Hi everyone! It's time to make a journal of femdom-recovery. This femdom is probably a lot worse addiction than normal porn-addiction and it's very common today but rebooting/recovering from it (or any fetish) is not so well known. Luckily, there're success stories of recovering from femdom-addiction and from many other different fetishes. So there's definitely hope. But it's easier said than done. This journey might be the hardest thing what you will face in your life but once you manage to overcome this real life hell, I bet it was all worth it. I know life is not fair when you have to deal such a demon but there's light in the end of the tunnel. I introduce myself shortly, I try to keep this post short. You can read me more from my other posts if you want to know more from my background. I started PMO at age of 11-12, very quickly swift from vanilla porn to femdom and stick to it till reboot, so basically 99% my porn history was femdom, never escalated to anything else. As years went by, I developed PIED, morning woods disappeared and my penile sensitivity had decreased due to death-grip masturbation and nothing else turned me on than femdom so I started rebooting at age of 19, may of 2015, and had rebooted over a year. I'm not recovered yet, not even close to that but don't freak out, my recovering hasn't been perfect. Always tried hardmode but relapsed every 3rd week on average. My longest streak of abstinence was 60 days and my next goal is 90 days. No real sexual experience and I haven't rewired nearly at all. I should rewire because it's much more helpful than just abstaining, rewiring is essential thing for guys like us. So zero rewiring has been my biggest flaw in my reboot. I have seen improvements though: gained those "super-powers" (confidence, clear mind, better focus etc) and 1st wet dreams of my life happened during my reboot. My sensitivity has increased a little bit but it's still not sensitive enough to get hard and ejaculate from touching only / without femdom fantasy. I get weak morning woods and arousal from real thing sometimes but not regularly or properly. Real girls have been more attractive than ever but still not arousing though. I write my journal as often as I feel to it and from the feeling and mood. So one day I can be very depressed and other day doing okey. Unfortunately, I've been very depressed and anxious last month so my first updates probably won't be so inspiring but I hope it will change to better. Of course I'll write all the good things as well. I hope this journal will be inspiring story of success on someday.
Re: The Journal of Femdom-addiction [Mara430's journal] My 1st update. I know counting days is not very important but it gives some perspective about my reboot. And remember: I've rebooted over a year so I'm going like "day 500" but I'll use my current streak days. And I warn you in advance: if you are struggling a lot or just started rebooting, this post won't be happy reading at all so maybe it's not worth reading. It just describes my feelings and thoughts at the moment. It doesn't mean that I can't recover or I've lost all hope, just my feelings at the moment. Maybe someone can cheer me up or give an advice but I think it's good to write my feelings down and let them free. DAY 23 So here it comes, my feelings now, there's not as much rational thoughts, just feelings: Very deep flatline... Zero libido... I feel like a asexual zombie who doesn't turn on to anything. Dead dick. Maybe my anxiety kills the rest of my low libido. Good news: No urges to PMO or femdom fantasies. Bad news: Very depressed and hopeless feeling. It's sad that I have had suicidal thoughts every day last month... never tried or anything like that! I Never could kill myself. Suicidal people have said it very well: I don't want to kill myself, I just don't want to exist. So at the moment I wouldn't mind to die without pain. That's my thoughts at worst. And I'm in my twenties and life suppose to be ahead of me. So it's just sad to think like that, isn't it. But what I really hope: I just want to full recover more than anything. If can't then I don't know what to do with life. My mental health wouldn't endure the fact that I couldn't have normal and healthy sexual relationship. I couldn't stand that other people can enjoy life and I don't. In this state of mind, I feel like it's all-in: Full recover or full destruction... And if I can't recover, don't say to me "there's more than sex/sex isn't that important in life/there's much good things life as well" I've tired of that BS. Mostly it's from people who doesn't understand what it feels like when your sexuality is stolen. They don't understand what I miss from life. Sexuality is your fundamental enjoyment of your life and I don't have it. That's what I feel now. You can be rich or poor, beautiful or ugly, skinny or fat, popular or unpopular, social or lonely but you still have your fundamental and precious thing: your healthy sexuality. And I feel like I don't have it, it's stolen by porn. I have no idea how I could live happily with the fact I can't have sex. Or vanilla sex at least. I wouldn't want femdom for real. On level of thought femdom acts with loving partner wouldn't be so bad but in reality I wouldn't want that. And it's almost a fact that you don't find a femdom-girl which interests you as a human, is attractive, loves you, normal balanced relationship with her otherwise, she respects you and is only into femdom. I think that just fantasy. Maybe few girls can have those fantasies as well but I don't think there exist normal girls who are into femdom as much as we are/were. So I don't think that real femdom lifestyle is a good option. It's just only my opinion and notice that I didn't say that you can't enjoy femdom acts with your partner, I said it's nearly impossible to FIND a partner with the criteria that she's into femdom AND interests you in every other way. And why I have been so depressed and had suicidal thoughts? This rebooting has taken so fucking long and it doesn't feel like bullet proof thing to recover even I've been told so. Don't know why I feel like that. Maybe it's the fact that my brain just don't understand what real sex is so it's not arousing. I don't why I have this belief all the time: I haven't aroused vanilla nearly at all, so I'm deeply wired to femdom and can't recover. I feel like I have wired my brain permanently to femdom and it's not reversible. It feels like it. That's why I've been so depressed. And I don't know why success stories recovering from femdom addiction won't make me super confident about recovering. Why I'm not positive about it... maybe I've suffered so long that it has become some kind of belief and norm that recovering isn't possible, this is going to be rest of my life. END OF MY FEELINGS And that's maybe enough my feelings lol. I'm pretty depressed sometimes about this as you can see but I think I'm not alone and it's kind of normal to have feelings like this when you are facing your biggest hell of your life. This is definitely not a linear process so there's going be bad and good moments. I felt very confident when I was in my 60 streak but when relapsed, I felt very depressed and it has been going same since the relapse. I hope it's going to ease when my school starts because last month I've been alone so mind has had negative thoughts. And I have supportive networks as well, first I'm going see a psychology and a therapist later. I hope I see some progress in next few months, then I know better. I'm sorry that this was pretty sad to read but I need to be honest so everyone can relate how serious issue this is. I promise, there'll be good posts soon as possible I notice good things. I hope you can read my bad feelings with a wisdom and tell me how wrong I am and cheer me up
DAY 24 A better day than yesterday but still feeling low. This subject controls my life too much. I'm thinking about it all day long and I know I shouldn't. I spend too much time on this forum, many times a day. I should visit fewer times, too much is just too much. I think I just try to find more motivation and success stories. I also want know is it possible to get rid of fetishes. That's why I spend a lot of time on the net finding answers. My conclusion about fetishes: In my case, I think it's going to be part of me rest of my life. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I just ignore it and stop reinforcing it with porn and fantasies. Porn-induced fetishes are likely to fade away with time (they won't arouse you anymore) but I don't think that pre-porn fetishes will fade away. That doesn't mean that they will have control of your life, it's possible to have control of them. I mean they will always arouse you but hard to believe that if you reboot, you can't get aroused by vanilla. We already have evidence for successful recovering. Is my fetish "innate" or porn-induced? I'm between in the middle. I didn't have femdom fantasies and my sexual thoughts were always vanilla before puberty but when I discovered porn, I quickly found femdom interesting. I think I just conditioned deeply into femdom. My goals during reboot: Try to focus on real life, don't spend too much time on here. I know it's easier said than done. But when I accepted that it's okay to have these fantasies, I feel much more relaxed. Just ignore them and continue with life. I think acceptance gives me peace. I'm not so stressed when I accept the existence of my fantasies. And that doesn't mean that I should feed them with porn or MO to them, let them be and ignore them, and they will become smaller and smaller of your sexuality. I hope on someday I can get aroused properly by vanilla sex.
Day 25 My biggest enemy now isn't relapsing, it's my anxiety and depression which I suffer from everyday. It makes my life more misarable than this problem itself. I have to fight back to enjoy at least other things in life. I've slept very badly last nights. If I manage to get my good mood back, I'm going to recover. I want to believe that. Also good news: I can get erections daily by thinking something sexual. They range from 40-100%. Yesterday I gained 100% erection by touching only! It's a good sign. But I never feel aroused though. I'm waiting the day when I get 100% erections and 100% arousal properly. Now I've to focus fighting against depression. I won't let this thing to take enjoyment from life.
Hi everyone! I've been off this forum about 3 weeks due to my busy lifestyle (studying in university etc). I had a good streak going (about 30-40 days) but unfortunately, I've been relapsing every 3rd day for 2 weeks. But now I must quit if I ever want to recover. I tell you why I relapsed. I suffer from serious depression and anxiety which kills my hope to recover. Well, of course relapsing is not the answer (not very surprising). But I also have had suicidal thoughts every day for 2 months. My other life is pretty miserable too. Isolating, wanting to sleep all the time, crying, feeling low, doing nothing. I've some willpower to study but I can't say how long I can make it. I feel so miserable and sad I need professional help and I'm getting it soon. But every second feels eternity. I've been fighting this pmo/femdom-addiction almost 1.5 year. And still not recovered. Yes I know I'd be doing MUCH better if not relapsing (also need rewiring). I've seen progress but it fades away when relapse. Sometimes I'm so anxious that I feel to run away this real life hell but I can't. It's so horrible feeling. The professionals who I've talked to, say that I should accept my sexuality as it is. They've also been interested in this YBOP/NoFap thing but they are not familiar with it (what a surprise). I know you can't deny your sexuality but I'm confused what it is. I really think porn is bad for you and it really shape your tastes more extreme. I wouldn't like to do femdom for real but I can't deny my sexuality either. But on the other hand I really want vanilla stuff and not being submissive but it doesn't get me horny (yet) so it's really hard to tell what is my sexuality. I think reality is this: I think this submissive tendency is part of me on some level because I've always fapped to that kind of porn. So it's probably not going fade away entirely. But I don't want to rely on it to get off so I want to wider my sexuality to vanilla stuff. And I think it's possible with nofap. So porn is not going to be option for me. I really want to find love and feel that. I really want to be able to feel pleasure from (vanilla) sex. It's a basic human need. It's kind of sad you have to fight about it. But I have no choice. When I first read GoingToSucceed's success story, I thought it was nice but it's not enough for me. I want to be able to get as horny from sex as it was when first discovered masturbation/porn as a kid. FYI, I'm not experienced real sex but fantasizing doesn't do me anything (for now at least). So probably if I try sex it would fail. But now, I would be so happy if I reached that what he already had. Being able to enjoy vanilla and having a gf. I know life is more than sex but sex is important part of it. Same applies to relationships. And I know I'm not like "the worst case". Many rebooter feels like that (me too sometimes) but reality is this very bad situation to everyone. Some people have more luck, the others don't. There are many rebooters who have been fighting longer and having harder times than me but this is not a race. There're also rebooters who have won their fights. I want that too. But it's easier said than done. I'm living my freshman year and it should be the best time of your life but mine is the worst. Not being able to have sex limits your life a lot. I've to overcome this situation. My life is ahead of me and the happy part of it haven't come yet. So I must fight for it. TL; DR: So depressed/anxious so I relapse -> lost hope to recover and having suicidal thoughts. It's hard circle to overcome but I'll fight. I don't wan't to give up. So it's day 0 again. Counting is only psychological but setting a goal gives you something to reach. It's about small steps. I need to win this depression/anxiety and then improve my other life. Then recovery is possible.
Yes. But be ready to face whatever will come without any easy escape. In my case, I always used PMO to escape from bad feelings and bad emotions. Whenever I felt sad, mad, lonely or whatever bad emotions you can imagine, I knew I had porn to alleviate my bad feelings. It was my easy escape from the bad reality I was living. But by doing so, I never really faced my fears and pain. I am not yet the man I was designed for and I know I will have to work hard to become it. Only when we REALLY choose not to run from whatever this crazy world throws to us, we can live free from these chains. It will not be easy at all, it will be damn hard, but it will be damn worth it.
I am ready to do anything I know it was not easy but i will not give up because I really want to free from this will reboot help me? Or any other idea you have?
It will definitely boost your confidence and decrease your social anxiety. But you cannot simply avoid PMO and hope things will get better. You must replace PMO with positive and reinforcing habits: working out, reading, studying, socializing, traveling, meditating or whatever hobby you like that keep you far from a screen. Create the best version of yourself and you will get what you deserve.
