penis, daily, for over 15 years. Imagine if you did that to your finger? It'd be raw.

    Now I get rock solid morning wood, almost every single day. I hadn't had that for over 10 years. I'm getting erections by thinking about real women and how good it feels to be close to someone.

    If you're anything like I was, when your erections come back, you might start to get aroused, think you're fixed, and start to want to see porn again. Talk to your partner if this happens and see if you can find out why you're getting those cravings. I find it really helpful to think about why I want to look at porn - what's the reason? because I honestly don't think it's libido. Real libido wants you to fuck real women. Real libido doesn't want you to waste your days in front of pixels.

    Stick with it. I'm glad you're getting value from that The Porn Trap book I posted too. I really wish I still had a partner to help me through this, make the most of it. Especially the sex and bonding tips near the end of the book, I can imagine those being helpful.

    I'd had that book sitting on my shelf for a couple of years actually. I only started reading it after getting ED and discovering YBOP. It's strange. I bought it with full intention of reading it, and I wanted consciously to at least know more about porn's effects, but there was always a little voice saying 'Nah, don't worry, you don't need to give up porn'. I guess that was my limbic system trying to protect me.
  19. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    Typing this post to help with the urges today. It's day 30 and today it's like the urge to just "do it" is overwhelming. I can't believe it, the last couple of weeks I've been doing pretty good, not many thoughts at all, but today it seems as my brain is going into overdrive to get its taste of some "good stuff". It seems to just be one of those days, I'm off today and at the house just wallowing in misery. Don't know why, but a few things come to mind, don't really like my job, car problems and just a blah feeling. Maybe it's my mid life crisis at 50 :) On a good note, morning wood is slowly returning and random tingles during the day, at least I know he's not dead. The grip that this addiction can have on you is so stifling at times. It may loosen at times but you always feel it somewhere on your body. Alright, enough self pity, thanks journal for being there and thanks to all of you sharing your stories and giving support. Off to swim and play with my dogs. Stay strong brothers.
  20. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Raiduh,
    I had a relapse yesterday and I feel really weak.
    About the only support I can give at this point is to advise looking at the journals.
    Playing with the dogs is always good for what ails.
    Be well,

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