The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. Back after long hiatus!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Szabo, Sep 22, 2013.

  1. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Not a relapse. Spontaneous combustion seems more fit ;D
     
  2. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    LOL glad you're saying that Apeman. So bizarre, the different things that can happen to you at different stages in the reboot. One day all this stuff will be documented and everyone will know about these various things that can happen. Until then we'll just have to play it by ear.
     
  3. fugu

    fugu "You know, feelin' good, livin' betta." :) Staff Member

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Oh wow! That's really encouraging that you can have that response from your body to arousal! I would take that as a really really good sign.
     
  4. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    The Long Awaited Recap

    So I've gone back over my journal from Day 1 and have compiled the main points of my reboot for new and old readers alike. How I discovered I had a porn addiction, I believe, isn’t something I’ve talked about much in my journal so I’ll start with that. It’s also something fugu, Apeman and I talked about when we did our show (shortly to be uploaded to YouTube) about the realising of having a porn addiction.

    How I realised I had a porn addiction

    I realised I had a porn addiction back in August 2013. My life was a suicidal mess, and I had reached a bipolar intersection. Either I was to kill myself and end it once and for all, or I was to build my life back up again from scratch. I had been interested in Buddhism for a long period prior to trying meditation but this extreme junction in my life meant I finally had to try it; there was no longer time to procrastinate. I sat down and tried to just sit and be with my breath. Immediately, so much anxiety and depression became apparent. It was overwhelming and I quickly found myself in floods of tears. With this, came the almost immediate realisation that porn had become a serious problem for me. I had known for a while before that it can’t have been healthy to view as much porn as I did, but I was in denial about being addicted. I quickly typed in porn addiction into Google and YBOP immediately came up as the first hit. Everything changed from there.

    The Journal (main points)

    • I tried to stop watching porn for about a month before starting my journal. It was a month filled with both full relapses and MO relapses. I wrote my first post in September 2013. I was totally suicidal.

    • I saw my therapist and told her about the addiction. She said she had heard about it but didn’t know much about it. However, she could treat me for addictive behaviour. It transpired after that session, that the depression and anxiety I was experiencing had been an on-going thing since I was sent to boarding school at the age of 8. So now I knew the cause of my PMO addiction (or so I thought) - Depression and anxiety.

    • I continued in a suicidal mess seeing a doctor to get anti-depressants and relapsing the next day. I was more positive about this relapse and was kind to myself about it.

    • 24th October I begin to become close with a girl on my course who had a boyfriend who lived in another city, Emily. She was so supportive. I write a post realising that despite all my numbness I feel human again, something which I had rarely felt before. Page 2

    • No sleep and nightmares followed regularly. I was totally fucked up and going through serious withdrawal.

    • 2nd November – relapse. It seemed near impossible for me twice to get any longer than a two week streak. I had my final therapy session of six a couple of days after. I was apprehensive but felt I had all the tools I needed to succeed in my reboot. I also found out my depression and anxiety was a result of maladaptive perfectionism (extreme pressure that one puts on themselves for success, look it up).

    • 3rd November wrote a couple of poems. Check them out on – page 3.

    • Throughout the whole period up until now I felt totally flat-lined. Yet one day Emily and I were spooning and I felt a glimmer of libido.

    • 03 Dec 30 days of no P (they were peeks) and 44 days no MO. Still in a seemingly unending flatline.

    • 21 Dec everything got too much. I had to get out. I booked a weekend at the local Buddhist retreat. I returned feeling like there was purpose to my life. More on this on page 7.

    • 24 Dec still in a flatline

    • 02 Jan, I wrote a letter to PMO about how much I hate the cravings and won’t let them break me. Could provide good motivation if you ever feel strong urges coming. (page 8)

    • 09 Jan, met Selena, my future girlfriend. Amazing connection. Next day, MORNING WOOD! Finally out of the flatline!

    • 15th Jan first ‘date’ with Selena. Roaring libido. Feels so good. Roughly 90-100 days into no PMO no MO now.

    • Within a week we were seeing each other and rewiring. Rewiring started happening fast, but it was impossible not to manually go to O with her. Sex was good with Selena and erections became consistently strong.

    - 5 March we broke up as I was stressed and busy with studying. I regretted it and over the 5 week Easter break I fell into MO relapseville with two relapses to things that were effectively internet porn but not. One was to webcam sex with a girl, the other was to a music video.

    Since then I have been focusing on getting myself back on track with no PMO and have been seen a girl, Kirsty, a couple of times, nothing serious. Erections are okay, but I feel flatlined. I haven’t O’d with her. I’ve had a wet dream this month and today had a weird thing where I tested myself to touch, started fantasising and randomly spontaneously combusted (LOL). Still going strong. Need to meditate more as my 30 minutes a day has slipped to 15 minutes if that. Going for 90 days again (and beyond).

    Tips

    Meditation, meditation, meditation.

    - Find some spirituality, not religion (necessarily, unless you are religious). Try and reacquaint yourself with the subtle beauties of life. Meditation has helped my inexorably to disconnect myself from my ego and begin to understand the bigger picture. Don’t accept dogmas and challenge everything. Develop your own life philosophy. PMO addiction recovery goes FAR deeper than just getting your erections back. You need to fix your life. Taking a holistic approach has made me so much more honest with myself as a person in other areas outside PMO.

    - Tell someone! It's really not as scary as you think! You don't have to go into detail, just tell someone close to you about the science behind pornography addiction e.g. what it does to the the reward circuitry etc. You'll be surprised how non-judgmental people are. I've told many people including my parents. They have been nothing but supportive.

    - Eventually, once the worst of the depression subsides, try to build up some hobbies. I was always into weightlifting and music, but quitting PMO encouraged me to get more into writing, reading and meditation too. Fill your life with things you like. Always be kind to yourself and be your own best friend. Forgive yourself when you relapse and just get straight back up, but having said that don’t set yourself up for failure. Find a balance.

    Side note

    I have had to seriously condense all the stuff in this journal down to a view small points to keep it short. But if you go through you will see that this journal is of a highly personal nature and I talk about many things other than my experience with PMO. For a fuller picture, I would recommend reading some of the pages I have highlighted in my bullet points. If I find any other gems I will update this post, so stay tuned to this post as a point of reference. Peace to all.

    It's only been 8 months, and what a roller-coaster ride it has been. Even if I still have a way to go, I have seen progress, and there is no way I will ever quit being a fapstronaut.

    To hear fugu, Apeman and I talk about how we discovered our porn addictions, check out our podcast on https://soundcloud.com/yourbrainrebalancedshow
     
  5. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    It's remarkable how much ground you've covered in a mere 8 months, Jeff. Thanks for putting these "cliff notes" together; you've given your readers an invaluable condensation of solid, practical wisdom. I especially like your tips! The value of mindfulness, a support network, and even a single, engaging hobby cannot be overstated.
     
  6. Re: ElJefe's journal

    Coming by fantasizing huh? No comment bro:DD

    Solid recap, though I feel like these are only the very main points, and it doesn't do your great rise justice. You are much more than this, so I'd recommend anyone to start from the 1st page. It could just be me, since I followed you from almost the beginning, and witnessed some tremendous emotional roller-coasters. Anyways, this TLDR is deff helpful for new readers.:)
     
  7. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Coming by fantasising? Would you label that as a relapse then? Lolol it was handsfree though :-/ kinda like a wet dream but while awake. Really weird.

    Obviously I just wanted to give the main points of the porn addiction side of my journal. The journal is of such a deeply personal nature that it's so hard to actually capture any of the essence of my emotional roller coasters in just a short recap. It's mainly for new readers who want to know wha'gwan. But yeah, if new readers want the FULL picture of my reboot, definitely better to read all of the journal (despite it's increasing length!)
     
  8. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    The YBR show

    fugu, Apeman and I have started an 8 part show in which we talk about our porn addictions (fugu's excellent idea). The first episode is now live and can be found here: https://soundcloud.com/yourbrainrebalancedshow.

    The topic of the first episode is about how we discovered we had a porn addiction and the initial stages of our reboots, including tips and insights.

    It's a fapstronautic radio show extravaganza!


    We'd be delighted for any feedback; if you like the content or if you think there's anything you think we should cover don't hesitate to give us your suggestions! Also, if you'd like to feature on the show, let us know!

    Peace out,

    Jefe
     
  9. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Can confirm. Jeff is delightful. ;D
     
  10. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    LOL it must be the accent ;D
     
  11. fugu

    fugu "You know, feelin' good, livin' betta." :) Staff Member

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    My girlfriend said she was "entranced" by the way you talk haha. She loves accents ;) 8)
     
  12. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    You guys should be really proud of what you put together it was a great casual conversation with no doom and gloom talk. Really liked it.
     
  13. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Thanks gameover mate!

    Degree done!

    It is done! The final assignment of my Music degree, a recital of Cuban and Latin jazz. We smashed it! Bring on the partying till the end of term! Woop!
     
  14. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Party hard, mate. You've earned it.
     
  15. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Congratulations to the thesis!!!

    And congratulations for making a great effort in putting together a podcast. It's kinda weird to hear you guys talk, finally putting voices to those avatars :)

    I look forward to more episodes. Keep em coming. I'll give you feedback when I finished listening to it (If I have any).
     
  16. Szabo

    Szabo Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    It's like I'm glued to my phone right now. I'm super tired as I've just been running off nervous energy these past few days. My dad came up to see my recital, Selena came and hung out with us too. The two of them really got on. It just made me miss her like fuck. My dad said she was a keeper and I should do whatever I can to get her back. Right now I'm verging on relapse. I just hope I find the strength to not look at my phone.
     
  17. fugu

    fugu "You know, feelin' good, livin' betta." :) Staff Member

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hang in there Jeff! We believe in you!
     
  18. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    If you can switch off the phone and leave it off for the remainder of the day. Otherwise stick to public places when using it and leave it off when you're at home. Hang in there!
     
  19. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    If you're able, leave your phone at home and get out. Nothing bad happens!
     
  20. Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hogy vehettuk volna eszre? Lehettel volna eredetileg baszki Equadori, en meg lakhattam volna Litvaniaban erted:DD Mennyi volt az eselye.

    PMOwise I think you just had a big high rush with the degree done (Congrats! :) ), then a big low with seeing Emily cool it with your dad, so its understandable it was all just overwhelming. Something you worked hard for years, and a woman who changed you sexually and emotionally. So all is good, bro! A week and strong Jeff is back! :) Holla!
     

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