The good fight of faith

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Joost, Aug 12, 2019.

  1. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Hello,

    I've decided to start another journal, to put down some of my thoughts, experiences and beliefs concerning life, God and the struggle with pornography.

    A few words about myself. I'm 31 years old and i've been dealing with addiction for at least a decade now. I'm a believer in the redemptive work of Christ at the cross about 2000 years ago, which has opened the way for man to be in direct communication with God, our Father and creator. I also believe God is love and all suffering in this world is a result of man following the impulses of his fallen nature.

    It is my firm belief that the only way to truly experience the beauty and joy of sexual intimacy is within a marital bond with the woman you love. Usually this results in having a family and that's how God has intented it to be. Thinking we can find a way around this and find fulfillment is foolishness of a humanistic kind of mindset, that excludes God in it's vain pursuit of happiness.
    I also believe the best way for a man to come into the fullness of his manhood is in living his life in accordance to God's will in relationship with Jesus, who is God in revelation and the everlasting ruler of the Universe.

    So far as to my beliefs. Now to my current life situation.
    I'm single, without a job, depending on government money, spending most of my time boxed in in my apartment. Needless to say this is a depressing state of affairs that doesn't build my confidence and leaves me vulnerable to devilish temptation. The last time I watched pornography was yesterday.

    Right now I don't have much of a plan. Every relapse beats down my spirit and usually gets me trapped in a vicious cycle of self-pity where I isolate myself from everyone and God.

    This is all for now.

    Joost
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2019
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. Joost

    Joost New Member

    When I was 8 years old my 19 year old sister died from a heart-attack as she was stepping out of the shower. I remember that dreadful summer day in 1996 as I walked towards the kitchen door opening it, to find my parents sitting in a darkened living room crying. As I heard the news I rolled on the floor in anger. It has been recently God showed me why I reacted that way. It hadn't been long before her death, one morning as my sister was showering I had positioned myself on the stairs towards the attic from where I could peek through the bathroom window and see her. I think a part of me has always blamed himself for her death, for though I was young I knew what I was doing was wrong. I cried as well, but refused to see her body when she had died. And even though my parents asked, I never wanted to talk about how her death affected me. I would simply shut down. It was as if I had erased her from my memory pretending she didn't exist.

    The whole experience influenced my life in many ways as a close encounter with death does to someone such an age. It turned me into a serious minded kid on the one hand, while on the other hand the unprocessed trauma had frozen parts of my soul, resulting in a stunted emotional growth and a general distrust towards happiness. She had meant a lot to me and the other memories I have about her are joyful ones. I liked her as my older sister and hope to see her again some day.

    You might wonder why am I writing this here.
    I'm fairly sure the unprocessed pain I locked away in a dark corner of my heart, at 8 years old, did create a fertile ground for the devil to saw his seeds of deception and from it grew this addiction to the illusory world of cybersex. That's all I like to write for now.
     
  3. Joost

    Joost New Member

    When I met Faith in 2014 in an online video-chat, who was at the time 13, she immediately recognized the boy trapped in the man's body, as she worded it. Yup, she was accurate. My soul rejoiced, as she had been the first who had accurately recognized my pain and dealt with it in a sweet way. I liked her a lot and likewise did she like me, that is, as much as I revealed about myself. She prompted me to visit the grave of my sister and all other kinds of well-meant advice but I was already too damaged from porn-abuse at the time. Under all the numbness my little connection with her was the only joy I felt. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I lost her.

    Obviously the mature part of me questioned this online relationship with a teen. Was I becoming a pedophile? Now, I say it was a rare encounter between two fragmented souls. The life she had gone through made her function with the responsibility of an 21-year old. Thus, somehow we found ourselves drawn to each-other in a clutch of fantasy and the hope of romantic love. I cared for her damaged soul as she did for mine, but it all was fantasy-based. I couldn't come out of my emotional shell and be the man I liked to be for her in actuality. Protecting her from the trappings of this world, as I was in it's stranglehold myself, not knowing my identity in Christ. So when she was 16, she presumably drank too much and let her virginity be taken some random guy. I lost it. That is when I gave my body over to the demonic forces.

    I liked you, I loved you, I lost you and went insane
    Pride brought me before the devil
    I tried to play his mental game
    But as it is, it's foolishness, to trick or treat that ancient snake
    He wrapped me in his hollow hurt, his weeping was a lie

    I danced in flames, refused to cry, my sorrow black as tar
    A hellish dance, I chose to lie and bottled up my heart


    I did some wicked things as I practiced ritual magick. Nothing to write about here. Thank God it made me realize how lust is a force from hell. The more I toyed around with it, the more God showed me the demonic in these pornographic movies. I tried to watch and arouse myself, but I would see the demons in the actors, making me feel disgusted by it. Now, I know by indulging in porn and lust I have opened my body to demonic spirits as well. I can sense them, they are tied to the negative emotions, the self-rejection and what not that makes me seek satisfaction in porn. What's to say... Anyone can ask Jesus to give him a new heart and cleanse him from sin. When you earnestly do, you will receive just that, and your desires will change. The Holy Spirit (which is the eternal spirit of Truth) will dwell in you and guide you into a new life. Just know that you can't go back into your old life. Unless you want to become as split in mind as I have become and be a demon-infested mess of a person, while at the same time knowing Christ is eternal Truth and freedom.

    I apologize for writing this post in low spirit. The love of God is real, I wish I could reflect it more, but i'm in serious need of deliverance.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019 at 5:07 AM
  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you are going through some challenging times. It's part of the journey.

    Now I am not one to debate spirituality and questions of faith, and I respect everyone's right to answer such questions for himself, but let me just suggest that maybe you need to ask yourself if your current interpretation of Christianity is not adding unneeded shame, guilt and self bashing on yourself ?

    We've all done many mistakes man. We've all erred. It's part of the human experience. Some err more then others it's true. Some have erred more then you, some have erred less then you, and so on. Part of it may be luck, I don't know... karma. Regardless, find a way to forgive yourself, and try again. Breathe, relax, try not to go on porn, do it gently. And try again.

    Give yourself a break !

    One interesting thing I read about "sin" is that in the language Jesus was supposedly speaking with his disciples, "sin" was more meant as "error". It has less of a negative connotation then the English word "sin". We err indeed. We make mistakes. But I don't see it as something strongly "evil" in you. The only problem is that it's not letting you enjoy brighter days. It's an error because you are not skillfully choosing for yourself. Such as in it's an error if right now I go eat 2 pizzas. I'll feel like crap after...

    Again I don't wanna debate or contradict your own beliefs but I would not feel as if I tried to help you if I didn't share with you my thoughts about it.

    Just my 2 cents ! Hope you're doing better !
     
  5. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Yes. I get what you're saying.
    I am in a struggle of faith at the moment. Hence the title of my journal.
    Through the years i've been listening more to the words of others, than to the Word of God. So, there has been a lot of confusion ever since I chose to turn to God again.

    In my understanding sin means to miss the mark your life. If God has created me, He has a purpose for me and if I chose to live life on my own terms i'm in rebellion against His purpose for my life, hence I suffer the results.
     
  6. Joost

    Joost New Member

    The Horned Nature of Lust

    Lust is wanting it your way.
    This becomes more apparent if we look at the german word 'Lust' where the english word stems from. In german we say: "Hast du Lust...?" basically meaning "Would you derive pleasure from...?" In Lust your pleasure comes first.
    With the same meaning we ask in german: Hast du bock...? A Bock is a buck-goat. That horned creature. Yes, that's how we arrive at the word horny. When you are horny you become one-minded. It's as if you grow a pair of horns on your forehead that impels you in one direction, not minding the consequences. The beast then overrules the human. This isn't how God intended it to be. He created humans to rule over the beast.

    If we continiously push on to have it our way, our conscience becomes numb to what's good in the eyes of our creator. We are living in a sinful state, missing any clear direction or purpose to our life. This is a state most of humanity is in, not just the (sex)-addicts. Some follow the money, some blindly follow the latests trends wherever it leads them to and some idolize other humans and get their direction from them. In sex-addiction we have in a sense idolized our own lust. We have primed it to be the most important, but since it's NOT we have become enslaved to it. The most important is Gods will for your life!
     
  7. Joost

    Joost New Member

    [​IMG]

    Pornography, the sin of the Watchers


    When humanity was still in it's early development, God had assigned Angels over the earth to watch and guide the process without violating the free will of humans. Those Angels are now known as the Watchers. Unfortunately they didn't keep the Watch, but started intermingling with unsuspecting humanity. Genesis 6 briefly describes what happened. The Watchers were attracted by the physical beauty of earthly women and decided to take wives for themselves. This was a tremendous and disastrous abuse of power, since they basically violated the (spiritual) innocence of these earth-women by seducing them with all kinds of angelic power. This is were the roots of witchcraft lay.
    The women did become pregnant and the children that grew from this unholy entanglement grew to be Giants with an insatiable hunger. This in turn caused all sorts of wickedness over the Earth which was later flooded out by God. The spiritual consequences have always been there however and since we're living close to the consumation of time, humanity is once again faced with the evil of those days.

    You might wonder, how does all this relate to pornography?

    Well. You are watching other people having sex, for your own pleasure.
    Imagine for a moment the Angels overseeing humanity. They watched humans interact with nature, taking care of the soil, exploring and discovering all the wonders of Gods creation. They must've also taken note of the interaction between male and female; the flirting, the blooming of love and the sacredness of sex. It's at this point they might have become jealous, wanting to experience something like this for themselves. Exactly, the Watchers were the original voyeurs. Until they decided to jump into action and take women for themselves. Which was rape of the highest degree.

    The same spiritual wickedness is distorting Gods purpose of sex through the porn-industry and the results... well, I don't have to explain that to you guys.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019 at 5:03 AM
  8. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Today was a tough day. I had to lay down and seek God in prayer. I know he loves me, but i've abused this love way too much. Deep down i'm a coward, who is afraid to step up to be who I am. All throughout my life i've taken on alter identities to hide behind. Fear of rejection is big on me. I'm not sure where it originated. I'm afraid to speak my mind and usually keep everything in, when i'm in a group. I don't want to upset people. God doesn't hate people, he hates the sin we do. As I was growing up I've had quite some contempt towards non-believers and was judgemental in a silent manner. Still I struggle with this. I asked God to show me people in the light of His love, so I can learn to be loving without violating the Truth.
     

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