The good fight of faith

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Deleted User, Aug 12, 2019.

  1. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest


    I've decided to start another journal, to put down some of my thoughts, experiences and beliefs concerning life, God and the struggle with pornography.

    A few words about myself. I'm 31 years old and i've been dealing with addiction for at least a decade now. I'm a believer in the redemptive work of Christ at the cross about 2000 years ago, which has opened the way for man to be in direct communication with God, our Father and creator. I also believe God is love and all suffering in this world is a result of man following the impulses of his fallen nature.

    It is my firm belief that the only way to truly experience the beauty and joy of sexual intimacy is within a marital bond with the woman you love. Usually this results in having a family and that's how God has intended it to be. Thinking we can find a way around this and find fulfillment is foolishness of a humanistic kind of mindset, that excludes God in it's vain pursuit of happiness.
    I also believe the best way for a man to come into the fullness of his manhood is in living his life in accordance to God's will in relationship with Jesus, who is God in revelation and the everlasting ruler of the Universe.

    So far as to my beliefs. Now to my current life situation.
    I'm single, without a job, depending on government money, spending most of my time boxed in in my apartment. Needless to say this is a depressing state of affairs that doesn't build my confidence and leaves me vulnerable to devilish temptation. The last time I watched pornography was yesterday.

    Right now I don't have much of a plan. Every relapse beats down my spirit and usually gets me trapped in a vicious cycle of self-pity where I isolate myself from everyone and God.

    This is all for now.

    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 4, 2019
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    When I was 8 years old my 19 year old sister died from a heart-attack as she was stepping out of the shower. I remember that dreadful summer day in 1996 as I walked towards the kitchen door opening it, to find my parents sitting in a darkened living room crying. As I heard the news I rolled on the floor in anger. It has been recently God showed me why I reacted that way. It hadn't been long before her death, one morning as my sister was showering I had positioned myself on the stairs towards the attic from where I could peek through the bathroom window and see her. I think a part of me has always blamed himself for her death, for though I was young I knew what I was doing was wrong. I cried as well, but refused to see her body when she had died. And even though my parents asked, I never wanted to talk about how her death affected me. I would simply shut down. It was as if I had erased her from my memory pretending she didn't exist.

    The whole experience influenced my life in many ways as a close encounter with death does to someone such an age. It turned me into a serious minded kid on the one hand, while on the other hand the unprocessed trauma had frozen parts of my soul, resulting in a stunted emotional growth and a general distrust towards happiness. She had meant a lot to me and the other memories I have about her are joyful ones. I liked her as my older sister and hope to see her again some day.

    You might wonder why am I writing this here.
    I'm fairly sure the unprocessed pain I locked away in a dark corner of my heart, at 8 years old, did create a fertile ground for the devil to saw his seeds of deception and from it grew this addiction to the illusory world of cybersex. That's all I like to write for now.
  3. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    When I met Faith in 2014 in an online video-chat, who was at the time 13, she immediately recognized the boy trapped in the man's body, as she worded it. Yup, she was accurate. My soul rejoiced, as she had been the first who had accurately recognized my pain and dealt with it in a sweet way. I liked her a lot and likewise did she like me, that is, as much as I revealed about myself. She prompted me to visit the grave of my sister and all other kinds of well-meant advice but I was already too damaged from porn-abuse at the time. Under all the numbness my little connection with her was the only joy I felt. I thought she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I lost her.

    Obviously the mature part of me questioned this online relationship with a teen. Was I becoming a pedophile? Now, I say it was a rare encounter between two fragmented souls. The life she had gone through made her function with the responsibility of an 21-year old. Thus, somehow we found ourselves drawn to each-other in a clutch of fantasy and the hope of romantic love. I cared for her damaged soul as she did for mine, but it all was fantasy-based. I couldn't come out of my emotional shell and be the man I liked to be for her in actuality. Protecting her from the trappings of this world, as I was in it's stranglehold myself, not knowing my identity in Christ. So when she was 16, she presumably drank too much and let her virginity be taken some random guy. I lost it. That is when I willfully gave my body over to the demonic forces of pride and bitterness.

    I liked you, I loved you, I lost you and went insane
    Pride brought me before the devil
    I tried to play his mental game
    But as it is, it's foolishness, to trick or treat that ancient snake
    He wrapped me in his hollow hurt, his weeping was a lie

    I danced in flames, refused to cry, my sorrow black as tar
    A hellish dance, I chose to lie and bottled up my heart

    I did some wicked things as I practiced ritual magick. Nothing to write about here. Thank God it made me realize how lust is a force from hell. The more I toyed around with it, the more God showed me the demonic in these pornographic movies. I tried to watch and arouse myself, but I would see the demons in the actors, making me feel disgusted by it. Now, I know by indulging in porn and lust I have opened my body to demonic spirits as well. I can sense them, they are tied to the negative emotions, the self-rejection and what not that makes me seek satisfaction in porn. What's to say... Anyone can ask Jesus to give him a new heart and cleanse him from sin. When you earnestly do, you will receive just that, and your desires will change. The Holy Spirit (which is the eternal spirit of Truth) will dwell in you and guide you into a new life. Just know that you can't go back into your old life. Unless you want to become as split in mind as I have become and be a demon-infested mess of a person, while at the same time knowing Christ is eternal Truth and freedom.

    I apologize for writing this post in low spirit. The love of God is real, I wish I could reflect it more, but i'm in serious need of deliverance.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 11, 2019
  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you are going through some challenging times. It's part of the journey.

    Now I am not one to debate spirituality and questions of faith, and I respect everyone's right to answer such questions for himself, but let me just suggest that maybe you need to ask yourself if your current interpretation of Christianity is not adding unneeded shame, guilt and self bashing on yourself ?

    We've all done many mistakes man. We've all erred. It's part of the human experience. Some err more then others it's true. Some have erred more then you, some have erred less then you, and so on. Part of it may be luck, I don't know... karma. Regardless, find a way to forgive yourself, and try again. Breathe, relax, try not to go on porn, do it gently. And try again.

    Give yourself a break !

    One interesting thing I read about "sin" is that in the language Jesus was supposedly speaking with his disciples, "sin" was more meant as "error". It has less of a negative connotation then the English word "sin". We err indeed. We make mistakes. But I don't see it as something strongly "evil" in you. The only problem is that it's not letting you enjoy brighter days. It's an error because you are not skillfully choosing for yourself. Such as in it's an error if right now I go eat 2 pizzas. I'll feel like crap after...

    Again I don't wanna debate or contradict your own beliefs but I would not feel as if I tried to help you if I didn't share with you my thoughts about it.

    Just my 2 cents ! Hope you're doing better !
  5. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Yes. I get what you're saying.
    I am in a struggle of faith at the moment. Hence the title of my journal.
    Through the years i've been listening more to the words of others, than to the Word of God. So, there has been a lot of confusion ever since I chose to turn to God again.

    In my understanding sin means to miss the mark your life. If God has created me, He has a purpose for me and if I chose to live life on my own terms i'm in rebellion against His purpose for my life, hence I suffer the results.
  6. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    The Horned Nature of Lust

    Lust is wanting it your way.
    This becomes more apparent if we look at the german word 'Lust' where the english word stems from. In german we say: "Hast du Lust...?" basically meaning "Would you derive pleasure from...?" In Lust your pleasure comes first.
    With the same meaning we ask in german: Hast du bock...? A Bock is a buck-goat. That horned creature. Yes, that's how we arrive at the word horny. When you are horny you become one-minded. It's as if you grow a pair of horns on your forehead that impels you in one direction, not minding the consequences. The beast then overrules the human. This isn't how God intended it to be. He created humans to rule over the beast.

    If we continiously push on to have it our way, our conscience becomes numb to what's good in the eyes of our creator. We are living in a sinful state, missing any clear direction or purpose to our life. This is a state most of humanity is in, not just the (sex)-addicts. Some follow the money, some blindly follow the latests trends wherever it leads them to and some idolize other humans and get their direction from them. In sex-addiction we have in a sense idolized our own lust. We have primed it to be the most important, but since it's NOT we have become enslaved to it. The most important is Gods will for your life!
  7. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest


    Pornography, the sin of the Watchers

    When humanity was still in it's early development, God had assigned Angels over the earth to watch and guide the process without violating the free will of humans. Those Angels are now known as the Watchers. Unfortunately they didn't keep the Watch, but started intermingling with unsuspecting humanity. Genesis 6 briefly describes what happened. The Watchers were attracted by the physical beauty of earthly women and decided to take wives for themselves. This was a tremendous and disastrous abuse of power, since they basically violated the (spiritual) innocence of these earth-women by seducing them with all kinds of angelic power. This is were the roots of witchcraft lay.
    The women did become pregnant and the children that grew from this unholy entanglement grew to be Giants with an insatiable hunger. This in turn caused all sorts of wickedness over the Earth which was later flooded out by God. The spiritual consequences have always been there however and since we're living close to the consumation of time, humanity is once again faced with the evil of those days.

    You might wonder, how does all this relate to pornography?

    Well. You are watching other people having sex, for your own pleasure.
    Imagine for a moment the Angels overseeing humanity. They watched humans interact with nature, taking care of the soil, exploring and discovering all the wonders of Gods creation. They must've also taken note of the interaction between male and female; the flirting, the blooming of love and the sacredness of sex. It's at this point they might have become jealous, wanting to experience something like this for themselves. Exactly, the Watchers were the original voyeurs. Until they decided to jump into action and take women for themselves. Which was rape of the highest degree.

    The same spiritual wickedness is distorting Gods purpose of sex through the porn-industry and the results... well, I don't have to explain that to you guys.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2019
  8. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Today was a tough day. I had to lay down and seek God in prayer. I know he loves me, but i've abused this love way too much. Deep down i'm a coward, who is afraid to step up to be who I am. All throughout my life i've taken on alter identities to hide behind. Fear of rejection is big on me. I'm not sure where it originated. I'm afraid to speak my mind and usually keep everything in, when i'm in a group. I don't want to upset people. God doesn't hate people, he hates the sin we do. As I was growing up I've had quite some contempt towards non-believers and was judgemental in a silent manner. Still I struggle with this. I asked God to show me people in the light of His love, so I can learn to be loving without violating the Truth.
  9. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest


    This morning reading The God Who Loves You from Peter Kreeft, i've come to the understanding that i'm a terrible lover. All my life i've deemed myself a romantic soul and thought high of myself in that regard. But as often is the case for someone romantically inclined, reality pops that bubble. Thank God, I might add.
    The one thing I have been taking away from the book is that God's love is mighty different than my private conception of what I thought love was. It's a sad realization and one that hurts a lot. Yes, it's painful, for it feels like my safe world is melting down, or rather that I have to come out from under the covers. As if i'm unwrapping from the blanket of romanticized love. Yes, i'm a guy, but somehow I have wrapped myself in that blanket's comfort of a false reality. Well, please let it come down Lord. Sustain me with your Love. Love divine, all excelling, as the full title of the book reads. I recommend it! To any of you.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    God loves you unconditionally. Now it is time that you drop the self-criticism and develop the same unconditional love for yourself. It is the only way.
  11. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Just checking in to share a little rhyme I wrote the other day.

    Tears of Joy

    What is it worth
    to hold on to your hurt?
    Diamonds & pearls,
    sex with the prettiest girls?
    We all pay a price
    for sweet deception and lies
    until the bubble pops
    and joyful you cry
    Thank the Lord
    For He'll make the sun rise.

    Gods love is conditional. For it depends on you! How much do you love Him? How well is your relationship with Jesus, The Lamb of God? Do you accept or reject Him?

    Have a good sunday, guys.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  12. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    It's been a while since I last relapsed, but the last few days I've been tempted by thoughts. I do notice my attraction towards real women has been going up and I also notice that my presence is being noticed by women. It's easy to take pride in this, but that would be the wrong conclusion. First of all, the fact i've been able to resist temptation hasn't come about on my own strength but by placing myself in a dependent position upon God, who provides what I need. Secondary; My and your manlyhood isn't depending on nor validated by a woman or another man for that matter. Humility is in order, though i'm not sure how it will come about.

    On a practical note, it's been 3 weeks I've been cut off from internet access in my home. This, i've mainly done to protect my nerves from unwanted stimulation and the whirlpool of temptation that comes with unlimited, everaccessible internet. It's supposed to help me in early recovery and also to develop a different way of dealing with the unnerving, dopamine-shocking rhythm of modern life. I simply long for a different slower-paced life.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  13. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Goodnight folks.

    Its past midnight here and i’m unable to sleep. There’s a lot going on. Exciting changes, amazing revelations, dawning hope. Currently im residing at my parents place. My apartment is a mess, but im working on it to change that. It never was a smart choice to fool around with chaos magick, nor to worship the Dragon. Why did I?

    666, the number of the beast. Who has the wisdom to uncover its meaning?
    It’s a terrible thing when you become one with IT. When you identify with the beast and believe you are a God.
    You weren’t made in the image of the beast. None of us are. We’re made in the image of God. Can you see the difference? I pray you do. Jesus suffered for you as well. The legion mocked him and beat him up all the way to the cross. The blood of the lamb of God spilled at the hands of filthy sinners. And yet he said: “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

    I mocked Jesus death on the cross, by hanging a morbid painting on the wall of my apartment. The spot where his heart was supposed to be was a gaping black hole, roman soldiers surrounding him holding their spears aimed upward. The roman rule was a terrible hedonistic rule. Pornography is hedonism as well. Celebrating ‘human freedom’, except it’s none of those.

    From Paul’s letter to the Church in Rome:

    21For although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but they became futile in their thinking and darkened in their foolish hearts. 22Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools, 23and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images of mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

    24Therefore God gave them over in the desires of their hearts to impurity for the dishonoring of their bodies with one another. 25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is forever worthy of praise! Amen.

    This is Gods word. Sharper then any double-edged sword. This is about me and about you. In another place sexual immorality is called the one sin that is against your own body. Ask Jesus to show you why.

    Love is so much different from lust. So much different...
  14. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey Michelle.

    Women are beautiful, women are nice
    But if you think you ‘get them’ you’re in for surprise
    Swifty the snake slidders and says it is fine
    To have another peek, she wiggles and wines
    How’d she end up in my place, I wonder and sigh
    She wants me to hold her, my shoulder to cry
    But its the devil in me, that brought her inside
    My wicked intentions, my ‘love’ is a lie.

    Losely based on something that occured to me several weeks ago. I stumbled upon this woman during an evening walk in the forest. She sat there by the wayside, holding two bags of stuff close to her. She seemed off, so I asked her what was wrong. She offered me a seat next to her, which I naively took. Thats where I got delivered over to physical temptation, one of the devils strategies. She was drunk, kicked out of her parents home and that of her ex-boyfriend. Somehow turned on by the situation I asked her to eat something and freshen up at my apartment. It was a mix of genuine care, longing for companionship and pure lust that motivated me. The latter won over the others and once she was in my apartment, a tideous battle begun. She tried to push herself onto me several times and I had to push her back equal times with my last powers of reason. The next morning I was thankful I hadn’t given in to temptation and slept around with this woman, but also broke down in tears, that I had been double-minded and weak. I knew it would’ve devastated me if I had done something with this dirty woman.

    From Proverbs 7

    Now then, my sons, listen
    pay attention to what I say.
    Do not let your heart turn to her ways
    or stray into her paths.
    Many are the victims she has brought down;
    her slain are a mighty throng.
    Her house is a highway to the grave,
    leading down to the chambers of death.

    Thank you Lord that I didn’t become one flesh with this mess of a woman. May she find peace in you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 27, 2019
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey Joost. You acted (at least in part) out of lust and temptation. But in the end you’ve made a choice that’s in accordance with you values. We would like to see ourselves as perfect, but we are not. So be proud of yourself that you’ve made the right choice and won the battle.
  16. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I've come to realize, i'm still hanging on to the pain of losing Faith and it's causing me to relapse at times. I always thought she was godsend into my life. Now she is gone. But i'm reminded of her a lot. In good ways and in bad ways. The relationship was an unhealthy codependent thing for the most part. We barely had any real conversations. I blamed it on the addiction, but honestly the age-gap played a big role as well, plus she was simply very much the opposite of my character. This did make for a very strong attraction. And the attraction is still there. I still believe she'd be a great woman for me. I regret all the ways I've drawn her into my toxic world of fantasy and lust. Yeah. I'm not sure what to do. I've asked God to break all unhealthy emotional ties I have to her.
  17. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Man, my relationship with God just isn't working out well, this way. I'm not sure what i'm thinking. When it comes to games, i'm all for fairness and playing according to rules, but when it comes to this precious life that is given to me, I have the habit of being a cheat. There's a general apathy towards social life. It's like I just don't care anymore. And when I'm with people i'm very careful to never show myself fully. To never let anyone get to know me. There's shame and a lack of identity.
    I dropped out of school at 19 and ever since I've cheated my way through life. Always living of off others. First my parents, then government handouts.
    Now i'm happy I've returned to Jesus and find help with Him, it's just, the old habits are still dominating my life and I can't seem to fully break free from them.

    Lord, you see through my treacherous ways
    You know I like to change, but i'm afraid for what it will take.

    Something else: I'm looking for an accountability partner on Skype. Someone to videotalk with. If anyone's interested, shoot me a message.
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think it's great that you have God's strength on your side. I think you need to take it slow, one day at a time. Accept the current situation. Wherever you are. Don't beat yourself up too much and see what part of the work you can do today. As in the serenity prayer, work on what you can control !

    Apathy towards social life is hard (I know it too) but slowly, very slowly we can set it going in a better direction. We just have to keep chipping at it.
  19. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest


    I'm just dropping by some last time to say goodbye. (putting my account up for deletion) The web is not a good place to hang-out to recover from an addiction that resolves mainly around cyberspace.
    Addicts don't recover among other addicts. That just doesn't make sense. Serious issues ask for serious choices.

    There's a reason Jesus said to pluck out the right eye, if that eye seduces you to sin. Better to go through life with one eye, than to be thrown in the lake of fire with your whole body.
    It may seem harsh, but it's warning out of love. Those who have ears to hear, will hear.
    I wish all of you the best. Each one of you knows what to do. May you find the strength to do it. If you don't know, Jesus has all the answers. He is the quintessence. The Logos. The Eternal Word of God. Call out to Him. He can become your best friend. As we all need one.

  20. axebattler

    axebattler New Member Staff Member

    It is a bit problematic, hanging out on the internet with fellow addicts. However, communicating with other addicts who really want to recover can be beneficial.

    But yeah, if you feel the need to delete an account or whatever, go for it! I've done the same and I don't regret it. There are other forums, or you could start another account here if you so wish. Whatever you do, stay off the P! Good luck.

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