The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within: Road to Redemption

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Pedigree, Jun 28, 2012.

  1. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Hi all.

    I'm 24 years old, I'm from Sydney, Australia and here's how I got here:

    Age 11-12: Saw porn for the first time. Medium was mostly pictures rather than videos.

    Age 12-16: Became more of an erotica person than a porn person. Aside from that, I go to a school where there were a considerable amount of attractive female teachers in their 20s and that's really all I need if I have to masturbate lol.

    Age 16-18: I began to rediscover porn via tube sites. It took the better part of two years, but erotic stories and the female teachers were slowly cast aside in favor of porn. Of course at this stage, tube sites only offered things like 5-10 minute clips.

    Age 18-20: Continued deeper into porn. The thing that checked me from an outright addiction. was that computer was shared and unless there was a legitimate excuse, I would not be on for longer than an hour. Even so, I'd use what I saw on the screen as masturbation fodder and I was developing a habit of visiting sites daily.

    Age 20: Became conscious of various genres, studios, and porn stars that's out there. Began to narrow my focus on specific genres, studios, and stars.

    Age 21: Got my own laptop and the family got wi-fi. This was what set me down the road to being here today. This was when 2 or 3 hours would disappear just like that because there's nothing checking it. This was when I started leave the laptop on overnight to download/torrent a movie. This was when I started to get PMO.

    Age 22-23: Officially settled into my "niche" as a porn watcher. Favorite genres were lesbian, massage, latina, asian, milf. Never got beyond that, luckily.
    -Occasionally, I began asking questions about whether or not I had a problem. Googling around, the general consensus I got was that it's only an addiction if a) Your tastes in porn are getting extreme and b) It starts disrupting your life. I'm not A because my taste in porn is quiet limited as you can see above, and when it's crunch time during university, I would pick my assignments over porn.

    Age 24:
    -Early February: Still single, still without a girlfriend, still virgin and wondering if I should stop masturbation to do better with the ladies.
    At this stage, I was more concerned about the masturbation rather than the porn. There were days where I could do it 5 or 6 times a day. To the point where even my dick is saying "Please stop!" but my mind wants another one. Then I encountered the whole thing about what porn does, how it can fuel the masturbation, and how it can have effects on your life in general though I still haven't bumped into YBOP.
    -The rest of February: Took baby steps. I'd last 1-2 days without PMO then I'd falter. 1 or 2 days then I'd falter again.
    -March: Went overseas with 2 friends. Aside from when I'm in the shower or taking a dump, I did not have time to myself. Then you've got the travelling and the walking around. Lasted 14 days. The breaking point came when I thought of a girl that I saw on a previous day, thought about all the ways I could undress her, sneaked into the bathroom, and whacked off. First time in a long time that I whacked off without porn's assistance.
    -April: Since that trip, I've gone back to 1-2 days then reset and start all over again.
    -Late April-June: Looking around at videos is no longer enough, I'm now beginning to use my savings on membership sites. I was a member of 4 different sites in April-May. Cut back to just 1 in June but cancelled that out. The fact that I was now paying to get porn was rock bottom for me, that was when I knew something needed to be done though not entirely sure what I should do.
    -27th June 2012: At night, before bed, I watched porn. Did not have a clue that that would be for the last time.
    -28th June 2012: Bumped into articles online about not getting turned on by real women because of PMO. That was the straw that broke the camel's back as far I was concerned. Immediately made the decision to start rebooting. Did not even "farewell" my collection by going on a PMO session.

    My goals/targets/wants are:
    -I want to take back control of myself. Don't want to be the slave of the voice that's encouraging me to check out a site
    -I am single. In my high school years I can chalk my lack of success with the opposite sex up to going to an all boys' school and not having regular interaction with girls my age, but I now it seems that PMO is playing a large part. If going off PMO will give me more bravery to speak to girls, makes more flirtatious then I'd give it a try.
    -I need energy. I've lost 11 kgs of weight in the last 6 months but I think I could use extra energy when I exercise. I also need the energy to look for work since I'm unemployed.
    -Not see PMO as an escape. I seem to descend into it when I'm pissed off and upset.
    -I want to get attracted to normal girls again. At the moment, they really have to stick out to get a rise out of me (like a porn star).
    -If I have to masturbate, I'd like it to be me and me alone providing the fantasy material and not porn.

    And that's how I got here.
  2. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: Gonna Take Control

    Just woke up and immediately got up and took my laptop out of my bedroom to avoid PMO. It's been give or take 30 hours since my last PMO. No noticeable changes other than the fact that I felt ready to wake up at 7 hours instead 8-8.5 hours sleep.
  3. geordie

    geordie New Member

    Re: Gonna Take Control

    welcome to the forum mate :)
  4. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within

    Day 2. Probably about 43-44 hours now since I last PMO. Me going to sleep tonight will take it past the 48 hour mark.

    Approaching the 2 day mark is nothing new for me since I realized that I had a problem that I have to address. In fact it's probably the average before I relapse again. The thing that I always immediately notice when I'm off PMO or not masturbating in general is that I have extra fuel. Went jogging at the park for at least 15-20 mins longer than I normally do.

    That's the good news. The bad news is that I never realized how much of a reflex reaction it is when I turn to PMO.

    It's Friday night over where I am. My friends are either working or already have their own plans and it looks like I'm spending the night by myself at home. My Friday nights are always one of two things: 1) my friends would come over and we'd have a drink or two 2) I would go to PMO. Since I'm by myself, PMO is what my head's telling me to do right now.

    I told it no. Went to the video shop to see if there's any interesting DVD. It appears there wasn't anything interesting so I went back home.

    I don't know if any of you have experienced this in your process, but I've got a headache right now and it's been steadily developing since around the time I told myself that I want to at least have a look at the video shop before resigning to the fact that I will be alone tonight and I'm certain it's got something to do with the fact that I'm not resorting to PMO tonight.
  5. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within

    Hi, pedigree!

    Welcome to the forum!
    My first week was reallybhard: headache, lethargy, mood changing every hour, swollen balls, apathy, fog brain, depression.
    Keep strong.
    Try to read other journals at the forum.
    Go for a Walk, run, bike, try to dont stay too much at home.
    Good luck!
  6. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within

    First of all, thanks to Geordie and Pilgrim for their response.

    Day 3:
    Just finished doing weights at home. Once again I've feel the extra energy that would otherwise be used for other purposes, might do another session later on after my meal.

    When I went out to the Post Office today, I noticed I walked with a slight hunch. Maybe feeling something starting to build up down below lol.

    The day drove home to me that the battleground is between my ears and not between my legs. When I was PMOing, my justification was that "I'm just horny" and I found out otherwise today. When my brain wanted PMO earlier, I went outside to collect the mail and buy lunch. Surprisingly, my brain responded by playing sexual images (some of the scenes I had watched recently). It's all my brain, mind you, my dick did not do anything at all. It stirred, but it didn't get hard. When I chose ignore my brain's signals, it gave me another headache, though not as bad as yesterday.
  7. geordie

    geordie New Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within

    good luck pedigree. ive been on this for a few months now and im currently on day8. porn has been a bad habit of mine for about 12 years so its obvious that there are going to be lots of learned behaviours that i need to unlearn.

    my advice would be to stay strong but dont 'fight'. if you try to fight cravings you actually make them stronger and things tougher. check out stuff on mindfullness. when you get a craving realise that its not going to last long, that its your brain not your dick trying to get a release, and think 'ok its my bad brain talking' 'my brain wants me to sit in front of a computer on my own and make me miserable'. see porn for what it really is and accept it for what it is. if you fight cravings hard you bury the thoughts into your subconscious and they come back bigger and stronger.

    ive read a couple of books on willpower and habits to help me learn what ive been doing. its all a learning curve and its important not to be to hard on yourself

    good luck!
  8. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within

    Welcome on the boards man. :) It's an accomplishment to find sites like this to help beat this addiction.
  9. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within

    Thanks for the welcome rcfergie 5.

    Day 4:
    Woke up today with a very small boner. I'll put it 1 out of 10 on the boner scale. It just feels like some blood got lost and flowed down there.

    Can't say enough about the energy boost. Went jogging for a good hour today and still feels like there's some energy left in the tank. If there's any immediate benefit of getting off PMO, it's definitely the energy boost.

    I'm probably saying the obvious, but can't help but think that being addicted to porn desynchronizes your body. My brain was at it again, playing some erotic fantasies and it'll get a 2 out of 10 on the boner scale down below but then the boner doesn't last long and it goes limp again. Suddenly I regret those PMO sessions where it's obvious my dick doesn't want another round but your brain wants another high so you listen to your brain and you PMO anyway even when your dick's not feeling it. It's the same thing with looking at attractive girls in real life, my eyes recognize that they're attractive but what's downstairs doesn't recognize it. That's why I'm here I guess.

    I'll take the positive though. I realized I had a problem that I tried to address and have always been able to make it to day 2 or 3 before I would relapse, justify the relapse, and get back to PMO. Aside from a recent overseas trip where I went 14 days, 4 days is the longest I've gone without PMO.
  10. Dragus

    Dragus New Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within

    Good to see another fellow Sydneysider in the forum.
    Keep at it mate. Congrats for the 4 days milestone.

    I know you were traveling at the time, but how did you find the 14 days abstain? Did you have a lot of energy, felt more attracted towards girls?
  11. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within

    Thanks for the support, Dragus. Will drop by your thread.

    As to my experience with the 14 days without PMO:
    -Energy for sure. In the first week, I've felt the extra energy in the sense that I've got more fuel. By the second week, the energy was translating itself into walking more proudly. I wasn't strutting but I was puffing my chest.
    -Felt pressure in the balls area. When you're doing other things you can distract yourself from it, but when there's nothing going on you feel it.
    -Feel more impatient. Normally when someone bumps into me, I flash a "Don't worry, I know that wasn't done on purpose" smile. In the second week, when someone bumped into me walking through New York, I felt annoyed.
    -Everything seemed more beautiful. I don't know if this was because I was travelling or because I was of PMO but somehow I appreciated things a lot more than I usually do. I could, to this day, still close my eyes and remember what it was like in NYC and the other places I went to.
    -As for the ladies, yes, they did become more attractive and you notice more little things about them. Black Victoria Secrets bra straps peeking out of sleeveless tops suddenly became the sexiest thing in the world.
    -Keeping yourself distracted is the best way to go about this. There were times where I would go through a day without a sexual thought (either that or I was flatlining).

    Part of the reason why I was able to go for that long was that at the hotels I was in for the first half of the trip, you had to pay for the wi-fi and to save costs my friends and I decided to take turns pay for internet which was to be put on the laptop one of my friends bought. Then for the last week or so of the trip, our hotels were hotels where you did not have to pay for wi-fi.

    This was where I relapsed big time. It was not just MO, but full on PMO. I'd wake up early in the morning and go to the bathroom to PMO with my iPhone's aid. The thing was, the first time I PMO'd, I felt like I had to sort of force myself to access a porn site because I had a notion in my mind, that maybe I can do without porn. In hindsight, that was probably a signal that I was beginning to transition out of porn addiction. But I ignored it, unfortunately and PMO'ed for the 6-7 out of the last 10 days of the trip.
  12. jdurden

    jdurden Guest

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within

    Keep it up, I wish you all the best pedigree :) It's interesting to read the changes you're experiencing as you go further along your journey as well, no doubt they'll further change and improve along the road. Jdurden
  13. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within

    Thanks for the support jdurden.

    Day 5:
    Day of contradictions over where I am. Still got the high energy when I had to tap into them when exercising but felt lethargic and sleepy at the same time.

    I cheated today. Did not go to a porn site but could not resist going to a bikini site. I'm starting to get confused. My eyes were able to recognize the models as sexy and hot, there's no reaction downstairs, but minutes later when I went to take a leak I discovered that I was leaking pre-cum.

    Also, though my mind led me to the bikini site, it was playing significantly less sexual thoughts. Combined with my lack of reaction downstairs, is this the beginning of a flatline?
  14. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within

    Day 6:
    Woke up with *gasp* morning wood. I'll put it at 3/10 on the boner scale. Wasn't entirely sure what I was dreaming about but there it was. I think the energy surge is starting to get a bit much because I'm starting to have trouble sleeping. Either that or 8 hours sleep with PMO is 6 hours without PMO.

    Haven't felt the overhwhelming urge to visit a porn site. It's a good thing though I'd like to know the reason why I'm feeling this, because I'm getting this sense that I really have to be going out of my way if I want to access a porn site. On the other hand, I've again accessed a bikini model site. I'm seeing it as a compromise. Brain gets some dopamine, though not as much as from porn, and I get something that does not move me to relapse. Though in saying that, I will probably have to phase this site out.

    I guess I'm in flatline mode now. Eyes registering that the models from the site are attractive, dick not responding though still producing pre-cum. Granted, the models from the site aren't being blatant in their poses but still, attractive women in reaction at all...

    Took the day off exercise. Been keeping busy by reading a book and looking around for a job (I'm unemployed). Other than that, I'm on track for completing 6 full days.
  15. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within (1 Week Completed)

    Day 7:
    Well here I am at the end of my first week.

    7 days in and the benefits of going without PMO has gone beyond increased energy. I find that my mind is clearer, sharper, and more alert. I'm always worried that I've got sleeping problems, feeling drowsy and sleepy in the middle of the day, but not anymore. I agree to those who claim less anxiety. There is a calm about me.

    On an unrelated note, I went to a career counsellor today. Finally went to a career counsellor because I had been thinking about doing it for at least 6-8 weeks without following up. I'll attribute the fact to me finally getting off my ass to go due to the fact that I want to get out of the house instead of resorting of PMO.

    Downstairs, I'm definitely into flatline mode. It's looking shrivelled right now both because of flatline and because it's bloody cold here in Sydney.

    A week on, I'm finding that surprisingly, I'm not missing porn at all. In saying that, my mind is playing fantasies perhaps in an attempt to compensate.

    Overall though, it seems to be the case that my head is shutting down on sexual thoughts. Whatever fantasies there was, it was less than yesterday. My visits to the bikini models site were beginning to feel forced and I'm starting to watch women's tennis for the tennis, not the women lol.

    That's how things look at the end of the my first week trying fight porn addiction. Bring on the second week.
  16. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within (1 Week Completed)

    You are doing very well, pedigree!
    Keep walking.
    Each day you ll learn more about yourself.
    Good luck!
  17. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within (1 Week Completed)

    Day 8:
    All right, into my second week.

    Beginning of the day was difficult. Thought my brain was shutting down as part of the flatline process but came back with a vengeance by playing some fantasies. Now by fantasies, I'm not talking fantasies based on porn which I saw but fantasies my own mind formulated. Was reading an article shared by a friend on Facebook about how women are earning more than men when my brain suddenly played an image of me welcoming home my high-powered executive girlfriend in her hot office outfit by kissing her and undressing her and...that was where I stopped with a 3/10 boner.

    Was feeling restless. Tried to get it out of my system by exercising and it was a relief that I was going to end my day going with my friends to watch Spiderman.

    Went to the shopping centre and had plenty of time to walk around/look around. Saw a girl who was wearing a pleated skirt, boots, and thigh high socks. Never realized how visually appealing a strip of skin looked, when it emerges out of thigh-high socks and disappear under a skirt. Something stirred downstairs though still not enough to even get a weak boner. Something stirred as well watching Emma Stone in Spiderman. Definitely bringing the hotness to the screen.

    There's something in my throat. I don't know how I sound to other people but it seems to be reverberating more in my throat. Not complaining about that.

    Tomorrow, I hit the 10% mark. Let's keep focused.
  18. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within (Into The Second Week)

    Thanks for the advice, Pilgrim.

    Day 9:
    I'm finding mornings to be hardest (pun intended). Even flatlining, I'm getting up with morning wood. When I took a piss after I woke up this morning, I had to press it down to avoid pissing all over the toilet seat. But it's hardest because my mind is definitely missing the morning PMO session that I've made routine.

    Came close to relapsing today. I've somehow not missed porn and even when I started cheating by looking at a bikini site in the last view days, I have cut them down. Today I managed to land myself in an erotica website. Before I knew it, was reading a story that I had not read before, had my dick out, and was giving it a few strokes before I convinced myself to stop. Had to tell myself that if I don't go through with what I'm about to do, I am getting closer to going down on a girl instead of reading about it. Managed to get out of the site but something in me felt angry, aggravated, and got a headache.

    If anyone's reading this (including my future self should he wants to look back), it's hard to not cheat. You tell your addicted mind you want to go off porn and it will try to enter into a bargain with you. In my case, my mind just gave me a good-looking offer. "It's porn, not erotica, you're giving up, right?" it asked. But the fact of the matter is, erotica is as dangerous, if not more so than porn. With porn, the image is chosen for you. With erotica, they provide the words but you choose the image. You decide how you're bending the girl over the desk or how much her back's arching when she's on top. And when it comes down to it, the image you choose will be more appealing than the one chosen for you and at that point, you will be closer to relapse than if you're watching porn.

    On that cautionary note, I'll end this entry. Midnight will see me complete 10% of this thing.
  19. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within (Into The Second Week)

    Day 10:
    Just about halfway through the day, but it's been a busy last 30-45 minutes for me.

    The first week has been relatively easy for me. Looking back, that's got to be my 14 day unintentional reboot giving me some buffer before things get difficult. Well, in the last 2 days, things have gotten difficult for me. I've found myself frequenting erotica websites to compensate for the fact that I'm not resorting to porn. This morning, I found that I was starting to stroke myself to erotica. Sensitivity is slowly coming back but at the same time, I know I shouldn't be doing this so I cut off my stroking. At that point, I knew I couldn't wait until I relapsed before I took some decisive steps.

    So in the last 30-45 minutes, I did the following:
    1. Downloaded and installed K9. Actually felt relieved that I could no longer visit sites that could stop my reboot. The password is not complicated. At the moment, I know I can still count on the extra step of entering the password to help myself convince my PMO mind that it's not worth it.

    2. Shut down and stored away the other laptop. I have two laptops at the moment. This laptop I'm writing on and my old laptop where I store my library of porn and add to it by downloading it. The old laptop is so old that the battery's dead and it can't stay on if not connected to a powerpoint. So I shut the laptop down, put it away on top of my cupboard. Took the power cord and stored it away from the laptop. If for some reason I feel the need to PMO on the old laptop, I have to scrounge around before I can find the powerpoint. Once again, giving my rational mind time to convince the PMO mind that it's not worth it.

    3. Delete porn on portable harddrive. This was where I slowed down and had a last look at my collection. In their defense, they were not just run of the mill porn with exaggerated moaning and bad acting. I thought they were high quality porn. I remember leaving my laptop on overnight whilst it's downloading from torrent and then waking up in the morning to see a recently downloaded movie waiting for me. Funnily, I didn't feel hatred towards these clips. The only feeling that I got deleting the files was that of "I have to do this for myself". 25 gb of porn disappeared just like that.

    There was a voice at the last minute trying to convince me not to do this. I ignored it and now have a headache as a result. But that's okay, I know I won the battle today.

    Was watching the news today and I was noticing the women appearing on it whether they were newsreader, reporters, people being interviewed. They didn't look like goddesses all of a sudden but there was something about them that made them subtly more attractive. Like if they were a 6, they became a 6.1.
  20. rhcp93

    rhcp93 New Member

    Re: The Greatest Battles Are Fought Within (Into The Second Week)

    G'day Pedigree,

    Good to see a fellow aussie on the forum. I can identify with pretty much everything you've been writing about. Even after just 3-4 days of no PMO I am beginning to find real girls more attractive. I can definitely relate to that strip of skin you saw, such a turn-on.

    Keep at it mate, it will all be worth it in the end.

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