The Insanity Of My Addiction

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Aussie, Jan 24, 2014.

  1. Aussie

    Aussie Guest

    I wanted to start a thread about my journey so far,separate from my journal,I've had a rough start to 2014.

    I'm 28,From Sydney Australia.

    I guess my story begins at around the age of 14/15,when our family got a PC and an Internet connection.Sure,growing up in my group of friends we found magazines and had stashes,but that's not where this began,it began when I first found Internet porn,it was one website with links to hundreds of picture and movie galleries - I lost my virginity at age 13,with a popular girl in my first year of high school.

    I can remember after a while I'd wait until my parents went to bed,and spend an hour or 2 fapping in the computer/study room.Trying to be as quiet as possible,if my mum or dad got up to use the bathroom,I'd quickly turn the monitor off and hide.Porn was starting to effect me.

    I was in a relationship with the girl I lost my virginity to,however I was fapping to porn and fantasy on a daily basis,if i guesstimated how many times I had sex with this 7/10,easily 500 times,I only orgasmed from sex with her twice.I started to think something was wrong with me.

    I spent my adolescence using porn,but the addiction didn't take hold of me until I was about 19.I started enjoying masturbating over porn more than sex with girls.At the same time my only serious long term relationship ended,so I embraced PMO and enjoyed it.By this stage I had my own apartment,I was working full time,I was a stoner - I'd go out nearly every weekend clubbing and going to dance parties - but I found myself becoming less socially confident.It didn't stop me from going out,or functioning - but it was effecting me to the point of me knowing there was something wrong with me,and picking up in other peoples body language that maybe they thought I was uncomfortable or a bit odd.Just by the unconfident or awkward way id act.

    Fast forward a few years,I'm 23.I haven't had a GF for over 4 years,I got fired from my job - I moved back into my parents place,and I pretty much spent the next few years smoking weed everyday at my friends places and fapping every night.

    My addiction really got it's teeth in when I got an iMac,and fast Internet.I started getting very anxious socially and in general,I was no longer going out on weekends or being social at all.I was making up excuses when I'd be invited to things,I started thinking I was really fucked up from the weed or party drugs I got into when I was younger.I quit weed,I felt a bit better but was still depressed anxious unmotivated and things just weren't fun anymore - life had become boring,bleak and in general pointless.I was diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder,tried several medications,none worked - "what the hell is wrong with me?" "Will I be like this forever?" - are questions that started repeating themselves in my foggy mind.

    I started isolating even more,to the stage of doing daily tasks like going to the shops or appointments were hard,I'd feel uncomfortable anywhere outside of my bedroom.Extended family would come over,I'd lock my door and not even come out and say hello.My sisters BF,friends - I wasn't interested at all in communicating or having anything to do with anyone,period.I started to have suicidal thoughts,how on earth could I possibly recover from 'what ever this is' and lead a normal life again?

    My days were spent laying on my couch watching TV,playing video games and fapping over porn - and it was escalating.Tranny/gay porn was now my thing,but I was also using anything and everything else besides violent or CP.So bikini models,YouTube booty shaking...normal X rated stuff,tranny/gay shit...whatever it was it generally could and still does get me off.

    Strange thing is Ive never experienced full on ED,I do have it to an extent,but I can always get it up with women enough for sex.And the only sex I've had for the last 7 years has been prostitutes,I'd guess at least 100+ women of the sex trade.Its legal here.

    September 2012,I found Gary's site,YourBrainOnPorn and after 20 minutes I was in shock."Is this it? Is this what the fuck has been fucking me up for the last 7+ years?" I joined this forum that night,had a browse around and started a journal.

    It took me a while to get on a decent run,14 days was my best,until March 2013 when I did 94 days no porn,no mo,no sex (no o).I noticed very big changes mentally,I was in a flatline for virtually the entire 3 month period.I started exercising for the first time in my life,lifting weights and cardio.I was much more hopeful that I could beat this addiction AND actually recover from all the shit I'd been Through since I was 18/19....a normal happy life,and even relationships with women were now a real possibility.I felt better mentally and physically than I had since I was a teenager,the fog was lifting - the reboot was working.I was less depressed,less anxious,more confident - I even felt 'smarter' sharper,cleaner.My voice was deeper - I started to like myself again,I'd quit smoking cigarettes - I was even inspiring others on this board - I was really making progress,my mistake was not pushing myself hard enough,I wasn't making the fundamental changes needed to recover.

    I relapsed on day 94,and ever since I've been in an even darker place mentally.Suicidal,hopeless.Fucked up.

    But WHY?

    I relapsed because my recovery,well it wasn't a recovery - it was abstinence.Sure I was going for a walk everyday,working out,journaling - but I was still a 27 year old lonely,unemployed loser with no car living at my parents place - I didn't make enough changes in my life so I inevitably went back to porn.

    WHY can't I just stop? Well that's the nature of addiction.Ive been addicted to weed and Valium,and tobacco but for me,they were absolutely nothing compared to PMO,In fact I wouldn't even say I was addicted because when I decided to stop I just did it - willpower was the only thing needed.

    Now I find myself at a crossroads in life.Im pushing 30,And time has flown since late 2012,since I found the nofap community.

    I have some pretty big things coming up in a few weeks,I'll be starting a volunteer job,taking my driving test and getting a car.Im also doing a 3 day employment course.

    Now I KNOW that porn is the major thing fucking my life up,I can't blame everything on my addiction but I'm certain that it is the main reason I'm in this situation.And I know that I have to build a life for myself,make positive changes and abstain to recover...but I don't seem to be able to.

    The amount of times I've said here,and to myself 'this is it,that was the last time' is rediculous.

    So I know porn is what's taken my life away from me,I know if I reboot ill FEEL much better mentally and physically,I know I will - I've experienced the benefits of a no orgasm reboot and I suspect I still had months,left to properly reboot considering the extent of my addiction.

    So I know all of this yet I keep on relapsing? I feel guilty as hell after every relapse,ashamed because I'm a heterosexual man wanking over gay shit,it confuses me,even though I know I'm not gay,when you masturbate over it you question yourself all the time.

    I also wanted to add that after I relapsed after 94 days,my sessions times increased.My longest continuous edging session (with one orgasm at the end) was 14 hours,that's not a typo,fourteen mother fucking hours bro...insanity.A common session for me is usually always 5+ hours.

    A few months back my iMac HDD crashed,I decided not to replace the HDD until I was rebooted.So I switched to my PS3.After 'trying' to get back on the wagon,I just kept relapsing on my PS.I put my console in my parents room,I cut my Ethernet cables...then I went into auto pilot,ordered a cable online,got my PS back and continued fapping away.

    Man it's just a vicious cycle,on my long run I didn't even have a filter on my Mac,I was so motivated to reboot that I didn't need any preventative measures,I just did it.

    This time is proving to be a real struggle,the longest run I've done recently was 15 days leading up to New Year's Eve,when I relapsed due to the depressed state I was in after having yet another lonely Uneventful Christmas and New Years.I told my parents about my PMO addiction,showed them YBOP - they are supportive and non-judgemental,I knew I needed help so I reached out to them.

    I have an appointment with my GP next week,I'm getting a referral to see a therapist - I was In Therapy on my long run,told her about my addiction and she did help me.

    I'm on my phone,and the more I write and think about the magnitude of shit I've been through mentally and emotionally these last few years...well it's terrible.

    Anyway,I could keep going but I think that pretty much covers my journey so far,hopefully the changes coming my way next month combined with therapy,family support and of course abstinence will work for me.

    The thing is guys,I love life - even though I haven't had one for a long time - this planet is awesome,I want to travel,meet cool people,experience life to the max...I don't want a boring 9-5 lifestyle,wife and kids....for at least a decade.I just want,to LIVE - life is 80 years everyone reading this will literally be dust,my own mortality has hit me hard the past few years - I'm no longer a young man.And Women my age are now in careers,with mortgages and family's.And I still felt like a teenage raver..immature with nothing to offer a woman my age - if I don't change,If I don't recover,my life will pass me by.

  2. Big Lebowski

    Big Lebowski Member

    I read it all Aus, good too see you back my friend. :)

    Mate I tell you what though, as I have said many a time, its good for me to read this shows im not alone and you, your story is quite similar to mine albeit im eight years younger. Man I can relate to the life being boring its like theirs a shade of grey over everything or life in general is black and white, when I fucked up my 77 day streak you was on your 94 run on day 50ish or something man life seemed so much more vibrant full of colour, I went on an employment course and was doing a maths course to get a better grade and thought like I was doing well/something.

    Dude, even with the extended family shit you got that spot on its the same with me, I was a recluse to my extended family back then, couldn't even stomach going to see my 86 year old granddad who lives 5 mins away because I felt like a failure and shit.

    I had the exaxt same routine as you too lol , get up pmo watch tv, play xbox etc, its no wonder I was a skinnyfat fuck.

    I think for both of us though legitamitely speaking all this stimulating, novelty shit took over our motivation mate, I know it has for me anyway, gave up on everything without a good reason.

    Try and cut down on them binges though mate that is mental, I don't know how you do it. Mind you I got full on ED I cant even get an hard'on to porn lol my sessions were only 15-20 mins max, shows that even in small quantities it fucks with you.

    I know its hard though man, it feels like someones died coming away from porn I used it as a crutch for stressful shit. But feels so much better nowdays When I hit the skipping rope and do a 30 min HIIT session feel like tony Montana afterwards.

    Make this the year dude, don't be scared to ask for help use your journal. write what you want, we all want to succeed on here. It's also so good that you achknowledge your shit and atleast you have got direction with your life, you can do this bro, best thing for me and you is to land a full time job.
  3. neale

    neale New Member

    i can sympathise, you more or less described me in there also.
  4. Aussie

    Aussie Guest

    @ Big-L yeah man the long binges were somthing that gave me the ultimate escape.
    I should've mentioned that in my post,escapism.

    When we have issues,it's human nature to want to stop,or escape from whatever it is were uncomfortable with.

    I'm not exactly scared of asking for help,at this stage I know all there is to know (or at least all I NEED to know) about PMO addiction.I am very reluctant to go to my doctor,get a referral,go to a new therapist and explain everything - something I've done several times before and it has helped me,I just have this feeling that i know what I have to do - and talking about it doesn't really achieve much after it's been said before...but on the other hand I feel like I really need professional help - after all the way I'm living is not normal,it's very abnormal.And what really scares the shit out of me is the thought of never fully recovering.

    What I need to do is be very thorough and honest at the first therapy session.Look him or her in the eye and say that I want help,I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be the person I want to be and recover from everything.I also need to explain that in the past I've felt like therapists have played down my situation,making out that's it's not 'that bad' and that everything will be ok,"people have lives way worse than mine" which is of course very true,but I'm not someone else,I'm me and these are my issues and they are very serious and devastating for me.I want someone,a very good and professional therapist to try and help me,not fluff things over and sugar coat things.At the end of the da,the truth is I've wasted 8 years of my life,that's no minor issue...that's not something one can simply let go of.

    Porn is (sadly,horribly,negatively) a perfect escape tool for me.Ive always had a very high sex drive,with PMO you get the sexual pleasure and an escape.For those of us with a good immagination,like myself - I can lose myself in fantassy for hours.I know that when I orgasm,it's over and I'll be back into the reality of my life,so I go for as long as I can,holding off and edging dozens of times continually flooding my brain with dopamine and other chemicals.

    When your battling the addiction itself,and escaping your issues with it as well,then if just compounds the whole thing.

    Something I've learnt is that generally everyone can relate to me and visa versa on some level.Which is very sad and crazy.Porn addiction is destroying mens (and womens) lives all around the world.
  5. ryan67

    ryan67 New Member

    Wow. Thank you for this post. I live in the US and also going on the age of 28 as well. My story is very very similar to yours. I hope you conquer your self one day. I know it is the hardest thing to do. My advice is to concentrate on the life that you want for yourself one day.
  6. UsernameTaken

    UsernameTaken New Member

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