The journal of El Jefe/Jeff/Dan. Back after long hiatus!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Original Jeff, Sep 22, 2013.

  1. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    So here I am, my first ever post on a forum related to internet porn addiction.

    I started watching when I was about 13, never PMO'ing, just watching. I guess this was a really early kind of edging. I actually never PMO'd or even orgasmed at all (apart from in wet dreams) until I was 15. From that first PMO, I was hooked.

    I'm now 21, and am still addicted. But something's changed. I am no longer in denial about my porn addiction. I suspected porn was causing a problem for me, but I never realised to what extent until I came accross Yourbrainonporn.com in August and decided to reboot. I knew it would be hard, and that I would probably fail but the truth is, I have been flat-lining for years, I reckon about 4 of the 6 years of my problem. The amount of shit I've gone through to avoid sexual contact and inevitable embarrassment, the amount of confusion over myself and my sexuality (due to escalation to gay porn and some seriously fucked up shit) , the terrible crippling loneliness, right down in the depths of my very soul, the social anxiety (even though I am a very extroverted person), the hours spent, well fapping. I knew at that moment I had to make a change.

    I'm without porn now for 23 days.

    So far I MO'd whilst fantasising on:

    Day 10
    Day 16 x3
    Day 17
    Day 23

    I know it's almost akin to a full relapse, but I don't feel I'm capable of reducing stimulus altogether. I actually MO'd just from reading a not particularly explicit paragraph in a novel today...

    I feel as if I'm more able to stop porn if I'm still occasionally able to MO. At the moment once a week seems reasonable. I am trying to cut down on the MO completely, though, but it's tough. The ED is also really difficult to cope with, but I got it up easier today, even if it was through fantasising. I am hoping I will be rebooted fully by around Christmas time, as long as I continue to make progress with reducing the frequency of my MO whilst abstaining from porn. I've been meditating a lot and reading a lot about Zen, which I have become very interested in. I think this is a promising path towards reducing my suffering and cultivating mindfulness, free from guilt and shame.

    I just feel deflated today after I MO'd and I can't concentrate at all even though I have an exam tomorrow.

    Do any of you have any tips on how I can get studying? I really can't afford for every MO to set me back like this.

    Also, what are your thoughts on MO but no P? Obviously it will make my reboot slower but I guess you wouldn't just expect to take a heroin straight off the heroin with no interrim period would you?
     
  2. Re: Szabo's journal

    Üdv!

    First of all, ED is when you can't get it hard when you are with a partner. So even if you could get it up when you were alone, you might've failed if you were about to have sex with a girl.

    The key to success is to get rid of everything that is connected in any way to your addiction, it includes MO. It took me 9 months to realize that.
     
  3. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Szabo's journal

    Köszönöm a segítséget XD

    Do we have to write in English on here? I guess so.

    I understand that but I think if I stopped MO altogether I would become too overwhelmed too quickly and would have definitely fully relapsed by now. I am now trying a 30 day nofap. I actually find the temptation not to fap harder to resist than the temptation not to watch porn.
     
  4. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Szabo's journal

    Day 0:

    Overcomplicating everything in my head. Feel depressed and worthless, like I'll never get out of this.
     
  5. Ninjarooster

    Ninjarooster New Member

    Re: Szabo's journal

    So you relapsed? And you feel depressed and worthless and well... trapped. Let me tell you this, you are not trapped. You're trapped because your mind says you are. I have been quitting for over a year. Ive relapsed, I've felt those feeling many of times. But getting back up is the only way to prove you aren't. If you're masturbating less than you were in the past, I wouldn't call that trapped just yet!

    Stay strong buddy!
     
  6. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Szabo's journal

    Thanks man, appreciate it. I only MO'd, but thinking about myself in a kind of porn scene. I only reset my MO counter not my P, but tbh I feel like I'd get a lot more if I tried to abstain from everything. Fuck it, I'm going to do the 90 day nofap. I've got a good workout programme (I'm an amateur bodybuilder anyway), I meditate every day (very interested in Buddhism in particular Zen), and I'm limiting my time on the computer. So far I've found these things have worked but after about a week I get that little niggle saying 'go on, fap, you know you want to' and I truly feel like even if I MO with no P, I feel terrible afterwards. Is it possible I'm addicted to MO aswell as P? Any tips to help me start the 90 day No PMO?

    Cheers
     
  7. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Szabo's journal

    Day 0 of MO again. This time not bothered. It was a legitimate fap over a potential partner. Still going strong not watching porn. Nofap recommenced.
     
  8. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Szabo's journal

    Day 0: accidentally came across a picture of some tits (just tits lol) and MO'd. It was entirely unenjoyable, and I was barely erect. I'm still not going to count that as PMO because it was accidental and I didn't 'hunt' for it. Even though I keep MO'ing I think I'm taking tiny gradual steps towards recovery, which for me is the way because I was soo addicted. I have accepted 100% that watching porn is never going to happen again, I'm just struggling with the lack of MO. Anyway I'm not feeling guilty, in fact I'm feeling positive because at least I'm not PMO binging 2-4 times a day like I used to. Long way to go, naturally, but the future's bright. I'm going to try again to refrain from all MO till Christmas, if I can. I will then set a new goal depending on where I feel I am.

    I find that sometimes slowly but surely is better than all-out assault, guys.

    ALSO, meditation is really good!!
     
  9. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Szabo's journal

    I just MO'd again! For fuck's sake!!! Again barely an erection but suddenly was overcome with the urge. I am starting to realise now why it's important to withdraw from MO altogether, it means you don't fool yourself into thinking MO is okay. Still, as long as I'm learning I'm happy.
     
  10. johndoe51992

    johndoe51992 New Member

    Re: Szabo's journal

    I agree mate. MO'd is natural but in the situation of rebooting it is not advised. It is only advised for those individuals that have been sexually wired before the emergence of porn. Its only recommended it be a weekly thing for those individuals too. In our situation we were sexually wired by porn, so every time you MO'd during the reboot the more you will crave P b/c the MO will not give you as great a high as would PMO.
     
  11. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Szabo's journal

    Yup, absolutely man. I saw my therapist the other day, and I told her everything. It turns out that I've been clinically depressed since the age of 8 (when I was bullied severely), so 13 years of depression lol. It directly correlates with why I went to porn when I was 15, to escape the pain. I thought I was better when I was able to MO, but the underlying depression is still there. I've only been 5 days without MO and omg I am so depressed it's unreal. Still holding out not MO'ing though. I'm going to beat this and I've been strong accepting the urges and disengaging myself from acting on them.

    I haven't been able to work out recently at all because I've been injured. I'll be looking forward to getting back to it next week, maybe that will help a bit with the depression.

    Peace.
     
  12. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest

    Re: Szabo's journal


    sorry to hear about your depression, dont worry about this shit too much..

    all it is, is PORN. talk more with friends and family..i almost committed suicide after having anxiety, panic attacks and major depression last year, it had nothing to do with my porn use or sexual confusion..im like you, bullied, anti social, Obsessive and compulsive etc...

    find hobbies and go for walks. also with the gay porn its best to reboot and then decide what your orientation is, if you have had a strong attraction to females than you're not gay...being bisexual isnt a big deal either i identify as such
     
  13. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Szabo's journal

    OK so I very nearly PMO'd. I'm so fucking depressed and needed a dopamine rush, so I fantasised a bit and got 60% erection. REALLY wanted to cum to ease the pain of the depression but stopped myself. I am on the edge of a relapse guys, some encouragement or advice would be really great. I just can't take this suicidal depression right now but I know that if I relapse I will feel even worse afterwards.
     
  14. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Szabo's journal

    Rock Bottom

    OMG I'm so low it's unbelievable. Literally cannot find any enjoyment in anything anymore and am really suicidal. Have been talking to a therapist who is treating me for the depression that the porn addiction came from originally, but not getting any actual help for the porn addiction. My brain is trying to fool me into relapsing, I know it, but I'm not letting it. It's fighting back. 10 days now no MO, the longest I've been without any form of masturbation in years.
     
  15. ENOUGH!

    ENOUGH! Guest

    Re: Szabo's journal

    Congratulations on the record! I'm in a low too right now. Not suicidal though. Right now most of my energy goes into dealing with it and finding the root of it. For many of us PMO is just the quick fix to not deal with our dysfunctional life, only to make it worse. Hopefully we will all come to our senses and become better persons.
     
  16. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest

    Re: Szabo's journal

    never give in...your depression will ease in time...stopping the porn is something you MUST do!

    don't die, or you will never find out how much better your life will be..

    live and continue abstaining from porn...I have an urge to watch shemale porn right now but im gonna eat....and then read a novel..

    I suggest ( if you drive) getting out of the house, or even going for a walk..stay strong
     
  17. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Thanks guys, you're all so right! Enough I like what you said about the covering up our dysfunctional lives with PMO. It's so true.

    So the other day after I posted I was genuinely worried as to what I would do to myself, even having seen my therapist in the morning. I booked an urgent appointment with the doctor and told him everything, including the porn which he agrees with is a real thing (a lot of people including my therapist don't really understand porn addiction). I have been put on antidepressants (Citalopram 20mg) which I started yesterday. The effects were massive and I felt huge anxiety, depersonalisation, shaking, difficulty peeing. It felt like I was still depressed but just couldn't feel depressed because of the medication.

    My therapist put it like this: When I was 8 I became depressed. I never sought help. When I was 15 I was at my absolute lowest, and to avoid committing suicide I turned to porn, which became my medication. It's better to replace my self-medication (porn) with something that's clinically designed to help, than to just carry on self-medicating. Yesterday I felt absolutely no urge to PMO at all.

    I rang my doctor about the weird side-effects and he said that I should start taking them in the evening instead, so that the most severe effects are during my sleep.

    I'm pretty depressed right now, fairly suicidal, but just making myself do stuff to get through the day.

    My advice to anyone reading this: If you don't know why you are addicted to PMO, meditate, see a therapist, do anything it takes to see if there is a reason behind it. If you identify the root, it will be shit coming off it. Really shit. Keep powering through and see a professional, stay strong, and you will get out of this.
     
  18. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest

    Re: ElJefe's journal


    jeff, you have made a HUGE step in your recovery...you have realised that you have been using porn as a gateway away from your depression.. last year 2012 june I had a panic attack, I had another and developed major depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation,
    A horrid OCD episode... it had nothing to do with my porn use ( I think) but I have lived a void life..which Is why I completely get where you're coming from..

    suicide is permanent, I really wanted to die in 2012, but I said no...see your therapist weekly...or maybe even twice a week
     
  19. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: ElJefe's journal

    Relapsed.

    Got this app called whisper. I started chatting with people on there and exchanging pictures. I PMO'd. Damn.

    I spent nearly an hour this morning meditating after my workout (which I'm back into, yay!) on being compassionate towards myself. I feel a little more balanced due to the meds, but it could just be a placebo effect. This has set me back a lot but now I'm just going to go with one counter for PMO and should get there by 8th Jan. I'm going to try to avoid the depression that will come later as a result of this relapse by just telling myself it's okay, and shit happens, which it does. As you said, sidney, I think now I know the cause of my PMO addiction, I will be able to better understand it from now on.

    As I'm writing this I can feel that brain fog feeling setting in. Never mind, I'm going to just go and make some chicken.

    Peace.
     
  20. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest

    Re: ElJefe's journal


    you're doing brilliantly, be positive after a relapse
     

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