The hardest thing I've ever done

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by MrDalloway, Feb 20, 2021.

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  1. MrDalloway

    MrDalloway New Member

    Hi, exactly three weeks ago I turned 39 and my new year’s life resolution was to steer clear of porn for at least a year, so I can enter my forties as a better human being. I am currently on day 22 and quite proud of it: my last year’s record was 26 days and my life record 41 days. Till at least day 30 I definitely plan on not having sex, which is reasonable given the fact that I’m gay and live in London and there are many temptations around :)

    I started my adventure with rebooting about 5 years ago, but have never been strong enough to reach day 90. I definitely improved over the years, but my erections are not as good as they could be, I actually always take meds to be sure that I stay hard.

    Before 2016 I was completely hooked on porn and watched it for hours or even days taking breaks only to go to the toilet or to eat, which happens rarely nowadays.

    I know that I need this forum and writing here from time to time will certainly help me to stay clean. Wish me good luck :)
     
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  2. MrDalloway

    MrDalloway New Member

    Day 26 (nopmo, nofap) and the same amount of days since my 39th birthday. In a few hours I'll break my last year’s record and I’m "only" 15 days from my life record (41 days).

    I’m quite proud of myself, especially as we are in lockdown and am all the time in front of my computer. Last week was quite stressful for me as I had my third and final job interview. I got the job, but it means that I’m moving to Germany in the summer which involves even more stress. My natural reaction to stress has always been escapism to the world of porn. I managed not to do it this time, which would have been unthinkable a couple of years ago.

    Things I learned over the years of trying to quit porn: even the slightest trigger will unavoidably cause (sooner or later) a relapse, that’s why no social media for the time being. Although I have to admit that I allowed myself to watch “Sex Education” on Netflix, which wasn’t very sensible ;). I don't think that I'm going exactly through a flat line for now (I remember back in 2016 and 2017 my penis shrank to a size of a peanut - it completely freaked me out - that is not the case now :)), but I don’t have morning woods either :(

    Let’s hope I’ll make it to day 41 and break my life record. Wish me luck :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2021
    John Ball likes this.
  3. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Active Member

    I’m rooting for you. If you want some extra motivation read some of the stories on this site about people who have still not recovered fully after A YEAR. It seems like even if you don’t watch porn, just masturbating without porn, or even having sex before your recovery is complete will set you back and make your recovery take much longer.
     
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  4. MrDalloway

    MrDalloway New Member

    Masturbating is definitely bad and hinders progress. Sex itself is a very good way to rewire and start appreciating senses that are not involved while watching porn: touch, smell and taste. My problem: sex for me is a trigger to watch porn.o_O
    After an orgasm with a partner, my brain wants even more pleasure and I can’t help myself. I relapse. After some time, I start rebooting, then feel ready to have sex and then I relapse again. A vicious circle :(
     
  5. MrDalloway

    MrDalloway New Member

    Day 30, which I considered a great achievement, not that my life is devoid of pretty impressive accomplishments: I speak 5 languages, have a Ph.D. and a body of a bodybuilder... I’ve managed to do so many good things and yet haven’t succeeded in quitting porn for almost 10 years. I’d like to write that this time will be better, but, unfortunately, I’ve been there before at least a hundred times and know that it is not that simple...

    Quitting porn is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done!
     
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Good Luck MrD
     
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  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Thats a roundabout way of beating yourself up with your own accomplishments, don't do it.
    Although I do appreciate the creativity in that self-deprecation, sort of.

    It's not easy having fresh faith in old wars, but that's exactly the emotion you need to synthesize. I sure know the feeling. You may try a hundred times, or more, but you only need to succeed once. Bonne chance!
     
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  8. MrDalloway

    MrDalloway New Member

    Thank you @ dark red drifter vessel and Rudolf Geyse for your support.


    Days 31, Another day, another battle

    My new job in Germany asked me for references today, so I really had to speak about it at last to my supervisor (school headteacher). It obviously triggered a lot of stress. I don’t know what stressed me more: telling him about my resignation or realizing the huge change in my life that doesn’t only involve a job change but as well moving to a new country, leaving London, finding an apartment, and starting all over again. For me, stress usually equals masturbation and PMO. I didn’t want to follow back into old patterns so I went for a walk, called my partner (I haven’t written that I’m in a long-distance relationship with a guy living in Paris - because of coronavirus I feel like I’m single though), bought vodka, drink some and had a long nap. I promised myself to drink less, so I’m a little bit disappointed in myself but I least I managed to stay sober, I mean porn sober ;)
     
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  9. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Yo, what happened to you? You been awol for a while now.
     
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  10. GoForthAndWin

    GoForthAndWin New Member

    This is key. When I PM, everything is bliss.
     
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  11. MrDalloway

    MrDalloway New Member

    Day 50 (!)

    It’s been a while since I’ve written. I have been extremely busy with my work, which consumes all my energy. I realised that I’m being exploited at my current job and feel happy that I quit. In a couple of months, it will be over. I’ll have fewer responsibilities and be better paid. I’m not naive and know that there will be other problems but at least they will be new ;) I look forward to living in Germany and can’t help but think that the decision of leaving the UK was right. It is obviously a daunting experience, but I like challenging myself. Is this unusually optimistic state of mind a consequence of not having PMOed for 50 days? Very likely.
     

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