The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within: Road to Redemption

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Pedigree, Jun 28, 2012.

  1. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Anger remains an issue. It hit a turning point two weeks ago when I was having a particularly bad stretch work-wise that I finally lost it in front of my girlfriend and I said in the middle of it "I give up, I'm going back". Then my girlfriend looks at me with this heartbroken look and said "If you truly are giving up, please tell me. Because it means you're giving up on me, too". That was the end of our meal that night and for the next 12 hours or so, the end of our relationship.

    What followed was the longest night of my life as I messaged and messaged her but she won't respond. I called and I called but she wouldn't pick up the phone. I finally came to her the next morning and said that I'm sorry I said that in the manner that I did and that I wish I could undo what I said because I want to be with her. I didn't break up with her but that was the message that she got when I said that. I was very angry that day.

    I don't know how she had the capacity for it but we patched things up. I sobbed like a baby when she hugged me. She's special this girl. She's got a golden heart.

    I've been thinking about my anger and can only come up with 2 solutions:
    1. I probably haven't been as accepting of reality as I've been telling myself. There's a lot of resistance to the idea that after porn and my domineering mother there's still bigger fish to fry life-wise and there's always going to be bigger fish to fry.

    2. After controlling what girl and which scenes I want to cum to for so long, it's difficult to accept when things are not in your control. I feel like I'm doing an immediate gratification to delayed gratification exercise on extreme difficulty.
  2. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Happy New Year, guys.

    I am approaching 18 months since my move from Sydney to SE Asia. Things are by no means perfect but are leaps and bound better than the situation that I was when I first joined here. Reading the first page of this journal is surreal. It seems a lifetime ago since I started.

    At present, I am 15 months strong with my girlfriend. Relationships are hard work but the payoff's great, not only in the sex department but also in the having someone to stand by your side department. I continue to learn about relationships, about her, and about myself in general. Also am working a decent job which uses my talent though making money on the side from the property sector (Actually it's the money on the side that's larger than my day job).

    As far as my relationship with porn goes:
    -It feels rather like someone who has reached their ideal weight but then allows a few extra pounds to creep up and then having to workout and watch what they eat again to put the weight back down. From time to time, I allow myself to visit and/or download porn, watch them, and like this morning frantically delete them.

    -As far was watching porn itself, I find that things are quite weird. I watch, I relapse but these days the rush seems to come more from accessing and downloading rather than watching and PMOing. I find watching the download being completed or bypassing filters a lot more exciting than watching it. I don't know if that's good or bad.

    -My triggers these days are feelings of stress. To be more specific, stress derived from feeling helpless and not being in control. To be even more specific, I still struggle with distinguishing between what I can and what I cannot control so the instinct is still there to go to websites with nekkid women. I am at the moment trying to get a better dayjob, I have been applying left and right but have not had a positive result so I still feel that the urge to look at porn is still there.
  3. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    It feels like we've all grown up together in this forum. How's everything?
  4. DancerMan

    DancerMan Guest

    Hi Pedigree!

    Long time no speak. I just wanted to say congratulations on all of your successes and embarking on this journey with strength, fortitude and never giving up!

    I disappeared for a while, with some success, but have returned :)

    Congrats again
  5. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Dear all,

    Just want to let you all know that I have gotten engaged with my girlfriend.

    My life is not perfect, I still have problems to get through and shit to deal with. But I'm a shitload of miles away from beating off everyday to naked women on a screen and doing nothing productive with my life.
  6. tsmith1302

    tsmith1302 Active Member

  7. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Very good to hear. Cheers!
  8. Jigar

    Jigar New Member

    Congratulations on the engagement and your progress in general
  9. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    I'm back and now 32 going on 33. I got married to the girlfriend mentioned in the above posts and have been so for 5 years. We have a 4 year old son. I'll be back later to tell more but right now just want to say I feel that I want to come back here mostly for non-PMO-related purposes though there's some aspect that involves PMO as well.
  10. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    I think 2020 was a difficult year for most and also for me and my family. We didn't get COVID (and may it always be this way) but it was a difficult year in its non-COVID way.

    In January, my grandma fell and broke her tailbone requiring surgery. She got bolts put in her spine but despite some movement in her toes for all intents and purposes, she's paralyzed. Then in June my grandmother urinated blood and got taken to hospital. A few days later she was diagnosed with cancer in her intestine and she needed a procedure done where they make a hole in her stomach so that she can defecate into a bag. She's still on this earth with great appetite and we're very thankful she's still here after two major medical procedures in 2020. We got her a carer to live with her.

    It fell on my wife and I to care for her. But the greater burden psychologically fell on my wife because she's a doctor so when my grandma went and got her two surgeries, she was very much aware of the risks and worst case scenarios. She's also very much aware of what's going on in my grandma's body. And for the last year or so, there's been many times where she's just cried on my shoulder. I think mentally and psychologically what happened to my grandma along with the extra precautions that we have to take due to COVID (once again her awareness as a doctor kicking) really made her really stressed out last year.

    What shits me was that during this period, my mum bailed out on us. She's been living with her boyfriend in a different city and she's been using COVID as an excuse why she can't come over to provide assistance. But the truth is she hasn't given two shits about my grandma. She couldn't give enough shit about calling her and she didn't even help financially.

    As for me, I put my son and wife first. I'm able to work from home and support my son as he does pre-kindergarten from distance learning. But my wife being in her place she's in psychologically, I became more and more reluctant to "burden" her with how I feel about things because I didn't want to add to her mental burden. I just want to support her. Before, I feel that I can but what a year (in the worst sense of the word).

    I'm probably not in too good of a head space right now. I don't have anyone to unburden or share things with. Most of my friends have gotten married and are busy with their new lives, careers, and babies. It can be a bit lonely having all these repressed and unexpressed feelings.

    PMO-wise, it's the highest the cravings have gotten for years. I tend to think that I've never kicked the habit away, it's just that I've built more and more resilience that it takes a more extreme situation to trigger me into having to look at porn.

    MO-wise, I've developed the "talent" of masturbating without my hands in 2020. That's right, folks. I gotta be really relaxed and take my time. But I've done it, ejaculated without so much as a stroke. No chaser effect, btw so I'm able to do a "one and done" when it comes to this.

    Anyway, I'm just unloading here. Somehow I thought of this forum yesterday and thought this would be a good place to share. Just need a place to talk about these things that I don't necessarily feel able to in real life.

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