The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. Back after long hiatus!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Original Jeff, Sep 22, 2013.

  1. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Word! All the more reason to spread positive messages to people and try to change it.

    It's going to be hard to stay off MOing now that you got used to having someone to O with. Have you decided whether you're going no MO or if you're gonna MO every once in a while? I think we all benefit from drawing the line somewhere so that we don't feel bad when we shouldn't just because we haven't set up boundaries. I think the best thing is to tr and go without any O for a while now to see how you readjust from Oing frequently. Then go from there, but try to make the decision when you're not in the middle of having cravings.

    Also, I can definitely recommend Recovery Nations workshop. Don't know if you've tried it or not, but the information that's on there is really good. Here's the workshop orientation page.

    It sounds like you really need the break after all the stressing and writing. Enjoy your retreat and come back a more calm you! We'll wait for you here ;)
     
  2. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Thanks Jedi. You're totally right. We need to spread the word of Dharma far and wide!

    Just got back from my retreat. It was amazing and eye-opening. I learnt a lot of amazing things about myself and feel like I advanced spiritually. The mind creates all. All negative feeling, positive, neutral is created from our karma which and appears to us as an apparition to our mind. We learn to control our mind, we learn to control all delusion, and we escape this endless cycle of suffering.

    Jedi you're right. I will try now to refrain from MO as well as PMO. I MO'd twice this evening, and I don't want it to become a habit of something that I think is perfectly fine as long as I don't watch porn. The trouble is that it's not real sex. It's not real human contact. All I am doing is wasting my precious sex energy. Therefore maybe I should have a counter for MO as well, but I will try to do 30 days to begin with. At the end of the day, after 133 days no MO, I could include some orgasm into my life. But I'd like to make it no more than once a month max. So I will have a counter. Maybe I'll have a monthly wank but only if I don't get any sex. Something like that. What do you guys think?

    Maybe better to try and refrain completely from orgasm?
     
  3. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    I'm not gonna lie I had another MO last night. I binged on MO.

    The first one was fine, and was a legitimate release of tension. The second was dangerously close to PMO. I was watching this TV programme called Black Mirror (every episode has different characters) in which, in short, this guy lives in the future in a kind of computer dictatorship where nothing is real and they have to get credits by cycling on these exercise bikes for ages. That is basically how they earn money, as there is not real money anymore. Throughout, this porn website keeps popping up and he has to watch a certain amount to risk losing all his credits as that is part of the deal. He meets this girl and hears her singing, and offers to give her 12 million credits to enter into this singing competition (like X factor). She enters but is told that she is too hot to be a singer (while the crowd of avatars, as no real people go anywhere anymore, they just stay in their rooms, laugh and ridicule her). It's really sad. The judges say that instead, she should be on their porn channel as she's so hot. So she agrees. It's so fucking sad honestly. So she does it and this guy is forced to watch her. Now, as she came up, all you could see was her face, nothing else. I got hard. And I jacked off. But nothing ever showed up. There was absolutely nothing X rated shown on the screen whatsoever, it was just the anticipation.

    I'm not sure whether to count this as a PMO or not. Later on I wanked again, I don't even know why. I think I will not count this as PMO but I will now include an MO counter because alarm bells are now ringing with regard to potential relapse. I will try another 90 days no MO.
     
  4. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    FFS sake I MO'd again. I was thinking about what that seen I saw yesterday might have been if it had been a porn scene. I really really really don't want to reset my PMO counter cos I'm on such a massive streak, and I feel like that might just set me back to square one. But serious, FUCK. I need to get out of this house. During that MO, I barely got hard, I just needed to get my dopamine back up to normal levels. I feel numb and all mneh now, about everything. Lying in bed all day is just gonna make things worse. I'm gonna have to find something to do. Just goes to show that you're never free completely and always have to be on your guard. Also, that that feeling to do it again is just a way of trying to feel normal again after an orgasm.

    Right, no orgasm for me until I have sex again. Fucking hell that was a wake-up call.
     
  5. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Mate don't panic. You've just realized that the addiction is a lot stronger than you formerly thought, and that's a good thing. Remember that the first two weeks after O are the most difficult (for me) so you really need to try to get through them without MOing. Also, I know I said it before but maybe you should start treating the addiction with Recovery Nations workshops, it gives you a good feeling of progression and makes you feel like you're actually working on becoming a better person.

    Be glad that you haven't relapsed to porn yet. It shows you have self-control. If you're not convinced that you shouldn't MO you are going to MO, that's just how it is. I think MO can be just as bad sometimes. It's about the fact that we use it as self-medication, as an escape, as a way of filling the emptiness that we sometimes feel. Remember, it's not the "what", it's the "why". It might not manifest itself as PIED, but it will definitely leave its mark on how we cope with rough times in our life. Tell yourself that MO is not an escape plan. It doesn't fulfill you mate, you get your fulfillment from things like relationships, showing compassion, helping people, progressing towards your ideals, etc, and you know it.

    You know what to do and I know you can do it, you've done it before. Let's do it together and get through another month without PMO/MO 8)
     
  6. Spangler

    Spangler Member

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Hey Jeff, sorry to see that you're going through a tough time. For my goals, I realized awhile ago that masturbation was almost as harmful as using P. It doesn't enhance my life in any way, and it reduces my progress away from PIED and resensitizing my penis. From what you said, that "The first one was fine, and was a legitimate release of tension," it seems that you're still using M to deal with stress and negative emotions. I challenge you to find new ways of confronting "tension," especially since you seem to have problems with DE and desensitization. Think of your sex energy as something sacred to be used only to create memorable experiences with partners or otherwise channeled into something productive.

    If you ever think that you "need" release, you're wrong. That's just a masturbation addiction talking. I recently went for more than 70 days without O, and I realized by the end that though I had felt the "need" for release many times, my body had adjusted to my mind's will. I no longer faced discomfort, blue balls, or feelings of being out of control, and I eventually came with my partner because I wanted to--not because I needed to. We need M about as much as we need P, which is to say not at all. You're in control, Jeff, and it's time to really decide if M is good or bad for you right now.
     
  7. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Thanks guys, you're both right.

    @Jedi I was panicking. MO'd again today but it's progress from yesterday because I didn't do it more than once.

    @Spangler your advice is completely what I needed to hear, thank bud. I've gone 133 days no MO during this same streak of 150 days no PMO, and I felt the same thing. It was actually Selena who convinced me some kind of MO was a good thing to relieve stress. Usually, or at least before I had all this crazy stress from deadlines, I would just meditate when I felt the urge. That really worked for me. I know how to do it as I've done it before, I just need to fully accept that for me, it is both porn and masturbation that is the problem, and that that will probably last for a very long time. It's also been tricky adjusting since Selena and I broke things off, as when I was with her I used to cum because I want to not because I had to. So yeah, in short, I know what I need to do. And it's time to start doing it! :) So right about sex energy being sacred. I'm going to meditate now on that. Thanks bro!
     
  8. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Wet dream last night! Had a dream that I was watching porn though… I now feel like my urges have all gone. Blessed :)
     
  9. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Masturbation is difficult to control man. If your going to do it, do it without visual or mental imagery.
     
  10. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    You're right gameover. MO'd again last night. I used my left hand so I could focus on the feeling more. It kind of worked but I didn't get fully hard and ended up thinking about Selena. The reason I MO's was because I'd smoked some weed. Weed makes me depressed, I've realised, and depression is one of my greatest triggers. I will have to avoid weed from now I think, I'm just incompatible with it.
     
  11. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    The mighty El Jefe has fallen.

    I was on twitter and a pornographic image popped up. Dopamine was buzzing. I began to flick through the other pictures on this person's twitter. Then suddenly I felt an overwhelming urge to touch myself. I still could have probably stopped it but I was just like 'fuck it'.

    It's fucked up because I barely even go on twitter, and didn't know there was porn to be found on there at all. I was very tempted to just not tell you guys this was a PMO and just count it as an MO, but since I like to be as honest as possible on here, I have reset both my counters. Best streak: 153 days no PMO.

    On a more positive note, I haven't yet told you guys about my meditation retreat. It was a really good time. It was on cherishing others. I really learnt a lot about myself and about my own delusions. I tend to get very carried away with uncontrolled desire. This is completely not related to porn, 'cos tbh I don't even think I'm addicted to porn anymore. Instead I think I suffer from uncontrolled desire when it comes to women. There was a girl there, Kat, quite cute, blonde. We were majorly flirting and turns out she's bi and is also polyamorous, like me! We also talked a lot about Buddhism and spirituality, and I really think I can help this girl. You guys know that I get off on helping people so this is kinda ideal. Woo! Anyway on the last night, after we were chatting, she went to bed. As she walked out into the courtyard I just thought 'fuck it' and ran up to her and kissed her as she was walking away. She looked so stunned it was so cute. But she looked happy. Been texting her recently and the conversations have been really flirting bordering on dirty. Sadly it's the Easter break at the moment, though, so I can't see her for another 4 weeks at least. Looking forward to hanging out with her and banging her when she gets back hehe! :p

    Also, Helen. She works with me in the gym. Really cute. I opened up to her about some stuff recently, (not porn though) and she in turn opened up to me. She has a boyfriend of two years but when I joked about her being in a serious relationship she said it wasn't really serious. We flirt like mad and both clearly fancy each other. We're going for drinks on Saturday after work. We'll see what happens.
     
  12. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    There are many things wrong with my outlook with the last post, even though I wasn't being negative. I haven't 'fallen'. My penis does get hard. Around real women. It doesn't get that hard when I fap when I don't need to, and it doesn't get hard when I watch porn or look at it. It gets hard when I am attracted to real life women and am flirting with them, and when I'm naked with them.

    Dudes, I need to face it now and not be so bloody perfectionistic. I'm rewired. Sure, there are some problems still with DE, but that is down to years of death grip masturbation, not due to PIED. My long reboot with Selena really sped up the process, and I can safely say that my libido is fully set on girls now. Nothing can ever come close to human interaction and human touch. I'm a people person, and always have been. I'm attracted to people again.

    My 'relapse' was not really a relapse because I'm not addicted to porn. Sure, some old sensitised pathways might have become momentarily reawakened for accidentally stumbling upon some pictures, but it wasn't enough to bring me back to addiction land. I didn't binge, I just realised how profoundly pointless it all is!Everything has changed in my outlook on life during the course of this reboot. I am good with girls - I currently have three girls that I am texting and flirting with on a regular basis. Not that I am some kind of slut now, I'm not - there is just no need for me to get attached to one girl when I'm not even in a relationship. I'm polyamorous. I genuinely want to help many through my love; I went out for a drink with the girl from work, Hannah today. She is lovely. I hope something can blossom there. I found religion - something which I never thought I would ever do. Sure, Buddhism is non-theistic, non-dogmatic, and functions as more of a philosophy, but if knew how staunchly atheist I was before, you would be shocked. Most importantly, I am now confident, happy, and productive.

    I have deleted my counter. I don't need it anymore. I will continue to refrain from masturbation and pornography out of a matter of principle, simply because it doesn't turn me on. I will forever try to use my masculine energy in more productive ways other than porn and masturbation. The guy who couldn't control himself and always wanked himself silly is gone. It took this last week of slipping up to realise this. It took this last week of slipping up to realise that I no longer have any real attachment to MO or PMO.

    I will stick around here and will report on sensitivity issues that I still have from time to time. The ED that is left is down to a lack of sensitivity, as is any DE. I know that now.

    I will also continue to comment on your journals as often as I can. Thank you so much for all your help and support, guys, you have all been amazing. Much love.
     
  13. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Good luck mate. I think the time with selena made all the difference for you.
     
  14. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    El Jefe is rebooted! Well done, mate. It's so good to hear you've conquered your addiction.

    Soldier on
     
  15. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Thanks guys,

    Rebooted, maybe, but experiencing human problems just as real as before.

    I wrote this poem which described very well how I feel right now.

    Empty

    The nature of everything may be emptiness,
    But today I’m interpreting it neurotically.
    ‘I will soon die’, I know this, but this just leads to wasting the day hypnotically.
    I loved her, I really did. And when I love I love deeply. And it’s so sad that she can’t see through the finite, as she will soon discover that nothing can last forever: so foolish to cut it off so quickly.
    Love is the joining together of two souls through a karmic union; it leads to attachment which is a delusion, but so is fear – enlightenment is the only way of overcoming the illusion.
    And I miss her, I really do. And when I brood I become needy, and the thought is there constantly to text her to come and see me.
    I smoke weed and masturbate, the cocktail I used when I was depressed and addicted. Perhaps it’s an innate personality trait, or maybe I’ve just regressed and am still afflicted.
    All I want is someone, where did I go wrong? I find someone who suits me, and I actually fuck it up by being too strong.
    I go now, to waste more hours pining away. This longing damages my soul.
    She has no knowledge of how I love when I love, or of the way in which I gave her my all.


    By Jeff







    MO'd once today btw. Medicating for the depression. Don't know what this is anymore, whether it's addiction still rearing its ugly head or just normal human problems.
     
  16. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Normal human problems. Pretty concise, Jeff. No matter how many days we have under our belts, we'll always be normal humans with normal human problems. Maybe we'll be tougher humans, ones less troubled by our problems. I don't know.

    Is that Selena in your poem?
     
  17. Spangler

    Spangler Member

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Congrats on successfully overcoming your PIED, man! You should be proud of that victory, and just because you're going through a hard time now doesn't mean that it's any less a victory.

    I understand that attachment is unhealthy when it means that you are basing your happiness and self-worth on the presence/love/devotion of someone else, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't hold onto the people that we love. I don't know the emotional landscape between you and Selena right now, but from reading your breakup post it seemed like your relationship was pushing you off balance in a lot of ways. Did you feel emotionally dependent on her? If yes, I would try to regain my footing on my own for awhile, focusing on my goals and friendships, before exploring serious relationships again (and what you had with Selena was serious, even if it wasn't official or exclusive). In my experience, relationships are a lot healthier when people want each other rather than need each other. By that I mean that each person can stand strong on his/her own, but together they can reach even greater heights. Hope that helps.

    As far as M goes, addiction is a normal human problem, Jeff. If you're wondering whether your relationship with M qualifies as an addiction, I have a rubric I can give you. Message me if you're interested.
     
  18. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    @Apeman: Yes that poem is about Selena. And I think I do cope better with my human problems now I'm free from the grip of addiction. Far better. A million times better. Where I would've completely lost it and reverted back to wanking for hours in front of hardcore pornography, smoking an eighth of weed and feeling suicidal, now I have far more of an ability to step back from the situation and view it pragmatically, and my emotional lows are nowhere near as desolate as they once were.

    Spangler: I don't feel emotionally dependent on her, no. I just miss her. It was so easy when we were together. It was just a breeze, like a really great friendship but with all the perks. It never felt forced or difficult. That's what I miss. I've decided I want to ask Selena if she'll move with me to Germany, but I don't know how to suggest it to her without her thinking I'm just being emotional and erratic. I know I want to be with her and I also know I want to be in Germany, so I think I'll have to leave it a bit, give it time, and then suggest it to her. It might seem kinda crazy but I think I just need to be confident in my willingness to commit. I need to be a real man. My rationale is that to be honest, she's also kind of footloose. She doesn't really have much for her here, and I think Germany would be an amazing place for us to make a new life together. You're advice is helpful, and I woke up this morning with a much clearer head, especially after speaking with one of my friends, Cassandra on the phone for about two hours last night. I'll message you. Thanks dude. :)
     
  19. Re: ElJefe's journal

    I am happy for you mate. :)
     
  20. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Thanks bros,

    I MO'd today no P. My dick doesn't seem to get that hard when I'm not actually naked with a girl… Maybe I was jumping the gun a bit with the ED, or maybe I've just been a bit mopey about Selena and this is my body's natural way of telling me that sex is not necessarily what I my priorities are right now. It's definitely about 80% recovered though… I don't really know, it's hard to tell. I think it's really really easy, though, to get massively too perfectionistic about this reboot once you get past a certain level. Once you're able to have sex successfully, with a hard dick, which is our goal, I guess the rules are slightly different for you. It's good to refrain from MO as much as possible as a matter of principle, though. Waste of your sacred sex energy.
     

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