The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. Back after long hiatus!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Original Jeff, Sep 22, 2013.

  1. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Wooop!! I'm home!! Back at university for my final term. God I am so happy to be back to my life again, rather than being stuck with my parents. This term is going to be the best because after this essay is in (deadline is Tuesday but I have an extension till next Monday), all I have work-wise is a recital to prepare for (Jazz voice, and I just gotta have loads of rehearsals with my band!) - hardly work! And after 27th May when my recital is I will have a month here just to enjoy myself with no worries or cares in the world!

    SO FUCKING HAPPY TO BE BACK HOME!

    I don't know what it is, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I don't really love my parents. Or maybe I mean I love them, but I don't really like them. Maybe that's not the same thing. I try to love all people equally but that is different from actually liking them. Is it selfish, then, that I rely on them quite a lot for financial support? It kinda makes me feel guilty, but I guess as parents that's kind of their duty, right? It's not like I hate them or anything, we just have very different ways of viewing life and do not see eye to eye on a number of issues. I do not feel a close bond with my parents like so many do, even though I am an only child. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on these issues 'cos I'm curious how other people are with their 'rents.

    @Jedi Don't worry, I'm sure I often sound preachy in my posts without meaning to. I knew what you meant anyway :)!
    My technique is a mixture of Early Warning System and constant self-forgiveness. I let myself off the hook for things I have done that I'm not pleased about, and get into a habit of doing that. Because my addiction stems from perfectionism, it's vital that I don't beat myself up about things and that I'm kind to myself. So that is what I do. I make it a point of priority to just love myself and not worry about things.
     
  2. bikeguy

    bikeguy Member

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Man, I have a similar feeling with my parents as I am a student and live with them all the time. I think most of the frustration just comes from not having your own space and being able to make your own choices when you live with them etc. You just have to remember that living with them is only temporary until you can move on and start your own life. You don't have to hate them though. Most people actually become closer to their parents once they move out and go on their own etc.
     
  3. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Right, so I know I haven't updated in a while.

    Had a sexual experience a few days ago with a friend. She's been attracted to me for a while but I've never been attracted much to her (lovely girl and great figure just not really my type). Erections were evident but weren't strong like they were with Selena. I don't know if this was because I'm not that sexually attracted to her or because I'm getting some repercussions from the few relapses I've had. Probably a bit of both. Either way I didn't want to have sex with her so it didn't matter that we didn't because I wasn't hard enough.

    Smoked weed last night with my spiritual buddy Raj. We meditated on it but it's hard to meditate on weed. I was able to but it was different and not as effective as when I'm sober. I felt depressed all day today. I must tell him it fucks with my medication.

    I feel like I'm in a flatline again. Libido is almost non-existent. Met a lovely girl today who I was really attracted to (half English half Thai, but grew up in Spain, how exotic is that!), and we talked and I knew she and her friends were interested in me because I heard them talking about me. It made me happy to hear this but I didn't really feel anything deep down. I feel kinda hollow inside like the ghost of a person again. I think this has been because I've been 12 days with not even a single peak at anything remotely sexual so I've been starving my brain of the dopamine. I'm going to meditate now to relieve some stress and then go to bed.

    Also, I was inspired by a post on fugu's journal that sums up his rebooting experience. I think one of these posts is really important when our journals start to get really long, so as not to turn off new people coming to our journals. I literally don't have the time to read fugu's whole journal but from this one summary post I feel I have a fairly good idea of his reboot. So anyway, expect one of these posts soon, probably tomorrow.

    Night gents
     
  4. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Dont buy into the myth every girl will turn you on and sex should be easy and issue free all the time even with new partners.
     
  5. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Thanks gameover. Very true words.

    Had sex two nights ago with a girl I kissed at the Buddhist centre, Kirsty. Think I mentioned her before. We had a nice evening, I cooked a meal and she stayed over. Sex was okay, wasn't really that horny. Felt kinda flatlined even during sex but sex was still possible. Erections were not nearly as strong as with Selena. I feel I am in a flatline again if I'm honest. Don't know if I'll be seeing Kirsty again as I felt kinda numb to whatever connection was between us. Anyway you guys know the deal. Baby steps and all that, I'm keeping positive :D!
     
  6. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Even before my ED, sexual experiences weren't so great the first few times with a new girl.

    It usually took me like 3-4 times having sex with them before it became pleasurable.
    I wouldn't feel horny, had some DE issues and all the sort, which did vanish rather quickly.
    Like within a handful of times being intimate.

    Getting familiar/comfortable with a new sexual partner is extremely important.

    You said yourself you are getting erections with them, that's a major improvement.

    I bet you if you spend a little more time with a girl and warm up to their sexuality it will all fit into permanent place.
     
  7. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Sounds pretty nice Jeff.
     
  8. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Even in an avalanche, every snowflake plays a role. It's good to see you taking these positive steps, even if they seem little to you, Jeff. Keep rockin', champ. 8)
     
  9. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Thanks guys! I'm getting there, that's for sure. When I said I wasn't sure I'll see Kirsty again I didn't mean to sound so negative. I probably will see her again at some point tbh :). We'll see how it all works out.

    Last night had an experience with another female friend. She's a lovely girl but is a virgin and says she couldn't ever have casual sex even though she really fancies me. We fooled around a bit (not a lot as she kept telling me to stop, despite the fact that her body language was telling me all systems are go!). You can imagine the sort of push pull thing we had going on, perhaps you remember this from when you were a teenager and ended up with a really frigid girl. I basically told her when she went home where I stand in a very nice way. That I can't commit to someone with whom I cannot tell if I have sexual chemistry etc. I was nice about it but firm. I think back to when I was in PMO hell and I could never have been that assertive and alpha.

    Met another girl the other day in the gym (omg does working in a gym bring rewards!). According to my colleague (who trained her for a bit), she's kind of mental. But I feel like I really wanna fuck this girl for some reason. Maybe it's because I know she's dangerous and probably crazy. LOL got her number anyway so we'll see what happens.

    All positive stuff anyway, keeping busy, barely even thought about porn/masturbation. :)
     
  10. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Sounds like your still rewiring and all that which is great.
     
  11. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    I sang tonight at a jazz night on campus. That potentially mental girl I talked about in my last post was there (who I actually texted today to ask her for a coffee), and she had a boyfriend. I immediately just thought 'ah well, plenty more fish in the sea' but then a funny thing happened while I was performing one song. The boyfriend came up to me and said my band was sick on his way back from the 'toilet' or so it seemed (dude probably went out to make it look like that and came back just at the right moment while I was singing). Then he fist-bumped me and then he proceeded to go back to his seat and passionately make out with his girlfriend as if to make a point. I pretended not to notice and looked behind me where my trumpeter was taking a solo. Initially I though that was kinda pathetic of him to do that but then I actually realised that this dude felt threatened by me! He actually felt threatened by my alphaness hehe :D I was up there rocking the stage and his gf clearly was interested, also not to be mean he wasn't the best looking guy in the world and was also much younger (just a fresher). In a way I feel kinda bad for him cos I'm not the kind of guy to take someone else's girl (I learnt my lesson from the whole episode with Emily, don't know if you remember her). But it also made me feel confident that I'm a talented, good-looking guy that other guys clearly view as desirable to women. I'm not going to let it inflate my ego but this could provide just the confidence boost I need.

    In other news I was watching TV and flicking through the channels just now and I clicked on babestation for literally 2 seconds before I clicked off. Because I feel the way to avoid relapse is to be ruthlessly strict with peeking, I have marked it as a peek. Any more time and it could have easily led to disaster. I even felt my brain change just from that 2 seconds, it's fucking crazy how wired we are to that sorta shit. Even though I know that's the case, it continues to surprise me when it happens!

    I'm still wanting to post a long update of my entire reboot process for new readers and old, but I'm quite busy at the moment so it'll have to wait. I'll get round to it when I can.

    Peace out.
     
  12. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Great job on making that beta cower ^.^
    Definitely sounds like he was intimidated.
     
  13. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Superpower Unlocked: You can now smell fear!
     
  14. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Had a wet dream three nights ago. It was over porn.

    The other night I met up with Selena and we went to the cinema. We went for a drink beforehand, and also afterwards, and while we were in the pub afterwards, I did something I never thought I would have the balls to do. I told her how I realised I felt about her, and suggested she move with me to Berlin next year. She was very compassionate with me with regard to this suggestion, but long story short, it turns out she had got over me. Let me clarify: it wasn't that I was so madly in love with Selena that I simply had to be with her, it was that I was absolutely confident that a relationship with her could be extremely fruitful for the both of us. Berlin, I told her, was a vibrant and extremely interesting city, with a lot of history and huge counterculture within which I think we would both find our place. But unfortunately, as it turned out I had waited too long to tell her this, and she had stopped thinking about me in such a way. Love is bittersweet, they say, and I now know what they mean.

    I have spent the last couple of days in a pretty sorry state of affairs. Where I have tried to pick myself up and live my everyday life to the full, I have often (but not always) been finding myself overwhelmed with a deep sense of sorrow. This is not only because of Selena, it would seem, but because I have been reading a book by Stephen Batchelor (a former Buddhist monk who was ordained in Tibet and later went to South Korea to train in Korean Zen before disrobing) called 'Confession of a Buddhist Atheist'. I am now going through a bit of a philosophical crisis where I read how Batchelor questions many of the fundamental claims of Buddhism about death and rebirth, karma, etc. Personally, I don't believe his rejection of these ideas is entirely founded on wisdom, despite his great knowledge of Buddhist texts. Rather, I feel he has over-intellectualised many of the core teachings and has thus become slightly too caught up in minutiae, forgetting the fundamental point of letting go in order to forget one's ego and therefore one's delusion, and this being a path to lessening of even destroying one's suffering. However, having said this it has led me to question deeply my beliefs which I feel at the moment is really not something I need given that I have my final recital next week, and am stressed with arranging things for my band, and also have Selena at the back of my mind.

    Kirsty, the girl I slept with the other week doesn't seem to be answering my texts. To be honest, I can't blame her, I feel I am simply using her selfishly for my own rewiring. I have little to no interest in pursuing a relationship with her, but the fact she is not replying along with all the other things I have mentioned is effecting my self-esteem.

    I've had intense cravings for porn today. I peeked at a friend's pictures on facebook who always posts scantily clad pictures of her workout progress. I'm marking this as a peek. I know where this behaviour always leads me in the end… Omg even as I'm writing this I typed in 'peek' into google images and turned safesearch off and a picture of a scantily clad woman came up which I then peeked at. I need to stop this.

    Peace out.
     
  15. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    How long has it been since you and Selena called it quits? There's a body of evidence suggesting we can experience withdrawal symptoms comparable to drug withdrawal at the end of a relationship. It sucks, but it's another way that we can get stronger.

    It would appear your meditative habits have endowed you with a heightened self-awareness. You recognize that your "peeks" are not innocuous, isolated acts, but part of a larger whole: the addictive craving for stimulation. You've demonstrated incredible strength facing your craving in the past. I'm pulling for you to continue to set a fine example for your fellow Fapstronauts.

    Peace!
     
  16. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    It's been quite a while, I think it was in early March. I'd say that's probably true, but if I adopt this point of view I will never have a fulfilling relationship as my problem has always been that I've not been honest with myself about my feelings for girls and thus haven't acted on them in the appropriate way. I need to learn from this and act when the situation deems it appropriate so it happens organically as opposed to forcing something. I'm just awful at being honest about how I feel for fear of being hurt. This was a step in the right direction for me in that I realised that the world does not end when you get hurt and so I have no need to fear it.

    My meditation actually hasn't been going too well recently either, I forgot to mention that. My half an hour a day is down to 15 minutes if that but I hope you're right that what I have been doing has been aiding me in being more self-aware and mindful. I take my peeks very seriously indeed, as from experience one peek leads to more peeks which leads to MO which leads to full relapse. Essentially they just break down the resolve and lead to you making more excuses for yourself.
    Thanks as always for your continuing support, mate. Looking forward to our podcast!
     
  17. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Bumped into Kirsty on my way home from a talk on Buddhism last night. She was pissed as an ant and had fallen over in a tree lol. I invited her back for a cup of tea and to sober up and once she was more sober we ended up having sex. I felt kinda bad 'cos I felt I was taking advantage a bit but she insisted I wasn't and that she wanted to.

    Anyway erections were okay, up and down as usual but I didn't really enjoy the sex that much because I didn't feel particularly horny. I'm still in a flatline since my relapses over Easter. Meh.
     
  18. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hey Jeffo,

    Sorry for not checking in on your journal so much. I do read it but I just haven't posted any replies.

    You did good taking care of her :) Don't worry about using her for sex, as long as your not lying about liking her a lot or something like that. Oh, and congrats on the sex too.

    I like what you mentioned earlier about reading that book. I think it's good that you are not so afraid of things that question your belief so much that you avoid it. It shows that you have faith in what you believe and are prepared to question it. The good thing about questioning ones own thoughts and beliefs is that a) you'll realize that what you believed was wrong or b) you'll come out with a stronger conviction in what you believed earlier and with answers to any doubts you had earlier. I also believe that no belief is 100% correct. I don't expect myself to agree fully with anything anyone says (unless it's obviously true). The importance is that we get the meaning and that we take that and make something out of it that carries us through the moment.

    I'm glad to see your progress mate. Looking at the problems you are having today, they are soooo much better than the ones you had when you started the journal. I wouldn't even call it problems, they're more like challenges to overcome :D

    I'm always inspired when I read this journal. When I reply to you it's like I'm talking to myself at the same time and I get really motivated. Keep being inspiring, mate!
     
  19. Re: ElJefe's journal

    Just reading these last posts gave me the chills. I still remember the things you wrote in the beginning of you journal, and it feels like you have improved light years. Women, passions, projects, etc. Great insight on the over-intellectualising Buddhism btw.

    What a strong person you became mate! I'm awaiting the Recap post! 8)
     
  20. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Chers Jedi and TCB. You're both right that my problems today are infinitely less bad than when I first started my reboot. I guess this is testament to how far I've come.

    Something really weird just happened. So today I was at the local shop and there was this girl in front of me in the queue who had the biggest ass with a tiny waste, and she was wearing see-through tights where I could see her thong. I thought, 'that's nice' but didn't really dwell on it. Anyway, much later, because I still feel kinda flatlined, I thought I'd see how responsive I was to my own touch, but not go all the way. I literally just wanted to test erection quality. Anyway I started fantasising about this girl and so I stopped touching myself. But before I knew it for about two to three minutes, I was just laying there getting harder and harder without touching myself in the slightest, and I actually came in my pants! LOL WTF! This has literally never happened to me before. I don't know whether to count this as a relapse or what, because it wasn't really lol - It was totally hands free! I woke up this morning just before I was about to have a wet dream so maybe it was just my body's way of getting rid of excess semen. Fuck knows, weird though. What do you guys reckon? Should I mark it as a relapse?
     

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