The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. Back after long hiatus!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Original Jeff, Sep 22, 2013.

  1. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    I think that once you can manage to have sex with an erection you are going into uncharted territory. The next stage is where the recovery is more varying for each of us and where it gets interesting. In the start it's basically the same for the majority; abstain from porn, preferably don't masturbate, and at some point you should be able to have sex. But afterwards, it's about fixing PE, DE, better erections, getting rid of performance anxiety, building confidence, everyone has different goals after we fix priority numero uno, which is our limp dicks.

    Where you are right now there is no correct path to improvement. That's why it's more important with a trial and error approach. What is your goal now though? Getting harder erections? increasing sensitivity? fix DE? there is an interesting thread about fixing DE with a fleshlight, dunno if you might be interested in it. here's the link: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=18121.75
     
  2. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Thanks bud for this. I'll check it out!

    I just MO'd. I dunno what's wrong with me. I dunno if it's ED but I barely get hard when I want to masturbate. It's like I've rewired myself so I'm solely responsive to a woman's touch. It's so weird. I don't think masturbation is good for me anyhow, so I'm going to abstain from it for 30 days to start with. And I've also started occasionally peeking too so I'm going to have a counter for that too.

    It really sucks being back with my parents. I love being at uni because I have loads of girlfriends who I cuddle with regularly. But here I have absolutely nothing. Zero. Zilch. If there's anywhere where I'm in danger of a full relapse it's here, because I'm a) bored b) have no social life here because I'm not in touch with any of my old school friends.

    Fucking sucks. I need to stop going on shit like Omegle even though it's monitored. I just feel really in need of human contact. I guess I'm feeling withdrawal from having so many people/girls around to suddenly just having my parents. Sucks ass.

    I really want to see how my erections are with women after all this masturbation I've been doing recently - see if the masturbation hasn't hindered my progress. I think it has. I'm pretty sure it has. I have a feeling my ED might be back.

    Shit.

    Counter time.
     
  3. Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hey mate,

    I don't know how long will you be staying at your parents, but why don't you use that time to get deeper with meditation and reflection? Writing for that magazine? Playing your music and singing? Writinf poetry? Or going to those retreats you love? I mean you've showed me many passions you channeled your energies in. I'm just so sure you'll do well.

    And I don't know about you, but after a lot of social things, I find some solitude refreshing. Though not for too long.


    Can't wait to arrive to this destination. :D
     
  4. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    @TCB that's kinda what I've started doing, man. I guess it's just weird making the transition from having so many people around to having nobody. I've adjusted now, it would seem and things are fine. Met up with my friend the other day from uni, we went to see a film. She's nice but I don't like her like that - not my type. Just split up with her boyfriend and clearly fancies me but far too needy and crazy for me. Also not my cup of tea looks-wise.

    Just saw a programme about porn on channel 4 (British TV). It was really one-sided, didn't even mention porn addiction for a second.
    Anyway, it spoke about this music video that Skepta did which basically had a lot of explicit material in it. They were talking about how terrible it is if kids saw this video, and how it pollutes their mind. Considering I'm no longer addicted to pornography I decided to see what all the fuss is about. Granted, it does have some explicit scene, but nothing compared to some of the shit I used to watch and get off to. Also, it was interesting to observe my brain while watching the music video to see what was happening. Naturally, dopamine did start flowing but I did not get in ANYWAY horny in terms of my erections. Not one single bit. I didn't have the urge to touch myself. I literally saw it as just two bodies having sex without any reaction at all. For me now, seeing something on a screen is literally just that - seeing something on a screen. I need real intimacy to get me off now - seeing a couple of people fucking on a screen is just laughable. NOT how real sex is at all and doesn't beat it even for a second.

    Now, I'm not gonna go looking for porn videos or anything like that, they do not interest me lol. But I just wanted to report on how much your brain changes when you rewire. You seek intimacy not porn, and since porn has absolutely zero intimacy, it just seems ludicrous.

    I'd say it's still dangerous territory to look at any porn at all even when you are rebooted, but it can provide and interesting insight into where you once were and where you are now.

    Arousal to porn: 4

    Arousal to real women: 10
     
  5. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Okay so a little time after watching that music video I have some more things to report:

    -After watching I felt as though I could control any urge to not masturbate very easily.
    - I went to have a bath and felt a brain fog coming over me. I thought of real women and they did not seem as appealing to me as pornography.
    - I felt that perhaps if I was with a real woman I wouldn't be able to get as good an erection.

    Moral of the story: Don't watch anything that you would have once found triggering once rebooted. It's not that you won't be able to control not masturbating to it, it's just that it will still do damage to your brain even if the damage is much more temporary than when you were still addicted.

    I'm hopefully seeing a girl tomorrow (I don't know if I mentioned her before - she's the one I kissed at the Buddhist centre). Before watching that video, I was more excited to see her than I am now, because now I feel kinda dirty even though it was only a 3 min video and I've pretty much forgotten most of the details of it.

    Gonna meditate, eat, and study now. Will update you later on.

    NB: Obviously I knew viewing anything pornographic was still out of the question, but I often have to just test these things out to know for myself, and know what I can handle.
     
  6. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    I read your first post of today and was going to warn about watching risky videos even when you feel rebooted but I see you have already reflected on it in your last post. To be able to say something and then contradict it upon further thought shows that you do not cling to your opinions once you're proven wrong, and I think that's a great thing to do. It's something I take pride in about myself. It's funny though when you talk to friends and all of a sudden change opinions, and they kinda get mad because and say stuff like "but just the other week you said the total opposite" and you're like "yeah, but I realised it was wrong so now I changed my opinion." and they feel it's unfair because somehow they think that they can't change their own opinion just like that.

    lol I see how this seems confusing, but you being you, you probably know what I'm talking about. Anyways, I'm happy to see you progressing safely without MOing. Have you felt urges to MO without any visual stimuli?
     
  7. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    @Jedi yeah man, it's important to be flexible in one's views and opinions. Naturally, one needs opinions but it's pointless to cling to our views as they will all disappear like smoke along with our bodies when we die. Yes, I have had urges to MO without visual stimuli, but nothing I can't handle. I started M'ing the other night after I got a huge boner in bed and realised I was rubbing myself against the sheets in my sleep lol. I tried to M but the feeling of it just didn't compare to a woman's warm touch and soft skin, so I just stopped straight away. Masturbation is fucking boring.

    I haven't really noticed any particularly harsh side-effects of watching that video, but there were side-effects. I felt slightly less confident to talk to a girl in the gym today whom I fancied. There turned out there was no opportunity to talk to her anyway, but for the first time in a long time, I felt shy to speak to her. This is what porn does, gents, it emasculates us and strips us of our social confidence. Still, it was nothing compared to how I used to be when I use to PMO all the time, and I got over my shyness quickly by a bit of positive reinforcement.

    I just wanted to test out what would happen, and so I did. I can report that there are side-effects but nothing to drastic. Not going to be doing that again though. Installing a counter now for looking at questionable material.
     
  8. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    When I was trying to get to sleep last night I had trouble with intrusive thoughts about the video I had seen. I found it relatively easy to resist the urge to masturbate, but it was impossible to stop the thoughts. I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle.

    When you're rebooted and you watch anything pornographic, this is what happens. You can resist, sure, but your brain will always be sensitised and it still wants to go back to old habits. Avoid anything pornographic as it will still affect the brain in negative ways. Oddly, when I watch a film and it has a scene of two people making love, I'm alright. It just makes me want intimacy. But porn. That's just fucked up.

    Being me, I guess I just wanted to test the water to see what would happen. I was bored and that's how it happened. Not a big deal, but I was surprised at how much damage it felt like I had done to my brain even after just a short clip like that. It should be fine, but I am never doing that again, that's for sure. It was unpleasant as fuck.
     
  9. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hey Jeff -

    I don't think I've commented on your journal before but say your posts on JediMindTrick's journal and came to check yours out.

    I can relate to lots of your experiences - I went about a year without porn a while back and was at the point around where you're at now. I ended up slipping back in to PMO after a period of increasingly strong thoughts of temptating to look at porn, and have struggled with relapsing since then. Anyway, for a long time before relapsing I was in a wonderful place where I had momentum, rarely if ever thought tempted to watch porn, felt confident and effortless in my recovery.

    I can relate to your experience seeing the video and feeling "emasculated" as you said. After relapsing or even viewing borderline material I'm often left feeling drained and less confident speaking to women and being sexual in general. It causes me to question the effectiveness of my reboot, weakening self esteem and causing a spiral of increasing amounts of thinking about porn, sometimes leading to full relapse. It can also be strongly motivating. A reminder of how much porn sucks. After this small exposure, use it as a reminder of how strong a grip porn can have, and as a reminder to stay strong and not go back to it.

    A word of caution also about labeling yourself as "no longer addicted." I used that phrase too way back when (I wasn't on YBR back then but on the pornfree subreddit which I've since not been very active on). In some ways it's helpful to think of yourself as not an addict anymore as it generates confidence and momentum in rebooting. On the other hand it can lead to overconfidence and the mindset of "well, I'm not addicted anymore, so what harm will it do to look at some borderline material?" That's the slippery slope leading back to full relapses. Even after hundreds of days porn-free you still have to recognize that the part of your brain that was addicted is still there - weakened and with a fading influence over your decisions, but still capable of controlling you if you feed it.

    It sounds like you've already reached these conclusions on your own. Hope it was helpful to get some of my perspective on my own experience.

    Congrats on the reboot - you've made big and lasting changes to your brain. Rock on! :)
     
  10. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    @BreakingtheHabit Firstly I really appreciate you taking the time to read my experiences and write on here man, thank you.

    I totally agree with everything you've said, and as you also say, I think the other day gave me a necessary reminder of the strength that porn could have over me if I feed it. And as a result, without having even having had to go back into relapsing to realise it (thank God), I've been able to find new momentum to not feed the porn monster under any circumstances. It's so great to hear it from someone like yourself, though, who has been completely porn-free for a long time. It just reaffirms what I already know, and I really needed to hear it from someone other than myself. So thank you.

    In other news I went out with my family and our family friends who have two kids, a boy and a girl, the boy a year older than me and the girl a couple of years younger. We had a lovely time, went to a pub, then went for a walk and then to a nice cafe. I chatted up the waitress there who was Spanish. Confidence was high but unfortunately my Spanish isn't so good anymore. She complimented me on it though haha. Anyway after a bit of banter about Salamanca (where I spent a month when I was 16 learning Spanish to get up to scratch for my A levels), turned out she had studied there too for 6 years. I asked her if she wanted to get a coffee and she said sure but she can't give me her number because she doesn't know her English number and isn't allowed to have her phone on her at work… I doubt she'll text me. I've read a lot about game theory and the chances are very slim. I should have bloody switched to English and established more rapport with her that way, because I can't think of witty things to say in Spanish at all haha. Anyway never mind, what happens happens. Confidence is still high, and I know where I went wrong if she doesn't text.

    My kind deed of the day: found an iPad belonging to a kid in the road. Texted the mother and the father (who were in Contacts) saying where I was and that they could come and collect it any time. Haven't had a response from them (I'm guessing they might be filthy rich and not caring if they can afford an iPad for a small child), but hopefully they'll come round and I can give it back to them. If they don't, then I get a free iPad! Either way it's win win! :)
     
  11. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Nice. Striking up conversations with new people including women you're attracted to helps a lot, it builds momentum every time. Even if it doesn't go anywhere it's awesome to come away from a situation thinking, "Damn, that took balls, I have no regrets about giving it a shot." Generally very energizing.
     
  12. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    @BreaktheHabit exactly. I've always found it easy to talk to girls when I have my libido and don't PMO. I'm not afraid to be sexual and am a very confident person in general which definitely comes across. I'm also a good looking guy and take good care of my body so that is an added bonus for girls I guess, but not the main reason why they would be attracted to me. It's just a case of establishing enough rapport and banter to make them want to meet you again, and hinting all the while subtly that you don't mean to just be friends. Basically just generally being a big of a badass.

    Where I went wrong with the Spanish girl was that I didn't have time (because my family were waiting for me outside) to establish enough rapport with her for the whole thing to run sup smoothly. I need to work on my quick number closes when I'm short on time, because usually I have to spend at least 10 minutes talking to a girl before I can get their number. This encounter lasted no more than 3 minutes, so it makes perfect sense.

    Ultimately, though, meh. I like having at least 10 minutes to talk to a girl - I like the feeling of charming them just by being myself. When girls are attracted to me I always try to remember how far I've come in such a short space of time: six months ago I would never have taken the risks I'm taking now.

    Here's to the future. Damn it, I'd really like some fucking sex though haha!
     
  13. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    So I was on Omegle earlier, it's moderated so I thought I was okay. I was chatting to this cute girl, and we had a laugh etc and she randomly takes off her top without any prompting and starts being all sexy. Then she got naked and told me to show her my cock and I was like shiiiiiit! But she was cute and we talked so it felt more like in person... It didn't feel like PMO at all because there was a human attraction there… But fuck! I shouldn't have done that.

    Anyway afterwards we talked a lot more over omegle and she told me about herself and depression etc and it all started to feel a bit sordid. Oh dear. Well, I feel like I gave her some really good advice and food for thought, so even though this may have set me back, our encounter would have definitely set her forward in life. So I'm a bit irritated but thankful. It wasn't on purpose anyway it just happened.

    I will not go on Omegle again though, if there are chicks there who do that sort of thing. I've never experienced it before though.

    I need to find another girlfriend, fast. I miss having sex and intimacy.
     
  14. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Chatted to a cute girl at the gym who works as a lifeguard (different gym, home gym, not uni gym). We chatted last time I was there and she definitely gave me signs that she was flirting with me but I made a lot of rookie errors in my game. 1) I go to the gym with my mum. I feel it helps to motivate her to exercise so we drive there together and then do our own thing. Not attractive to women who don't understand though. 2) I saw her again today and kind of felt like I was stalking her a bit (even though I didn't mean to). She walked out of the sauna in mid-conversation 'cos she was too hot and I instinctively just went after her. Also, there was this other lifeguard guy who works there who she kept going over to and talking to, I think he might be her boyfriend but I didn't go and join in because I don't know him.

    If I was on 4 week no MO streak and I hadn't wasted my valuable sex energy on some girl who I'll never meet, I would probably have just ignored her after I realised she was playing games and not appeared so needy. The truth is I just feel lonely here and have no one to have a laugh with, and she seemed like a nice girl who I felt was funny. Literally as simple as that. Just lonely right now that's all. Also why I went on Omegle earlier - I wasn't looking for sex, just someone to chat to. Sadly it led to wasting my precious seed.

    As you can probably tell I'm feeling a bit down right now. I guess the loneliness wouldn't be so bad or would be non-existant if I was actually getting on with this assignment like I should be. I wasted a day today when I should have been working. I now have less than a week till the deadline and should be doing solid 8 hour days. I just can't seem to get motivated right now.

    Fuck this, I'm going to meditate.
     
  15. Spangler

    Spangler Member

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Words of wisdom:
     
  16. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    I need to get out of here. I need to take on new challenges and achieve new things. Being with my parents just frustrates me in other ways to how university life frustrates me.

    I am in a dip, gentlemen. A motivation dip, a blip in my mood - wasting my energy in meaningless pursuits. Wasting my days away on Facebook, actively going about doing nothing. I feel depressed, lonely, and de-energised. Still, I must remember how I was and how I am now. My first blip for a long time but only because my life has gone out of balance a bit, that's all. I will get that drive back. I will get that motivation back to succeed. Right now I feel angry at the world. Frustrated and powerfully opposed to status quo. I'm becoming to caught up in my own ego and forgetting the importance of others' happiness, but it doesn't seem to matter to me right now. I want sex. I want to go and fuck someone and relieve some of this tension. Or do SOMETHING, anything. I'll punch a fucking wall if I have to. Fuck being here with my parents. I have no siblings, no friends, and I just live like a loser. I can't chat up girls because I'm with my mum and I just look like a guy who doesn't achieve or strive for greatness. You all know as well as I do that I'm a warrior. I will break through this.
     
  17. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hey Jefe,

    I'm sad to hear you're going through a rough time. Beware of negative thinking, it only gets you stuck mentally and it's hard to break out from.

    Can we just suppose that what follows is true?
    1. It's not because of your mum that you can't chat up girls.
    2. Having sex will not relieve the tension long-term and won't get rid of your frustration and anger
    3. Being at your parents' place doesn't mean you're living like a loser. "Live like a loser?" What does that even mean: Loser?

    So what seems to be the problem? I might be wrong, but I think that maybe you make up these three excuses about your parents and your mum and wanting to have sex as the things that cause all your problems. The Buddhist Jeff doesn't go crazy if he doesn't have a girl that loves him and wants to have sex with him all the time. Buddhist Jeff doesn't crave intimacy like it's the elixir of life. Buddhist Jeff doesn't say fuck all the time and wants to punch walls ;D. Buddhist Warrior Jeff can be happy with someone and without someone.

    Get Buddhist Jeff out again. And before you think about the importance of other's happiness, focus on your own. Like you said to me, there's no one in the world more deserving of your love than yourself.

    Catch yourself when you start having angry thoughts and try to be mindful of them when they arise. See them for what they are instead of identifying yourself with them. Be compassionate to yourself.

    Your days feel cloudy right now, but remember that there is still blue sky on the other side :) I like this analogy from Headspace. I hope you get out of this mental rut soon, mate.
     
  18. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    @Jedi thanks man. I needed that wakeup call. I know what you say, but you know how it is, sometimes a man feels he needs to vent, and here seems a good place.

    With the girls thing, I'm right about one thing: girls don't find it attractive if you don't appear to be self-sufficient. On the other hand I shouldn't give a shit about this. As you say, I don't just do what I think will get me laid. I don't need anyone else to be happy apart from myself.

    Buddhist Jeff is a good Jeff, but I think he was becoming a little attached to his beliefs and his philosophy. Time to reassess the balance of my spirituality and my everyday life and just make sure I'm not preaching to people which is never my intention. Rock on spiritual Jeff 2.0.

    I diced with death after I wrote that last message. I decided to get out of the house and cycle to the nearest village. While on a roundabout (you Americans will have no idea what that is), I got hit by a car. Luckily, it wasn't going very fast, but the impact was enough to knock me right off my bike and I got some pretty nasty scrapes on my knee, elbow and some puncture cuts on my hand from the tarmac. My shoulder that was getting better now hurts again when I move it. Damn it. Still, I realised that this should be an opportunity for me to meditate on death. It is important to meditate on death because it reminds us that we could die at any given moment, we never really know when, and it's wise to bare this in mind as we live our lives so we don't end up wasting our precious time engaging in meaningless pursuits or our delusions. It's like a 'time is of the essence' kind of meditation that reminds us to just be peaceful and happy in the moment because let's face it, it could end at any time!
     
  19. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Fuck. This is probably the most embarrassing thing I'll ever post on this journal. I was reading an article on a website about a woman being arrested for having sex with and decapitating animals in the process. WTF?! That is so fucked up. I felt a rush though, of dopamine.

    I have no idea what is happening to me with my reboot anymore. I've got further than most but I still seem to be able to revert back to a sexual deviant even without any inherently triggering material.

    I need to keep my guard up. I need to keep my guard high. From now on, any even potentially triggering material I view will be turned off immediately. This is the technique I used to achieve 133 days no P or MO, so it's tried and tested. Just look away or click off it. It's as simple as that but it requires practice for it to become habit.
     
  20. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hey man,

    I hope you're getting better. You're right about thinking of death, it helps us put things in perspective, something we sorely need when we get so caught up in our own troubles. No one who I've been close to has ever died and I sometimes think how I will deal with my first close-relationship-death. Before that actually happens, thinking about it helps me put it in perspective and it helps me value people while they're still alive. It should not be overdone though, lest we become emos ;D

    By the way, I re-read my last post to you and I do not like my tone. I was way too preachy and this-is-what-you-should-do. It was not at all how I meant it. It came out kind of wrong. Sorry for that!

    Keep that guard up. What kind of technique is it that you use? any special procedure or EWS (Early Warning System ;D)?
     

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