The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. Back after long hiatus!

The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. A recovery story.

Thanks for the kind words guys!

@davemustaine13 thanks for dropping by man, I'm glad I can be of service !


So I had a day where I peeked a bit at bikini photos. Nothing major but still peeked. The next day was a new day and I didn't peek at all at anything which goes to show how if you just forgive yourself and move on, you don't really need to worry about the occasional slip up.

Going to try and get this spreadsheet sorted now.

 

Re: ElJefe's journal

How you going jeff?

Peeking is the killer. Gets me all the time even after 4-5-5 weeks without doing it. Peeking is the prequel to relapsing.

 

Re: ElJefe's journal

@gameover I've been okay thanks. Not peeked in quite a few days - I've been so busy I've barely had time to breathe!

Saw Selena the other day which was really nice but I was having some issues with my bank so I was stressed out my mind. Basically I rented a van to help move stuff for the Opera Society and, completely accidentally, I scratched it against another car when coming out of a really narrow junction with cars parked each side. It's only third party insurance so they have taken £850 excess out of my account already and will pay back the rest after I fill in the accident form, but the accident form they sent me is utter shit and has someone else's writing all over it! We went to see the opera but I had to go out because I just couldn't stop thinking about money and was majorly stressing out. I bloody hope Opera Society will pay for the damage because it wasn't my fault, I was doing them a favour and it wasn't like I was driving recklessly - I was just trying to move all their shit for them.

Selena was great though, and we went back to hers and chatted loads and drank wine. What a legend of a girlfriend.

Anyway I have a gig later on this evening - no rest for the wicked!

 

Re: ElJefe's journal

It’s gone midnight. As I sit on my bed having watched an episode of Californication, a series about my favourite fictional badass Hank Moody, I open my window to have a cigarette. I don’t even smoke; I’m very health conscious, but since I was given a packet of duty free cigarettes by a friend, without any guilt, actually, I decide to have one. They’re Marlboro Lights. I know the dangers, but sometimes a man needs to have some time off to think about why he holds the beliefs he does, in my case, since I can’t get to a gym at the moment due being with my parents for only two weeks and two-week memberships being impossible, I have decided to use this time to reflect.

Hank Moody is a writer who is infused with effortless male charm that often inspires me to sit down and be creative. As I stare out of my open window, I see a cat in the twilight. I’m on the second floor of my parents’ detached town house on a small suburban cul-de-sac. As I make a teeth-sucking noise it looks straight up at me, figuring me out. It’s a ginger tom, and we hold eye contact for a good five seconds. It walks into a bush unfazed and unperturbed, and lies down under a bush out of my view. I am entertained by this tom - I like him; he has character. A tabby comes into the frame. I make the same teeth-sucking noise and he looks up. We hold each other’s gaze for around 10 seconds. I don’t back down, and he eventually skulks off down the street. Suddenly, he stops in his tracks. The ginger Tom has come out of his bush and is ready to attack. The tabby arches his back and the two of them glower at each other for what seems like an eternity. The tabby backs down and tries to run. The ginger cat runs after him and hisses, circling round the territory the tabby has just occupied. They both disappear out of view behind separate houses at opposite ends of the street.

As I enjoy my cigarette and my cat watching, I realise how far I’ve come since I started this PMO journey. Simple pleasures seem to amuse me so much. I can relate to the tomcat – definitely the ‘alpha male’, a term I prefer to use to describe animals and not humans in the hope that we have evolved a bit socially since the days we had to scare off others with a hiss and a bite. And taking pleasure in the little things in life is definitely just one of the many things that has changed since I started this life journey. I feel aware of the subtleties and nuances of experience, the intricacy of my perception, and the places I find my mind wandering too. I feel calm, confident, and in control. I smile to myself as I ponder all of this, while I finish my cigarette.

Selena

Selena, Selena, Selena. The name rolls off my tongue like a tennis ball down a slope. It’s hard to know where to start when it comes to Selena. I haven’t written in this diary for a long time, after all. I’ve been out living life, and writing on here has started to become unnecessary from my own perspective; I barely think about porn anymore, and if I do, it’s because I’m bored. Nothing ever comes of it, though, because I’m gaining deeper understanding everyday into my own mind.

I often think about Selena. The way we made love that last time was so intimate I felt I could cry. Finally, I feel like I’ve lost my virginity - the first successful sex of my life, and twice in a row. No signs or ED or DE anymore, just love. I am the don of my world, the king of my castle, the ginger tom to my street, the El Jefe to my journal, finally. I’ll try and explain, but it’s hard to explain something that escapes the facility of words:

Selena and I got back together because I wooed her. I told her I didn’t want to be with anyone else, told her I loved her, and that I had thought this through. I had. But what I hadn’t realised, or at least fully computed, was her wealth of experience in relationships and my complete lack of it. When we were out together I would still find myself acting out by flirting with other women under the illusion that Selena didn’t mind, that she ‘wasn’t the jealous type’. And I wasn’t flirting out of lust or greed either, just out of habit. I’m a flirtatious guy but a lot of it is just how I found I conditioned myself to cope with my long flat line. To put on a flirtatious front was just easier, and expected of me as a good-looking guy, than to be natural which meant being non-sexual. I was deeply embarrassed about my own asexuality. I didn’t know what behaving naturally was; I had never experienced what it felt like. All I had ever done in my life up to that point was to put up a front, either to disguise my depression, my anxiety, or my porn addiction.

Selena saw this as rather selfish of me. She had been so compassionate towards me in every way, supported me in my journey and been unfailingly there for me as a friend and lover, and the only way I could repay her was with this blatant show of disrespect. She told me this and I understood. The move to Germany was too much for her for other reasons than just that, too. For her, at 33, a complete turnaround just seemed too much. She’d already done that so many times, she’d floundered professionally for many years, and now she felt like she needed to get her new personal training career off the ground. I understood. We agreed we’d keep seeing each other until I left for Germany, and then we’d end it. It ended quicker than that, though. We had made plans to see each other a few times before the move, but when I got a text from her one night saying that she was meeting up with a guy she had liked when we had been on our break, it hurt me. It hurt me because even though she said, and I believed her, that nothing physical would happen, she said she liked him as more than a friend, and I felt disrespected by this. Couldn’t she wait till I had moved away to X before she started dating other people? I texted her saying I wasn’t very happy but wasn’t angry, and she said she’d talk to me tomorrow. I was an agonising wait. All I could think were neurotic thoughts. And then, the next day, an email, highlighting all the points I had mentioned in my passionate text outburst. This email was really analysing every point to a tee but in a pseudo-rational emotionally charged discourse. That wasn’t our relationship and it never had been. I rang her that day and said I didn’t want to go through all the points in the email. That I was just so grateful for what we had had and that I had been lucky enough to ever have the privilege of meeting such an amazing woman, that I didn’t want to entertain the thought of falling out with her. I would always love her in one way or another… We decided to cut it off there and then, so it wouldn’t lead to more pain down the line. I said I wouldn’t be staying with her when I went back up north the weekend I had a course.

We spoke again on the phone the other week about her coming on the YBR show to chat with us and she is definitely in. We just get on so damn well! I literally can’t fault the woman for anything, she’s been nothing but good to me!

So life goes on in just over a month’s time, in a new country, a new city. I hope to learn the language fast (I’m lucky to have a natural affinity for languages), teach EFL (doing my TEFL course at the end of this month), sing jazz in local jazz bars and hopefully start a band, and do plenty of writing and see where all these things take me.

The future is so bright, and life so sweet. Bittersweet. Bitterness may come first but sweetness always follows it. In fact the two take turns. To discover ourselves, we must work out a technique. Shed our armour and be honest with ourselves and others. I have spent the last couple of weeks at my parents’ in Y meditating and self-searching. I visited a friend the other day in Z and we went to a floatation centre (where you lie in a tank with very salty water in total darkness, and it gives your body the feeling it is in zero gravity), and a Buddhist centre. These experiences were enlightening but words to describe experiences or journeys like this really aren’t enough, and so I’ll stop here. This is already a very long post. What I will say is that I’m getting ever closer to discovering my true self – peaceful bliss.

I’ll leave you with this video of my beloved guru, Mooji. I decided he would be my guru after just a few times watching his videos on YouTube. His insights are deeply inspiring and profound:



I will be posting on this journal from time to time, but don’t hold out for it. I will still take part in the YBR show each week, so stay tuned.

We need to start speaking out about the problem of porn addiction so we can spread awareness about these real issues that are facing real men and women every day and causing inexcusable amounts of suffering for all involved.

May everyone be happy and free from suffering.
May everyone gain equanimity free from hatred and attachment.

 

Re: ElJefe's journal

So Dan is your real name? Not Jeff?

Either way I'm enthralled with how far you've come with your journey.
I can definitely tell that you're a new man and have bigger and brighter things in your future.
You've come one hell of a long way through this struggle and I couldn't be more proud of you.
I totally relate to your ability to now see the beauty in small things.
It's a wonderful feeling.

By the way, your YBR show is pretty awesome, I've listened to a lot of it.
You guys are touching on the most important aspects of it!
A+ times infinity.

 

Re: ElJefe's journal

Great last post man, wish you the very best.

 

Re: ElJefe's journal

Great and inspiring post, rock on Dan and see you around.

 

Re: The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. A recovery story. Check out the YBR show!

We've taught ourselves that there's only one thing to do when we see porn: relapse. This is the only way we'll get reward or release. We get tunnel vision, we refuse to see any other options, and we relapse.

But cue extinction allows us to see that there's another option, and it's more rewarding than relapse. It feels good to walk away, and so it becomes easier to do.

...

I'm glad to hear you're living your life well in Berlin! Uprooting yourself and learning a new language as you do so? 8) That's some serious food for serious growth. Mingling with the people in the jazz clubs sounds particularly promising, to me. The people you come to know are invaluable. Everyone is, after all, a world within a world, and you never know how many connections you'll make through a single friend.

 

Re: The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. A recovery story. Check out the YBR show!

Berlin sounds awesome!
You have quite the impressive arsenal of job qualifications.
Life seems to be very adventurous for you.
I wish I had the motivation to practice an instrument every day.

Yeah, Suicide Girls can definitely be a trap.
Very misleading title, lol.

I'm happy to hear you're able to make positive changes with your perfectionism.
Nothing wrong with having high standards though
But life really is much simpler when you stop worrying about every little thing.

 

Re: The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. A recovery story. Check out the YBR show!

I have been undone by suicide girls as well. No big deal im sure it wont affect any ED for you.

 

Re: The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. A recovery story. Check out the YBR show!

@Ape I need to start it soon. I definitely will.

@Dr. Evil Why thank you, sir! True, there's nothing wrong with high standards, but having too rigidly high standards just means you never get anyone nice haha

@gameover It doesn't seem to have made a difference.

Something has been changing in me over these past few weeks. I've been meditating and watching Mooji (the guru I sent a link to in one of my posts). He focuses on self-enquiry - to know the true Self is to know the moment before all concepts can arise from Mind. You are not the Mind, you are not the ego, you are not the body. You simply Are. If you practice this self-enquiry regularly by simply being with the subtle feeling of 'I Am', then all you find left is peace. The more I do this practice the more I've been experiencing a growing sense awareness and clarity in every moment, a conscious awareness that requires no effort. It just is. This may seem overly deep or even crazy to some less philosophically/spiritually minded people but I can say from personal experience that this really works. Don't take my word for it, though - if you feel moved to try it, you will, if you don't, you won't.

Desire is disappearing from my life. Pain is disappearing from my life. All I have left is this lucid awareness, and a little bit of fear. It's fear of what lies even deeper - if I were to let go of my ego entirely, then who would I identify as? In reality, these questions are questions of Mind and may as well be ignored. If our true nature is consciousness itself then these questions have no place in reality, they are merely concepts.

I'm also noticing how everything unfolds to meet the needs of the moment. There is no such thing as a mistake in the big picture. Everything we do serves to help us gain a better understanding of ourselves, if we choose to see it that way.

I went to a bar with a few mates last night. I felt kind of bored! Not bored as in totally painfully bored, but bored for want of a better word. I was feeling like I didn't need to be here, like my desire to party and be part of this young peoples' culture of getting drunk simply hinders the lucidity of awareness, but happy nonetheless (I can't help but be these days). I went home, and for some reason ended up on YouTube. I didn't feel triggered at all but came across this video, and made a conscious decision to have a fap. It was like I did it out of fear for my disappearing sense of ego, like this was something that would confirm the existence of it. Naturally as soon as this happened I was like 'ah crap' and just went to bed without giving it too much thought. When I woke up this morning I felt a sense of anxiety with no idea what it was for. Then I remembered what had happened.

Everything that is happening is unfolding in such an amazingly florid way, I'm really struggling to explain in words. This experience is very personal. My rigid ideals of Never Fap are merging with the needs of every moment. I no longer feel I must never fap, but feel absolutely no need or desire to do so. If it happens again, so be it. If it doesn't, so be it. Everything that is here right now in this moment, let it be. It's all I need and all I will ever need. Let everything that is, be, and everything that isn't, be not, and let everything that neither is or isn't be felt as the subtle vibration of Awareness.

 

Re: The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. A recovery story. Check out the YBR show!

You don't seem to be fretting too much about your fap, and you needn't. Fapping is to your sexual health what Big Macs are to your physique: junk food. When you indulge in either, you'll remember how insanely good they taste in the moment, and the "ugh" feeling they leave you with. Consume either with abandon, and you'll become fat or impotent. Both are textbook supernormal stimuli.

 

Re: The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. A recovery story. Check out the YBR show!

Hey guys,

So I haven't been on here for many months, and I thought I'd post an update on how I've been doing.

I moved to Berlin and things have been going well. I've had a number of sexual encounters with a number of women, some successful and some not so successful. Moving to a new environment can encourage more slips if one feels lonely or isolated or bored, so one must be on their guard when they move country/state/city. On the other hand I've learnt heaps about myself. I've dated a few girls and slept with a few girls casually, but none of these really felt like a good match for me. I, like most others on here, am looking for a great connection. I don't want a relationship to be largely physical because I had that just recently, and it ended up in me very much wanting to have sex almost all the time. I think balance is necessary. I'm just getting on with my life, meditating and the like, and I think I'm gonna start posting on here again because I feel like it's important to hold myself accountable.

I've started a NoFap pact with the great JediMindTricks and we're sticking to that till 7th March (until the pact is renewed). So far we've been doing it for 2 weeks and I've been most days to pictures of bikini clad women and the like. It's fine, I haven't fapped, so I'm already improving, but it's amazing how one can even come from being practically recovered to justifying a relapse!

I've also started a journal on Gabe's Reboot Nation website, you can check it here at http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=3529.0

Peace dudes x

 

Re: The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. A recovery story. Check out the YBR show!

Szeva Dan!

It's been a long time since we last talked. I'm glad to see you doing well mate! I wish you courage in Berlin, I'm told it's the land of opportunity right now!

I was so into my life that I forgot about Nofap and YBR altogether. I stated my withdrawal from the community last year, but the truth is now I start to miss you guys, as the things we talked about keep coming true in all of our lives, and when that happens, these memories with you guys come into my mind. How all of our efforts pay off, even when we fall hard sometimes!

This forum has been a great outlet for me to talk about Porn addiction and self-development as only you guys can connect deeply to what I'm going through. So I'm going to restart my journal here! I'm very excited to connect with you guys again!


Cheers,

TCB

 

Re: The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. A recovery story. Check out the YBR show!

TCB! Szevasz!

I am so very happy that you're starting back with your journal again, I thought I'd never hear from you again!

I look forward to reading your journal again and hearing about your experiences. (check your inbox for a message coming your way)

Lots of bro-love,

Dan

 

Re: The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. A recovery story. Check out the YBR show!

Where be all ma dudes at?

 

Hey mate!

Sorry for not getting back earlier. I sent you a message last month but I'm a noob and couldn't check if it was sent or not.

Hope you treat life well! Let's PM!


PS. great video!

 

Haven't posted in years; I haven't been doing too well in terms of porn. Shutting down this thread now as no one reads it. Bye guys.

 

Why not come back instead? There are still people here doing their best overcoming this addiction, even though there is less than it used to. I would recommend seeing who is writing actively atm, and then judge the situation from there