The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. Back after long hiatus!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Szabo, Sep 22, 2013.

  1. adamski123

    adamski123 New Member

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hey Jeff, heard you on the radio show. Came here to offer my support as a fellow Brit!
     
  2. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    So the other night after I posted that, a weird and quite funny thing happened. Instead of using my hand, I tried to see what would happen if I humped my bed lol, as something made me think that would probably be better than using a hand. I was thinking kinda porny thoughts, and had looked and fantasised beforehand about some pictures of a girl I used to fancy on Facebook, but nothing to porny. However I counted that as a peek and an MO because it basically is. There was absolutely no binging involved. I might set up a spreadsheet now, I think this whole counter thing doesn't particularly serve my needs anymore.

    So Selena has been giving me mixed signals recently. She came to my recital, sat next to my Dad and chatted to him for ages, and properly waited around afterwards so she could come to the pub for a few pints with my band, Dad and I. It was really nice to see her. Then the next day we invited her to come for afternoon tea and she hung out with us and again it was so good to spend time with her, and I sensed a bit of chemistry between us. She also invited me to go and stay at her Dad's house at the coast in a few weeks… hardly things that just 'friends' do… I really want her back. I never had the balls to properly show her it before but I am very much in love with this girl, and I know I could make her very happy. When we were seeing each other it was 'casual' but it should have been more serious, I just didn't let it because I was a pussy about my feelings and I let her go. I was stupid. It's not like I'm totally fucked up by this yet, but obviously it's having an effect on me, it's kind of slow emotional torture. So despite the evident chemistry between us and rapport we have, I might just have to ask her if we could not hang out, for the sake of my own sanity… Assuming no flame is rekindled that is. I think the ball's in her court now, or is it? It's hard for me to not appear hopelessly young and inexperienced with regard to relationships. :/

    @TCB igazad van spanom, igazad van. :p Strong Jeff is definitely back! Woop! :D

    adamski123 thanks for dropping by mate, I appreciate the support!



    In other miscellaneous news… had a really good night out yesterday with my course mates. I got drunk for the first time in ages. Today I don't even have a hangover which makes a change from when I've usually been drunk. Realised I haven't been drunk since I discovered my addiction.
     
  3. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    This is a good move. You've come so far that the streak model is a poor representation of your progress. A spreadsheet allows you to unlock the big picture.

    Best of luck with Selena. Trust your instincts. They are ancient and wise. ;)
     
  4. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    It sounds like more than friends. I don't think you can go backwards with her as you have already been intimate.

    I think you should go for it if the chance is still their if you do have such strong feelings for her.
     
  5. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    There's no feeling like that of a missed shot at a proper relationship with someone you love because you didn't try hard enough. I know how it feels man. I've always been afraid to commit and be open about how I feel for the people I love, and it has only done me bad. I did it because I thought I was protecting my feelings when, in the end, I open up myself to much worse feelings; feelings of regret. Much worse than those of being rejected, unappreciated, not loved back, etc.

    I still struggle with that, and I see you're doing it too, and it pains me to think about how many others are living with unexpressed love for fear of losing the thing they love forever. The great thing about love is that it is an immense source of courage that is not rivaled by anything else on this earth. It takes a lot of effort and willpower to unlock this courage and it also needs you to recognise exactly how much this girl actually means to you. I think you've admitted to yourself that this girl means a lot. Go out and tell her just how much she means to you, and if you can't tell her then let your eyes, hands, fingers and lips speak for you and if she doesn't respond well and you don't like her answer then at least you have given it a good try. It's better to live with the answers we don't want than to live with the questions we never asked.

    Again, I know how hard it is to not have asked the questions or expressed the feelings I have inside. I've been devastated over feelings I haven't expressed and chances I've missed and feelings that have been left to slowly decompose deep inside of me. Feelings we have for others are not ours to keep, they're ours to give. They do not live well inside of us, like an organism that doesn't belong to our body they do not cope in our system and they make us feel bad and ill if kept for too long.

    I'm writing this to myself and to everyone else who has felt like this. I hope that we can all be better at expressing our emotions and if this journey that we are on will help us do just that then it has been worth all of the collective pains of our efforts and it will do twice the good because for every emotion expressed there is an emotion received by someone else and it is our unique privilege to be able to have a feeling and see it replicate and grow in someone else.

    Sorry if it gets emotional. I'm in an emotional mood and am struggling with similar feelings (although not as strong as your feelings for Selena). I know you've told this girl that you have feelings for her and maybe you feel like that's enough, but if you think you've seen a change in her that could indicate that she's interested again then I would say that the ball is in your court if you want it to. If you don't think this is relevant, then disregard my post as the musings of a hopeless romantic porn addict ::)

    [​IMG]
     
  6. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    You guys are right, I need to show her how I feel but it's just a question of being able to hang out with her one-to-one.

    In other news I'm in the kinda perfect relapse zone that we talked about the other day on the radio show. I'm feeling pretty negative right now. The friend I mentioned before who's a virgin came around and we watched a film and fooled around a bit. I just don't like doing that sort of thing because I think she might have feelings for me and I can't reciprocate, and even though she knows that because I was honest with her about it, I'm feeling all confused now again. I wish I had the strength to just leave this material world, shave my head and go on retreat for many years to realise true happiness. Who knows, maybe monk Jeff will one day happen…

    In other news my workout partner (the girl who asked for my number in the gym so we could be 'workout buddies') but who has a boyfriend has been texting me to go out on a night out with her. She's been saying stuff like 'you'll have to pretend to be my boyfriend 'cos everyone else will have their boyfriends and girlfriends'… I flirtatiously texted back saying 'Only if I get the benefits ;) hehe' and she responds ambigiously 'you'll have the benefit of my company ;P'

    Agh I can't be bothered with these girls. None of it is happiness, and none of it lasts forever. Happiness = peace, end of.
     
  7. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Mmm.

    With the boyfriend thing, and this is a negative view of it, she is going to be all bf/gf with you to go out and have fun or whate whatever but shes still going to go home and be fucking him. You dont want to be the guy who girls use because their boyfriends dont want to do shit other than sex. Thats my view anyway unless she is going to put out for you and not just being a flirt.

    When you say 'fool' around with your virgin friend do you mean kissing and cuddling etc or do you mean less or more? Any reason she is still a virgin?
     
  8. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    The girl with the boyfriend is in a long-distance relationship. She is in her first year and he lives miles and miles away and so yeah, it looks like they're going through some problems at the moment. The thing is even if she does put out for me, would that be fulfilling? Right now I just feel so empty. Sex without love just seems so meaningless.

    My virgin friend and I just fooled around a bit and got a bit naked but not completely. Yeah, basically just kissing and cuddling. She is still a virgin because she has a hang up about sex. She is a christian and she also went to an all-girls' school so hasn't had much experience with guys for that reason.
     
  9. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Just had a loooong day at work and I've got a cold and am feeling kinda ill. Sort of peeked a bit at some photos on twitter of a scantily clad woman which I came across by accident. Can't believe that these pictures are even allowed on twitter wtf! Anyway I managed to stop but then when I got home I peeked again on those crappy babestation things you get on free TV. Anyway managed to stop doing that so I now I'm here. Gonna go to bed. Having urges to peek right now but just gonna resist them 'cos I know this is just my brain trying to fool me into relapse. Meh.
     
  10. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Urgh just peeked again! Need to stop fucking peeking!
     
  11. fugu

    fugu "You know, feelin' good, livin' betta." :) Staff Member

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hang in there Jeff!
     
  12. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    An urge to peek is you wanting your fix, mate. If you can resist giving your brain the fix it will slowly have to realise that no more fixes are coming and it will have to learn to receive what you want to give it :) Hopefully it works like this hehe. I hope you made it through the night!
     
  13. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    You should try hypbosis it only takes 15min and requires a goid meditative state which you should already have.

    I got one on youtube and it makes me feel like im porn free and happu and do not need it whenever I see the color red. For 14 days I had zero urge to peek until I came across material which was stimulating and it gave me urges again. Repeated the hypnosis last night and all urges gone and I think that shit again wenever I see red
     
  14. Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hey man. Ugh, I know what you mean about twitter. There was a good month where every relapse would start with me hitting up a pornstar's twitter page. The fact that I was whacking off to twitter made the whole relapse thing feel that much more pathetic lol. Had to eventually face that my addict brain could not handle the temptation, especially since I had built the twitter-pmo habit, and decided to block it till I feel I've rewired. which sucks, since it obviously has its uses.

    Anyway, hang in there dude, hope you're able to recenter yourself soon. Sounds like you just need to stay away from screens for a while, get back in touch with meditation, nature etc
     
  15. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hey guys, I know it's been a while since my last update. The reason for this is that I am living life to the full! Absolutely living, breathing, smelling and feeling each and every single moment, good or bad, always finding happiness in the now. Right here where we are.

    Selena came round a few days ago. We spoke about things and I told her how I felt about her. I said I wanted to be with her. She said she was confused and needed time to think. I honoured her decision and thanked her for giving me hope. She needed to get to know me, she said, on a more fundamental level as we never really did that when we were seeing each other. I respected that, she had a good point.

    She came round again the other day and I cooked her dinner. She said she had been thinking more about this and it was too hard to try to resist kissing me as she always wants to kiss me and touch me whenever we're together and it wasn't fair on me either. She'd decided that we should try and give it a real go. I'm going to move to Berlin next year and she has said she'll move there once I'm settled maybe but we won't live together (at least initially, I mean, shit, it's very early days!!) She's always wanted to move abroad and work is getting sparse because they've cut cover hours at our gym and she feels she'd be better off elsewhere, so she thought why not Berlin? It's an awesome city with a lot of opportunities going. Just needs to learn ze Deutsch (as do I). I know her well and she wouldn't just move to a new place because of one person. She would've moved away somewhere else anyway. So we get a chance to give it a real go in Berlin and see what comes of it. Not to mention this summer we're going to go to Berlin to check it out and do some reconnaissance, as well as many walking trips planned! :)

    I O'd with Selena (from her hand!) - that has never happened to me before. I have never O'd from another person's hand because of my terrible DE. We didn't have sex because it would be nice to take it slow unlikes last time. I need to get to a stage where I don't O like fugu is trying to do now, but obviously we were just so happy and I didn't give a fuck. It was nice anyway, especially as that was the first time she had ever made me cum without me intervening so to speak.

    So I've got a girlfriend, I'm doing a personal trainer course (which is quite a lot of work!), I'm writing two articles for a mindfulness meditation blog (which I'm getting paid for!), I'm graduating next month, I'm doing a TEFL (Teach English as a Foreign Language) course also next month to earn a bit extra in Berlin while I try and become a jazz singer, and I'm socialising a LOT!, I've got some gigs lined up with my band... AND I'm meditating again. My spiritual friend Raj (who came on the retreat) helped me get back into the swing of things. My life is so on track I don't even have time to think about stupid PMO.

    Peace out guys.

    J
     
  16. Sound fx

    Sound fx How bad do you want it? GO GET IT THEN.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Jeff you are such an inspiration man.

    I admire the life you seem to be living bro, and it seems like the ultimate example of someone who is successfully moving on from this addiction.

    Was wondering what would you account as your main resources of your success? Not only as far as the porn addiction, but your mentality for living life in the moment, happiness, confidence & productivity?
     
  17. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    @Sound fx thanks for the kind words brother! Here are some things that always work for me:

    - Ruthless compassion, loving determination and peaceful persistence.

    - Taking each situation as an opportunity for spiritual growth, good or bad.

    - Let go! Your lasting happiness is only to be found within you, nowhere else (easier said than done, which leads me on to my next points…)

    - Always being mindful, and when not being mindful, eventually becoming aware that you haven't been mindful and therefore being mindful.

    - Meditate

    - Smile! Isn't it amazing that we're alive and that we have no fucking idea what we are or how we got here?! How beautiful is that! :)
     
  18. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hell yeah!

    Super happy for you =)
    I really hope things work out with you and Selena.
    Her moving abroad with you is no small thing.
     
  19. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Loved reading that post. You have a lot of great things happening its hard to congratulate you on anything specific so ill just say that it sounds like you are really making the most of every situation while being honest, open and composed. It would be a nice story if you guys get together in Berlin and everything works out.
     
  20. Re: ElJefe's journal

    Just read your summary post - that's an amazing recovery story. You're an inspiration man.

    Also, the podcast is great.
     

Share This Page